1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says, "A beer please...and one for the road."

6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this BS before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,
"let's have a look at him." So, he picks the dog up, examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?! Just because he's cross-eyed?!?"
"No, because he's really, really heavy!!"

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mom or my dad...or, maybe my older brother Colin
or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 5 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

17. A man regained consciousness in the hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank....proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?

22. A couple ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't
serve ropes here. Please leave."
After they walk out, the female rope ties herself into a
pretty bow and frizzes up her ends.
Then she walks back in.
The bartender says "Didn't I tell you we don't serve ropes?"
To which she replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

23. I went to Borders Books and asked the clerk where the self-help
section was and she said that if she told me it would defeat the
purpose of having one.

This showed up in my email and I thought I'd share, I believe it comes from the witty mind of Stephen Wright

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on a shiny new bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes," the little girl said, "he sure did."
The cop looked the bike over and handed the little girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top."

Being Irish means...



You will never play professional basketball
You swear very well
At least one of your cousins holds political office
You think you sing very well
You have no idea how to make a long story short
You are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf
There isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone
Much of your food was boiled
You have never hit your head on the ceiling
You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling
You're strangely poetic after a few beers
You're poetic a lot
You will be punched for no good reason...a lot
Some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations
Your sister will punch you because your brother punched her
Many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth
Someone in your family is incredibly cheap
It is more than likely you
You don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing
You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking
"Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"
You're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency
There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party
You are, or know someone, named "Murph"
If you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac"
If you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully"
You'll probably also know Sully McMurphy
You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret
Your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room
And last but not least... Being Irish means...
your attention span is so short that---oh, forget it.

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
your cheeks then there's no hope for you!

• Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to

the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili #5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off.It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
aboutJudge# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and theworld sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out; fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili.

while I was flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the
limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on
the other side laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the
car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked,
"What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I
work
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely
stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge....."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00

Court Costs: $45.00

The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!

I'm willing to be that after his "State of the County" address that Mr. Giambra now knows of the sound of one hand clapping.

I'm willing to be that after his "State of the County" address that Mr. Giambra now knows of the sound of one hand clapping.

I do tech support for a local yet national internet provider and there are a few things about that never cease to amaze me. I'm here at work on Sunday morning, little before 10:00 and it is going to be a beautiful day and there are already people calling in from more beautiful places like Manhattan Beach, CA and they are worried about their internet connection at 7AM pacific time on a sunday morning.

I know I'm here to help, but parenthetically I wanted to shout at them to go to the beach. "The ocean is at your back door and you're worried about ping times on your connection to xbox live?" It amazes me. I took my kids to the Dairy Queen on Friday night and we watch a collection of young ladies who were so desperate for sunshine they sat a picnic table shivering in their miniskirts and flip flops, I figured that for sure on Sunday morning, there would be somebody who's email wasn't working quite quick enough, despite the lack of real urgency for that mail to get anywhere.

I know, I fixed it, but just couldn't believe that that would be at the top of my to-do list on what is for me, Monday.

Go back to bed, ya'all, the net will still be there at 11

You got to pay attention. I'm learning that the hard way. I'm in the middle of an amiable separation and it never dawned on me to keep on eye on what that means according to the IRS. I set my forms up for more money in the check as opposed to waiting for the big refund.

Don't do that. As I efile and hope for nice installment plans (You know how good they are with money), gentle reader, watch yourself and if things change domestically, know that everything changes and I do mean everything. It's a good thing that I travel well vicariously, because that is the only way I can afford to in 2005.

there will be a blog tonight.....

Good evening and welcome to my rantings.