At first I was going to write a long post about how Colbert was AWESOME AWESOME T-O-T-A-L-L-Y. Then I was going to write a long descriptive post about how Colbert did a jaunty little jump off the stage that made my heart flutter. And I was going to finish things up with a reenactment of his lip-synching of Mika's Grace Kelly song (which made me swoon). But instead I'm going to post a picture, because it's worth a thousand words.

The best day of my life has arrived. Or actually the best day of my week has arrived. Today is the day I will get to drool over Mr. Steven "American Patroit" Colbert live and in person.

So I know I never update my blog anymore and I suck. I'm just too damn lazy I suppose. I also have a million pictures on my camera I need to post. Someday I'll get to it. In the meantime I figured I'd post about this morning since basically my biggest fear in life happened.

As per my regular schedule I woke up, got dressed and all of that. In the process I changed purses to accomidate my outfit choice. When changing purses I saw my little bottle of Zanax and decided not to pop it in my purse. Yeah, huge mistake.

Off to work I go and I arrive at my building semi-on time, all in one piece. My office is on the 34th floor and I'm not really in the mood to climb 34 flights at 9am so I hop on the elevator with a random group of people. The doors close and all is well. That is until we hit the 27th floor. We hit 27, drop a floor and the lights go off and the elevator stops.

As one can imagine this is the point at which I turn pretty much into a crazy person. I ripped off my suit coat, drop my bag and ipod and announce to the entire elevator I'm about to have a panic attack and can someone talk to me. You see I've envisioned this type of situation happening in detail. I didn't quite anticipate the dropping elevator, that was an added bonus. In these imagined scenarios talking to someone is what I feel like would calm me down. That and Zanax. So then this older gentleman and lady start to talk to me. She offers me her water, which she had already drank out of, but when you're on the verge of freaking out oral diseases are the last thing you're worried about. Then the elevator mechanic gets on the speaker and let's us know its going to be 20 mins till he can get us. Seriously I couldn't believe that I was stuck on an elevator that had dropped. We got out safe and sound, but holy shit am I freaked the fuck out. I walked from the 27th to the 34th floor.

Moral of the story:
Elevators are scary places- don't get on one without Zanax.

and not in the good christina agulera way.

So there's a gentleman who works in my office who has always flirted with me. And me being me I encouraged it and flirted back. This has turned out to be a huge mistake. He just came up to my desk and basically proposed having an affair. I kid you not. Right at my desk in the open.

Key points of the conversation:

"oh I like to be on top of something and I wasn't referring to the office"
"can you keep a secret?"
"too bad I didn't take the opportunity to take out you and your sister in vegas, because you know what happens there stays there"
"is your sister wild?"
"are you as wild as her?"
"this is all about keeping a secret"
"we should get together, but you know we have to keep it a secret"
"can jessica keep a secret?"

The entire time he was sucking on a hard candy in a suggestive manner. I seriously can't believe that just happened. And just for the record I will not be having a secret affair with this 50+ yr old gentleman. In case there was any question about that.

If you do not enjoy giving blowjobs please refer to the following article:

On Friday 4/20, a national holiday to some, I went out to celebrate. Actually I wasn't really celebrating, I just got invited along to dinner, a free dinner. Which for me is reason enough to celebrate.

First we waited 20 mins for the bus. I'm not really a bus fan. I have no idea where it goes, what it does, and what all those letters and numbers mean. M-20, Limited X-52, blah blah. Anyways the bus never came and I managed to snag us a cab. This in and of itself was a small miracle considering midtown on a Friday night. First stop Olives at the W Union Square for a pre-dinner drink. I ordered limoncello and soda. Delicious is the only way to describe this. That is until I found out that it's in no way similar to vodka and has a million calories. Then off to the main event:

Pure Food and Wine . I wasn't aware of where we were dinning. If I had known I probably would have made a stink. I'm highly suspicious of anyone who doesn't think their food needs to be heated to anything more than 118 degrees. Boy was I wrong. The food was amazing. Sadly I'll never go there again because amazing=costs an arm and a leg. Below is a pictorial journey of my dinner (the chef's tasting menu).

















Then we headed off the the newly remodeled Grammercy Park Hotel . At first we couldn't figure out what side of the park it was on. So we stopped this guy and asked him. He just walked away. Not even an acknowledgement of us speaking to him. So while he was still in ear shot I called him a douchebag in a blazer and my wonderful friend chimed in with ahole. To my amazement he turned around and then gave us directions. Hmm, maybe calling people douchebags is actually a good thing- it got results. Anyways we get to the bar and it was breathtaking. I'd show pictures, but I got the smackdown after taking one:



I wanted to show the insane prices of the drinks ($20+). But apparently they don't want people stealing their high priced drink ideas. In the end I'd sell my first born to stay there for a week or two. Since I don't even have a boyfriend to produce a child with I'll be bitter and say the hotel was full of Eurotrash and no real new yorker would go there...

Ok so I know I havent posted in ages. Please note if you've bitched to me about this I've taken your complaints and they are noted. With that said, don't complain to me again or you'll get a "fuck off" or some version of that.

Now on to the greatest moment of 2007. I know there have been a lot of great moments in 2007. You may even believe you may have been part of one of those greatest moments (yes, this is referring to you carolyn). But let me just say no. My greatest moment just happened:



That's right bitches 4 sweet, sweet tickets to see Mr. Steven Colbert.

This is probably a little known fact about me. I'm in love with his smarmy hotness. Every night when I watch The Colbert Report I alternate between getting wet and wanting to die of laughter. I'm actually getting excited right now just thinking about watching the show tonight.

So yes, it took Mr. Colbert to get me back into blog mode. Thank you Mr. Colbert, thank you.

I've been on a huge documentary kick lately and last night I decided to watch Jesus Camp. Ok everyone has to see this movie. It's NUTS.

I grew up in an evangelical christian home, so I guess it never hit me just how scary it really is. So the point of the film is it follows some little kids to this Jesus camp. This woman runs the camp and is clearly trying to use these kids as substitutes for the kids she'll never have because she is like 350lbs and clearly a lesbian. The film opens as she is chastising the world and FAT people who sit by and let the devil do his work. I found this a little ironic.

Then we cut to this woman who home schools her two kids. They are talking about how silly all this liberal environmentalism is. WTF?! Really Jesus is telling you fuck up the planet because you are a christian? This sounds preposterous, but this is really what they believe. It has to do with the rapture and they won't be here long anyways so fucking up the earth is not really that big of a deal. Then they all had a good laugh.

Back to bible camp- all this junk is being forced fed to these poor kids. they are told they are sinners and how sin is going to ruin there lives. you know at 6 yrs old if some scary lady was telling me this crap and my mom and dad were agreeing I'd buy into their propaganda too.

So bible camp wraps up with: A LIFE SIZE CUT OUT OF GW. I kid you not. he has two flags behind him. oh and they say the pledge, but not the one you're thinking. apparently christinas have their own version of the pledge. then they say a warfare prayer over him. everyone gets nuts over how great GW is. I've never seen so many people love him before. seriously.

I know you're thinking how can this movie get any better, but it so does. One of the kids goes to TED HAGGERT's church. That would be the same Ted Haggert who is not gay and also not a crack addict. He just does it sometimes in certain circumstances. This was before then whole scandal (obviously). I just found it again ironic that this man is sitting up there judging and preaching damnation and hell fire when he's getting blowies and smoking the pipe.

In conclusion, see this movie.

I was cleaning out pictures on my camera and found this. I love finding fun pictures that you didn't take.

When I was younger I always imagined 30 as being so grown up. I'd have matching furniture, a headboard for my bed, and I'd have all sorts of adult like things going on.

Then I turned 30. I found out that 30 year olds (or at least the ones I know) don't actually have matching furniture and for the most part we are just older versions of out 25 yr ourselves. That and no one I know has a headboard.

The point of this is I'm going on vacation next week. The best friends vacation. I bought the ticket from NYC to San Fran and then a ticket from Phoenix to NYC. Mainly because I got sweet deals on the tickets. Then all I needed was to get from San Fran to Phoenix. Well that ticket was $150, and I didn't enjoy that price. So everyday I'd log onto Southwest and look at the price, then look at my meager bank account, then look at the price. I mean I need beer money for vacation, right? So I called my mom and was like "hi mom guess what I need?" Her response was "Why doesn't Jessica buy the ticket?" My reply was "Do you mean Paul?" Her "No I meant Jessica". Then silence. I pulled the "but i live in nyc" and she said "no you live in jersey city". More silence followed by "fine here is my credit card number". Score. I really didn't plan to be 30 and still have my mom buying me things, but it's so nice when she does.

Also I got a geography lesson. LA is no where near San Fran. Who knew? On the map they look close. My mom and Paul were equally disgusted when I said I thought they looked close. If you had told either one of them in 1995 they'd agree on anything they would have never believed it.