Category: *ass*ets

06/29/07 03:44 - 75ºF - ID#39848

Farmers in Spain

This man has clearly not seen a woman in a long ass time (pun intended):

Taken from a story in the NYT about the Spanish Countryside bussing in women from Madrid for marriage to farmers.

Permalink: Farmers_in_Spain.html
Words: 37
Location: Jersey City, NJ

Category: nasa

06/29/07 02:02 - 71ºF - ID#39845

Astronaut did NOT wear diapers

Apparently the astronaut who was all cra-gee and drove 950 miles to confront her ex lovers current GF is now claiming she was NOT wearing diapers at her time of arrest. Why did she wait until now to dispute that part of the story? Did she miss the part where it was all over the news for days? I mean either she was or wasn't. I think the cre-gee wore off, her drugs are kicking in and she is now a little embarassed.

Lesson learned: Don't wear adult diapers to confront a romantic rival if you don't want it all over the news (and then featured in an episode of Law & Order).

Permalink: Astronaut_did_NOT_wear_diapers.html
Words: 114
Location: Jersey City, NJ

06/28/07 05:14 - ID#39839

Breaking News

My boss has offered her milage to me for a plane ticket as a "thank you". There are strings attached. I have to use it to visit my mom. I'm not thrilled about the last part, but I mean I have to go visit her anyways right? What better way to arrive than first class. I haven't flown first class since I was like 9 years old. I miss it.

Permalink: Breaking_News.html
Words: 69
Location: Jersey City, NJ

06/28/07 04:02 - 81ºF - ID#39838

Yesterday

Yesterday I had a super annoying day. Or at least it started off that way. I got up, late as usual and rushed to get ready. I got to the train and was super crowded and my $100 Bose ear buds were (are) crapping out after less than a year in use. Then I got to the subway and I put in $20 to refill my metro card and the f'ing machine ate my $20. I'm so fed up with the MTA. All they want to do is increase rates and decrease service. I decided to boycott the MTA for the day. They will not be getting any more of my hard earned dollars. I made the choice to walk from 57th to 33rd on my way home.

At 5:30pm promptly I leave my office and walk out into the swealtering NYC heat with like a million other people because there's also been ANOTHER power outtage thanks to f'ing ConEd (who also likes to raise rates and provide shitty service) and the trains are all jacked up along with the buses, so everyone is walking. So there I am walking down 6th Avenue, cursing everyone and right in front of me like a breath of fresh air appears Mr. Anderson Cooper. And out loud I said "Anderson Cooper, check". Apparently he's now been crossed off my "celebs to see" list. And Just like that my day was better.

Lesson of the story: seeing a celeb on the street makes everything better.

Permalink: Yesterday.html
Words: 248
Location: Jersey City, NJ

Category: friends are rad

06/22/07 04:13 - 69ºF - ID#39771

The cold war is over

I have to say no matter how many times me and Paulie swear we think the other person is a total jerk we always end up friends again.

So in the famous words of the Golden Girls (how many times have you been waiting for JUST the right time to quote the Golden Girls):

"Thank you for being a friend".

Permalink: The_cold_war_is_over.html
Words: 60
Location: Jersey City, NJ

06/15/07 11:22 - 70ºF - ID#39673

Tetanus

On Wednesday I got a tetanus shot from the best and also most hot doctor ever. He neglected to mention that for days after the shot my arm would feel like I was stung by a bee then punched repeatedly on the same arm by a burly man.

Ouch!!

I also got my first EKG ever. It made me kinda nervous. The instructions were "do not move, don't even wiggle your fingers or toes". Then they turned on the machine and I started seeing stars. It was really weird.

Turns out I'm in tip top health, minus the whole loosing weight issue I'm having.

I get to see him again next week. I'm pretty excited.

Permalink: Tetanus.html
Words: 115
Location: Jersey City, NJ

Category: colbert

06/12/07 10:23 - 69ºF - ID#39627

The Day All My Dreams Were Realized

At first I was going to write a long post about how Colbert was AWESOME AWESOME T-O-T-A-L-L-Y. Then I was going to write a long descriptive post about how Colbert did a jaunty little jump off the stage that made my heart flutter. And I was going to finish things up with a reenactment of his lip-synching of Mika's Grace Kelly song (which made me swoon). But instead I'm going to post a picture, because it's worth a thousand words.

Permalink: The_Day_All_My_Dreams_Were_Realized.html
Words: 82
Location: Jersey City, NJ

Category: colbert report

06/11/07 10:05 - 65ºF - ID#39604

The day has arrived

The best day of my life has arrived. Or actually the best day of my week has arrived. Today is the day I will get to drool over Mr. Steven "American Patroit" Colbert live and in person.

Permalink: The_day_has_arrived.html
Words: 37
Location: Jersey City, NJ

Category: scary

06/05/07 02:25 - 55ºF - ID#39533

Elevator

So I know I never update my blog anymore and I suck. I'm just too damn lazy I suppose. I also have a million pictures on my camera I need to post. Someday I'll get to it. In the meantime I figured I'd post about this morning since basically my biggest fear in life happened.

As per my regular schedule I woke up, got dressed and all of that. In the process I changed purses to accomidate my outfit choice. When changing purses I saw my little bottle of Zanax and decided not to pop it in my purse. Yeah, huge mistake.

Off to work I go and I arrive at my building semi-on time, all in one piece. My office is on the 34th floor and I'm not really in the mood to climb 34 flights at 9am so I hop on the elevator with a random group of people. The doors close and all is well. That is until we hit the 27th floor. We hit 27, drop a floor and the lights go off and the elevator stops.

As one can imagine this is the point at which I turn pretty much into a crazy person. I ripped off my suit coat, drop my bag and ipod and announce to the entire elevator I'm about to have a panic attack and can someone talk to me. You see I've envisioned this type of situation happening in detail. I didn't quite anticipate the dropping elevator, that was an added bonus. In these imagined scenarios talking to someone is what I feel like would calm me down. That and Zanax. So then this older gentleman and lady start to talk to me. She offers me her water, which she had already drank out of, but when you're on the verge of freaking out oral diseases are the last thing you're worried about. Then the elevator mechanic gets on the speaker and let's us know its going to be 20 mins till he can get us. Seriously I couldn't believe that I was stuck on an elevator that had dropped. We got out safe and sound, but holy shit am I freaked the fuck out. I walked from the 27th to the 34th floor.

Moral of the story:
Elevators are scary places- don't get on one without Zanax.

Permalink: Elevator.html
Words: 385
Location: Jersey City, NJ

Category: work

05/11/07 04:18 - 53ºF - ID#39239

I feel dirty

and not in the good christina agulera way.

So there's a gentleman who works in my office who has always flirted with me. And me being me I encouraged it and flirted back. This has turned out to be a huge mistake. He just came up to my desk and basically proposed having an affair. I kid you not. Right at my desk in the open.

Key points of the conversation:

"oh I like to be on top of something and I wasn't referring to the office"
"can you keep a secret?"
"too bad I didn't take the opportunity to take out you and your sister in vegas, because you know what happens there stays there"
"is your sister wild?"
"are you as wild as her?"
"this is all about keeping a secret"
"we should get together, but you know we have to keep it a secret"
"can jessica keep a secret?"

The entire time he was sucking on a hard candy in a suggestive manner. I seriously can't believe that just happened. And just for the record I will not be having a secret affair with this 50+ yr old gentleman. In case there was any question about that.