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Last Visit 2021-12-08 12:43:43 |Start Date 2005-08-29 22:47:44 |Comments 1,653 |Entries 694 |Images 1,640 |Videos 37 |Mobl 37 |

Category: nature

11/25/06 04:52 - ID#36094

fresh air

wow, what a nice day outside.

I trekked down to Fort Niagara- the earthy smell of grass, dirt and leaves was highly pleasing. I took deep breaths, the air feeling mild and cool at the same time.

Boaters took advantage of the gorgeous day. The water of the Niagara River was very calm. Lake Ontario boasted more ripples, but it too was calm.

A few people out skipping stones, riding their bikes, walking their dogs, jogging, boating, holding hands, sitting on picnic tables looking out at the water. One person read while sitting on a blanket spread out on the ground; I liked that. I want to have a fall picnic now.

All these activities that people are doing today, on such a traditionally nice autumn day, are things that I will do all year long. Although I can never quite talk anyone into my mid-winter picnics or camping ::)

I took just a few pictures with my pocket pc. I wanted to bring a camera with me- however my old camera is structurally frozen- can't get parts to move(I wonder if I can take it apart?) and my new camera need the batteries to charge-- which is an all day affair first time around.

It was super bright with that sunshine.. the water was ablaze..




simple piece of wood endlessly amuses me..


Now it is time to find some food before heading back into Buffalo. I want to spend time reading and maybe writing. I enjoyed my snuggly chair at Starbucks last weekend, so I may opt for a return trip. Maybe I can get one next to the fireplace OOooOooooh nice.

Then a movie later- right? Right.

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Permalink: fresh_air.html
Words: 287
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: holiday

11/23/06 01:21 - ID#36093

glutton day

Stopped at Tops this evening to buy a few things for Thanksgiving dinner. As it will be just my mother and myself, we do not need much. I am very easy to please on Thanksgiving. I just need one turkey, a giant vat of real mashed potatoes and an equal portion of gravy. My mother is a vegetarian, so I seriously have a turkey to do as my carnivorous desires take me.

oh, and 'yoga pants'--(girly sweat pants) You know you'll be busting out the Zuba's Mwhahahahahahah

and maybe some apple pie.

and if there happens to be anything else, I will eat that too. My standards are simple, like I said.

If it were ever formal and dress-up that would not be my thing. I am more apt to want to relax, eat, and sleep on thanksgiving. Ooh, veg in front of the fire.. nice..

I wandered down an aisle that had a display of winter items. I happened to notice that salt you put down to melt snow and ice with is the same that you make ice cream with. This disturbs me, i think..



Tops did not carry tofurkey that I saw, so I picked up Quarn turkey. I like their products so far, so this might be good? Not sure if my mom will go for it. I just thought I would buy and prepare it to be nice-- and to make sure she doesn't get any ideas about touching my turkey.

kidding-- i am not that posessive over it

  • growls*

semi itinerary for turkey-day:


do my dishes. icky

go for hike/walk-- especially if it is sunny



engage in global domination activities

eat some more


Anyone check out the stars toightz? its super clear out there!

My new user pic was selected in honor of Thanksgiving.

be safe.. be well.. be thankful for elastic waistbands :)

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Permalink: glutton_day.html
Words: 322
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: simplicity

11/21/06 10:58 - ID#36092

such a tea-se

I am writng about tea. Simple, hum-drum, non risque. I'll do better next time ;) SO what brings me to write about tea? Well, I could write about the trouble I am causing at work (delish) or the french speaking sexy moroccan man that I have been flirting with (more delish)- or any other number of observations, musings and sources of scandel- but no, tonight I write about tea (thats delish too). My creativity has been on hiatus- soon to return; I will make sure of it. I write whatever (obviously) pretty much to keep my mental muscles warm. Besides, its a habit. 22 years worth of "journaling".

so, tea. I love tea. I drink all kinds. I have been going through a lot lately- tea bags, loose teass, green, black, red, sea anenomes, infusions, whatever. I drink it for caffeine, I drink it to keep warm, I drink it to help me sleep, I drink it to keep me hydrated. Sometimes i drink it to give me crazy dreams. (watch out for those "sleep aide" varieties, especially from Yogi brand)

for a legal warped state of unconsciousness, try:

I stopped at the Lexington Co-op before turning in for the evening. I wanted to grab some apples and a box of tea. I couldn't remember what stash I had left in my B-lo home. On a side note, I also bought a small bag of "papaya spears". They are not fabulous at all- I found these ones very unenjoyable to gnaw on. (e:PMT) you are welcome to them!--you know where my snacky stash is--

My apple was good, crispy and juicy, though!

I looked at the shelves of tea boxes up and down, looking for a little something different. A big mug of steaming tea while curled up at my desk this evening seemed to be my deciding factor for selecting a decaf variety.

I spied with my tea roving eyes a variety of holiday themed flavors from Celestial Seasoning. That usually wouldnt intrigue me, but at $1.99 a box, I went in for a closer look.

It smells and tastes better than it looks:

"sugar plum spice"

Hibiscus, roasted barley, chicory, rosehips, chamomile, natural plum, cinnamon, ginger, roasted carob and cardamom.

Its sweet.

and its pretty yummy. Caffeine free for night time tea drinking.

I never add anything to my tea. I used to add honey and occasionally milk, but then I found it too much of an effort and eventually began drinking it plain--for a couple of years now.

Lazy is not always a bad thing!

(its only bad when you start throwing out dirty dishes because it sucks to wash them by hand. *I'd* never do that..)

My eye then wandered to another box of tea- yerbe mate variety. mmmm Mate Chocolatte.

"a blissful, sweet blend of yerba mate, cocoa and spices"

oh, and "naturally caffeinated"

um, yeh, I was sold. I do believe I look forward to that in the morning! Betta be good!


Ahh, my hot tea has eventually turned into iced tea. I should be drinking this in front of the fire...and I should be getting royalties from this post ;)

time to relax--
be well,stay warm, peeps!

turkey (tofurkey?) day is drawing near!

good night..

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Permalink: such_a_tea_se.html
Words: 549
Location: Youngstown, NY

11/21/06 12:46 - 33ºF - ID#36091

my little man

I am fatigued and in need of sleep, which will occur shortly, but first I needed to recap the day.

It felt like a long drawn out work day- no breaks, no lunch, just busy humdrum-- the usual. I wont re hash the details as I want to purge my mind of most of the day.

I do not work directly with the children any longer. ((I am in administration- and I juggle a lot of stuff. I am in the process of hiring a supervisor --to better equip and support the program that is being rebuilt. One day i will explain more of what I do..))

OK, so I don't work with the kiddos directly- I do see them-- but from a distance. Some continue to say hi to me, and that always puts a smile on my face. One child who is very dear to me, I try to sneak in to see him. One of the employees in that classroom also work for me, so I make an excuse to go in and speak with her, all the while saying hello to my 'little man'.

He's tough, anyone who knows him understands that he and I went through a lot together. We have a bond and its pretty cool to see that it still exists.

I was walking down the hall at the time that he was. He had two staff members walking with him to his bus, one on either side of him. As I was walking toward him- to walk past him (it isn't really 'appropriate' for me to be involved any longer, meh), I glanced in his direction. He had already been looking at me-- and took that as a que to reach out for me. He got the biggest smile on his face (I am sure my smile was already there) and he grabbed my hand and tried to vocalize something. I lowered my face to his and told him how proud I am of him and that I hope to visit him in his classroom soon. I had "business" to attend to-- that needed my immediate attention so I had to be quick. He did not want to let go of my hand and tried to pull me with him to the bus. The staff asked if he was holding on, and I said yes. They were surprised. As I said, he and I have a bond. And when he said, 'don't go' and they were astonished even more. And I didn't want to go..

but I did.

I felt mildly sad.. to not be able to give him my time.

but a stong sense of happy won out on that one. He made eye contact, looked for my acknowledgement, sought my hand and my words and wanted me to go with him.. after time apart, this continues.

That is the pay off of hard work on both of our efforts.

And so I zipped down the hall to take care of 'urgent business'

wondering and trying to see/feel that sense of accomplishment and pride in what I do now.

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Permalink: my_little_man.html
Words: 519
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: mental sloughing

11/19/06 11:16 - 34ºF - ID#36090

surgeon generals warning

funny how love works. or doesn't work.

the things you learn about yourself

the things you unlearn

it all seems so grand, yet it is all so basic.

for some its easy

for others its hard

some people want it, but don't get it

others get too much of it, but don't want it-


they really are a driving force. even if you have them locked and well guarded.. they are still there.

and when they break out of their cell, it is mayhem--and control is lost...

is this the result of answering old questions,

or answering new ones?

I do not know.

I do reccommend tossing the key and seeing what happens-- the good, the bad, the ugly-- it is a part of the sensual life. Without it, it is all mechanical- easy, contolled and safe.

now if I would just follow my own advice, yes?

btw, thanks for sharing:?

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Permalink: surgeon_generals_warning.html
Words: 152
Location: Youngstown, NY

11/19/06 07:10 - 36ºF - ID#36089


(had to publish and run earlier, if anyone noticed that this was just lniks in the post)

I was going through you tube videos and found this. Surprised that I hadn't seen anything about this yet.


full length YouTube video (7 minutes):

written account with video:

from msnbc- folllow links..

sn excerpt from a UCLA student blog who was there:

Apparently when the campus security asked Mustafa for his ID he refused to show it to them. One witness said that he said it was in his wallet, but he didn't want to show it to the security guard. The security gaurd asks him to leave, as it is policy that anyone without a student ID card may not be in the library after 11 pm. Mustafa refuses. The campus security leaves to go get UCPD (on campus police). During this time, Mustafa decides to leave the library. He packs up his things and begins to head for the door. He is approached by UCPD, who grab his arm because they don't want him to leave (I guess they wanted to question why he was refusing to show his ID). Mustafa asks the police not to touch him. At this point no one is screaming/getting the shit tased out of them. The police insist on escorting him out of the building when Mustafa goes limp in resistence.

The police threaten him a couple times I guess. He yells "get the fuck off of me" and "I'm leaving!". This is when he gets tased.

....He gets hit with the taser again...and again....and again...and again. At this point the students in the library begin to become upset. One girl asked the officer for his name and badge number AND HE THREATENED TO TASER HER. The police were pointing the taser at concerned bystanders and threatening to taser them. Several people I've talked to can account for this. They were making these threats after Mustafa had been tased at least 3 times and after he had been put in handcuffs and was lying on the floor like a puddle of goo.

abuse of power?

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Permalink: WTF_UCPD_.html
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Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: potpourri

11/18/06 11:15 - 40ºF - ID#36088

(e:pyrcedgrrl) failed to post on estrip about this, so I must take it upon myself to do so :)


I wanted something sweet, so I bought a package of break and bake cookies. I burned them, well, over cooked them. I do not like crunchy cookies, so I had to toss them. Oh, well. I am sure there will be other opportunities to munch in the future.



I am working on multiple resumes. Actually, I keep getting side tracked at looking at various job postings on I have been humoring myself looking at companies in NYC.


The resume part is challenging for me, as I want to get away from what I have been doing for so many years. Its time to switch things up a bit. So I have to focus on things other than the field and positions I have held. Lets see what I come up with. I may need something dfferent just so I have more time to focus on building a business. I have been working on one project on and off for awhile.. now something else has landed in my path and I am very curious about it. So I am doing research on that as well. and networking and picking peoples brains.

very cool.

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Permalink: HarryCookieMonster_com.html
Words: 225
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: silliness

11/17/06 10:30 - 38ºF - ID#36087

you like it feisty

I've tried numerous times today to bitch about radio music.

p:mobl was a p:ain in my ass today. My pocket PC has been loading my post since 11:30 this morning.

Since it continues to annoy the hell out of me, even though I have since turned off the radio, I will share my annual pet peeve.


I havent even had my annual plate of gutton yet, and those tunes are already felizFNnavading all over the air airwaves?

I happened to have a few appointments this morning: oral violations, on again off again addictions to attend to, my weekly ass ramming (see below) and bi-weekly dignity deposit

(read: teeth cleaning, Tim Hortons, Tank fill-up and its Payday!)

feelin' fine, feelin' feisty, feelin' its finally friday

yeh, ok. So this morning I don't feel like tuning my iPod to a fuzzy station on the car radio. I knew I would be in and out of my car (and hence packing up the iPod everytime I got out) before I hit the highway for any length of time, so I decide to try something new: I'd listen to the radio inbetween errands. Curious that maybe I would find something new and interesting to listen to, I was feeling hopeful-- kept on pressing the "seek" button--

feeling hopeful until I heard multiple stations with CHRISTMAS music.

AHHHHHHHHHH WTF?!?????!!!!!!!!!!!

well, that had to go. A little premature for that, hmm?

Not to forget the slew of christmas/christmas themed movies and television shows on the 25" brainsuckingmediabox this evening.

Moral of this post?

Stick to iPod

stick to porn.

just don't stick to your iPod.

happy friday, kiddies ;)

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Permalink: you_like_it_feisty.html
Words: 285
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: reflection

11/15/06 09:35 - 45ºF - ID#36086

I am not where I should be

If (e:ladycroft) 's post was the thesis to feeling good about the position you are in, then my post is the antithesis. I had to take a play on her post title, as this accurately summarizes the my thoughts as of late.

I read her post via cellphone while on my lunch. It made me smile to see that one of my friends is in a good spot right now. I am sooo thrilled! I am excited for you- it sounds like you are exactly where you should be. The whole universe is conspiring for you. I look forward to hearing all about it one day soon! YAY!! :)

I take an almost perverse delight in experiencing something uncomfortable. It makes me confront the situation and the reasons behind it. There is some excitement in this process despite the dissonance, aggrivation and annoyances.

I am not unhappy. I look for everyday experiences to contribute to my sense of happiness. This has more to do with the effects on my core-being. I have to dig deep to uncover the source of my dissonance and know that there is validity to it.

My job is fine. I am good at it and I can only get better. I am part of something big. I am paid a respectable salary. It is a management position and is dynamic. I am surrounded by old friends (from old department I worked in prior to this new position). I have loads of paid time off and great benefits. And I am grateful for all of this.

So why am I not where I should be?

especially when others would give anything to be in my position?

I have put a lot of thought into this- a thought that has been building for quite some time now. However, it was using the last two weekends -- weekend #1 to quietly think it through and weekend #2 to verbally express/share my thoughts (thats not easy for me) and then to begin acting on thoughts/ shared information. This week and into the weekend- weekend #3, will be a culmunation of doing/saying things to validate those thoughts, perceptions and actions. --sorry I havent been around/available much- -but I feel something big-bigger, is in my future and I need to figure some of this stuff out NOW. and I am conscientious enough to get a really good understanding of all of what is going on.

I think out side the box, I question the status qou, I scoff at mundane details. I get bored easily. I have so much mental energy, that it is hard to restrain it. Yet in this position, it is on a tight leash. This is better suited for someone who feels comfortable operating within predetermined constaints. Parameters are set- you must operate within boundaries. No risks allowed. I was fooled into thinking I had the freedom to think. Instead, I liken it to a dog on a farm with an 'invisable fence'. You can see what is in the distance, but you aren't allowed to get to it.

Now, standardization and procedures have their place- we need some regulation and conformity, however, when I feel like I should check to see if there is a Standard Operating Procedure for wiping my ass, I know that I am very close to creative amputation.

I thought I could salvage my creativity, energy and passion into some life-work balancing activity/project-- but I found myself not able to switch gears. It is as though my mental flexibility turned rigid- only capable of thinking in the same neural pathway as set forth by the work environment.

and that scared (scares) me. Yay, I am beginning to talk past-tense. Hence my need for the multi-weekend mental sabbaticals.

It doesn't look as bad as it sounds. It is hectic, chaotic, multi dimensional and even interesting (things that I love)-- but I feel like my wings got clipped. And thats more a reflection on my personal attributes and strengths than anything. I could proffessionally grow into this job, but I would be personally stunted.

again, I am good at it, I get things done, I have areas to tweak, but soon even that will be taken care of.

Fortunately and gratefully, I have the freedom to decide that "this is not where I should be". I do not have any major responsibilities other than those that pertain to maintaining an apartment(s) and paying back student loans. I do not have outstanding credit of any kind. I do not have kids and the financial mess that comes with that, I do not have car payments or needy family/friends. Everything is cool.

I could do this job for a long as I had to. But since I don't Have to, why not take the risk to pursue something that is me. Companies need people like me-- companies also need people who aren't me. I just need to pair myself with somehtig more suitable. I like the unknown, I like trying something new, I am not afraid of failing by doing, I am afraid of failing by not doing- not trying something- by accppting the notion that, 'this is as good as it gets'.

It takes a strong person to go after what you want, to figure out what it is, and to take off in that direction especially if there is resistance. You learn to behave, think and act in a certain manner. Well, I always encourage that you unlearn. I also scoff at societal expectations. I don't label myself a non-conformist, but some of my thoughts/behaviors are in line with that. heh, I don't conform to non conformity-- but I digress.

I wouldnt put as much thought and effort into any of this if I felt that I am where I should be at. It is through all of my thought and discussions that I have come to realize that these past few months aren't a "growing pain" of learning a new job, its simply not me.

The best parts of me on this job are the parts that require decisive action, picking though the mess, inspiring others, questioning authority and rebuilding a part of the company that has been a total mess.

Abused employees have been warming up and trusting me. I do not want to leave them hanging-- they need to know that this rollercoaster ride is going somewhere great. And so, I work to empower them to have the voice and behaviors needed to go in the direction that they want that part of the company to go. Let me guide and then let go..

ofcourse I could list off all of the mundane and ridiculous elements- but I do not want to perseverate on the negative. I want to focus on the future and finding the place that I should be. Finding myself again, "in my element" and thats an awesome place to be.

so with my greatest affection, I am very pleased with (e:ladycroft) s post. Finding a part of you that fits really well somewhere is part of the excavation of life and personal contentment.

(deja vous--- been having that a lot lately.)

and so, although I am quite certain that I know that I am not where I should be..

I am quite uncertain of where I should be heading..

guess that is what weekend #4 is for?

and continued bits if thoughts, experience and advice from family-friends...

good night

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Permalink: I_am_not_where_I_should_be.html
Words: 1247
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: yuck

11/13/06 10:50 - 43ºF - ID#36085

of mice and scaredy cats


I think I have a mouse in the house.

Not running free through the apartment, but quite possibly in the walls or in the attic-- ew oh jeez- maybe both.


and maybe it is something creepier than that!

All I know is that I heard something scratching at the wall in my bedroom while I was trying to sleep. Thinking that maybe my cat was trying to catch a little bug or dust bunny, I tried to ignore it. I continued to hear this scratching sound coming from above. In the darkness, I could make out my cat sitting on my dresser, staring at something. I decided to turn on the bedroom light to make sure it wasnt something super creepy dangling over my head.

I didn't see anything.

But I still heard the scratching-- and it wasnt the cat.

UGH. I don't know what it is, but I know that I AM NOT going to go and investigate it myself.

My apartment is very 'solid'. I don't know how whatever it is got in. And whatever it is should figure how to get back out.

Whatever it is, just wants to be warm. However, I care not to make a snuggly home for unknown creatures.

I am sleeping on the couch tonoght, as I can't bear to be up all night thinking about some creepy thing lurking in my walls.-- that and the fact that I am such a light sleeper, that any noise will wake me/keep me awake.

I know that I have had atleast one small (almost cute) mouse per autumn. Just one. And my cat does nothing to help me out. Just torments the hell out of it, and leaves it shaking and soggy of cat saliva.

I think its a mouse.. I thnink its a small almost cute mousey.

time to call the landlord..? I am such a scaredy cat.

good night.
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Permalink: of_mice_and_scaredy_cats.html
Words: 321
Location: Youngstown, NY



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