buy my carpet!


cheap!

Where are all the Bullet fucking trains??

FUCK

I very clearly remember reading in Weekly Reader that we would have Mag mutherfucking Lev trains in the future!





Dammit where the fuck is my futuristic mass transportation?!




My morning commute is really long. Too long, but thats not the point. The point is that I think we're short a few bullet trains here shooting down the lakeshore at Bullet Speed.
What about that bullet train tax we paid in the 1990's?


In all seriousness, we're pissing our future away, away down our gas tanks. Why so much gas?

Fucking gas to go to the store for milk, gas around some more to pick up the kids, gas over to the gym. Gas to sit at red lights in Amherst and gas to show Wally how good you are at brake-stands.

Gas to fucking cart around a GIANT vehicle, filled with air, fucking leather seats, and your 110 lb carcass.


We need more bullet trains fucking now.

Bullet trains could be a non-scumbag, yet not-totally-gentrified mass transportation that our fore founders popped boners over. Think about how cool!
OK if you can't think about how cool that would be, think about if Apple or Gatorade or Nike did a commercial about bullet trains!
There you go, now you get the idea!


BULLET TRAIN FAQ

[Q1] Buffalo allready has a few modes of mass transportation, the metro bus and the metro rail. The ridership is pretty low, why do you think people would ride a bullet train?


[A1] Wait, did you hear what I fucking said? Bull-let Traaayne.
Bullet Trains are way more cool and lethal than busses or shitty subways. Did you know that if a Bullet Train and a city bus both left Niagara Square at 10AM, the Bullet Train could kick 68% more ass?


[Q2] Japan has a very niche set of constraints, both economic and physical, that make bullet trains a viable transporation option. Without these constraints, what makes the bullet train a viable solution.

[A2]

A college roomate of mine is getting married in June.

His bachelor party was Sat. No need to go on in detail about that, except that I have finally figured out how to have fun at strip clubs.

Seriously, this was the first time I didn't hate a trip to a strip club.
(Actually I was there with (2) bachelor parties: my roomie and some dudes I used to work with)


So anyways, the cool thing that happened was that we were hanging out at this dudes parents house before everyone went over for the party.
His dad plays the banjo, and me and him hung out for a good hour talking about the banjo.
I guess I never really appreciated the intricacies of the instrument. But Tex could do some relaly sick shit on the ol' 5-string.

And this also made me think about how much banjo music is in my life.
Which is pretty much nil.
Except for that 'Grateful Dawg' album, which is OK. But Tex said that David Grisam doesn't have cred within the banjo playing community.

I think I'm going to stop drinking.



In like 35 years.

Wed night was the game, and that was fun.
I walked down the block to Faherty's.
Its fun in there when its packed. You end up meeating a lot of different people.


Anyways I wonder how drunk I was last night, because I remember doing some stupid/strange things.

I went with some girls down to Mothers, on Virginia. I don't ever remember how I Met them, I think I just asked if I could go with them.
(this is wierd, because they were all hot, and I think I would usually be intimidated by a group of hot cool girls)

We hung out there for a while, then we all got set to go somewhere else. I started walking in front of the group then I just started running.

I ended up running all the way to New York Pizza. (what the fuck? running??)


At New York I ended up in the back, talking with some really drunk people. They gave me a yoohoo and topped it off from a big ol bottle of canadian club.

Then I started washing dishes there.



Goddamn it, this shit is too wierd. What the fuck is going on? Am I OK?


I really like summertime. I'm sitting here on my couch and my window is open and I can hear the street and the city I don't think there is anything more relaxing than this.

OK so time can hit in (3) ways.

[A] HAMSTER WHEEL.
This is when time just keeps wrapping back on itself.
You can keep going and going, but the faster you go, the faster stuff repeats.
Tip: chill out in the hamster wheel, read good books, get enough sleep, and enjoy the scenery cause the ride sucks sometimes.

[B] CHUTES & LADDERS.
Similar to [A], but different topology.
It doesn't matter where you are on the ladder: theres always an eternity above and below you.
Consider: doesn't it ever seem weird to look back at, say, the 1950's and check out what they thought was ultra-modern. A lot of it seems ultra-silly now, but trust me, we (2000's) are going to look dang ridiculous in 60 years. Such is life on chutes & ladders.
Tip: chill out in the hamster wheel, read good books, get enough sleep, and enjoy the scenery cause the ride sucks sometimes.

[C] WAVE OF MUTILATION
Ever feel like you're on the nosecone of a rocket hurtling through space(time)? My friend you are riding on the wave of the future. There is no AAA guide to where you are going.
Welcome to the frontier....of the future!




Right so thing about the above. I might not be a good writer (or explainer) but I think that helps describe a lot of stuff about the human condition. We can expand upon that at a later date.


I want to close tonight in saying that I am pretty sure that the blue-jean pant is to the human ass as the electric guitar is to rock and roll.



Think about it.

I had a dream last night about a bird woman.

Actually it was a bird (like an ostrich? or maybe another flightless bird) that became anthropomorphic and kept changing into a lady.


At first I was on the floor and afraid of being trampled by the giant bird lady, but as she became more human, she grew a female ass.

I started to work on her, but she turned around. With a big beak head.

Then I woke up and realized I was late for work.

One time, a few months ago, I was at a popular local bar with a friend. (Coles)

She got me a drink, it was supposed to be a White Russian.
But the dude got the container of milk mixed up with a container of orange juice.


To be honest, it was delicious.


I named the new drink the 'Orange Drool-ius'

She told me it was a wussy name.




I renamed it 'Plutonium & Lead' because "Plutonium and Lead would kick anyone's ass."

• Positivity***

It is a good thing that the Violent Femmes are playing in August at the Square.

Work is fun now that I don't hate my boss. We all laugh a lot more during the day now.

Band is forming. Writing stuff is power awesome. (incognito name = The CandyCane Stripers. Don't tell!)

Weekends for the summer are allready filling up with fun shit.

• Dumbness***

I am super fucking stupid.
Eg: Last week I needed to get more TP as I was on the reserve roll.
Fucking TP: its a very basic staple. Rather necessary, and when you get low you really shan't dawdle.
So I trucked down to the store, jamming out, thinking about stuff, and talking to people on the phone.
This was enough distraction for me to forget my original intention.

I came back to my place with Cool Whip (among other things) but no TP!
Fuck! I certainly did not require Cool Whip, nor anyother kind of Whip yet the one thing I did in fact require was not purchased! ERROR! If I was a goldfish I would be flushed down a toilet allready.


I am a dumb bastard with no concept of time. Not unlike a lobotomized cocker spaniel, I have no concept of 'tomorrow'.
Its always today in my balsa wood brain, and taxes, bills, laundry, etc can always be put of till 'tomorrow'.



Hit me with a bat.

holy shit I am so happy with the schedule for the Square this summer.



More at 11

Fuuuck, my boss finally got fired. He made it 3 months.

He was probably the perfect bad boss. He had no redeeming values.

Not only did he talk about his sexual shit, he went on in great detail. For hours. About the girl in HR he was fucking. In front of other HR people.

Dude had no technical knack. But he wouldn't admit it. (as a maintenance manager, you should know the difference between a Phillips screwdriver, and an allen wrench)

Also its not cool to make 'homo jokes' infront of the lesbian supervisor. Or poking the parts clerk in meetings. (The doodles you drew on her notepad though, you know, the ones that look like a Babysitter Club Monet - I'm probably going to laminate that and hang it on our fridge in the office)

So S

---

, ( I don't want to say his name! How about we say it started in St and ended in eve. This guy was my *starts in P, ends in et Peeve*), you are the most powerfully stupid mutherfucker I have ever worked for, and that puts you somewhere in a hall of fame (or at least a freakshow), because that is a group of brain surgeons that no mother could love.


In closing fuckface, I'll never forget this phonecall:

Shithead: HR heard your grandma died. They want to send you what you are.

me: huh?

Shithead: A FRUITBASKET!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA!!!

me:

Shithead: Laugh!!

me: what do you want?




Ah but what I wanted was for you to fall off a cliff, but this will have to do.

Stink you later Shithead.