I think I saw this same thing once about Vin Diesel, but it's fucking funny.


Some new facts you may not have known about the baddest man on the
planet.


Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name
into concrete.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck
Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and
save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding
just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of
spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm
escaped and got into the engine.
We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean
Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."



Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing
around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
seconds you have left to live.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken
but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not
grow on steel.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven"
backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.

They bleed for a week as a result.


Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris'
PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than
Death can process them.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states
in order to legally wear pants. Chuck Norris is the only person on the
planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never
fucks up.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the
park.
Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the
squirrel and 3 small children.
Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw
Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever
asks him for his ID.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And
then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Dollars to donuts, I'm not spelling that right, but it's dogging my mom at the moment. She battled Bells Palsy a few years ago and the thought was that it had returned for round two. During a previous scheduled eye appt today, the eye doctor noticed one eye going nowhere during the annoying follow the light test. An MRI and some blood work, and suddenly a waiting neurologist later my folks have a more accurate path to go follow. I believe they stopped for Predizone on the way home. Good son that I am I arranged for the pizza delivery guy to meet em. Helluva thing. A week on the right meds and she'll be giving people the stink eye like normal. My dad described today as a bit of a mystery. From the eye doctors discovery at 9 to the waiting exam and MRI. It's a little nerve wracking in that to eliminate things you have to consider everything and that can make your mind nuts until you get to eliminate stuff.

Possibilities can be entralling sometimes, other times they can just be a bitch.

Thinking a good thought....

so it would cut itself."

Saw that on a t shirt this morning at the Towne. It is possible to laugh at 8 am on a Sunday. Rarely does an omelet reveal great secrets but whilest consuming my pre-game Bacon and Swiss, I decided that I need not the football next season. I'm going to finish off this year's committment and go gently into the good night.

A few folks lamented how they want fall, well here you go. It was cold for 50 degrees. I'm officially a wimp, as soon as the gates opened up, I had gloves on. Patrolling the Aisle between section 125 and 126 has been my beat of late. I expect to run into (e:Mrdeadlier) before too long. It was fairly innocuous today, aside from one guy who drank himself into a stupor and graphically illustrated how much. I thought it was cool that his buddies got him out of there without the sheriff's getting involved. I don't understand the mentality that wants to down as many 6.50 bud lights so quickly. The steady stream of folks getting multiples of that "fine" brew was impressive and discerning. Pay the extra buck and get a guinness people.

That and a few objective persona made it fairly easy. When things go right for the team, it does redefine why people like going to games in general. The communal experience, the sharing of good times, breaks down barriers. People who probably would be too scared or uptight to say hello on street corners are reaching across aisles to hi-five, talk some smack or share internet phones to check fantasy player stats. Those moments aren't nearly frequent enough, but when you do them, it's good for the soul, healthy to lose yourself in something bigger than you.

Lest you think I've gone around the bend (or more likely hi-fived a few too many times), those brief moments are always spoiled by ten more scenes like what I watched today. A little girl maybe 4 scared to go down the stairs because her grandmother went ahead of her. The old bitty had to be hollered at to come a little closer to get the kid. (Guess who did the hollerin). That can be scary and there are a lot of big bruisers who aren't looking out. There were repeated scenes like that too so it is an interesting study. I like the extra cash influx, but the 10 laps up and down the steps left me pooped and looking forward to the latest "Treehouse of Horror." in a few minutes.

The whole thing makes for a lonely Sunday, stocked with a lot of tertiary characters. Lots of people drift in and out for a comment or two, but from an early morning internal debate with myself about how many layers to breakfast to showing up to work left me looking forward to working over the Lions tomorrow.

My former employer sent me a letter explaining how they've fucked up my 401K payments and the correction will take place in the next few days, apparently the company wasn't kickin in at the advertised rate. Same stack of letters held my first bill as a non-employee. I promptly cancelled all the big movie channels. That will show'em.

Firefox didn't adjust to the time change, it locked and purged all my bookmarks. Bastards. If only I could blame that on they who will no longer be named. Best be nice, I got a meeting to make them sponsor the Giraffes in two weeks.

In light of the gender card being played at the other wise pointless democratic debate, I give you this. The old boys club in their finest frockery.


















Be thankful there is no swimsuit competition

Almost wrapped up the first significant chunk of time on the new gig, I can find everything and am starting to remember names and I don't think I've pissed anybody off that I'm aware of. So, so far everything is good. I got a handle on things somewhat that I can open my mouth without sounding too stupid. At least not anymore so than usual.

The previous employer who will no longer be named decided they need one more screwing of me to complete the set. They had it arranged that you get all your benefit time right up front. It does permit you to map things out and carry stuff over from year to year. My younger sister got married a month ago and I had blocked the time off. You get the time out but you "earn" it with each pay period. In addition to getting my new job check, I had one day's pay remaining from the evil overlords of yore. They saw fit out of the 8 hours of salary on the check, to take back six of them, since I left with a little more than two months to go. I know it's playing by the rules, but it frosts me a little to see them be so tight when I had more than 100 hours of sick time left that I hadn't gotten too.

It's just a nice reminder that there are always better possibilities. Part of me wants to tease my sister that her wedded bliss went 94 dollars over budget, so there goes the present. I shouldn't, but I probably will. Never too old to be that kind of jerk.

Elsewhere, Halloween night was a good time. I took part in a Wiccan changing of the season ceremony with respectful silence. It was interesting to see a whole different tradition, which gave way to a really nice houseparty. The fathers present divved up the responsibilities getting the trick or treaters out. We got a great neighborhood, but I wasn't inclined to turn the young folk really loose. I got the 7th and 8th grade girls and we cruised up and down Ashland and Norwood. ((e:drew) and (e:Janelle) , my daughter was the one in the witch hat. It cracked me up that she chastised me for having friends on Lexington that she knew nothing about). They did pretty well, loot-wise, tried to tell them that we really should have hit the other side of Lexington to truly make out, but what are ya going to do.

Randomly speaking of course,

I got in trouble on the new job the other day, but skillful devil that I am, I weaseled my way out it, by being right. Score one for the "new guy."

I'm full for the election campaign locally and nationally. Locally I think there should be special places in hell for our county executive candidates. Neither has said anything what they are going to if they get the job. I just returned from a meeting that demonstrated how pious some of the departments can be and neither Keane or Collins has given me a reason to consider them. Bad enough the two of them made me think of reassessing Jimmy Griffin. Bastards!

Nationally, I'm full for the presidential goofs as well. Campaign hasn't really started, but given the hype and logjam of caucuses and primaries, the whole thing is done by Valentine's Day. We'll have annointed candidates, then another 9 months of people talking out their ass to get elected. Given that commentators today are talking about Obama making a last stand to chase Hillary with tonight's debate, I'm more than full for empty promises. I want people to tell me things that don't mean anything, I'll head to the Pink after midnight.

Between the Bills, my sister's wedding, the transition from Time Warner to the Zoo, I had been without a day off in about 3 weeks, I finally got Sunday off and spent that celebrating my Dad's belated birthday. If I was looking a little droopy eyed on Saturday, it was only partly due to beer consumption.

Great to see everybody as always. My costume was fictional. I worked till about 9:30 at a Zoo event, but it was worth it to get my butt to the 24. Great costumes and skeery creativity, with props to (e:carolinian) to putting his own special payoff on his costume. (e:Imk2) 's was a vision and I mean that in a good way.

Don't care about the Bills quarterback controversy. If all goes well here, they are getting my resignation after the Ice Bowl. Decided that the other day, now that this is seemingly off to a good start, I think I can scale back to one gig, but I do want to get that free hockey game in, especially given the scope of it.

Apparently, we're not cranking them out quick enough here

Distracted drivers are one of my biggest pet peeves. If you are on the road, pay attention dammit. Hell, if you are in a car at all pay attention. Coming out of my apartment building, there is a long driveway that spills out onto Delaware Ave. This morning, I drove to the end of it and stopped, waiting the space that you can cruise onto Delaware. When this Lexus IN THE FUCKING DRIVEWAY!?!?! decides to back up without looking and side swipes us. I say us because my kids have been with me this week and two off them were in the car.

That ups my inner crazy level more. The impact wasn't that big a deal. On my car, you really can't tell anything was wrong, but it was enough to wake you up. She manages to trap me in my door with the back half of her car on Delaware. I crawl out of my passenger side and direct her to just pull forward without adjusting the steering wheel so the two vehicles were free. We were able to both inspect and it was largely much ado over nothing. She was classy enough to apologize to my kids, promising to look, etc.

We exchanged info, but I can't really find anything wrong that I can't fix with a paintbrush (and a small one at that). Kids have a helluva story to start the day at school. I guess this journal is one of the few I've written to get it out of my head so I can be productive today. I drove to work and everything seems fine.

After getting a look at my kids faces and the lack of anything substantive on the car, I'm letting it go. But Holy Shit am I awake now.

One of the tremendous upsides of my new location is literally having Delaware Park out the back door. A handful of colleagues and I went out to do a lap around the ring road at lunchtime. About a third of the way around, we saw a guy with a bunch of pitbull puppies playing off to the side of the road. A dad and his daughter (I presume) stopped their walk to see the dogs, so the five of us did too. Dogs are happy and bounding around and it was a nice few minutes. Never dawned on any of us that the dude wasn't taking his pups out for a romp, but was looking the peddle each puppy for profit and turns out is wanted by the cops.

Talk about letting your guard down.

Cuteness can make you stupid.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his
wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my
wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so
please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,

do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and

Mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and

got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and

got the kids organized to do their homework,

then set up the ironing board and

watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and

washing vegetables for salad,

breaded the pork chops and

snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,

ran the dishwasher,

folded laundry,

bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished,

he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said:

-"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy
my

wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please,
let us

trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be
happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."