"motivation" written by Ladycroft on estrip.org

02/09/07 05:13 - 23ºF - ID#38089

motivation

My brother got married in August 2005. I shared my sister's camera as I did not yet own a digital. It took her a year to send me a disc with the pics on them. Then I lost the discs during my move and have just recently discovered their location. As I was going through them, adjusting sizes and whatnot, I came to a realization. I was in such better shape than I am now. The difference jumps out at you.

I know I have an excuse for the most recent 20 pounds, my medication. I have since switched medications and that excess weight is slowly melting away. Yet, I will still be about 20 pounds heavier than in these photos. It's crazy I tell you, crazy! What a difference 20 pounds makes in a person. What's even more disturbing is that at the time these photos were taken, I was already 20 pounds heavier than I always have been!!!

According to my simple calculations, that means I am actually 60 pounds heavier than my body traditional rests at. WAKE UP CALL. Of course being depressed you don't really care about your appearance. The inside was, and always will be, much more important. Now that the meds have been kicking for quite some time, I feel I'm in a place where I am ready to start making the effort to change my outward appearance.

So, I'm posting a few of these shots not for narcissistic gratification but for motivation. Plus, there's that funny one of (e:lilho) and I when we first met. She babysat my brother's wedding. Ciao.

at the falls

i broke my shades with my big strong butt

with lil sis (apparently i like this stance)

my date bernard

putting my bike away before rehersal dinner....look how freaking white my legs are!

with lilho

museumchick writes at 01:37:21 02/10/07 - Comment #15522: Those look really nice! I like the one of you with your bicycle a lot.

theecarey writes at 12:05:24 02/10/07 - Comment #15512: Awesome pics! I hear ya, and I know you--It will all roll off. Lets start training for Muddy Buddy :)
It is motivating to see pictures. I, um, just found my 'wake up call' pictures. Was half tempted to post them, but decided against it. Not ready to unleash Skinny-Carey pics to the world. First i'll post them around my apartment.
Can you print from work? I could print a pic or two of yours if I have enough ink in my printer (if you'd like). I like that you have these, I remember all that wedding craziness! All your helpful hard work!
oh, hehe, Bernard! at *your* family wedding.
memories.. that was a fun summer.

libertad writes at 10:20:51 02/09/07 - Comment #15506: I love those pictures...all of them! The first one you look like a movie star. The second one has an expression on you that I would never have imagined you making. You have really cute short hair. The fourth picture I thought you were wearing white stockings. That is lilho?!

imk2 writes at 09:40:35 02/09/07 - Comment #15505: you look so cute in those photos. you can join yoga classes with us. we go on wednesday nights at the trimain building on main.

imk2 writes at 09:39:38 02/09/07 - Comment #15504

metalpeter writes at 07:13:46 02/09/07 - Comment #15498: Nice pictures. Maybe it is just me but in the last one with the simalur facial expresions you two almost look related. I do agree that what is on the inside is more important then the outside. But I'm sure if you wana drop weight you can do it in a healthy way and get it done.

lilho writes at 07:06:37 02/09/07 - Comment #15497: oooh. i look bad in the pic. why do i look like a 30+ mom?

Permalink: motivation.html
Words: 314
Location: Niagara Falls, NY

Category: dream

02/08/07 04:47 - 19ºF - ID#38071

bad dream

I had a bad dream last night. Apparently I was on a job interview at a large school in North Carolina. They wanted me to watch a video about the school however they had me sitting inside a stadium and the video was playing on a TV outside. Oh, let me also mention there was a pep rally going on! There was a marching band, screaming fans, bull horns, pom-poms - the whole nine yards. Girls kept coming up to me and saying weird things like, "you're hair ain't big nuf for this state" and "your eye shadow is perfectly layered". It was so chaotic and anxiety provoking.

I leave the 'interview' to check my e-mail and I had a disturbing message. It read, "You................will not hear from me or see me ever again, Timka." I didn't like it, at all.

Permalink: bad_dream.html
Words: 142
Location: Niagara Falls, NY

Category: potpourri

02/06/07 05:44 - 11ºF - ID#38040

mashed lyrics

Mashed song lyrics as an expression of how I'm feeling today:

what is this?
are you some kind of hypnotist?

maybe i just look detached
i feel the social glare

i have to speculate
that God himself did
make us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the tray

you don't believe me

i take a breath
hold the air until there is nothing left

wash away the thoughts inside
in the darkness i remain

there is no fucking you
there is only me

Permalink: mashed_lyrics.html
Words: 84
Location: Niagara Falls, NY

Category: potpourri

02/05/07 01:20 - 9ºF - ID#38027

two simple words

If someone does something nice for you, the least you SHOULD do is express your gratitude with a 'thank you'. Two simple words that can make such a difference. If you're too cool for school and can't utter those words, you should at least fucking acknowledge what was done for you!

For example, "I got your card", or "wow you cleaned".

Something - Anything to let that person know they haven't gone unnoticed on this planet, regardless if you're a fucker who can't say thanks. That is all.

ladycroft writes at 07:59:36 02/05/07 - Comment #15352: you're spot on leetee. some days are just harder to see through than others.

and yes peter, i suppose i'd rather get nothing than a totally fake thank you. but i don't like to make assumptions that anyone is grateful for anything i do for them. i've been proven wrong far too many times.

metalpeter writes at 07:59:27 02/05/07 - Comment #15351: Wait What I typed wasn't what I meant to say. I kinda said it wrong. I do think that when you do something nice it would be nice to get a thank you. But if you are doing something nice then you are doing something to be nice not for a thank you. The problem is how do you know if the person really is thankfull unless they tell you. I do think that some people do assume that you know that they are thankfull so they don't say anything. What I was trying to speak about how our Polite society has some aspects to it that inforce fake Sinsarity (how ever it is spelled). I great example of this is at the conrner store where the person says thanks for shoping here (most times they could careless and if you warn't there they could talk to there friends about the good or bad time they had last night.) The Joke I was talking about is that sometimes does something for you that also benifits them so you both give out a thank you. Can't think of a good example but say someone says thank you to you than you say thanks for the thanks then they could go it was my pleasure and it could go on forever. I hope this is more clear then the first one. What I think is the real issue is not knowing if the person was really thankfull or not. But they might say thanks but be thinking it would have been better off with out the help.

metalpeter writes at 07:08:03 02/05/07 - Comment #15346: I understand what you mean, but sometimes take for granted that you know they are thankfull. What gets me more upset is the system of thank yous. For example a wedding you give a gift then they send you a thank you card. There is a lot of thank you that I don't want to say are fake but are insicre that are just words. Sometimes I joke around to much when people say or no thank you. So i'll say so thank you for the thank you.

leetee writes at 05:20:42 02/05/07 - Comment #15339: I can understand your frustration... i've been on the giving end of a small token and gotten stoney silence. And yeah, it upset me.

Then, i realized part of the reason i was upset was my expectations. Yeah, ok, i totally agree, people should say thank you or notice.

But is that why you do it? Merely for the recognition? Nope, you don't. You do it because you are a kind, giving person.

Happy venting, and don't let the inconsiderate leave you feeling like you are less than you are!!

Permalink: two_simple_words.html
Words: 88
Location: Niagara Falls, NY

Category: potpourri

02/04/07 04:40 - 5ºF - ID#38011

ghosts and legcicles

Ghost Hunters marathon on Sci-Fi today!

Got caught in that snow storm last night trying to get home from work at Canisius. I hardly made it to the subway station. Visibility was about 3 feet and I think the wind chill registered at -15, but my frozen legcicles and forehead would wager it to be even less. I couldn't even tell where the sidewalks were supposed to be, so I fell off the curb and into the street.

That arctic air was so cold I could feel my eyeballs freezing. I actually had a moment when I wondered, if I was caught in a storm while climbing a mountain...is this how you go out? Is this the last thing you remember seeing and feeling before your body shuts down?

Permalink: ghosts_and_legcicles.html
Words: 129
Location: Niagara Falls, NY

Category: birthdays

02/03/07 04:39 - 19ºF - ID#37983

happy birthday pete!

Happy Happy Birthday Kookcity2000!!!

Permalink: happy_birthday_pete_.html
Words: 4
Location: Niagara Falls, NY

Category: sick

02/02/07 11:55 - 24ºF - ID#37968

sinuitis

I finally went to the doctor yesterday and found out why I've had this reocurring battle with coughing and congestion over the last 3 weeks. I have a severe sinus infeciton. I got some meds last night so hopefully I'll be feeling much better by Sunday.

I got the results back from my comprehensive exams. PASS.

Cheers, with my big glass of water. Ciao.

Permalink: sinuitis.html
Words: 63
Location: Niagara Falls, NY

Category: potpourri

01/31/07 06:08 - 24ºF - ID#37940

my valentine

Funny. Almost one year later, but I finally received Dr. Luvre's valentine card! Thanks again (e:Ajay), it made me laugh pretty hard today when I saw that in my box. Cute poem.

Permalink: my_valentine.html
Words: 33
Location: Niagara Falls, NY

Category: potpourri

01/25/07 11:30 - 13ºF - ID#37861

woooohoooooooo!

I'm finished. I took the written comprehensive last Saturday and today my partners and I preseneted our oral case. We did fantastic!!! I'm on the home stretch. Just two more classes to wrap up and I'm outa here! Joy, joy, joy!

P.S. I'm about to knock my co-worker's light out. She's a fucking pig, her desk is disgusting and she keeps pushing her shit into my space. I only have a corner to start with. If she'd put her shit in files and in the damn filing drawer where they belong she'd have enough room for fat self. Grrrrrrrrr. Maybe I'll take a photo tomorrow and show you what I'm talking about.

Permalink: woooohoooooooo_.html
Words: 113
Location: Niagara Falls, NY

Category: potpourri

01/23/07 02:30 - 30ºF - ID#37836

this is your brain on speed

My new drugs give me lots more energy. Here are some of the things I did during my frenzied hours.

I finally tailored my winter coat. It was too long, to wide in the waist, and didn't cover my boobs. I've never tailored anything like that before but how else do you learn but through experimentation.

Step 1: make appropriate length

Step 2: trim edges, remove inner and outer breast pockets

Step 3: add 3rd button, trim waist

Then I scrubbed my fridge out and created some shelf railings out of duct tape and carboard. The third row down on the door was non-existent. Amazing how much more room you get out of something so simple as that.

I still had the need to keep my mind and hands busy so I took my entire DVD collection and placed them in little sleeves. Look how much room I saved!! Those stacks now fit in 2 little crates.

Care came over a few times and we played an old skool favorite: Castelvania, Simon's Quest Check out that hip scrolling screen technology.

Carey found a typo

There was no SAVE option back then. Remember passwords!? This one is so long it's crazy if you loose it.

The new international students arrived and orientation went smoothly. I almost forgot these incredible shots I took while freezing my eyeballs on the observation deck at Niagara Falls.