If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
your cheeks then there's no hope for you!

• Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to

the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili #5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off.It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
aboutJudge# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and theworld sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out; fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili.

while I was flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the
limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on
the other side laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the
car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked,
"What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I
work
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely
stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge....."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00

Court Costs: $45.00

The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!

I'm willing to be that after his "State of the County" address that Mr. Giambra now knows of the sound of one hand clapping.

I'm willing to be that after his "State of the County" address that Mr. Giambra now knows of the sound of one hand clapping.

I do tech support for a local yet national internet provider and there are a few things about that never cease to amaze me. I'm here at work on Sunday morning, little before 10:00 and it is going to be a beautiful day and there are already people calling in from more beautiful places like Manhattan Beach, CA and they are worried about their internet connection at 7AM pacific time on a sunday morning.

I know I'm here to help, but parenthetically I wanted to shout at them to go to the beach. "The ocean is at your back door and you're worried about ping times on your connection to xbox live?" It amazes me. I took my kids to the Dairy Queen on Friday night and we watch a collection of young ladies who were so desperate for sunshine they sat a picnic table shivering in their miniskirts and flip flops, I figured that for sure on Sunday morning, there would be somebody who's email wasn't working quite quick enough, despite the lack of real urgency for that mail to get anywhere.

I know, I fixed it, but just couldn't believe that that would be at the top of my to-do list on what is for me, Monday.

Go back to bed, ya'all, the net will still be there at 11

You got to pay attention. I'm learning that the hard way. I'm in the middle of an amiable separation and it never dawned on me to keep on eye on what that means according to the IRS. I set my forms up for more money in the check as opposed to waiting for the big refund.

Don't do that. As I efile and hope for nice installment plans (You know how good they are with money), gentle reader, watch yourself and if things change domestically, know that everything changes and I do mean everything. It's a good thing that I travel well vicariously, because that is the only way I can afford to in 2005.

there will be a blog tonight.....

Good evening and welcome to my rantings.