11/02/12 07:20 - ID#56869
Yes That Casey
Reading back on all the expositions that we've submitted and thinking back to all the events that took place I still can't quite pinpoint the place where things started off track, but they've been sliding and slithering further and further into darker and darker holes ever since. My goal in the beginning was to force someone who needed people in their life to reach out to other people to also be close to, and if I had to loose him to do it I was wiling to make that sacrifice. I could not be any one's everything, that would ruin our relationship. I know my self. I felt like Casey was ready to settle on that and I was not for a number of reasons. I'm here today telling you I have succeeded. He's been accepted into a very large group of people some of which consider him family, and as much as this is a grand success it's only bitter sweet since now I stand on the outside of that same family of friends as something less than a stranger, but nothing close to friend.
When i wrote about what was happening I did it in an emotional froth. I'd just come back from my best friends house having just agreed to end my longest standing friendship, and was being accused of enjoying it. Casey's response to my post was more telling than anything. Where I was saddened and apologetic he became defensive and offended. The posts illustrated quite well how we passed each other like trains in the night on why we were out of sorts. I don't think either of us really wanted to say what was getting at us. I don't know why. Honestly it's way less destructive than what we did end up saying. We both cared about each other maybe too much, but didn't agree on how to express that. So we started doing hurtful things instead. Our girl dispute as pathetic at best. None of it mattered by the by. Both girls are now happy in love with other men, and we're no longer the friends we were. I couldn't quite impress that upon him. But the hurt continued in other ways, so I can't believe that it really had everything to do with what we're at odds about. I live with the consequences everyday.
It's true that I was spending less time with Casey. My interests had changed, and I'd become focused on finding a mate more than anything else in life. I had just broken up with my childs mother Megan, something he was all for not too strangely. I was trying something new with my living situation that demanded that i take care of two properties, and i was finding new places to meet women since my core group of friend had a lot of gay men in it, and there's not too many women I'd make a life partner out of from that. I understand if Casey started feeling a little like Kirk Cameron. I was on a mission. Still am, but my drive and methods are different now. Being fresh out of a terminal relationship makes everyone act like a hoeâ€¦ I'm no better than any other red blooded american man.
I have for a while now had to ask my self how this came to being. What was really going on? Am I just better off not dealing with him, or should I have tried harder to figure things out? I don't know that anything that should have been said about the relationship was mentioned. I think Casey was hurt deeply that someone like me in his life would reject him. Rejection from family is a sore sticking point to anyone, but him especially I was the closest thing he had to that then. What I don't think he understood by my stance was that as much as I was standing back I as was standing firm, so that we could get past what we couldn't agree to.
I forbade him enter Nona's house my home which started the breakdown of my core friends in ways that i wouldn't understand or would realize until this very day. He'd already make his mark. He was one of "us". I Members of our group came to each of us independently sometimes asking me to be more lenient I am here contemplating not going to an (e:strip) party since I hadn't been invited and likely won't be welcomed. I thought it'd cause more problems to try and deal with him from inside my house. I created a deep schism in my world.
Taking care of Nona's house for (e:PMT) (at the time) was as big a mistake as I thought it would be, but only in those ways. In every other way it was a delight. I lived with some of the best friends I've come to know while there and raised my peanut from a squirt to a tyke. I wasn't able to save enough to buy it any sooner than my credit could repair it self so I could do it with no $ down. Some odd ends my side couldn't hold up kept me from finishing the deal as the owner and I was rushed out my last month of living there. I did all I could but there was still tons of work that needed to be done before it could be showed. Terry and his crew slaved away for a few weeks and it paid off I hear, but the details of that event put and even bigger rift between me and what used to be my best of friends.
Since then he and (e:Terry) have become quite good friends stronger even than he and I ever could have been, which honestly made me very happy for him. I can't tell you how many circles of friends I'd tried to introduce him to unsuccessfully. Hmmm, last (e:Terry) spoke of him around christmas time it was as family which is kinda great. He's never had a family so large that cared so much. A detail that though you might consider harmless to hear but is something that I may be wise to keep to my selfâ€¦but I've abandoned most forms of what I thought was wisdom, they're not really working out for me so well.
So a failed friendship and a failed business venture added them selves to a year of doing alone what I used to only enjoy doing with the people I'm forbidden to see tonight and here I am. I hope this is the beginning of something brighter and more wonderful for everyone. Incudling me as now I'll attempt to go forth and find a new family. Casey has his now, Terry and Pauls have gotten bigger, and the world keeps spinning with or with out me.
I hope you all have fun tonight at this party. I'll be elsewhere likely not knowing if these words have sealed the deal on weather you'll ever see me again, but you'll be ok. I'm sure you will. So will I. The saddest part of all of this is that there's new Star Wars movies to talk about, and no one to really hear what I have to say.
Location: Buffalo, NY
Last Modified: 11/02/12 07:20