If you do not enjoy giving blowjobs please refer to the following article:

On Friday 4/20, a national holiday to some, I went out to celebrate. Actually I wasn't really celebrating, I just got invited along to dinner, a free dinner. Which for me is reason enough to celebrate.

First we waited 20 mins for the bus. I'm not really a bus fan. I have no idea where it goes, what it does, and what all those letters and numbers mean. M-20, Limited X-52, blah blah. Anyways the bus never came and I managed to snag us a cab. This in and of itself was a small miracle considering midtown on a Friday night. First stop Olives at the W Union Square for a pre-dinner drink. I ordered limoncello and soda. Delicious is the only way to describe this. That is until I found out that it's in no way similar to vodka and has a million calories. Then off to the main event:

Pure Food and Wine . I wasn't aware of where we were dinning. If I had known I probably would have made a stink. I'm highly suspicious of anyone who doesn't think their food needs to be heated to anything more than 118 degrees. Boy was I wrong. The food was amazing. Sadly I'll never go there again because amazing=costs an arm and a leg. Below is a pictorial journey of my dinner (the chef's tasting menu).

















Then we headed off the the newly remodeled Grammercy Park Hotel . At first we couldn't figure out what side of the park it was on. So we stopped this guy and asked him. He just walked away. Not even an acknowledgement of us speaking to him. So while he was still in ear shot I called him a douchebag in a blazer and my wonderful friend chimed in with ahole. To my amazement he turned around and then gave us directions. Hmm, maybe calling people douchebags is actually a good thing- it got results. Anyways we get to the bar and it was breathtaking. I'd show pictures, but I got the smackdown after taking one:



I wanted to show the insane prices of the drinks ($20+). But apparently they don't want people stealing their high priced drink ideas. In the end I'd sell my first born to stay there for a week or two. Since I don't even have a boyfriend to produce a child with I'll be bitter and say the hotel was full of Eurotrash and no real new yorker would go there...

Ok so I know I havent posted in ages. Please note if you've bitched to me about this I've taken your complaints and they are noted. With that said, don't complain to me again or you'll get a "fuck off" or some version of that.

Now on to the greatest moment of 2007. I know there have been a lot of great moments in 2007. You may even believe you may have been part of one of those greatest moments (yes, this is referring to you carolyn). But let me just say no. My greatest moment just happened:



That's right bitches 4 sweet, sweet tickets to see Mr. Steven Colbert.

This is probably a little known fact about me. I'm in love with his smarmy hotness. Every night when I watch The Colbert Report I alternate between getting wet and wanting to die of laughter. I'm actually getting excited right now just thinking about watching the show tonight.

So yes, it took Mr. Colbert to get me back into blog mode. Thank you Mr. Colbert, thank you.

I've been on a huge documentary kick lately and last night I decided to watch Jesus Camp. Ok everyone has to see this movie. It's NUTS.

I grew up in an evangelical christian home, so I guess it never hit me just how scary it really is. So the point of the film is it follows some little kids to this Jesus camp. This woman runs the camp and is clearly trying to use these kids as substitutes for the kids she'll never have because she is like 350lbs and clearly a lesbian. The film opens as she is chastising the world and FAT people who sit by and let the devil do his work. I found this a little ironic.

Then we cut to this woman who home schools her two kids. They are talking about how silly all this liberal environmentalism is. WTF?! Really Jesus is telling you fuck up the planet because you are a christian? This sounds preposterous, but this is really what they believe. It has to do with the rapture and they won't be here long anyways so fucking up the earth is not really that big of a deal. Then they all had a good laugh.

Back to bible camp- all this junk is being forced fed to these poor kids. they are told they are sinners and how sin is going to ruin there lives. you know at 6 yrs old if some scary lady was telling me this crap and my mom and dad were agreeing I'd buy into their propaganda too.

So bible camp wraps up with: A LIFE SIZE CUT OUT OF GW. I kid you not. he has two flags behind him. oh and they say the pledge, but not the one you're thinking. apparently christinas have their own version of the pledge. then they say a warfare prayer over him. everyone gets nuts over how great GW is. I've never seen so many people love him before. seriously.

I know you're thinking how can this movie get any better, but it so does. One of the kids goes to TED HAGGERT's church. That would be the same Ted Haggert who is not gay and also not a crack addict. He just does it sometimes in certain circumstances. This was before then whole scandal (obviously). I just found it again ironic that this man is sitting up there judging and preaching damnation and hell fire when he's getting blowies and smoking the pipe.

In conclusion, see this movie.

I was cleaning out pictures on my camera and found this. I love finding fun pictures that you didn't take.

When I was younger I always imagined 30 as being so grown up. I'd have matching furniture, a headboard for my bed, and I'd have all sorts of adult like things going on.

Then I turned 30. I found out that 30 year olds (or at least the ones I know) don't actually have matching furniture and for the most part we are just older versions of out 25 yr ourselves. That and no one I know has a headboard.

The point of this is I'm going on vacation next week. The best friends vacation. I bought the ticket from NYC to San Fran and then a ticket from Phoenix to NYC. Mainly because I got sweet deals on the tickets. Then all I needed was to get from San Fran to Phoenix. Well that ticket was $150, and I didn't enjoy that price. So everyday I'd log onto Southwest and look at the price, then look at my meager bank account, then look at the price. I mean I need beer money for vacation, right? So I called my mom and was like "hi mom guess what I need?" Her response was "Why doesn't Jessica buy the ticket?" My reply was "Do you mean Paul?" Her "No I meant Jessica". Then silence. I pulled the "but i live in nyc" and she said "no you live in jersey city". More silence followed by "fine here is my credit card number". Score. I really didn't plan to be 30 and still have my mom buying me things, but it's so nice when she does.

Also I got a geography lesson. LA is no where near San Fran. Who knew? On the map they look close. My mom and Paul were equally disgusted when I said I thought they looked close. If you had told either one of them in 1995 they'd agree on anything they would have never believed it.

Yesterday, March 14th was a beautiful spring day. It inspired me to pull out a super cute outfit with matching accessories and a jaunty little rain coat. The weather made me want to skip down the street and toss my hat (if I had one) in the air, just like Mary Tyler Moore. I was going to make it after all. Instead of skipping and looking nuts I played Bishop Allen and bopped my head as I took a walk down my street.

On my walk I came across a flier titled "Where is Ibby". Ibby is the owner of a fantastic falafel shop in my hood. He closed the shop about a year ago for "renovations". People are going nuts. This flier was looking for any information on Ibbys whereabouts and when the delicious falafel would be returning. It made me smile. Maybe I'd email this kindred soul in Jersey City. I pledged that this spring I'd take more walks in my hood. Bishop Allen encouraged me and I just knew this spring was going to be fantastic.

I then got home, opened my window to air out my apartment and turned on the TV. That's when my world came crashing down. Fox 5 news informed me that snow was on its way. Fuck. And there went all my hope for spring.

I'm back to being dismal and wearing black and staring longingly at the skirts in my closet. Fuck you winter.

I've been totally snotty and barfy for 7 days. I am pretty tired of being sick and cooped up inside. On Friday on my way home from work I think it finally took its toll because I almost started crying as I was walking home. Dramatic I know, but I can't help it. Now that the weather is turning I'm hoping I'm over being all thyphoid mary.

Then to top off my pity party I can't shake the Joshr thing. Is it because I want what I can't have or because I really liked him? Either way I need a random hook up asap to get this crap out of my system. I'm never like this about boys!

Thank god im getting out of nyc for a vaca soon. All of this pollution is really starting to cloud my brain..

I pre ordered the new Arcade Fire. Boy oh boy is it good. I'm doing the chair dance right now. As a bonus I got this sweet free CD:




And a Trading Card (?). I need to find some Brooklyn hipsters who also have these trading cards because I now have two of the Walkmen. Bueller?

So I'm 99.9% sure I'm getting dissed by the programmer dork. I'm super sad about it. We had tenative plans on Thursday, and he never called. At the time it was fine because I was barfy mcbarf with the flu. So Friday I called and left a message saying "hi, give me a call if you want to hang out this weekend." Now 24 hours later, no call back. I really don't get it. He seemed like he was into me. I mean he hung out w me and my sister, called after said he had a good time. After every time before when we hung out he said how much fun he had. I just got a feeling that he liked me. Apparently not. Maybe I'm crazy and he'll really call, but still whats the story with not calling before? I seriously don't get it.

Due to my whole boys suck mood I'm trying to keep busy. This is leading to me tearing apart my closet and organizing everything. I guess at least if im getting the diss my sweaters will be organized.