I do.
I miss him.

It's been over a week since we had any contact. I've deleted him from my phone etc etc etc.... but I have to say, deep down I sort of thought I'd get a drunk dial or something. But no. It made me feel better to think that this is just as hard for him as it is for me, and that he misses me too... but... maybe I'm totally wrong.

I know he didn't always treat me right, and I deserve someone who does, blah blah blah...
But...
That doesn't make it any less sad.
And it's not like he's the only one that made any mistakes- I had my share.

Because at times it sucked, sure.
But it was also the happiest I've ever been.

And I'm really trying to 'be good', b/c during our last conversation, he warned me that it's up to me and 'how I handle this' to determine whether I go down as "great girl, sorry it didn't work out" vs "psycho ex, good riddance."

Blah.
I was going to write a whole big thing about match.com.... but now I don't feel like it.

I don't know why I'm randomly awake at 430. When I *need* to get up at 430 (i.e. almost every day) I can't, and now I'm up for no reason? Guess I'll try to go back to sleep.

:(

I guess I should know better, but i'm just astounded at how differently different news outlets report the news.

For example: NYTimes.com says Obama has 83 electoral votes, and McCain has 8. It shows NY as ZERO PERCENT reported (after all, the polls closed like ten minutes ago), and they haven't assigned it a color yet.

MSNBC on the other hand says it 195 to 85, and has given NY to Obama.

I mean it's just splitting hairs at this point, and I'm sure NYT will catch up to MSNBC with the same outcome- I just find it funny how different the two are.

Damn media elite...

Well, that was amazingly easy...

And I have to thank google maps... there's a "find your polling place" section now, and it led me to a link of 'helpful tips' that said 10-1130am and like 2-4pm are the less busy times to vote... I had been planning on getting up super early to go at 6, even though I have the day off...

But instead I went at 11, and there were 3 people in front of me. I was Voter 99 at my booth, but the other districts around me were in the 200-300 range. My landlord (who lives downstairs) said he went first thing, and there were 75 people in line in front of him.

In any case... I'm glad that was easy. I was expecting to wait for hours. :)

Now just to wait for the results.

So... a month or so ago I went to dinner with a bunch of people... met the woman sitting next to me for the first time, and spent most of the night commiserating over the fact that 'men suck'- she having recently been through a breakup, and myself on the verge.

There is also a friend of mine... who I have sort of always had a bit of a crush on... well he started dating someone... who at first I hated, just b/c she took him off the market. But then I actually got to know her a little, and realized I like her.

Well, since then, they've broken up. (her doing.)

And I felt like eating out. So I rounded up the woman from paragraph one, and the guy from paragraph two, and we went out to dinner. Intended as a 'friends go to dinner', but I also knew it had the potential to be an "all three of us just got dumped" bitch session.

So we went to Mulberry's for dinner. off off off the beaten path in Lackawanna, but delicious.

Then we were going to get an after dinner drink. But the other woman decided she had to get to bed. So the guy and I went for a drink. Which turned into a few. Including several random "hey I know you" moments for him- I forgot he's a bit of a local celebrity. I asked him "is that flattering, or annoying?" and he said the 'hey I know you, can I buy you a drink?' and a handshake is flattering. The drunken "let me tell you my life history by the way did i tell you you're amazing?" is annoying.

Anyway, so we had a couple drinks, and then hit the last bar, since he knows the bartender... and as we approached the door he said "oh and XX (the ex) is here." I said "is that good or bad?" (giving him a chance to back out since we hadn't opened the door yet) and he said "oh no it's fine." So we went in... said hi to her... ordered our beer... she then went outside... he had to follow her...

Ugh, how awkward!!! I mean, he and I have been friends for years. But I'm sure it looked strange from her end, to have him show up with just me, so soon after their breakup....

Hopefully I'm overreacting.

and drunken point #2- I hate this election.
I hate the fact that I am made to feel guilty if I am not super pro-Obama.
I am almost ashamed to admit that I do not want "GOBAMA!" stickers on my car.
I mean yeah he's black and that's amazing and revolutionary and all that... but does that in itself mean he's capable/prepared of running our country??
And then there's the added factor that NOT voting for him makes me look racist. there's more to it than race. Sure, he wants "change", but that's so easy to say....
I just don't know what to do. I don't LOVE Obama. I don't HATE McCain. But... Sarah Palin scares the bejeezus out of me. And the right wing republicans scare the crap out of me too, and I really don't want to be associated with them...

But have you noticed that anti-McCain jokes are totally ok and accepted, but if you dare criticize obama you are some racist bigot who thinks poor people should just die?

Part of me hopes that mccain wins just so the holier than thou obama fanatics will put a sock in it.

PART of me.

Ugh. This is why I avoid politics as much as possible.

Fuck. I really don't know what to do. Maybe I'll avoid the subject altogether and vote libertarian. Josh, Jason, where are you when I need you?

Peter made me realize I didn't post my pix from the party. There are only two, but here you go!

Hi everyone...
Good to see so many of you last night- sorry I had to duck out early. I had promised to meet some friends at Cozumel, and thought I would come back, and by 230, when I could no longer handle being the only sober one (I was on call), I didn't think you guys would still be going. Can't wait to see more pix! Did IMK every show??

Cozumel was ok... but it's "Dan's bar" so I was a little on edge all night. Plus no drinking. Plus... I'm just not really back to myself yet... or something. I'm not sure what it is, but my game is off. So I spent the whole night feeling invisible, and watching my friends get picked up left and right, which is a little depressing. I'm also a little sad that not ONE SINGLE person got my costume. I was a Drama Queen! One guy thought I was Burger King. Yeah dude.

And speaking of costumes...
I don't think storebought "slutty cop" costumes should even be allowed to ENTER costume contests, let alone win. I also don't think Sarah Palin or Michael Phelps should have been big winners, since that seemed to be about what ever 3rd person I saw was wearing.

But I *did* see a few good ones-
One girl was Kan Jam (disc golf), with two yellow circles that said KanJam on her boobs, and a big black can-thing around her waist, that said on the ass 'jam it in the slot and you win'. I don't know if she made it or bought it, but it was pretty clever. One guy was dressed up as... a scary dead nurse joker zombie? in a dress? I dunno. his name tag said "i believe in harvey dent" or something like that. Guess it was a batman thing? Either way, he creeped me out. A friend of mine was a sock monkey... it was pretty fantastic. And the unoriginal "doctor" costume. There were lots of those. Have to say, this is the first year in a while that no one has asked me to steal scrubs for them. maybe next year I'll go in REAL blood-spattered scrubs, and real white coat, complete with blood/coffee stains, and my name on it. Somehow I'm not sure that would be much fun. And then there was the usual gaggle of slutty girls. Slutty cops, slutty nurses, slutty beer wenches, slutty witches etc etc ad nauseum.



There was one girl wearing this weird outfit... a shimmery 'cape' and some silver shield, and a belt, and underwear over black tights, and lots of black eye makeup, and silver sparkly stuff in her hair... and an alien/baby (not sure which) pinned to her waist.... I finally asked what she was, and she said "Astro-girl" (or was it "Estro-girl" I'm not sure) "a super hero of my own creation." At one point her baby/alien fell on the floor - the nasty floor of the bar - and she picked it up and put it in her mouth. Ew. One guy was wearing a jacket and tie, very conservative/preppy looking... with a name tag on that said "wall street", and he had a little stuffed doll thing strapped to his pants... ('bent over'), and the doll's name tag said "my 401K"



Sock monkey and tooth fairy


The aqua teens. Love it!


And the absolute best costume EVER: the yip yip aliens from sesame street.

making up for lost time I guess...

Or procrastinating. One or the other.

First- Trying to upload a new user sound. (seems I still have sufjan christmas music on there...) The new song is "Each Year" is by Ra Ra Riot. Just discovered them. Like 'em a lot. Very Vampire Weekend-ish.

I would also like to know....
How come they can completely re-pave a big chunk of 198, from start to finish, in like two days this summer, and yet it's been like 5 months now and while Bailey Ave finally has asphalt down, they still haven't painted lines? It's pretty ridiculous. I just figured "wow, this project takes a long time" until they did 198 super fast and made it clear that it CAN be done quickly if they choose to.

This morning I was driving to a meeting at South Campus... and there was a guy on the corner of Bailey and Winspear... at first I thought he was trying to catch the bus. Then after he jumped in and out of the street a few times, I realized he was just plain old crazy. (like, mentally ill for real. Not just "wow, he's c-razy!")

He was running up and down the side of the street, using a banana like a telephone and talking into it. And then he started walking up to (moving) cars and holding the banana out to them, as if they had a call.
It was funny... but pretty sad to see at the same time.

There's a similar guy that's often on the corner of Elmwood and Forest... older black guy... salt and pepper beard... usually wearing a sportcoat... often yelling at traffic and shaking his fist. Then I saw him in the ER at ECMC one day. His name is Sylvester. Apparently he takes an ambulance to the ER every day, complains that his feet hurt, asks for a box lunch and two vicodin, and bus tokens to get back downtown, and does it again the next day. Everyone in the ER just knows him and is like "oh hey sylvester how's it going".

Not exactly an efficient use of healthcare dollars if you ask me. I mean clearly the guy needs help, but... there has to be a better way.

And on that note... I'm going to go try to get me a flu shot.

Well I'm going to tell it anyway.

First a little work story...
So today I went to clinic. I was seeing the chairman's patients. Ooh la la. I've never done that before.
So I went in to see this one guy... a new patient. 80 years old. Two years out from a Whipple. Just moved to town and needs a new doc.

A whipple is an operation done for pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic ca is bad bad bad. So to be two years out is pretty amazing.

But so before I went in to see him, I read his chart. He had filled out the little questionnaire, and for 'occupation' it said retired. For spouse occupation it said retired RN.

So I went in... chatted with him... took his history... examined him... chit-chatted. I wouldn't say I dumbed stuff down, but I tried to avoid medical jargon- the way I always do. But he seemed like a pretty smart, well-informed patient. And his wife was a nurse, etc. They asked good questions, etc.

So I'm all done, and go to leave, and as I'm walking out, out of curiosity, I ask "so what kind of work did you do before you retired?"

He chuckled, and said "I'm a general surgeon."

Doh!!!

At least I didn't treat him like an idiot. (and actually, when I took the chairman in to meet him, he (the pt) told him (the chairman) what a great job I'd done. Aw, yay!)

Ok, but my real story...

So a year or so ago, this guy emailed me on myspace. We went back and forth a little, he was a good writer and really funny, so we went on I think two dates. Great guy, but just not really any spark. So be it.

Well... a couple months later, a friend (more accurately, a friend's roommate who I don't know ALL that well) emailed me on myspace... she said that this guy had asked her out, and she saw that I was his friend, and wanted to know the scoop. I said what the hell, go for it. that was a year ago. Fast forward: they have moved in together, and she says he is perfect for her and she is "totally going to marry this boy". Awww! I love feeling even partially responsible for that.

But so here's where it gets funny.

A few days ago some other guy emails me. We're going back and forth. I start to realize we probably have some friends in common (shocking, right? heh). So I start asking around... Ask my friend (the one whose roommate is living with the guy she asked me about...), he says "oh yeah I know that guy- he's a good guy. But you should really ask my roommate- she dated him for 7 years."

Whoa! So now it's my turn to write to her and ask her if I should go on a date with this guy.

Only in Buffalo, I swear. :)

OMG OMG just got a new baby pic. WTF, she's like super playful and interactive now? last time I saw her (sunday) all she did was sleep.
Too cute! Time to get cracking on her costume! ;)

Helloooo.

Pardon my extended absence. I hope you haven't all forgotten me. :)
I finally have something to write about, I think... But I must admit I have a little anxiety about having almost four months of other people's journals to catch up on. So forgive me for being out of the loop. But maybe one benefit is that my blog-stalkers will have given up on me. I'm sure Dan doesn't read anymore...

This may not be the full post I wanted to do (but maybe it will, who knows)- but I wanted to get something in before halloween. So that if I make it to the party (debatable since I think I'm on call...) I won't be a total stranger. And hell, maybe I can be the 25Kth post!

So... it seems that last time I wrote, I was in the throes of a breakup. Well, not much has changed since then. I think said breakup is actually official as of last night. (when I was told that 'friends is not working out, so please don't ever call/text/email/facebook (think about/dream of/look at/accidentally be in the vicinity of/etc) me, or anyone I know, ever again. Goodbye forever. Click.') This was after I told him that I'd done a lot of thinking and loved him and really wanted to make things work blah blah.

Ouch. I'm sad, but maybe in time I'll see the bright side. Right now I definitely don't.

Sadly, the last 4 months can be summed up in a few lines...
worked... got back together.... worked... broke up again.... worked.... was hopeful and elated.... worked... was heartbroken.

Wash, rinse, repeat. Not much else to report.

Until...

Last week I was on vacation. I went down to virginia to see my sister, who was due on 10/30. We had a spa day planned in Williamsburg, which is about an hour from her house. We were going to go get massages, get our nails did, etc, then go out to dinner, then spend the night watching movies and drinking hot chocolate at her in-laws' condo. Spend the night, go outlet shopping the next morning, and then head home just in time for her OB appointment in the afternoon.

So... we went to the spa. It was lovely and pampering. Then we went to dinner. Also lovely. Then back to the condo... Got into our PJs and settled in to a DVD, when she says 'um, Al... I'm having these... pains? They start in my back and wrap around to my stomach, kind of a squeezing feeling.... they're about ten minutes apart and getting stronger. Do you think it's just indigestion?" Since we were an hour away from the hospital (and her husband) we decided to drive back. So I'm driving 80, and she's huffing and puffing in the front seat... My mom is freaking out that I'm going to have to deliver a baby on the side of the road and is asking if I have a shoelace to tie the cord... Finally she's like "I think you can go faster.... this may be the only time in your life you can use the "lady having a baby" excuse if you get pulled over." I realized she had a good point, and started flying. I was almost hoping I'd get pulled over, because I started imagining the cops giving us some grand motorcade-style escort, with lights and sirens, all the way to the hospital. I then decided that even if that didn't happen, I would tell people it did. ;)

By the time we got to the hospital, she was no longer willing to park with me and walk in, and wanted to be dropped off at the ER. Her doting husband was waiting at the ER door with her bag, and they rushed in while I parked. I then marched up, fully expecting to go right in, and they said "ok have a seat in the waiting room and the nurse will give you an update in a bit."

WHAT? But... but... I'm her sister.... and a doctor... But I didn't play the doctor card. Figured it's their moment, I'll let them have it.

So, I sat in the waiting room. Her in-laws showed up. The three of us waited. Finally the nurse came out... we asked "are we having a baby are we having a baby???" she laughed and said "not tonight, she's only 2cm." (which I'm sure pissed my sister off.... I'm sure she thought she would be 9 by the time she got there. Bet she was pissed to learn she had a long way to go...) So, at 1am her husband sent us home to get some sleep.

So at 7:15 I got a text from her husband "things are getting hectic". omg omg omg!! Quick, get dressed, feed the dog, get in the car, oh right, shoes! oh right, keys! etc etc. Get to the hospital at 8... she's there, much happier now that she has an epidural... Husband tells me I can stay for labor, but will have to leave for delivery. I'm a little surprised (and mad and hurt- I mean, I'm a doctor! and her sister!) but again, let them have their moment. The nurse came in, did a little exam, and started explaining pushing. I thought she was just getting prepared... I asked about the exam, and the nurse said 'oh, you're complete.' So she got the doctor to come in for a check... and five pushes later, BABY GIRL!!! Seriously, 6cm to baby in like 40 minutes. Not bad for a first-timer.

So, it happened so fast they didn't get to kick me out. (ha HA!) And I took about a million pictures. Amazing how different she looked over a matter of hours. Actually a little ugly at first (don't tell anyone I said that!) to absolutely precious a few days later.

so we made all sorts of phone calls.... everyone cried... (I was glad to not be alone in that). In laws arrived... Mom booked her flight...

So we spent the next two days in and out of the hospital... She was scheduled to come home at 11am on saturday, perfect since my flight was at five... But the pediatrician on call was totally MIA, and I had to leave for the airport before they got home. But... then my flight got delayed 6 hours, and I couldn't have made my connections, so... I spend another night. I had been looking forward to driving straight to Dan's from the airport and surprising him and jumping into his arms and telling him how much I missed him and having this big romantic homecoming... But... another night with the baby was pretty great too. :) Made it home sunday... went straight to dan's work, which was not the same. he was busy and crabby. Then later that night had the discussion referenced above. Lovely.

And... that just about brings you up to speed in the glamorous and exciting life of Miss Jenks. :)

Random tidbit- they were going to name the baby Jenks if it was a boy. But, she wasn't.

But here are "a few" pix. (ha!) Most of which are from my phone, so forgive the less than stellar quality.


Looking just about 9 months pregnant...


The adorable nursery.


Complete with adorable sheets.


And lots of toys.


Including this crazy thing handmade by her friend.






Right when I got to the hospital, about 0810.


And... here she is! Still all bloody and waxy. 0848.


About five minutes old here. Not looking her best. But still, of course, the most gorgeous baby I've ever seen.



Stealing Dad's heart at first glance...


The perk of being behind the camera, is that you can't tell that I'm crying more than Dad. But I still think this is about the sweetest picture I've ever seen.



Meeting Mom for the first time, who is also crying.


First kiss. (nice manicure, huh?)


Getting cuter...


Meeting grandma...


Giving us all the stink-eye...


Meeting her MOSTEST FAVORITEST aunt.


And a little family portrait.


First bath... Much cuter with the blood and goo out of her hair. (and can we talk about that hair?!)


Love this pic. A much-too-big, hospital-issue, volunteer-knit, hat.




And by this point (day 2), officially the cutest baby on Earth. :)

I miss her already.

It sucked. pardon the play-by-play, but this is a (partial) log from my pager.

0430 alarm goes off
0500 actually get out of bed
0540 go to work
0600 round on my patients
0900 done with rounds and morning work, decided to go eat breakfast
0905 order breakfast
0906 cancel breakfast order b/c some lady slit her wrists with a plastic knife and needs to be seen
1030 try again for breakfast
1031 cancel breakfast again b/c patient is bleeding from dialysis catheter
1130 first call to ER- guy shot in the knee, bullet is stuck in his ankle. Does not need OR- yet. needs to be checked every 30 min.
1330 now he needs OR. Go slice his leg open to release swelling
~1600 small amount of free time, manage to eat granola bar for lunch
1658 called to ER for guy who flipped ATV and broke his spine. Admit to floor.
1801 called to ER (though we never left) for guy whose wife ran him down with the car- has a brain injury. Admit to ICU.
1924 called to ER for nasty groin abscess- ends up being necrotizing fasciitis ('flesh-eating bacteria') and has to go to the OR ASAP.
2051 called to ER for 91 year old lady with bowel obstruction. Needs to be 'decompressed' i.e. tube in her butt to allow air/diarrhea to escape (explosively, all over me)
2303 called to ER for 18yo pedestrian hit by car. Has facial fractures. Does not need OR.
2339 called to ER to drain nasty infected foot wound
0008 called to ER for GSW to the abdomen. Kid was dying. Went to OR ASAP. Was not a GSW, but a stab wound. Bleeding to death from his liver. We saved him. :)
0010 DAN CALLED!!! But I couldn't answer. And he didn't leave a message. :( :(
0011 called to ER for GSW to BOTH legs. Does not need OR. Yet.
0316 called to ER for guy who broke ribs riding a dirt bike and has already been to 3 hospitals today, including in canada.
0418 called to ER for 24yo hit by car. Is in bad shape, needs to be on ventilator. Has shattered liver and kidney.
0445 called to ER for 17 yo whose foot was run over by a train. (what I thought were his shoelaces were actually the tendons of his foot/leg just flopping around. He lost his leg.)
0449 called to ER for 31 yo who had the shit beat out of him. Face is all crushed in, + brain injury, needs ventilator.

0600 new on call team finally arrives. thank god.
0730 finally almost done in ER, get to start daily work that should have been started at 0400.
0800 required by law to leave the hospital, but work is not done.
0940 finally leave hospital.
have to be back at 0800 tomorrow, and am on call again to do this all over on monday.

Notice "eat", "sleep" and "pee" are not anywhere in this schedule.

wow. that was the worst call I've had in a long time. Fucking trauma! I hate it! We were in the ER for about the last 10 hours straight. I especially like the times that we got two traumas within about 5 min of each other.

No one died though.... Except almost me when I was nearly falling asleep at the wheel on the way home.

And the one good thing- we had an amazing view of the fireworks. I could see like 3 different BIG sets going off at once, and whole bunch of little sets of fireworks.

Happy fourth all...
Yay for america, and our right to ride ATVs while high on coke etc etc etc.