about everything; about what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I've done. The same feelings of loneliness, hovers yet i am happier with myself. How come my dreams a night send me into these worlds where I'm in love. More than a few occasions in my dreams I am kissing or touching someone and sublimely happy. And then I wake up alone again. Nothing like a good dream to ruin the rest of your day. My new life is still starting and i am more excited about it as the moments pass, but right now it's one of those feelings of truths, where you know that you are all alone in this world and no one is going to love you, like you do.*Le sigh* But all we want is somebody to love, and them to love us back. I hope I'm not too pathetic.

Something you can count on in New York: Never a dull weekend. Two bottles of wine and a halfof joint then it's off to the Brass Monkey in the meat packing district. i have never been in that area, and I don't know if it was the joint or the wine (maybe a combination of the two) but the meat packing district is the coolest spot in the city. The grunge that looms over the streets and buildings was intriguing. I wanted to run around and find out all the dirty happenings that that hood has seen and been through, it would have been practically orgasmic. i wih I oculd have remebered more but I was too stoned and drunk to recall. Did I mention I haven't smoked in over a month? The Brass monkey was equally as fun, a girlfriend of mine from buffalo works there and she makes a mean cosmo. That night surprisingly I was sleep by mid-night. All day saturday with a dead cell phone and no energy to go back to mu house and charge the bitch, all I did was watch the entire first season of greys anatomy. Damn thats a good show. Saturday night, which is usually more fun than fridays, it was off to the lower west side for some dancng at a place called Ms. shapes or Don hills. Good place anyway lots of homos and drunk chicks, people having sex behind this curtain where other people were dancing. Madonna's song "Hung Up" sounds a lot better in a night club, and leave it to me to pick up the english straight guy. We hang out togther all night, he's buying me drinks and shots. Constantly making jokes about exposing himself, and making out because people around us were. Dancing, grinding, hand holding as we surf through the crowd. I stop him and ask the magic question "Do you have a girlfriend?" assuming I knew the answer, and I did "Yes I do". And where is this girlfriend? Oh back home in London. Whoa Nelly. More dancing and drinking, we close out the mutha fucka and we take the subway to our seperat homes after a picture of each other,a hug and a kiss but not that kind of kiss. Nice boy, size 14 shoes. Sunday big sleepy time. So as Black history month comes to a close, The shortest and coldest month, which I am sure all of mt Afro brotha's appreciate. I realized something none of my friends called me to say "Hey T.K. thanks for being black." Just a thought. Muah!

"You can stay, but you can't stay my lover."

Friday night trying to find someone to have a drink with. The first two people I call are not available (including (e:hodown)). I go with my third choice. BIG MISTAKE! First of all she's napping at 8:30 p.m. So I wait for her to wake up at the bar around the corner. Cute bartender who infact talks to me the whole time I am waiting for my friend to wake up (about two hours). He buys my third jack and coke and asks me to stay and sing karaoke which he loves to do so much. NO thank you I found a baby roach in my guinness. But I told him I will come again. Girlfriend FINALLY wakes up, she, her roomate, two homos and myself have cosmo's before we go out. Her roomate is notorious for shit talk about people behind their backs and I catch her giving me a dirty look as I walk by. We go to the bar and theres a guy at the end of the bar giving the *wink*, lick of the lips, a little pucker of the lips. After many efforts that i ignore he begins to leave and I realize not only was he about 66 but he had a walker no joke! I am on fire tonight. The crew I'm went want to do drugs, I say no thank you I have shit to do in the morning but I didn't want to go home I still wanted to hang out. Thats not good enough apparently so they take off and now I'm somewhere in queens. Where? I don't know. SO now I have to find a subway station, takes forever and then I get on three wrong subways. I try to call the girl so she could help this heavily intoxicted boy, no answer no call back. NOw I am in east butt fuck somwhere (queens) it was awful I finally get home, upset because dunkin dounuts were not serving bagels. I go to sleep and do so for about 3 hours and then I had to go fill out paper work in the city for my new job, go home try to nap don't do it instead I do laundry and then It's back to manhattan to go to whatever those palces were called.All I know I didn't really have to pay for much because I was out with all girls and they love to treat the homo, and then there was this guy who pays my cover for the second club, so I had to ask his name and then say thank you. I wake up the nest afternoon go home and stay in for the next two days. Friday night sucked saturday night was a lot better. It's good to know who your friends are. Something else that aint pretty, I haven't had a satisfiying sexual episode in about 8 months. Thats sick. I'm trying to talk my brother out of getting a car. Especially if he wants to move to the city once he gets off probation. Yeah I have a brother on probation and a mother on parole. Fathers a born-again pastor. W.T.F. mate?

It's been a hell of a week. First: I still hate kids. Glad I got that out of the way. The rest of the week included fainting, getting drunk (that happens a lot i think), getting lost in queens while drunk, GETTIN A MUTH FUCKIN JOB! I think is the most important. THats right this blackman has a job. Where and what you might be axing yo self. The new Dave and Busters in times square! I would tell you all about the place since theres only 35 of them in the world including a new one that opened up near buffal last year, but Im hung over and very very tired. Dry throat. It hasn't opened yet but it will the third week of march to the V.I.P. people and then to the public in april. I will be waiting tables it's going to be a lot of fun. I get to have two drinks (real drinks) while I work. Oh and did I mention A nigga has benefits (hope I spelled that right, thats not really a word I type too much). Benefits including dental, 4o1k, I think a company mobile phone and other stuff too. I had a dream my dad was trying kiss me and take off my clothes as I was running away from him. Weird. So I wont be able to visit the B-Lo as soon as I want to I am going to be a very busy boy. The other goos news is I can afford to join a gym. This body of mine is starting to look pretty flabby, you know without excercise in two months yuck! Anywho gotta go. Big ups to Bonquipha! DABBA means "good"

The original Nintendo has dawned itself upon me a couple days ago, so I have been playing ALL THREE super marion bros. games (3 being my favorite). The racoon tail and the flying, the whistles, the cannon ships. Just brings back so much good memories. If only I had a partner to play with hmmmmm? Of course I forgot about the blinking screen that comes up as soon as you turn on the game. And the blowing of the cartridges. Frustrating but well worth it. I still hate kids, and I never plan to have any EVER! Question: can you miss somebody so much that it makes you want to change your world? Your dreams and day dreams say different things but has the same message. It gets really frustrating. You think you did the right thing but your heart still tugs in the other direction. Just as it did when you were over there. It makes no sense i know, damn this heart of mine for having feeling. It's valentines day and I am not lookling for love. Too much snow for that bullshit. Although I was going through and old black notebook I had in college and on this day four years ago I had wrote a poem. It was very sappy and very sad I found myself hung up on some boy, who I don't like and has anal warts now. I think Valentines day is a holiday not only for hallmark but for women. They seem to be more into it then men do. Happy Vagina day ladies and I hope for all of you who have valentines that they take care of your vagina very well today.

Thursday and Friday, good times and good times....I think? Thursday I went out with my friend Sara to Iggy's a karaoke bar on the east side. This was my second time going and it was more crowded and I got more drunk this time.The bartendres went around puring shouts In people's mouths and there was tequila (yuck), vodka (yum), and PBR! A boy from Ohio slipped me tounge because I found his lighter, followed me outside whenever I went and then I saww him going to the bathrrom with this girl he was making out with ( EVERY FUCKIN TIME!). Slept for about 3 hours on an air matress with a boy named Dan. Friday came fast and it was my friends Nikki's birthday so it was party time. I called (e:terry) before I got drunk that night but hen it went crazy after that. Pissing on Madison ave and then to the rented out room we had which also featured karaoke! Lots of bad singing that night, not from me ofcourse but from the other males at the party. You know you're drunk when, you are getting hit on by a gay guy and not realizing it untill he leaves. I missed the obvious signs such as: the constant arm around my shoulders or waist each time there was a picture taken or I sang a song, anouncing he was gay over the mic, and singing off my mic every group song getting his face and lips oddly close to mine. His name? Hell I don't know. To another bar that night which involved more drinking and a looooooong conversation with this straight boy named, shit don't that one either. Back to nikkis sleepy time awakend by rude cable guy, and then throbbing headache which Colin helped with asprin as soon as I awaked. I go home and sleep for 14 hours. Much needed. Well that about sums it up my next party weekend wont come for a while now. I gotta save up some dough to visit my fav (e:peeps). Baby's callin gotta go.

My cell phone is still being bad so If any of my friends were trying to call me don't bother right it's being very very bad. I might have to get a new one. I was thinking T-Mobile according to Mrs. catherine they are the most trusted in the country. Things that make you go Hmmmmm?

Yeeeeaah so four full days of walking around newyork looking for jobs did some real damage to my precious body. My long and very lovely, dancer leggs are so stiff it has alterd my distnct and sexy walk. NOT HOT. My right knee has been sore for the past three days and I have never had knee problems. Oh please don't let this pain be in vain. Evey bar I go to has something way different about it and thats always fun. Last night as I was asking a store clerk directions to the nearest pizza place I noticed that his right was holding his erect dick and he was in mid-spoodge ( i hope thats the way you spell it). And what killed me is that the person who was buying things from him didn't seem to notice. The clerk wasn't old but he was ugly. still I think thats something that should be saved for home or if you really can't wait, maybe closing the store and running to the bathroom out of public sight. Just a thought. Gotta love New York for surprising you everyday. I'm not starving and I have a warm place to sleep every night so I'm o.k. It's funny because I can't listen to certain songs because it's makes me think about the people I miss back home and how happy i was with them everyday. My uncle died of a heart attack a couple days ago. So this week it's back to the drawing board or the streets of new york. wish me fuck.

There has been an on going debate in my head wather or not I really want to stay in new york. Nothing seems to be going right for me here thus far and I'm I think I lost weight. My cell phone is broken so I had to send it to the company to fix so Im phoneless. Whichdosen't seem to matter since none of my friends return my phone calls and there has been no jobs calling me back. I am doing the un-thinkable right now. I'm BABYSITTING a baby! But he makes my rent cheaper so you know, ones gotta do. I babysit little Cory twice a week and it makes my rent $240.00 a month and he's cute and fat. LAst week was declared the worst week of my life, I was deathly ill, my phone broke and I didn't eat for three days. Although I seem to no be having much fun here yet, moving back to buffalo seems like a bad idea, I mean yeah iI would be with my close friends ( who don't return my phones calls) but I would have to go bakc to that P place and I'm not sure I've hit that low yet. Another up note I did meet Mike Myers (Austin Powers, Waynes World) that was cool I am a fan of his. Anywho gotta go baby calls. Bye Bye B-lo.