There is not a single snow flake up here in Y-Town. It is wildly windy out; I hear my garage door rattling along with other things banging outside. I think my basketball net fell down again. oh look, there goes Toto. And Mr. Matthews. I wanted to play a little before hauling it in for the winter; basketball that is. Not small dogs or math teachers.

I am in an amazing mood this evening. I feel much more like myself.. happy, flirty, lovable. This hedonist has no pain. The last few days were just miserable in the pain department (as per prior posts). The mouth pain has subsided since about 4pm today. I am feeling optimistic. I really look forward to sleeping in a comfy position, as opposed to sitting up as I have been forced to do these past few nights. I love my sleep.

So, I hear it is snowing. Youngstown probably wont get a single flake. In the middle of winter Buffalo can be under 6 feet of snow, and just a few miles north, my yard will be green. I still take full advantage of the cold nights.. under blankets, in front of fire place, bottles of wine, cigars and preferably good conversation and at some point, no conversation ;)

If I didn't have an assload of school work due in the afternoon, I would love to kick back with a bottle of wine. Or a scotch. yeh, that sounds just right.

ooh, i work in a school. Snow day! Snow day! Its only wednesday. It feels closer to the weekend. My brain is a week ahead. I have next Thurs and Fri off for the Holiday. Yipee!! I also do not have class next week. Bonus. Whatever will I do with myself?

Time for dream land.
Take care and good night.
carey

Ever get that horrible dry tired feeling in your eyes, as though you have been crying all day? I have that, and the tears were almost real. The multiple flare ups of mouth pain had my eyes tearing,reddish and half closed all day. I have been popping ibuprofen almost every hour, but it isn't doing much.. yet it is doing more than the tylenol with codeine does. I will work my way through this; I would think that my pain receptors will begin to compensate and that the pain will feel less intense as time goes on. If not, then I will weigh my options once more. I am atleast glad that there is no pain associated with brushing, flossing, eating, drinking, etc..

However last night kicked my ass. The flare up were so intense, that it left me unconscious or something, I vaguely recall closing my eyes during an episode, trying to mentally will it away, when I woke a couple of hours later, completely out of it. Then it hit again full force. And again. And again. I wanted to pass out but couldn't.
Then I did cry.
And that sucked.
It had been too long to remember and all I can say is that crying sucks. It takes over you like some alien being. ahh.
So I hopped my teary ass in the shower and bawled some more. Intensely for a few minutes. The pain was pissing me off, becuase I felt like I was getting in the way of myself (does that make sense?), which made me frustrated which in turn set me up for real tears. Ahhhhhh.
Then I jumped back into bed, slightly shivering from my outburst.
I sat in the dark," indian" style. I eventually fell asleep like that. yup, sitting up.

It was a rough night.
Nerve pain is just sooo weird. But it will get better....

My sleepy eyes..

Hygeine.

haha-- nothing *that* exciting.

I am not fond of dentists. I grew up terrified of them, actually. However, I love my teeth and have a slight OCD regarding them. I have them cleaned 3-4 times a year and my daily oral habits are inspiring (or ridiculous)..

Anyhow, late Saturday night I experienced insane pain. Made me cry or something close to it. Back in January I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth yanked out at once. Two shots of numbing agent and I was good to go. I found my "happy place" during the procedure, and managed pretty well when one of the teeth did not want to come out. Long story short, I could have fallen in love with my oral surgen at that point. It was really scary and he talked me through it all. It really was an ordeal. AFter that I had been sent home with a script for hydrocodone.

OK, skip to today. I scrounged around for a couple tabs of left over hydrocodone to get me through the day. I was feeling all fuzzy at work, even though it was just a half a tab I took every few hours. I had made a call to my dentist and he got me in immediately.

My mouth doesn't hurt all the time, but when it does, I am paralyzed from the sensation. It comes and goes.. There is nothing visible going on (yes, i have my own little hygeine set which includes a mirror and pick) and nothing is felt when I knock on the teeth. Info I found online was vague, so I was happy (and scared) to get into the dentist this afternoon.

prognosis? My little nerve is dying where my difficult wisdom tooth was extracted. I am not in bad condition at all.. it just needs some work. No infection, nothing major.. I was given a script for painkillers and was given the choice to do the work right away or in january when my dental insurance is back to the maximum amount. I was fine with the latter choice, I have dealt with pain before, I think I can manage it. We will see.. My only concern was that it was a serious matter that needed immediate attention, so I guess its good news..

A day off from work to do whatever my little heart desired. I am spoiled like that. Atleast for now..

After some routine house maintenance and school work, I headed out in search of adventure. What I found was groceries, cell phone shopping and a visit to a friend in nearby Wilson. I am always amazed and slightly terrified that her rottweiler insists on being a lap dog. My drool dodging skills improve each time.

The hedonist in me guided me into spending the remainder of the evening at home. After grabbing some chinese takeout, beer and loaded the dvd player with American Pie 1,2, & American Wedding , I settled my ass on the couch and laughed myself to tears.

I also played with the web cam.. I like the grainy look of the pictures. I have to resize to make any of them a user pic.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME
(first pet and color of your walls)
Snowball Deep Pleasure

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandfather/grandmother on father's side first name, favorite snack)
Mary Gummi Bears

4. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME
(first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
C. Mar

5. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME
(favorite animal, name of high school)
Cat Lewport

6. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name, street you live on(if its a number, do closest name street)
Marie Church

7. YOUR STAR WARS NAME
(first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Mar Ula Kay

8. YOUR HOOKER NAME
(first pets name and the first street that you live on)
Taffy Main

After a long week, Friday night presented an opportunity to unwind.

(e:pyrcedgrrl) and I ventured out to city Spot coffee. Our attempts to alter our state of mind with large quantities of caffeinated beverages proved to be a fruitless effort. We assessed our options and chose to up the ante and proceed straight on to full scale debauchery of the alcoholic variety...

The kind you find at Cathode Ray when Jim is bartending. Best $6.25 return on investment ever.

(moi) "I am a chreap dunk" --- two drinks substantiated this eloquant expression.

Later.. taking a walk..The line from point A to point B is not necessarily a straight one. I vaguely recall going to the car to grab my cloves, but they remain unopened. We found the camera and made multiple attempts to take pictures of ourselves. Plenty of partial head shots, pictures of the sky and pavement. However a few interesting shots made it. See, at this point I had easily succumbed to the power of suggestion.

Rummaging through the trunk (why was this, again?) --
epyrcedgrrl: "Look,a tarp. Lets bring it with us"
(e:theecarey): "ok" (pulls it from trunk..)



I am not sure how far I got with the tarp, but it made perfect sense at the time.

same with the ass shot "take a picture of my butt!":


Eventually we wandered down Allen with no forseen destination. Walking, talking, laughing, looking into the shops..


(e:theecarey): "Look at that picture! I had one growing up.."

(e:pyrcedgrrl): "which one?"

(e:theecarey) (pointing to a picture inside an antique shop on Allen) "The octangular one" (it was oval)

A very short visit to Mulligans:







I suddenly needed Ketchup. Dana knew just where to find "Vehicles for Ketchup"..

Off to Jims SteakOut..

(I normally don't like to work this hard for my food)








(Lovin' the Ketchup tonight)




Dana loves her, um.. what is that? What is that white stuff exploded all over the front of your shirt?? Let me taste.. yup, its The Money Shot
(blue cheese).




And so we filled our bellies and made our way back down to the car. Before heading home we made a stop at Diablo. I refused to get out of the car, having no desire to consort with the Angsty Crew (I love them, but I must be full on drunk). So we sat in the car while multiple Goths begged and slit wrists for our company. Eventually the call of the darkness called them back into the morbid abyss, and we were able to "escape". hahahah Maybe next time, my morose minions :)

11 pm.
Restlessness persists,
I accept the silence.
Do I dream tonight?


I ventured outside for a breath of cool fresh air; suprised by the clear sky replete with stars.
How I wanted to take a walk, yet the darkness and the unknown held me back. In t-shirt, sleep pants and slippers, I stepped out onto the driveway and made my way down to the mailbox, all the while gazing up into the starry night. An empty mailbox reminds me that all my bills are paid. A perusal of the neighborhood announces that the time for slumber has arrived. Everywhere it is quiet and the lights are dim; is noone awake but I? I inhale deeply as I return wistfully to the empty warmth of my apartment.


As crazy as my Thursday schedule is, I look forward to it. I manage to juggle full time work, full time school and a personal life with aplomb. I don't hold myself so rigidly to a schedule or expectations of anyone or myself that everything must go smoothly or it all falls apart. Actually I work well with the nuances of life. I am never sure what to expect and have incorporated latitude for such occurances; and when some things aren't so fabulous, I remind myself what and who in my life is pretty fabulous.

Earlier in the week I had the unexpected opportunity to bring my car to the shop. I had to quickly arrange a means for alternate transportation, which worked out fine, other than having to miss a few hours of work. Today I receive a call that my car "should be completed by closing", and once again, must arrange for transportation involving picking up the car and returning borrowed car to owner. In this case, I missed some class time, which bothered me but I managed alright. It meant that I was home earlier than normal and allowed me to slow down a little.

I had walked in the door, wrapped myself in a blanket and fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours. I awoke around 10 pm. I didn't mean to do that! So, now, approaching midnight, I am wide awake. I have a small book collection that I haven't really taken a look at in awhile. I rarey read poetry and there are collections of stories that I would llike to reread. A very recent conversation on various writers has sparked my desire to revisit works I have read in the past, including poetry. I have a few anthologies that I must dust off. I feel like I am getting ready to go on an archeaological dig. The more I think, the more I remember. And the more I want to know... Thank you.
One of my favorite poems, by Chidiock Tichborne


On the eve of execution


1My prime of youth is but a frost of cares,
2My feast of joy is but a dish of pain,
3My crop of corn is but a field of tares,
4And all my good is but vain hope of gain.
5The day is gone and I yet I saw no sun,
6And now I live, and now my life is done.


7The spring is past, and yet it hath not sprung,
8The fruit is dead, and yet the leaves are green,
9My youth is gone, and yet I am but young,
10I saw the world, and yet I was not seen,
11My thread is cut, and yet it was not spun,
12And now I live, and now my life is done.


13I sought my death and found it in my womb,
14I lookt for life and saw it was a shade,
15I trode the earth and knew it was my tomb,
16And now I die, and now I am but made.
17The glass is full, and now the glass is run,
18And now I live, and now my life is done.

As a conspirator in the plot to murder Queen Elizabeth, this young man was executed by hanging (but not before being publicly disemboweled alive!!) Chidiock wrote this three stanza poem to his wife, the night before his execution.


I think that I will also dig into the archives of my writing. I should have a plethora of essays, critiques, reflections, poetry, somewhere around here..

I think it is finally time to fall back asleep. And the weekend is almost officially here. Yay!

Take care and be safe,
Carey

The results of Thee Exam that tortured more than a few brain cells....

"Very engaging and creative format-- great understanding of the subject matter. You are a great communicator. Very impressive work" 98% (& overall grade:A)

The things I did for that grade.




(ya know, hard work, drive, tenacity, commitment, blow jobs, pursuit of excellence)

___________________

I think my current teacher is under the impression that I am limited in my cognitive ability. The format of this class includes multiple papers that while submitted regularly, we can choose a select few for evaluation later on. With this bit of understanding, I am playing the procrastinate now, kick ass later schema. With return of my papers, I receive feedback. I am usuing this as a gauge for formulating future ability specific papers.

So I get to school two hours early. Within a half an hour, he too has arrived. I am alone. He goes right into the topics, my papers and doing what he can to engage me in conversation. I was not feeling sociable nor contemplative. I came in with the desire to relax and veg out..either online or read the Wall Street Journal I picked up earlier.

I attempt to posture myself to deflect interaction. I reach for my iPod, I pull out my school books, I turn slightly away, mutter close ended comments and try despretely to will him to go away. If I had my trusty little gray hoody on, i would have pulled that over my head and pulled myself into a fetal position. Not that even that would have worked, as the iPod headset didn't do anything for my situation..

Hmm.. hoody over the head, turned away, book in face.. posturing for non interaction.. this sure feels familiar.

Damn teachers.
___________________________

Oooh, I think we are getting out early. Sweeet. I could get used to this. I have been going non stop since 6:45 am.
And I didn't get the best sleep..
but not complaining. My very personal thoughts sustanined me all day long...

I await the return of my final exam and final grade. The grade expected and the grade received should reflect continuity, as my efforts usually yield good results. When I do the work for the grade, I put in 100%. When I do the work for myself, to learn as much as I possibly can, and pull together information for my best interests, then the effort is unquantifiable.

I know I earn graduate level “A” grades, but there is something more that I am looking for. I seek to understand. I strive to uncover information, manipulate the process, analyze the variables, assimilate the new, accommodate the familiar and unlearn it all, and start the process over from another angle. This doesn’t clarify an issue, but it certainly keeps things interesting. Maybe there is a reason for my thinking, maybe it is nothing more than the nerd-like tendencies that I have always have had. Maybe it is my discerning tastes and attitude toward quality of life and all that which it entails. In regards to my recently completed class, I am primarily looking for feedback and the instructor’s perception of my learning. This individual is impressive in his experience and intellect. Although not fond of his teaching style, I can recognize the great wealth of information that he can provide both in and out of the classroom.

(-not like “that”--I can hear the *snickers* now, and you know who you are!!!)

Once upon a time, before knowing myself yet after many years of screwing up in the puritanical land of academia, I made the resolution to learn for myself. I have applied this attitude toward many facets of my life. While some people question it, feel uncomfortable with it or have not been able to place me in their familiar schema of how things work, I adamantly persist in this course of decision.

Don’t try to fit square peg into a round hole; and then, is it really square? A closer look may reveal intricate details that change the shape, again making it into something that you can’t quite find a place for. Where does it fit? Well, does it really need to fit in any one place? It exists on its own and perhaps there are others that are similar or maybe not. It is more about being comfortable with who you are and accepting others as individuals as opposed to trying to categorize. This is difficult as it requires challenging the way you think and approach life. All that you know provides direction, but it is the process of learning and unlearning that generates true forward movement. Going nowhere fast? Slow down and think a little, I bet you will end up just where you need to be.

And so, to learn for myself is to be selfish. Before I could do anything for anyone else, I needed to be able to take care of myself. I needed to make decisions based on how it would effect me in the immediate and in the long term. That meant compromising, forgoing certain human tendencies (ie, “in the meantime relationships”, following societal expectations) and holding fast to my values while also maintaining an open mind.

In getting to know me, those that are comfortable with me are those that are comfortable with themselves. They too know who they are, are willing to think and be challenged. They know it isn’t easy yet they know it is worth it. I seek quality, intensity, respect, security, and the ability to share all of me with all that they are. As I always say, I gravitate towards those that make me think, make me laugh and make me want to know more.

Not often am I at a loss for words. If not immediately, I am usually at least able to formulate a response shortly thereafter. However, as of late, I find my thoughts rolling around in my head, trying to make connections, trying to fit the forming (peg) shapes into familiar (round) holes with the result of speechlessness, or just poor articulation. I find my thinking challenged. I find my self in awe and true fascination of this sense of equality. In other times, I would experience a reasonably equal perception on some level. Perhaps it would be on a certain subject matter, a mutual interest, a physiological effect (hey, we all need some) or a random sense of kindred, yet nothing more than that. A passing moment that while enjoyable and appreciated, did not constitute sustained quality and aforementioned needs. And so I would move on.. not looking, yet not denying..

So this loss of verbage is what happens when you encounter an individual that possesses the amazing multi dimensional qualities that resonate within your own being. There are fluctuations in strength and ability, but they are there. You desire to learn, understand and know them. I find myself excited and nervous and wholly vulnerable; yet I am not running. I don't want to run way. Parallels run deep, the differences add quality and dimension, the building of knowledge (in all forms; mental, physical, emotional) is strong and wonderful; it shakes me up inside. The patience to await my words, mutual mental sparring, intelligent and incredible “listening skills”, ability to disengage the guards, confidence, warmth, openness……………………..

Falling? Only if you are there to catch me.


Well, in getting back to the original opening topic, my classwork awaits and I have just realized that I am at the halfway point in my studies. I will be done in August; while it seems far off, it is really just a blink away.

Good night and take care
Carey

Today was a challenge to stay awake. I was soooo tired.

Yesterday, I woke up tired after having some seriously restless sleep the night before. After work I headed out to West Seneca to have my hair colors touched up, so I was quiet and chilled while (e:lilho) did her thing. As always, thanks you :)

And soo, I got in a but late.. couldn't fall asleep.. when I did sleep, it was sweet dreams and the few hours I did have, flew by. The alarm clock rang too soon.

Super duper tired yet in a silly goofy mood, I managed to get through the work day. What a joy to have to go in extra early for team meetings and stay late for yet another meeting. Shortly therafter I headed to school. We had a sub teacher and I seriously thought about leaving early. And... so did a bunch of other people. Funny thing is, there are only 15 of us, so when break came along, about seven of us left.

It was good to leave. I have never left early or missed a class. But, I was sooooooo tired and cold and I did not want to fall asleep on the way home.

And..ya know that feeling when you are all curled up in bed on a cold morning, snuggled deep under the comfy blankets.. its so cold outside, yet you are perfectly warm and fuzzy under neath it all.. and you just don't want that feeling to ever ever end. Perfection, sweetness..
yeh, it was just like that.