11 pm.
Restlessness persists,
I accept the silence.
Do I dream tonight?


I ventured outside for a breath of cool fresh air; suprised by the clear sky replete with stars.
How I wanted to take a walk, yet the darkness and the unknown held me back. In t-shirt, sleep pants and slippers, I stepped out onto the driveway and made my way down to the mailbox, all the while gazing up into the starry night. An empty mailbox reminds me that all my bills are paid. A perusal of the neighborhood announces that the time for slumber has arrived. Everywhere it is quiet and the lights are dim; is noone awake but I? I inhale deeply as I return wistfully to the empty warmth of my apartment.


As crazy as my Thursday schedule is, I look forward to it. I manage to juggle full time work, full time school and a personal life with aplomb. I don't hold myself so rigidly to a schedule or expectations of anyone or myself that everything must go smoothly or it all falls apart. Actually I work well with the nuances of life. I am never sure what to expect and have incorporated latitude for such occurances; and when some things aren't so fabulous, I remind myself what and who in my life is pretty fabulous.

Earlier in the week I had the unexpected opportunity to bring my car to the shop. I had to quickly arrange a means for alternate transportation, which worked out fine, other than having to miss a few hours of work. Today I receive a call that my car "should be completed by closing", and once again, must arrange for transportation involving picking up the car and returning borrowed car to owner. In this case, I missed some class time, which bothered me but I managed alright. It meant that I was home earlier than normal and allowed me to slow down a little.

I had walked in the door, wrapped myself in a blanket and fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours. I awoke around 10 pm. I didn't mean to do that! So, now, approaching midnight, I am wide awake. I have a small book collection that I haven't really taken a look at in awhile. I rarey read poetry and there are collections of stories that I would llike to reread. A very recent conversation on various writers has sparked my desire to revisit works I have read in the past, including poetry. I have a few anthologies that I must dust off. I feel like I am getting ready to go on an archeaological dig. The more I think, the more I remember. And the more I want to know... Thank you.
One of my favorite poems, by Chidiock Tichborne


On the eve of execution


1My prime of youth is but a frost of cares,
2My feast of joy is but a dish of pain,
3My crop of corn is but a field of tares,
4And all my good is but vain hope of gain.
5The day is gone and I yet I saw no sun,
6And now I live, and now my life is done.


7The spring is past, and yet it hath not sprung,
8The fruit is dead, and yet the leaves are green,
9My youth is gone, and yet I am but young,
10I saw the world, and yet I was not seen,
11My thread is cut, and yet it was not spun,
12And now I live, and now my life is done.


13I sought my death and found it in my womb,
14I lookt for life and saw it was a shade,
15I trode the earth and knew it was my tomb,
16And now I die, and now I am but made.
17The glass is full, and now the glass is run,
18And now I live, and now my life is done.

As a conspirator in the plot to murder Queen Elizabeth, this young man was executed by hanging (but not before being publicly disemboweled alive!!) Chidiock wrote this three stanza poem to his wife, the night before his execution.


I think that I will also dig into the archives of my writing. I should have a plethora of essays, critiques, reflections, poetry, somewhere around here..

I think it is finally time to fall back asleep. And the weekend is almost officially here. Yay!

Take care and be safe,
Carey

The results of Thee Exam that tortured more than a few brain cells....

"Very engaging and creative format-- great understanding of the subject matter. You are a great communicator. Very impressive work" 98% (& overall grade:A)

The things I did for that grade.




(ya know, hard work, drive, tenacity, commitment, blow jobs, pursuit of excellence)

___________________

I think my current teacher is under the impression that I am limited in my cognitive ability. The format of this class includes multiple papers that while submitted regularly, we can choose a select few for evaluation later on. With this bit of understanding, I am playing the procrastinate now, kick ass later schema. With return of my papers, I receive feedback. I am usuing this as a gauge for formulating future ability specific papers.

So I get to school two hours early. Within a half an hour, he too has arrived. I am alone. He goes right into the topics, my papers and doing what he can to engage me in conversation. I was not feeling sociable nor contemplative. I came in with the desire to relax and veg out..either online or read the Wall Street Journal I picked up earlier.

I attempt to posture myself to deflect interaction. I reach for my iPod, I pull out my school books, I turn slightly away, mutter close ended comments and try despretely to will him to go away. If I had my trusty little gray hoody on, i would have pulled that over my head and pulled myself into a fetal position. Not that even that would have worked, as the iPod headset didn't do anything for my situation..

Hmm.. hoody over the head, turned away, book in face.. posturing for non interaction.. this sure feels familiar.

Damn teachers.
___________________________

Oooh, I think we are getting out early. Sweeet. I could get used to this. I have been going non stop since 6:45 am.
And I didn't get the best sleep..
but not complaining. My very personal thoughts sustanined me all day long...

I await the return of my final exam and final grade. The grade expected and the grade received should reflect continuity, as my efforts usually yield good results. When I do the work for the grade, I put in 100%. When I do the work for myself, to learn as much as I possibly can, and pull together information for my best interests, then the effort is unquantifiable.

I know I earn graduate level “A” grades, but there is something more that I am looking for. I seek to understand. I strive to uncover information, manipulate the process, analyze the variables, assimilate the new, accommodate the familiar and unlearn it all, and start the process over from another angle. This doesn’t clarify an issue, but it certainly keeps things interesting. Maybe there is a reason for my thinking, maybe it is nothing more than the nerd-like tendencies that I have always have had. Maybe it is my discerning tastes and attitude toward quality of life and all that which it entails. In regards to my recently completed class, I am primarily looking for feedback and the instructor’s perception of my learning. This individual is impressive in his experience and intellect. Although not fond of his teaching style, I can recognize the great wealth of information that he can provide both in and out of the classroom.

(-not like “that”--I can hear the *snickers* now, and you know who you are!!!)

Once upon a time, before knowing myself yet after many years of screwing up in the puritanical land of academia, I made the resolution to learn for myself. I have applied this attitude toward many facets of my life. While some people question it, feel uncomfortable with it or have not been able to place me in their familiar schema of how things work, I adamantly persist in this course of decision.

Don’t try to fit square peg into a round hole; and then, is it really square? A closer look may reveal intricate details that change the shape, again making it into something that you can’t quite find a place for. Where does it fit? Well, does it really need to fit in any one place? It exists on its own and perhaps there are others that are similar or maybe not. It is more about being comfortable with who you are and accepting others as individuals as opposed to trying to categorize. This is difficult as it requires challenging the way you think and approach life. All that you know provides direction, but it is the process of learning and unlearning that generates true forward movement. Going nowhere fast? Slow down and think a little, I bet you will end up just where you need to be.

And so, to learn for myself is to be selfish. Before I could do anything for anyone else, I needed to be able to take care of myself. I needed to make decisions based on how it would effect me in the immediate and in the long term. That meant compromising, forgoing certain human tendencies (ie, “in the meantime relationships”, following societal expectations) and holding fast to my values while also maintaining an open mind.

In getting to know me, those that are comfortable with me are those that are comfortable with themselves. They too know who they are, are willing to think and be challenged. They know it isn’t easy yet they know it is worth it. I seek quality, intensity, respect, security, and the ability to share all of me with all that they are. As I always say, I gravitate towards those that make me think, make me laugh and make me want to know more.

Not often am I at a loss for words. If not immediately, I am usually at least able to formulate a response shortly thereafter. However, as of late, I find my thoughts rolling around in my head, trying to make connections, trying to fit the forming (peg) shapes into familiar (round) holes with the result of speechlessness, or just poor articulation. I find my thinking challenged. I find my self in awe and true fascination of this sense of equality. In other times, I would experience a reasonably equal perception on some level. Perhaps it would be on a certain subject matter, a mutual interest, a physiological effect (hey, we all need some) or a random sense of kindred, yet nothing more than that. A passing moment that while enjoyable and appreciated, did not constitute sustained quality and aforementioned needs. And so I would move on.. not looking, yet not denying..

So this loss of verbage is what happens when you encounter an individual that possesses the amazing multi dimensional qualities that resonate within your own being. There are fluctuations in strength and ability, but they are there. You desire to learn, understand and know them. I find myself excited and nervous and wholly vulnerable; yet I am not running. I don't want to run way. Parallels run deep, the differences add quality and dimension, the building of knowledge (in all forms; mental, physical, emotional) is strong and wonderful; it shakes me up inside. The patience to await my words, mutual mental sparring, intelligent and incredible “listening skills”, ability to disengage the guards, confidence, warmth, openness……………………..

Falling? Only if you are there to catch me.


Well, in getting back to the original opening topic, my classwork awaits and I have just realized that I am at the halfway point in my studies. I will be done in August; while it seems far off, it is really just a blink away.

Good night and take care
Carey

Today was a challenge to stay awake. I was soooo tired.

Yesterday, I woke up tired after having some seriously restless sleep the night before. After work I headed out to West Seneca to have my hair colors touched up, so I was quiet and chilled while (e:lilho) did her thing. As always, thanks you :)

And soo, I got in a but late.. couldn't fall asleep.. when I did sleep, it was sweet dreams and the few hours I did have, flew by. The alarm clock rang too soon.

Super duper tired yet in a silly goofy mood, I managed to get through the work day. What a joy to have to go in extra early for team meetings and stay late for yet another meeting. Shortly therafter I headed to school. We had a sub teacher and I seriously thought about leaving early. And... so did a bunch of other people. Funny thing is, there are only 15 of us, so when break came along, about seven of us left.

It was good to leave. I have never left early or missed a class. But, I was sooooooo tired and cold and I did not want to fall asleep on the way home.

And..ya know that feeling when you are all curled up in bed on a cold morning, snuggled deep under the comfy blankets.. its so cold outside, yet you are perfectly warm and fuzzy under neath it all.. and you just don't want that feeling to ever ever end. Perfection, sweetness..
yeh, it was just like that.

From start to finish,a most wonderful day.

Met two fabulous, intelleigent, energetic ladies at (e:paul)'s brainstorming session, Katie and Janelle. I look forward to meeting up again soon! We barely got "officially" started when I had to leave (a half hour early). For next time, I will set aside as many hours as needed. I am thoroughly impressed with the organized and thorough nature of the creative problem solving session. Kudos!


It was hot, it was cold, the rain held out..

with coffee, pop, twizzlers and chex mix, (e:ladycroft) and (e:theecarey) got comfy on a sleepingbag and cheered on the fierce South Buffalo Rugby boys... woo!

a few pics from Saturday's Rugby game with South Buffalo RFC Thugs vs Cortland Homer RFC Thundering Herd [inlink]sbrugger,13[/inlink].


So much action!! For sports photography, this camera doesn't cut it.


the dynamic duo: Carey and Timika


yep, those would be pink pom poms with tinfoil, made a la McGuiver style, produced en route to game. Passerby-ers were loving it. Cheers!


I smiled and laughed so hard that I think I formed my first laugh line!

so many birthdays this month..

Allow me a Birthday shout out to

(e:lilho), (e:southernyankee), (e:tina), (e:terry)'s dad and....

(e:pyrcedgrrl) wo000000000000000!


[size=xl]Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/size]


hope I didn't miss anyone :)

So I have a few minutes before I must tackle some school readings and a paper. I came staight home from work instead of heading out to the park to run around as I normally would. Maybe later I will go for a brisk walk around town. I like the night..

Yesterday I took a bunch of pics. I am a big fan of wood. I am not sure what the fascination is, but I am drawn to it. I love my green space, water and woods. I do what I can with my digital camera and have thousands of pictures to sort through and print someday; and this number will continue to grow as my favorite time to photograph is in the fall. I will post some wood pics in a few days. I would love to get out to Letchworth.

Any advice on whether I should print them myself or take them somewhere? I have many of people, animals and nature, on disk and on the hard drive.

yesterdays fresh air... It is the most amazing smell.. fresh earth.. the scent of fall. I can't breath it in deep enough. Come out and view the scenery and smell the air..





Going down the staircase to my secret pier


coming back up..

snagged from a quiz in (e:ladycrofts) journal

• The keys to your heart**

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

• How you are in love**

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

I am working on the readings and assignments for my new class, Organizational
Ethics, Values and the Law. I have been intensely fascinated with all subject matter
to this point and I am sure that I will not be disappointed with this course. I
apply myself to my courses as though I were a blank slate. I don't want to apply
what I am learning to what I know already. My aim is to unlearn and relearn.. then
evaluate the information and apply or replace the new information. That is my
strategic plan..

I have a background in the law, but I have probably forgotten much of it. Not only
due to the amount of time that has passed since I had legal studies, but the time
frame in which it occurred. I had a work related back injury three and a half years
ago. It left me with my world turn upside down.

This pissed me off.

Daily physical therapy, painful injections into my back, financial ruin, exorbitant
weight gain, friends fading into the background, depression, meds that were
prescribed then later taken off the market, insomnia and future uncertainty made me
feel broken.

Broken yet pissed off. I would not stand (no pun) for the inability to take care of myself. I hated everything about this period of my life, and I had to do what I could and even more, to make it better. I mustered what little strength I had to work really hard, one day at a time to get better. It took almost a year, but I managed to get to the point where I could work again. Believe me, that was the worst part of all. I guess I base much of who I am on what I do. And my stubborn need totake care of myself. Everything I had learned in school and life felt fuzzy to me. I felt, “dumbed-down”. I found out later that this is common in painful injuries/life traumas. I have the horrors written out in both my paper journal and livejournal. I don’t know if I can revisit that “place” quite yet.

Skip to: I begin work (at my current place of employment). I could barely get through the day, but I managed. I would get home and sleep the rest of the evening and into the next morning. Each day I got stronger; physically and mentally.

Two and a half years after starting this job I am still going strong. I have not had any related issues in two years. I am still in a high risk for injury environment, but this is where I belong. I love the chaos, the physical nature of the job (still working on the last 35 lbs) and the ever changing nature of the job. I am also in school, which I love;I feel as though I am in my element.

Recently, in my interview (for internal position), when asked what my greatest accomplishment has been, I said it was the strength, courage and tenacity to overcome an injury and being able to see the growth that has occurred as a result of this period in my life.

Post injury me is a more compassionate/feeling individual. I take time to see and understand people and things around me. I respect and admire people who also respect and treat others with dignity. Mean spirited is weak. My tolerance of he said-she said games are done with; I speak up when people are generalizing stereo types regarding relationships and gender.

I get to know people on an individual basis, but that is how I have always operated.

Anyway, the post injury me is kicking ass and taking out the trash 

And soon to buy a coffee maker.
A bean grinder.
Beans.
Tupperware to house the beans.
Cross Country skiis.
And an updated cell phone. Here is a pic of my cell phone ;)

(e:pyrcedgrrl) assisted me this evening in impregnating my iPod with a plethora of music. She allowed me to violate her iTune files, and I gleefully did just that, and supplemented what I couldn't find in her files with plenty of stuff from Lime Wire.

I hope the 20 gigs is enough storage space :) I have two weeks to determine if I like it or not.. so I can always go for the 60 gig, hehe

There is so much more that I need.

I am up way past my bedtime in search of more and more music. I keep saying, "just one more download.."

Help feed my addiction!

the makings of madwomen: [inlink]pyrcedgrrl,8[/inlink]