For a while now I've been keeping a secret. I started watching The Hills on MTV. I didn't want to watch it or like it. One saturday afternoon by accident I watched an episode and it was downhill from there. I know it's fake and horrible and shows everything thats wrong with our society and kids and all that, but I can't stop.

Please click on the link below to view a dramatic moment where Heidi gets the "you know youre a bitch right" talk from a co-worker. It's totally awesome.

The one picture I took while on vacation in AZ. This is the spa I spent the day at with Momma Ho.

Be jealous bitches.

Pictures of the cheese sent to me by my married co-worker.

Nothing says I'm hot for you like cheese.

Back to my "Robots will someday rule the Earth" paranoia.

Already they are taking over the phones in Williamsburg.

You must watch. Highly entertaining. I propose we send it to the Academy for consideration.

So for the past few weeks/months I've been seeing this dude. He's 40. I mention his age because quite frankly if I told this story and didn't mention his age you'd think I was talking about someone who was 23.

Ok back to the story. So as I said we've been seeing each other for a while. Right before I went to AZ on vacation we had a little incident where we were going to hang out and have dinner together at my place. Long story short he was 3 hours late because he stopped to eat on the way to my place because he was hungry. Apparently they don't make apples to go, you have to stay at the tree they were grown on and eat them there. Previous to this he was also mega late to meet me and my friends in Queens (he shows up as we are ready to leave). Pretty much I was done which this behavior. Then I got drunk and needed someplace to stay at 2am on a week night and just like that it was sorta back on.

Last time I saw/spoke to him was Labor Day weekend. Friday of that weekend. Where he was once again late to meet me and my friends. And they seemed kinda sketched out by him. I was like whatever, another one bites the dust. He didn't call or anything either until Saturday night when I get a text from him: "Hi Do you have fun plans tonight? I do!" Huh? What is that? So I just don't respond because really you don't talk to me for over a week then you send me a text? Then today I get an email from him:

Subject: Hi Sexy!
How are you? :D
Do you know that there's a Hello Kitty section at Toys R Us in Times Square?
♥ Jared

My thoughts:
What is this email? It's retarded and it bothers me. Plus we havent actually spoken in forever.

Because I'm bored at work I reply back. My intended tone was to be jerkish. As you'll read below it didn't work.

My Reply:
I do. There's one in FAO and a free standing store too.
Im fine. How are you?

His Reply:
You have Kitty Stations.
I'm goood. :) muah!

WTF is/are Kitty Stations? Why all the smiley face useage? muah? I thought only 16 year old girls texting their boyfriends used that term. Im not exactly sure what it even means. Now he bothers me. What 40 year old conducts himself like this? I feel like at some point Im going to have to have the "please don't contact me ever" conversation with him.

So 2 weeks ago when I was in FL I mentioned my inappropriate flirting with married co-workers. Well one of these men is currently working in France. And pretty much I was fawning all over him and he was eating it up. So as part of our conversation I was like "Cry me a river you're in France you can eat cheese everyday." and he was all "I f'ing hate France" and I was like "Go ahead and look down my shirt while I touch your chest".

Ok back to the point of the story (other than I'm a horrible person) so I'm sitting at my desk alternately thinking of Chris Noth, how much I want to punch Thomas, and how I can't wait to go home and sleep because I'm so hung over. Then like a ray of sunshine a box appears at my desk. And the box smells. I'm thinking WTF and is this for moi? So I open the box and inside is a variety of cheese from France with a little note card from Mr. Married Co-Worker. Sigh, he's so dreamy..

Side note: Ironically this is not the first time I have received a cheese sampler pack from a man. Is this weird?

Holy shit this is what Donny Whalberg turned into:

• picture stolen straight from Perez Hilton

I'm dedicating this post to Michael Visco who is awesome in so many ways. He, like Jem, is truly outrageous. But also he is smart, hot, has good style and is a really good person to boot. In any case I know he loves a good scandal and although my post is not super scandalous I'd like to dedicate it to Mike.

So last night I had to go to the dentist because another one of my teeth cracked and fell off. I grind my teeth and now they are falling apart. So I was drugged up from getting it fixed and had settled in for the night. Then I was convinced by coworkers to come out and drink. Apparently our FAS (Forensic Advisory Services) Group was out at some bar, and I can't ever say no to free alcohol (just like Lindsey). So I meet up with everyone at Whiskey Traders located on 55th bet 5th and 6th. It was kinda a generic over priced bar, but whateves it was an open tab and they had free buttery popcorn. It was then that this small town girls big city dreams all were realized in a single magical moment. Chris Noth (aka Mr. Big and also Det. Mike Logan on Law & Order) was 5 people away from me at the bar. It was as if the heavens opened and angels were singing. He was perfect. I then texted everyone I could (because thats what you do when dreams become reality). Apparently I texted Thomas. He was with some girl and who said the correct spelling of his name was "Noath" and I was like please you are wrong. The we got into a fight and I was like you know what I live in NYC, I have an awesome life (for the most part) I'm done with you. So then I told him to fuck off. He then called and texted me the whole night trying to see if I was really serious, which I am.

Ok so now on to part two of the night. After Mr. Big and my boss stuffing her bra with the free popcorn (hey you never know when you're going to want a snack) I decided that it would be best if we had a dance party. We all hop in a cab and head over to Beauty Bar. We get there and theres an amazing guy to girl ratio. And we were the only girls dancing. So then we make friends with everyone and dance our asses off to songs like: Pour some sugar on me (my all time fave), holiday, robot rock and various other fun songs. Then it came time to go home. I know that if I'm out at 1am on a work night it's going to be bad news the next day. So I leave Beauty Bar and decide that I'm going to call the dude I recently semi-dumped before vacation to have a sleep over. He lives right around the corner and I was in no mood to get on a train (and by mood I mean condition). So we have a sleep over.

Part Three begins with me walking into work and my coworker falling off her chair laughing at me. She says "Oh my god where did you sleep last night on a park bench?" I guess this was because:
1. I was in the same outfit
2. My shirt somewhere along the line got a small tear in it
3. My hair, well let's just say its not looking its normal fab self
4. When I asked the dude to hang up my pants (I couldn't even do that for myself) he apparently heard "Please ball up my pants and kinda stuff them on a wire hanger". So my pants are a mess. Oh and they also have a white mystery stain on them.

Thank god we have extra shirts in the office. So at least I don't look like the office whore. I mean I kinda do, just not as much.

In conclusion it was a great night and I wish Mike Visco could have been there to make it more outrageous.

I guess I constantly feel the need to #1 defend Jerz and #2 defend the amount of money I pay in rent and #3 defend its close proximity to the city. I feel like the NYT takes care of this argument for me quite nicely.