i don't want to make a big deal of this, but i must say how i feel. I'm obsessed with the way you wear your hair, and the way you prance in those heels.
But for some reason when wer'e together all we do is fight. I try to stay strong and stay away. But I can't because of what you are wearing tonight.
With those form fitting shirts, and thos fancy pants. And the way you look at me when wer'e holding hands.
You say we can't be together becaye the tension is too tight. But if you didn't want me to fall again, you shouldn't have wore that tonight.
We dance to a beat of a different drum, and I try to do wahts best. But if you didn't want this to go beyound tonight. Then you should have worn a different dress.

Everyone see's people they think are attractive. Theres a lot of people out there and one is sure to catc your eye. So what the hell, go talk to them; see what they're all about. If they don't seen interested ,don't give up soeasy they could be playing hard to get. BUT if they ignore you, or tell you straight up "no". Back the fuck off! There is nothing more annoying than someone who dosen't get the hint when you are obviously shunning them off. We know your desperate and HANDa isn't working as well anymore. But thats your problem. I will tell you the difference between determination and stalking.
If you ask someone for there phone number and they tell you no. So you give them your number just incase they have a change of heart. That's determinantion.
If you see a hot piece of ass walking down the street, you follow them and then beep at them but they are ignoring you to the point where they reach their destinantion and you sit outside beeping your horn for 15 damn minuets. Yeah thats stalking.
A hot young thing catches your eye at the bar and you want to get to "know" them but you see the vibes aren't mutual. So oyu decide to buy them a drink to see where it goes. Thats determinantion.
And lastly you follow your dream hottie down the street and trying to get their attention but you know they have better things to do than stop and talk to some asshole beeping and hollering from their car; and then you go to the extreme and show up at their job for another shot because their subtle rejection just wasn't enough. Congradulations, you are a class A stalker. Now this is not a stab at the lonely hearts of the world, because I am one of them. But I know my boundries, and you should too. It's common sense.

ALL OF MY JOURNAL ENTRIES ARE BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS. NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED, BUT THESE THINGS HAPPEN, AND IT HAS - TO ME.

Now I consider mself a talkative person. Maybe even too talkative. I love to talk, thats the way I am, I have a lot to say. But thers a time to talk and there comes a time to shut the fuck up. For example where people should shut up is during sex, Too many times have I been in bed with someone doing my thang and they want to carry on conversation as if wer'e having coffee. I don't want to talk about your job, how your day went of your GIRLFRIEND(you'll be suprised). It's like oh I'm sorry ami I boring you? If s I will take it out and walk away. All I want to talk about is what position is next, and where can I cum. Now don't get me wrong I'm not what I like to call a necrofucker. I do my fare share of moaning and shaking my ass. But I beg you PLEASE, lets both get off and then if we have the energy ( because you might not fuckin wit me) we can talk about how bad traffic was this mourning. thank oyu

Everything seems to be falling apart back at home. People dieing, people hurting, broken doors. It was kinda hard to keep a cool head with all of that chaos going around. I tried to type a journal entry when i was in the falls but couldn't really think about the same things I normally talk about and someone thought it was inappropriate (step family). I say whatever because, when I write and write about the things I like it makes me feel better. And why is sex inappropriate? It's not as if I was talking about fucking my mother or anything. NOw thats nasty! I was going to write a little more about what I thoguht of monogamy, I even had it written down on paper, but some HO has my stuff and I forget everthing I write down. I was having a dicussion with my brother about his little mishap on staying true to one person and how he feels bad about having certain feelings for other females. So I told him if you think about it nature is not monogamous. A Lion fucks his mate for 18 seconds, and when he's finished he rest and gets up to fuck another. Dogs hump whatevers moving, and I even saw a cat fuck a dead cat in the road! Now are they wrong? Well maybe the cat is, but thats just the way it is. I think society puts too much pressure on being with one mate and one mate only. Now if you really loved the person and you have lingering feelings you two should sit down and talk about it. But Nate, don't feel bad about it, God did not put all this pussy on earth and expected you to only lick one. Shit you might as well because i wont be anytime soon. Nate love yourself and then you will finally know which path to take. All of those material items you have are not making you happy. DOnt go out and but another computer just because you are feeling bad aobut yourself, because you will still feel the same way as before with the exception of a new computer and more debt. Go get what you want and fuck those who think otherwise. I love you nate. be safe

Well well I start my second job tonight. After I get off at the movie theatre I have to go to panos and start working. I will be be a bus boy and a dishwasher. It will be really busy but I like it like that;I am a good hustler. So wish me luck tonight to hope everything goes well! Ooooh the life of doubles. It occured to me lastnight that we always seem to be unsatisfied with monogamy in a lot ways. One job is not good enough to get by and be comfortable, we always need another. So now i have a three way relationship with with MAFAC, and Pano. Woo Hoo! busy busy busy! Two firends of mine who have been together for years just decided that they want to invite someone to be with them. And not just for a night. Why is being monogamous so hard for everyone to deal with. What happened to finding your other HALF? Are we unsatisfied with the one we have that we must bring someone else in to spice it up or is it our raging hormones that we feel we can't share with just one person and this is the only way to do it without cheating and hurting the one we are with? It's hard work to try and divide your time evenly between two things you are totally commited to. You must make sure that everyone is open. If not, there will be one who feels that they are not getting enough. They will feel that they are being overlooked and you are more commited to the other one. Which maybe the case; I mean you will find the one that treats you better and suddenly you realize that this other low paying one is not worth the time they are asking for. Sure you have you'r reasons for staying with them also. But we all look for whats better for us, and eventually something will fail if you are not careful. Careful in the sense that you got yourself into this and there will always be other things out there that will grab your attention so your intrests seem to wonder else where. But don't get caught slacking because you maybe forced out of both situations you are in and you are left alone to start off from scratch. The life of double is hellishly hard work and I tip my hat to anyone who does it and does it well. onezies beats twozies but nothing beats threezies!

Now i would like to consider myself a pretty peaceful, loving person. But it occured to me today that I have fought just as many people I have fucked. Now you might think thats kind of ironic. why yes it is and it's true. Now I don't mean fight like bickering and exchanging harsh words, no I mean actual physical contact of fist, feet, and teeth (in some cases, hey you gotta do what cha gotta do). And I don't mean Fucked like in a little licky licky and a slight touching pee pee; no I mean actual penetration. So i will list the names right here online for EVERYONE to see how much of a slut and a fighter I could be.

FOUGHT: Henry, Ruben, Maria (yes a girl i admit), jacob, shay, shalia (two more girls), rob, cynthia (3), raymond (might as well been a girl), ladonna, (4 1/2), soloman, john r., julian (5).

FUCKED: Henry, Ruben, Maria, Rob S. (butchy), Joe, Josh, Matthew J., Romena, Gary (we all remeber king kong pecker don't we), Steve, Derik, Duane (D), Elton.

Got all that? Now you see that is thirteen in each category. And another observation you might catch on too is the matching of some names. Yes they are the same people, which are: Henry (my first boyfriend), Maria (my girlfriend/girl virginty taker), and Ruben. Some people are soooo difficult. Now that you know a little more about my personal information and you might have a tainted vision of me from now on, but i tell you this I do not like to fight nor am I a Harlot. But you better be damned sure that I am good at both!


BOO YEAH!

They say some boundries shouldn't be crossed. That you should know where you stand aolways. But do we? Do we know how to satisfy our lovers and keep we and our friends happy? you fall for someone and for some reason, mothing else really matters. Love is all you need. But thats not it. To get you'r lover to love you, you must sacrafice. Oyu must let down all you'r guards to let someone you feel is worthy into your kingdom. I've let them in, and my palace suffered as a result. you see, you don't really know someone untill it's too late. By the time you realize, hey this may not be who I want to share my sacrade fruit with. They've already gotten too far in to push them back out. you try to do other things to take your mind off this monster who is continously damaging your kingdom.
Your friends are hurt also. They see you, this beautiful king, and they see his kingdom. They do their best to rebuild what has been torn down, But can only do so much when it's being ripped back apart. For this king is weak. He is weakend by every brick being torn out of the walls. He can't fight this alone. Every other monster who has come in has been defeated. Now the king grows weary. This time he has bitten off a little more than he can chew, and his stomachis not big enouch to take it all in. But with the aid of his friends (troops). This monster may have finally bowed out. And now the kingdome can be restored and be so better than ever.
What will happen next for our king? Well only time can tell that. But for now we can leave knowing that this king is wiser now. And for ever lover he lets in and a monster is unleashed, comes a new fight. The king maybe be ready for it or it will come when he least expects it. But he knows that his kingsom will not be broken down for ever.

i walk into a smoked filled bar. I hear your playing tonight. I take my seat in the back, light one up and await oyur sight. You come up and I take a deep breath and release the toxic in the air. You speak, I chill, you sing, i dream. The one thig is, oyu don't know I'm there. I light another as your next slection plays on. YOu serenace the crowd, as they sway. I wish it was me oyu were strumming on. I loose my balance as I try to walk closer, I drop my cigarette, take my new seat and light another. I wonderif it could be more than this, but you don't even know i exsist. You look my way, i freeze, you look away and I'm back at ease. Whats wrong with me, are you even worhty for my tall tales; as i sit here sedated with my yellow fingernails. Oyur strong arem clinches the guitar, and I can't read whats on your shirt because I am too far. My next move is a closer one, and I'm out of smokes. But now I'm close enough to read your foot notes. The man next to me hands me one and a light, as you announce that this will be your last song of the night. You look at me again; maybe it's a test, because your last song is the best. You exit the stage and i take my last drag. I sit still and dream of what could be or could have. I can't approach you, for i will surely fail. But i will be back, me and my yellow fingernails.

They say you should be yourself. They say it like it's soooo easy. But sometimes when you go around being yourself, you realize that people will still have a problem with you. My luck on, riches, beauty, ad love has seem to finally run out. Maybe i took advantage of what i had and now it's gone. Or maybe fate just has it's way of bringing a man down. There is only so much one person can take and still keep on worry free. But when everything you ever had hope in crashes down around you , when you think you are at your prime. It makes you do something we are all guilty of, we question ourselves. At first i (we) question what are we doing wrong to cause such trama around us. But my answer to this after ALL that I have been through, is NOTHING. I've done things i am not proud of but I feel that I (we) are still great. AND for all of you out there who depise us i say this to you. FUCK YOU! You are the reason good people don't get ahead. You slander us with you'r jelousy and hate, and us who are weak in confidence back down. But tonight I make a stand for us. You who hate, envy, loathe, contradict, turn ugly, will get whats coming. We are going to be around til the end of time, we will not stop being us just because you wish us not to. Get a life, go choke on sushi for all I care, Because I (now I mean "I") am not going anywhere! Now that I've said that I will stand by it. I will see you in the next life. Hope you find peace and love.



tk

case of the mondays? i don't think so. I had a case of the sudays for some reason. My weekend was not completly dissapointing, I had a Great friday night thanks to the kick ass party at matthew, pauls and terrys house. Alot of people digged my yellow pants. Alot more than i thought anyway. But saturday was a differnt story. Once again I was surrounded by jealousy, this time by a new person. I hate that shit; people really need to get lives, and stop bothering something they can't control. It really ruined my sunday because i did not do what i normally do then. But that part of my life I fear will no longer happen. Which may not be all that bad after all. thank all of you who, made my weekend as much as enjoyable as possible. Tina I love you baby thank you for all the support! But today my day has been going by just lovely. I got up early and took care of some stuff now I am relaxing. I love today! and I love you all! THANK YOU!


tk