I think I'm the mistress of an emotional affair. I might be in trouble,i got to have lunch with him today. I brought a friend and his bf popped over to say hi. Kinda akward. Im omw to nola now, here I come mardi gras.....

Um....

You ever have one of those days where all you want tIo do is sing and dance? I mean I like doing it everyday, but today more than ever I feel like expressing myself in song. I think I need a karaoke machine, but knowing me it will be me at night all myself sitting on the couch drunk singing. Haha not very attractive ;). These last couple days I have been filled with so many emotions.excitement, sadness, anger, very overwhelmed and uncertainty. Things to sing about for sure, and I think I just might tonight. Even if it means I'm gonna be in Buffalo by myself tonight singing my heart out. One song on specific is "heartless" by Kris Allen another is "Higher" by Gloria Estefan. Things that make you go hmmmm?

It's so crazy how life can change in only a few minutes. My friend just called me named Scott. Scott is a straight white boy who I met in new orleans and had a blast with. He also came to Chicago and lived with me for a month and then came back right after new years and stayed with me another week. Just a little background ;) I already knew he was going to be working at the same place I am for mardi gras, he just asked me to go to Santa Monica with him after mardi gras to work because that's where he's from, and we could go to Hawaii after and wurk at the stores there. I'm thinking about doing it. I called my mother to ask her what she thought about it and she told me to go for it. I'm feeling conflicted at the moment because right now because as I'm literally on my way back home to try and settle in, there is already and opportunity to move somewhere else. Damn my head is spinning I kinda can't believe this is happening. So now I need to make a decision before I finish my previous one. On one hand I want to be here for my mother and be around my good friends and family. On the other hand things like this don't come everyday. He and I would be driving in his car from Denver to California; OMG!!! My stomach if flipping thinking about it. Arrrgggg!!!!! What to do?!?! Is this really happening? This is a very hard decision.

The time is now I'm heading back to new york to drop off my things.I'm saying buh bye to chicago. Although it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be and filled with un necessary drama I still made great friends and had a good time. I can't help but be excited about being closer to my mother after almost a decade, and I think it will be a lot better for her state mind and my mind knowing that I finally have a mother who is doing "normal" mother things for once. I touchdown in new york monday then right back out thursday. Bubba gumps new orleans already sent me my wurk schedule. My first day of wurk is the 26th and they have me scheduled a double and then closing the restaraunt the following night. I guess they are happy I'm coming back. Besides being in new orleans for mardi gras, I will also be spending a lot of time with my sister, and my nephew which is going to be excellent,i miss those two. Not enough to move to the south but I miss them so much. It's really too bad that a good friend of mine decided to ditch me on the apt we were gonna do together, but hey that's just a minor speed bump, I guess ms. Ho isn't the only one going through friend issues. Which I'm completely over worrying about btw. If these last few weeks taught me anything, with all that's been going on with my family. Its that life is WAY too short for shitty "friends". If someone has a problem with me and I've done nothing wrong to them, I don't need you in my life and I'm over trying to make you like me or reach for your acceptance. I'm done. I'm so happy with what I've accomplished so far, and proud of the decisions I've made. The same goes for ((e:lilho)) tell those haters to kick rocks honey. Antywho I'm gonna be doing a lot of dancing, working and loving those who love me in the coming weeks and I really wish I could bring a lot of you with me. To share my world, because it truly is beautiful despite minor or major hiccups. I'm Coming back to Buffalo with a new attitude a new job (thanks to my friend Joel) a new apt and a new wardrobe. I definetly need retail therapy ;). I will see you all in a few weeks and for those who don't want to see me, trust it can be arranged aswell. Keep love and light in your heart always and every now and then, stop and take a good look around and be thankful that you are so fortunate. I love you Buffalo peace out yo!!!

My silly ass thought just because it was in the 50s in chicago a couple days spring was coming. Then I wake up today and BAM snow came back to piss me off. I don't like waking up grumpy but I did. Only a few says left here then back to BUFFALO!!!!! Then New Orleans aged its gonna be in the 70s and 60s for two weeks!!!! Two weeks!!! (total recall voice). Any body want anything from the dutty south? I am gonna bring bacon vodka....

somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin this is mine/this aint yr stuff/now why don’t you put me back & let me hang out in my own self somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff & didn’t care enuf to send a note home sayin i was late for my solo conversation or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts what can anybody do wit somethin of no value ona open market/ did you getta dime for my things/hey man/ where are you goin wid alla my stuff/ to ohh & ahh abt/ daddy/ i gotta mainline number from my own shit/ now wontcha put me back/ & let me play this duet/ wit silver ring in my nose/ honest to god/ somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i didn't bring anythin but the kick & sway of it the perfect ass for my man & none of it is theirs this is mine/ ntozake ‘her own things’/ that’s my name now give me my stuff/ i see ya hidin my laugh/ & how is it wif my legs open sometimes/ to give me some sunlight/ & there goes my love my toes my chewed up finger nails/ niggah/ wif the curls in yr hair/mr. louisiana hot link/ i want my stuff back/my rhytums & my voice/ open my mouth/ & let me talk ya outta/ throwin my shit in the sewar/ this is some delicate leg & whimsical kiss/ i gotta have to give to my choice/without you runnin off wit alla my shit/now you can't have me less i give me away/ & i wazdoin all that/ til ya run off on a good thing/ who is this you left me wit/ some simple bitch widda bad attitude/ i wants my things/i want my arm wit the hot iron scar/ & my leg wit the flea bite/ i want my calloused feet & quik language backin my mouth/ fried plantains/ pineapple pear juice/ sun-ra & joseph & jules/ i want my own things/ how i lived them/& give me my memories/ how i waz when i waz there/you can't have them or do nothin wit them/ stealin my shit from me/ don't make it yrs/ makes it stolen/somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time & it waznt a spirit took my stuff/ waz a man whose ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow/ waz a man fastern my innocence/ waz a lover/ i made too much room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff/& i didn't know i’d give it up so quik/ & the one runnin wit it/don’t know he got it/ & i’m shoutin this is mine/ & he don't know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure of the year/ did you know somebody almost got away wit me/me in a plastic bag under their arm/ me danglin on a string of personal carelessness/ i’m spattered wit mud & city rain/ & no i didn't get a chance to take a douche/hey man/ this is not your perogative/ i gotta have me in my pocket/ to get round like a good woman shd/ & make the poemin the pot or the chicken in the dance/ what i got to do/i gotta get my stuff to do it to/why don't ya find yr own things/ & leave this package of me for my destiny/ what ya got to get from me/i’ll give it to ya/ yeh/ i’ll give it to ya/round 5:00 in the winter/ when the sky is blue-red/& Dew City is gettin pressed/ if it’s really my stuff/ya gotta give it to me/ if ya really want it/ i’m the only one/ can handle it -ntozake shange

I'm trying to hang out with my mother these last few hours and all she can talk about is going out getting a beer. I wish I could fill that void for her and it breaks my heart because apparently I can't. I, mean given everything that's happened any normal adult would want a drink, but its such s slippery slope and its never good to drink when youre upset, it just worsens the mood you are in and it just makes you want more. She asked me twice to get her beer, and I told her no. although I never had to tell my mother no it sucks big time. I can't condone that, plus the rest of my family would be really upset with me. I said one day she and I can have a beer together but not now, I think it's too soon and the risk is too great. I kinda felt my self tearing up a bit when she left, I'm sitting here hoping she dosent try and do something to get it. And feel that it would ber my fault if she gets in trouble trying to grab one. I know this is a really personal entry and a lot of you don't know about my mommy issues, but there you have it. If I didn't write it out some where I would just break down and cry. So thanks for reading this guys I love you long time, and I just hope for the best. See you all soon. P.s. I'm almost at 200 entries after how many years now? Slacker...... :p

I'm having way too much fun with this. So I grab my crotch and I say "Hee Hee"!!!

I got my android avatar. He has my widows peak and everything lol. Oh goodness these next couple weeks are going to be nuts!!!! I'm going to be in three cities in two weeks, kinda feel life I'm on tour hahaha. Its going to be Chicago, then back to buffalo again to move my shtuff and then flying down to new orleans to wurk for mardi gras. Mardi gras is over in the 8th of March then I'm back to buffalo for good. First thing I'm gonna do when I'm back is shop my ass off smoke a fatty and play video games for a day straight. See you all soon love you Buffalo!!!