I've always wanted a 'secret garden'- now I want it in a greenhouse. How wonderful it would be to breathe and relax and meditate surounded by the warmth, smell and energy of plants (and dirt!)- any time of year.
There must be a water element as well..

so the visual textures of the Botanical Gardens- not sure how these will turn out- will bring my nifty new-ish camera next time (software is stuck in comp)

'Simplicity is the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.'
I am still contemplating that one.

Anyone ever read, The Importance of Living" written by Lin Yutang? I have an amber paged- musty smelling copy circa 1937. I picked it up awhile ago and had then set it down, only to return to it several months later. The overall message is a reminder to savor life's simple pleasures.

I love the smell of old books. The pages and binding are well intact- and does not appear to be fragile. I will begin to read a few chapters. I enjoy reading to understand others thoughts. In this case a book written in the 30's by a Chinese writer. There are both cultural and generation differences- yet how much is the same? There are common themes across time and places that connect us more than separate us.

I prefer connection.

"Only those who take leisurely what the people of the world are busy about can be busy about what the people of the world take leisurely"
-Chang Ch'ao

enjoy the sunshine..

and as my Moroccan friend always tells me, "don't forget your smile".

Yesterday I awoke with the desire to run through the woods

nothing surprising there, I suppose. I have lost track of how often I have mentioned (and completed) that wish. Yet I have been far off course these last few months, so feeling it yesterday was decidedly a delicate mix of both novel and familiar.

I began with continuing to work on domestic tasks- purging, organizing, cleansing. I am making a mess, disrupting my current 'system', but in a short period of time, it will all come back together. I may very well be the only person who notices- as everything is normally clean and has a relaxing ambiance. But I am getting into the details- it is a bit of a purge on a few levels.

Eventually I made my way to (e:ladycroft) where our outdoor adventure led us to Bird Pier Island. I still wanted very much to breathe in the woods, but time needed to be factored in. I suggested finding the pier as I had yet to go out on it, although I drive by it regularly. We set out not knowing quite where we were going. Thats ok, it is all part of the experience. Well, it was closing in on dusk by the time we parked. perfect.

The breeze was chilly and rain drops began to fall. As always the weather is not a deterent. I was quite pleased with the weather- it felt perfect to me. The darkness came slowly as we made our way to the pier; talking, thinking, laughing sharing ideas. Occasionally we stopped to look at the water- calm along the canal side, rough rushing waves along the river, ourselves making our way inbetween.

I relished the sound of the water crashing upon the boulders.

I ran my fingers lightly over the cool metal cable lining the pier- guiding me as my focus was rarely straight ahead.

Geese, ducks and seagulls delighted me.. "GEESIES!!" "DUCKIES!!", I exclaimed.

In the distance, water crashed over the break wall.

The sky held multiple layers of grey and blue clouds, with deep pink peeking through. The greatest darkness was further into the distance- where the vastness of lake erie held me mesmorized. The combination of breeze, rushing water and birds engolfed me in a sense of the surreal. Breathing in, the air maintained a surprising freshness. Inhaling deeply, it smelt like a summer night in July. LC concurred.

Reaching the furthest point we could go, I was a bit disappointed that it was time to turn back around. We stood and talked a bit longer contemplating the purpose of a structure in the distance that looked like a pirate ship, a magic one at that. Discussion of lake surfing, rafting and stealth missions ensued. The return walk was just as visually pleasing but in a less dramatic and surreal way.

Darkness now apparent, the evening lights of Buffalo and Canada reflected off the water, encouraging color selection for a painting palette. "so many colors in the water right now" with the ducks swimming by, making endless ripples. The structures of downtown were seen from a refreshing persective- a future trek will include my camera.

(e:mrmike,224) we too considered the fate of Fred and Christina :) and that abandoned black sweater proved to be a vital element in hiding LC's secret treasure. I am pleased to have finally located the pier (thanks, (e:pyrcedgrrl) ) and to have shared this experience with (e:ldaycroft) - who is equally up for a spontaneous outing. The remainder of the evening included making a yummy dinner, playing Simons Quest and munching on apples for dessert.

Today, I spent time outside getting my hands dirty.

damn, that felt good.

at the risk of sounding.. veiled..


It felt good to be somewhere I didn't belong- all the learning and unlearning that can be gained from such experiences.. but it feels so much better to take the necessary steps toward getting to where I do belong.

when you are on a path that is clearly not good for you (mentally, spiritually, physically,socially) and you know what lies ahead are things much greater, much more in alignment with who you are and are becoming, then the whole universe conspires for you- to help return you to who you are and guide you to where you need to be.

That I am grateful for..

and I am grateful for the opportunities, challenges and perceived 'roadblocks' and self questioning that has consumed the last quarter of 2006.

I am grateful for my family and friends (interchangeable labels) that have been available to support, to question, to listen and to just be there..

and I am grateful for the strength to choose freedom, to choose peace, to choose my well being in light of the grand scheme of things

and I am grateful for the energy and excitement and authentic sense of calm that accompanies me,

on this new life adventure.

And you know how much I love adventure ;)

mmm the sunshine was especially splendid today. I was still at work while the sun set, but I could see streaks of purple and orange trailing beyond the windows of the building, above the tree branches, reaching beyond what my eye could see. I would have done anything to be able to stand at my waters shore and watch the gorgeous display unfold.

Instead, I stood at the reception desk, looking out the front doors and imaging the rest of what I could not see, but what I knew was there.

If I take a few steps back into last night, I was equally in awe of the moon. Driving home from work, the bright light reflected off of the water as I drove north across the Grand Island bridge. Moonlight on water, I am not sure if I have ever seen it look so intense, beautiful and intriguing. The image is burned into my mind- only a picture could do better- and only if I was taking that picture.

I was able to extend the experience after I parked my car. Gazing upwards, the clear starry sky provided a backdrop for the full moon. Amazing. I breathed in the cool air- feeling neither warm nor cold- just peaceful and delighted.

Yes, I share this sentiment often- and as always, I never tire of the things I see, smell and experience with nature.

Today is a lovely day!

so much intense energy in the air, that I must go and explore it.

I feel like a door has opened upon a universe that I knew existed, but had been locked and I was holding the wrong key.


I dreampt last night of a building, I was searching for the 4th floor.

In past dreams, I would end up on the 3rd floor, where the derrannged and disgusting elements of my life (now and past) existed. Often the thrid floor existed at the first house I rented (with first serious boyfriend) so many years ago. I dream about this house on occasion. Other times this "third floor" makes it way into unknown abodes.

In my need to get up the stairs of this extraordinarily enormous mansion, I found myself easily bypassing the third floor (despite some concern for someone finding me) and made it directly to the fourth.

The fourth led me to land in a room that felt like scaffolding, yet had windows. The view from the window was the most amazing and intense sight I had ever seen. It had the view as though from the Empire State building at night, yet with more detail and clarity.

The floor beneath my feet swayed, the view infront of me kept me focused and feeling safe. I was not concerned about the rocking floor- I was confident of being sure-footed.

elements of the job, co workers, past schooling, current people and experience infused itself into this dreamscape.

the overall feeling was very positive.


I definitely woke up on the right side of the bed.


Now its time to get outside and explore
I am just so excited today!!

glad to have (e:ladycroft) to join me today!

hmm, trying to find a new detox potion. WHat I have done in the past doesn't appeal to me. ANd I am curious to see if there are any decent detox mixture. By decent, I mean, tastes ok, will sustain me through the day and can be used in addition to some food, and doesn't last a long time. A week or so usually does it for me. i wouldnt mind a graduated plan, if I can find one. I used to fast for a better part of a week and then introduce only certain foods, but I am not sure if I can do it all day anymore and for so long. I was going alright until I returned home from work. Then I felt hungry.

I really want to kick start returning back to me- the me of a month ago--

anyone been through a good body detox- to get rid of all the holiday crap and feel better in general? suggestions?

That is my favorite qoute from last night :)

thanks, (e:leetee) I will be cracking up over that forever more ;)

long rambling post ahead. I call it my 'spaz' post. Writing about everything and not much of anything. Explaining a lot yet not really getting into detail or even explaing the story. However, I feel like writing for the sake of writing and to post a few shout outs.. Didnt have much energy to do anything besides peck at the computer keys. If it feels good, do it, right?

haha! I want to post about 2006 Year in review using the same format as last year (e:theecarey,75) . I used the drop down journal-find to "Jan 2006" and it pulled up an entry I didn't recognize having written. Yet there were some familiar elements that I certainly could have written given the context ie; losing post before publishing it, long time blogger via Live Journal (yep 2000 or 2001 as well), story writer (but lots of unfinished stuff), blah blah blah-- the primary give away (besides written voice)- "I'm the girlfriend of (e:zobar) " haha! So, my journal morphed with (e:dragonlady7,1) post and came up as though I wrote it. Then in the comment section there is one from (e:metalpeter) in response to what appears to be from my very first journal entry, (e:theecarey,1) I'll try to see if that happens again!

so before I get into my 2006/07 synopsis..

Happy New Year everyone!

and thank you Secret Santa- I had fn exchanging gifts with you!

Had lots of fun spending time with all of you!

The 'ball drop' at PMTs was great- who else had that?? For some reason we really needed a stuffed animal to go down for the ride. Gonzo nor any of his friends/lovers (e:theecarey,279) wasn't available, so Timika went into my room and selected among Hippo, Mad Cow and Poison Dart frogs. My stuffed purple hippo with his bugged out eyes enjoyed the face first ride down along with the glowing festive ball. Poor thing is probably still taped to the cord. Bonus: we could see the downtown fireworks from the coziness of the front porch. Very cool, indeed.

Getting ready for the party was fun- my hair in rollers, (e:terry) and (e:deeglam) creating oragami configuration/decorations on the floor of my room and (e:lilho) working on (e:ldaycroft) 's "patsy" make up.

Myself and (e:ladycroft) hung on to a bottle (or two) of champagne all night in spirit of our temporary alter egos, Patsy and Eddy of Absolutely Fabulous- and that we were, haha! Her hair was teased and laquered with AquaNet, sported some bright red lipstick, a dotted polyester dress and multiple pounds of jewlery completed her look. I packed on the makeup, teased the hair, threw on some red and purple plaid polyester hotness and even allowed an opportunity to bust out the boobs (a rare occurance) also a pair of heels and polished it off with a bottle of champagne. I couldn't quite get through two bottles, but it was sweet and bubbly yumminess.

A shout out must go to (e:soma) for spinning last night. Good stuff-- that is what my ears like to hear! wow- dancing through the night, (e:paul) 's office was the great booming discoteque Viscoteque!

(e:ladycroft) and I tend to come up with common themes of interest so it is natural for us to have similar themes to start off the new year. Last year, we chose to be "master of our domains" and for this year, we are going in with the attitude, "fuck that shit, its all about me". It is a heck of a lot deeper and profound than what those few words suggest but is is also just as superficial sounding. yup.

Ok, so before we move forward, it is necessary to see where we have been, yes?

Where were you when 2006 began?Who were you with?

well, (e:ladycroft) and I bought champagne and mini bottles of something or other with a high alcohol content. We started at my apartment and got silly and took lots of pictures. (e:theecarey,76) Eventually we left to go see a movie (with mini bottles in pockets), Fun with Dick and Jane, I think. We added our orange flavored vodka to a cup of Sprite, and it tasted just like Orange pop. Went down easy and so did (e:ladycroft) hahaha, I mean, she passed out asleep on the theater seats. Afterwards we made a pit stop at Dennys, to hang out with the post holiday drunkards and other "interesting characters"

post excerpt regarding that night:

Update: (e:ladycroft) and I had lunch at Spot earlier in the day. In discussing our options, which we both had a few interesting offers, we decided on staying close to home, well, my home anyways. We thought it to be fun to go to a late movie, imbibe a little before during and possibly after, get food.. go to Dennys! ..becuase that is just fitting, and whatever adventure materializes from that scenario.

She came over, we quickly consumed two bottles of champagne and proceeded to check out the local movie theater listing. While waiting to head out to the movies, we continued online, ended up at (e:strip) and ended up making a bunch of random comments. I apologize for the really stupid ones, lol. As she typed, I put in my two cents. It was funny, atleast at the time. Now I just shake my head.

Where will you be when 2006 ends? Whom will you be with when 2006 ends?

As I mentioned last year, I knew that I was not going to be going down town. I have been to First Night and have checked out the bars on Chippewa in the past, but it hasn't been my thing lately, especially in the cold and the over inflated cover charges. As there would be an (e:strip) party, that sealed my decision. All other options were dismissed (I write that as though there were many this year). Unlike last year (and most years) I was not invited to a party, nor had any formal "kiss me at midnight" invites (welll, a few inquiries). So I was with a bunch of wonderful people, friends new and old. This section of the survey should ask, "who will you be when 2006 ends?" which I would then write, "eddy". ha.
for some pictures of "patsy and Eddy":
(e:metalpeter,766)
(e:leetee,253)


Was 2006 a good year for you?

Yes, so many changes, transitions, ponderment and excitement. Some moments of confusion as well as clarity- tis life!

Jan/Feb/March: Learned a lot about friendships and relationships in these months. Still very open to feeling "human" despite the raw emotion that came with it. As much as I hated it at times, I relished the sense that I was "normal" and I wanted to hang on to that abilty..
Met a lot of new people and ran into a slew of old aquaintences, friendships made and friendships dissolved during that time.

April-August: Continued to work on friendships and letting people "in". Continued to air my thoughts on everything, as part of that trying to be more "open" life-exercise. Aimed for quality rather than quantity- sort of ended up on a self initiated reslationship hiatus. Hiked and played outside when I could- very busy full time work, full time school schedule. Most of the time went by in a blur as I was so busy with grad school and GRADUATING! WOO! Kinda missed out on a summer though, as I finished school AUgust 24- and it was all sorts of craziness up until that day.

September-Dec: Well, the craziness continues. I began a new job (same organization) in a position that seemingly would be what I went to school for. Im still on the fence about it. I don't want to lose all of what I know because I am not applying it. SO on the upside of that is that I have other projects that capture it. I'll figure out my next step in 2007- Need a better fit, better schedule. 'fuck that shit, its all about me'.

What was your favorite moment of the year?

• Walking across the stage for graduation (May).

(e:theecarey,163)
I never bothered to go to my other graduations. I hated the thought of going, but I knew my mom wanted to see me, so I went. It wasnt so bad, as Graduate programs are much smaller, especially at a private college. No way would i have gone to an undergrad graduation at UB, I have no regrets not going to that one, so many years ago. my mom, (e:pyrcedgrrl) and my neice attended.

• Speech I gave at last night of graduate school to my professor/ classmates (Aug 24). Last class!! Good stuff (e:theecarey,245)

• starting new job the day prior (Aug 23)

• super long excited chats about grad school, estrip, future direction of life stuff. I have a lot of energy and passion and tend to gravitate towards people of the same. It is exciting to get crazy hyped on ideas and things conquer and to be able to share them with another.

• dinners (and wine) with friends
  
• tea too.

NYC trip with (e:pyrcedgrrl)
for pics and story:
(e:theecarey,304)
(e:theecarey,307)

I am sure I am missing a bunch- will add throughout the week.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?

• my neice declining going to CLeveland Institute of Art even though she is mad talented and had a year or more paid for in scholarships etc. WOrse, leaving the area to go to a southern public university to be closer to the holy-rolling- brain washing-pull you down, smother you, side of her family. gah. ANd her not saying good-bye.

• a few other things that I try to find comic relief in. 'nuff said.

(sure I am missing a few here as well)

Did you keep your New Year resolutions of 2006?
Some of them. Well, I have never been one come up with things to 'resolve' as much as I have identified areas to pursue/learn/grow. It is good to find a starting point and January first of the new year seems to be as good as any other. In reflection of the past year, I realized that I began to retreat again- not as open as the beginning of the year started. I noticed this in looking back, thinking back over various activities, interaction and depth of (or lack ) of writing style/voice/output, etc. It wasnt a matter fo choice, I think it is just easy to go back to where you are comfortable and operate normally if there aren't external influences to question/probe your internal core-being. I exist primarily within myself. I need to work on being mushy again- its there, i know it is. I am an outgoing introvert.
Eating/exercise habits much much better, despite crazy schedule. Wel, not that I had been all that concerned with eating habits/physical activity in general, as I usually eat to feed my brain and maintain energy- and I prefer to be active. Its just that there wasa lot more time spent sitting due to school/studying in comparison to the past. Now with my new job, the job itself is a lot less phyically active. I squeek in physical activity when I can, but the past few weeks I have been more about couch potatoiness. December had been bad, and now I need to do somethig about it. I will start by doing what I can to detox my body- I feel so icky.


Did you fall in love in 2006?
yes, with my pocket pc. And champagne of the Asti variety.

Did you breakup with anyone in 2006?
I refused "relationship status", so there were no offical break ups.. perhaps a few "gotta let you go" moments
and a few that I am still shaking off..

Did you make any new friends in 2006?
Yep!

What was your favorite month of 2006?
July/August-- so much anticipation and excitment of things coming to a close and things beginning.

Did you travel outside of the US in 2006?
I just ventured to Canada

How many different states did you travel to in 2006?
I didn't. It was a mad busy year!

NYC count???? :)

Did you miss anybody in the past year?
yes- my neice and some friends I havent spoken to/hung out with in awhile. Especially those friends that we would have really intense conversations, I love that.


What was your favorite song from 2006?
Moby: "Extreme Ways", Moby: "Inside", Madonna: "Hung Up", Cranberries: "Dreams", Postal Service: "SLeeping In" oh and, (it has to be listed, even if it was a short lived obsession), Justin Timberlake's, "I'm bringing sexy back"

What was your favorite album from 2006?
Moby always comes out on top. Oh, Madonna's Confessions from a Dance Floor, and The Fray.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2006?
a few occasions, but not much. I had intentions to do so, but it never worked out that way. A few minor buzzes..

Did you do drugs in 2006?
should i answer that here? do herbs and spices count?

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
I gossiped more than I ever have to more people than I ever have. Some truths, some rants, some just letting off steam. Most I don't feel bad about, but some.. just a little bit.

What was the worst lie someone told you in 2006?
heh.
"you're my friend"

Did you treat somebody badly in 2006?
I am human, right? I don't think I am always on my best behavior. Although I KNOW my behavior was better than that of some others..
that happens, right? Its how you react to it..
and damn, sometimes its SO tempting to retaliate. heh.

Did somebody treat you badly in 2006?
does total lack of disregard count? then, yes..


What was your proudest moment of 2006?
keeping my cool on a few sensitive situations, rising above- keeping my head high, and GRADUATION!

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2006?
ahhh...

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change something, what would it be?
being more assertive at times. being more of a bitch.. less of the sweet balanced friendly girl that I am..

What are your plans for 2007?
shit, some of the same things from 2006..
No plans as of yet, but off the top of my head..

Figure out what I am doing with myself.

Do my laundry, take the coins that have built up in the washer out. (have I *still* not taken care of that???)

Expunge all that I do not need, want, use from my life. The garage and basement is in need of a major purging. (still needs it)

Reflect, learn, move on..

more 2007 specific agenda items..
Really go after what I want (Ive got an idea)

work on 2 specific projects that began more or less over the past 3-6 months. Make it big and have fun in the process.

feel more fulfilled/complete.. therefore, I must focus on me! and this is a very good thing..


Well, thats it for now. I have been sitting on the couch too long writing this, and I need to begin getting prepared for work in the morning. Not sure if I am ready for all that yet. I really liked having time off.

I also just finsihed watching "supersize me" on CBC, which I hadn't seen before now. Ugh. I felt gross just watching the documentary/movie. Espeically as I feel gross from all the junk I have been eating the past few weeks. Chinese, pizza, processed foods, holiday goodies, etc. YUCK! But once it is in your system, you begin to want it, need it, even.. So I need to go through another detox of the sort. I don't fast.. but I just eat a few select items and drink a lot of teas and fluids for about a week. I would like to have a concoction that I knew would really help. I want to kick start this process- and return to normal as soon as possible. A few weeks of damage needs to be taken care of. Guh, all that salt from the processed foods has made me feel so gross.

atleast I havent been eating 3 weeks of McDonalds...

"fuck that shit, its all about me!"


'bout damn time!

shitshitshit

i think my laptop took a shit.

it was on, i was on it working away, then it just went black.. and cold. I could feel its lifeless body cool down quickly. It registers power.. but does nothing in response to pressing buttons, trying ot turn it on.

shitshitshit

now what?!?!?!


I am on my 8 year old desktop, this bites.