8:41 pm

I'm at SPoT elmwood right now and I wanna talk to someone cause Vic Lazar has to go to band practice, and you don't.

So. I've been without the company of a woman for quite a while now. Relationships end before you stop seeing each other. There's the hospice period, but let's move past this obscenity.

Um, I have guilt at some level for the urges that I know I must satisfy, but really I know I'm only human, so I try to put the ill feeling out of my mind. That's how I deal with everything difficult that I must endure. I put it out of my mind. It's served me at times and other times it really fucked me.

ANECDOTE --

I was 21ish 2nd or 3rd year in college and I met this girl who looked like Wendy of the famous fast food chain Wendy's. She was amazing. Bizarre. Unpredictable. Adorable. Celibate. Damn near straight edge. If you knew me at the time you'd know who much of a match we were.

She got into the Disney program and went to Florida. My band would suffer if I went so I stayed home. I felt like she took a pice of my life with her and it hurt so bad i just put her out of my mind. She'd come back eventually right? I wouldn't have to miss her at all if I were busy with other stuff till then.

I didn't call. I didn't write... not even on her birthday. OK, even then I must have realized how much of an ass-hole move that was, but what is forgiveness if not something with which you can forgive?. Even though I gave her a laptop to stay in touch with her.

Her friends were not impressed with me. When she called to break up with me I was totally unprepared. It eviscerated me. I was ruined.

I put it out of my mind. it passed.


-_-_-_-_


So I'm putting the guilt out of my mind. I'm putting the frustration out of my mind so I can function. I know that right now I am creepy. I do things that are impulsively inspired, and entirely outside of my control. I start behaving like that woman on the elevator at the C&V. She was so sickly sweet and invasive. Wearing a lab coat. Carrying test tubes. Persistent. Relentless. Her piercing eyes. Her wet constant mouth shaping those words. The questions she'd ask without trepidation.... ::shiver::

I did something crazy last night. There needs to be an account of this. it was a fantastic display of debauchery and bravery...ok alcohol. Big assed drink night at the Cathode is always the beginning of a journey you're not prepared for. It was fun. I'm glad it's over. I wish I could remember her name. Then I could find it in my phone and call her... it's in there. Mocking me.

This weekend will be awesome. I get the bb's and we're going to the art festival after nap time each day for as long as we can stand it. Her affection and love always distracts me from what ever ails me. I hope we see you out. I'll be the really happy tall one, she'll be the really curious short one.

Love you guys.
All my heart.
Tony.

...in your heart when you see 4 player new mario brothers....



can't.