well, I did it.

I had hoped that our little chat last night could let me 'end on a high note' or whatever.

but apparently that's not how he wants to play the game.

So, I am resisting the urge to say something nasty to him, and instead have removed him from my life as much as possible.

deleted him from my phone, and also all texts, recent calls, and voicemails. Will archive emails when I get home. It was very hard to delete all the "I love you" voicemails, but I did it.

Went to facebook and untagged him from all photos, and deleted everything I ever wrote on his wall, on his pictures, etc. Deleted him from my 'mob' on 'mob wars' (which is actually probably the only thing he MIGHT notice). Deleted all our mutual friends that are really just his friends, and finally blocked him from seeing my profile. Unfortunately i can't block myself from seeing his, but I'll just have to resist.

Short of that men in black mind zapper thing, that's all I can do.

I'm not trying to be vengeful and spiteful, but for my own sanity I need to close that chapter and move on.

Now if I can just lose the 20lb I gained while dating him, my life will be back on track. ;)

Oh and I finally got the pix to post in my previous post- check 'em out!

So... I'm in NYC, woohoo!!

My hotel room is very weird. It has a full kitchen.
And the wi-fi (which is NOT FREE) sucks ass. It keeps dropping the connection, and when it is connected, every third thing I click sends me back to the splash screen, and when it DOES connect successfully, it's like slower than dial-up. For example, two pix (one 43K and one 68K haven't uploaded in like 3 minutes.)

But I went to an awesome show last night- The Hold Steady *AND* The Drive-By Truckers. (pix below)

And I'm about to go meet (e:hodown) for drinks.

And... I've been talking to a cute boy... so that's all promising.

but...

I'm so mad at myself.

Today is (would be) Dan and my one year anniversary. So... of course he crossed my mind.

And I broke down and sent him a text. I have deleted him from my phone, but there are still texts I can respond to, b/c I just can't bring myself to delete it. It's every text we've exchanged since MARCH- there are 1500. I can't throw that away... it's all that's left of 'us'.

But I just said "we've known each other a year today. Hope you're doing well."

No "i love you" no 'i miss you' no 'happy anniversary' no 'call me'.

So the plan was to send that, and then delete it altogether, so that the only way I could contact him ever again would be if he responded.

I probably shouldn't have even sent that, but there's just no way I couldn't.

But that wasn't too bad.

The bad part is that... I called him. I think out of some weird morbid curiosity... I wanted to prove to myself that he wouldn't answer... so that would reinforce that he doesn't ever want to talk to me again, and to make it easier to delete him.

But... he answered.
Shit!!
and I didn't even know what to say. He was perfectly nice... asked how I'd been doing... i told him I'm in NYC. He made fun of me for calling HIM, where there are "so many more interesting people in NY" I said I just wanted to say hi... he said 'oh yeah I got your text'. And he said it was nice to hear from me, it had been a while. I said "well... you asked me never to talk to you again". And he just laughed. And then said he had to go since he was in a store. And I don't know if he said "good to talk to you" or "talk to you soon", but that was that.

Ughhh...

I shouldn't have done that.

I think I have to re-delete him.

And remember this potential new cute boy.

B/c I have been (HAD been) making progress on the Dan front.

I'm finally kind of accepting that no matter what his reasons are, and whether or not I like them, or agree with them, or even BELIEVE him- that I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. That's the bottom line. He says he doesn't want me. That should be all that matters. (But then he says he loves me, so that fucks it all up.)


ugh ugh ugh ugh

I suck

ok, time for drinks with (e:hodown), yay!

I do.
I miss him.

It's been over a week since we had any contact. I've deleted him from my phone etc etc etc.... but I have to say, deep down I sort of thought I'd get a drunk dial or something. But no. It made me feel better to think that this is just as hard for him as it is for me, and that he misses me too... but... maybe I'm totally wrong.

I know he didn't always treat me right, and I deserve someone who does, blah blah blah...
But...
That doesn't make it any less sad.
And it's not like he's the only one that made any mistakes- I had my share.

Because at times it sucked, sure.
But it was also the happiest I've ever been.

And I'm really trying to 'be good', b/c during our last conversation, he warned me that it's up to me and 'how I handle this' to determine whether I go down as "great girl, sorry it didn't work out" vs "psycho ex, good riddance."

Blah.
I was going to write a whole big thing about match.com.... but now I don't feel like it.

I don't know why I'm randomly awake at 430. When I *need* to get up at 430 (i.e. almost every day) I can't, and now I'm up for no reason? Guess I'll try to go back to sleep.

:(

I guess I should know better, but i'm just astounded at how differently different news outlets report the news.

For example: NYTimes.com says Obama has 83 electoral votes, and McCain has 8. It shows NY as ZERO PERCENT reported (after all, the polls closed like ten minutes ago), and they haven't assigned it a color yet.

MSNBC on the other hand says it 195 to 85, and has given NY to Obama.

I mean it's just splitting hairs at this point, and I'm sure NYT will catch up to MSNBC with the same outcome- I just find it funny how different the two are.

Damn media elite...

Well, that was amazingly easy...

And I have to thank google maps... there's a "find your polling place" section now, and it led me to a link of 'helpful tips' that said 10-1130am and like 2-4pm are the less busy times to vote... I had been planning on getting up super early to go at 6, even though I have the day off...

But instead I went at 11, and there were 3 people in front of me. I was Voter 99 at my booth, but the other districts around me were in the 200-300 range. My landlord (who lives downstairs) said he went first thing, and there were 75 people in line in front of him.

In any case... I'm glad that was easy. I was expecting to wait for hours. :)

Now just to wait for the results.

So... a month or so ago I went to dinner with a bunch of people... met the woman sitting next to me for the first time, and spent most of the night commiserating over the fact that 'men suck'- she having recently been through a breakup, and myself on the verge.

There is also a friend of mine... who I have sort of always had a bit of a crush on... well he started dating someone... who at first I hated, just b/c she took him off the market. But then I actually got to know her a little, and realized I like her.

Well, since then, they've broken up. (her doing.)

And I felt like eating out. So I rounded up the woman from paragraph one, and the guy from paragraph two, and we went out to dinner. Intended as a 'friends go to dinner', but I also knew it had the potential to be an "all three of us just got dumped" bitch session.

So we went to Mulberry's for dinner. off off off the beaten path in Lackawanna, but delicious.

Then we were going to get an after dinner drink. But the other woman decided she had to get to bed. So the guy and I went for a drink. Which turned into a few. Including several random "hey I know you" moments for him- I forgot he's a bit of a local celebrity. I asked him "is that flattering, or annoying?" and he said the 'hey I know you, can I buy you a drink?' and a handshake is flattering. The drunken "let me tell you my life history by the way did i tell you you're amazing?" is annoying.

Anyway, so we had a couple drinks, and then hit the last bar, since he knows the bartender... and as we approached the door he said "oh and XX (the ex) is here." I said "is that good or bad?" (giving him a chance to back out since we hadn't opened the door yet) and he said "oh no it's fine." So we went in... said hi to her... ordered our beer... she then went outside... he had to follow her...

Ugh, how awkward!!! I mean, he and I have been friends for years. But I'm sure it looked strange from her end, to have him show up with just me, so soon after their breakup....

Hopefully I'm overreacting.

and drunken point #2- I hate this election.
I hate the fact that I am made to feel guilty if I am not super pro-Obama.
I am almost ashamed to admit that I do not want "GOBAMA!" stickers on my car.
I mean yeah he's black and that's amazing and revolutionary and all that... but does that in itself mean he's capable/prepared of running our country??
And then there's the added factor that NOT voting for him makes me look racist. there's more to it than race. Sure, he wants "change", but that's so easy to say....
I just don't know what to do. I don't LOVE Obama. I don't HATE McCain. But... Sarah Palin scares the bejeezus out of me. And the right wing republicans scare the crap out of me too, and I really don't want to be associated with them...

But have you noticed that anti-McCain jokes are totally ok and accepted, but if you dare criticize obama you are some racist bigot who thinks poor people should just die?

Part of me hopes that mccain wins just so the holier than thou obama fanatics will put a sock in it.

PART of me.

Ugh. This is why I avoid politics as much as possible.

Fuck. I really don't know what to do. Maybe I'll avoid the subject altogether and vote libertarian. Josh, Jason, where are you when I need you?

Peter made me realize I didn't post my pix from the party. There are only two, but here you go!

Hi everyone...
Good to see so many of you last night- sorry I had to duck out early. I had promised to meet some friends at Cozumel, and thought I would come back, and by 230, when I could no longer handle being the only sober one (I was on call), I didn't think you guys would still be going. Can't wait to see more pix! Did IMK every show??

Cozumel was ok... but it's "Dan's bar" so I was a little on edge all night. Plus no drinking. Plus... I'm just not really back to myself yet... or something. I'm not sure what it is, but my game is off. So I spent the whole night feeling invisible, and watching my friends get picked up left and right, which is a little depressing. I'm also a little sad that not ONE SINGLE person got my costume. I was a Drama Queen! One guy thought I was Burger King. Yeah dude.

And speaking of costumes...
I don't think storebought "slutty cop" costumes should even be allowed to ENTER costume contests, let alone win. I also don't think Sarah Palin or Michael Phelps should have been big winners, since that seemed to be about what ever 3rd person I saw was wearing.

But I *did* see a few good ones-
One girl was Kan Jam (disc golf), with two yellow circles that said KanJam on her boobs, and a big black can-thing around her waist, that said on the ass 'jam it in the slot and you win'. I don't know if she made it or bought it, but it was pretty clever. One guy was dressed up as... a scary dead nurse joker zombie? in a dress? I dunno. his name tag said "i believe in harvey dent" or something like that. Guess it was a batman thing? Either way, he creeped me out. A friend of mine was a sock monkey... it was pretty fantastic. And the unoriginal "doctor" costume. There were lots of those. Have to say, this is the first year in a while that no one has asked me to steal scrubs for them. maybe next year I'll go in REAL blood-spattered scrubs, and real white coat, complete with blood/coffee stains, and my name on it. Somehow I'm not sure that would be much fun. And then there was the usual gaggle of slutty girls. Slutty cops, slutty nurses, slutty beer wenches, slutty witches etc etc ad nauseum.



There was one girl wearing this weird outfit... a shimmery 'cape' and some silver shield, and a belt, and underwear over black tights, and lots of black eye makeup, and silver sparkly stuff in her hair... and an alien/baby (not sure which) pinned to her waist.... I finally asked what she was, and she said "Astro-girl" (or was it "Estro-girl" I'm not sure) "a super hero of my own creation." At one point her baby/alien fell on the floor - the nasty floor of the bar - and she picked it up and put it in her mouth. Ew. One guy was wearing a jacket and tie, very conservative/preppy looking... with a name tag on that said "wall street", and he had a little stuffed doll thing strapped to his pants... ('bent over'), and the doll's name tag said "my 401K"



Sock monkey and tooth fairy


The aqua teens. Love it!


And the absolute best costume EVER: the yip yip aliens from sesame street.

making up for lost time I guess...

Or procrastinating. One or the other.

First- Trying to upload a new user sound. (seems I still have sufjan christmas music on there...) The new song is "Each Year" is by Ra Ra Riot. Just discovered them. Like 'em a lot. Very Vampire Weekend-ish.

I would also like to know....
How come they can completely re-pave a big chunk of 198, from start to finish, in like two days this summer, and yet it's been like 5 months now and while Bailey Ave finally has asphalt down, they still haven't painted lines? It's pretty ridiculous. I just figured "wow, this project takes a long time" until they did 198 super fast and made it clear that it CAN be done quickly if they choose to.

This morning I was driving to a meeting at South Campus... and there was a guy on the corner of Bailey and Winspear... at first I thought he was trying to catch the bus. Then after he jumped in and out of the street a few times, I realized he was just plain old crazy. (like, mentally ill for real. Not just "wow, he's c-razy!")

He was running up and down the side of the street, using a banana like a telephone and talking into it. And then he started walking up to (moving) cars and holding the banana out to them, as if they had a call.
It was funny... but pretty sad to see at the same time.

There's a similar guy that's often on the corner of Elmwood and Forest... older black guy... salt and pepper beard... usually wearing a sportcoat... often yelling at traffic and shaking his fist. Then I saw him in the ER at ECMC one day. His name is Sylvester. Apparently he takes an ambulance to the ER every day, complains that his feet hurt, asks for a box lunch and two vicodin, and bus tokens to get back downtown, and does it again the next day. Everyone in the ER just knows him and is like "oh hey sylvester how's it going".

Not exactly an efficient use of healthcare dollars if you ask me. I mean clearly the guy needs help, but... there has to be a better way.

And on that note... I'm going to go try to get me a flu shot.

Well I'm going to tell it anyway.

First a little work story...
So today I went to clinic. I was seeing the chairman's patients. Ooh la la. I've never done that before.
So I went in to see this one guy... a new patient. 80 years old. Two years out from a Whipple. Just moved to town and needs a new doc.

A whipple is an operation done for pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic ca is bad bad bad. So to be two years out is pretty amazing.

But so before I went in to see him, I read his chart. He had filled out the little questionnaire, and for 'occupation' it said retired. For spouse occupation it said retired RN.

So I went in... chatted with him... took his history... examined him... chit-chatted. I wouldn't say I dumbed stuff down, but I tried to avoid medical jargon- the way I always do. But he seemed like a pretty smart, well-informed patient. And his wife was a nurse, etc. They asked good questions, etc.

So I'm all done, and go to leave, and as I'm walking out, out of curiosity, I ask "so what kind of work did you do before you retired?"

He chuckled, and said "I'm a general surgeon."

Doh!!!

At least I didn't treat him like an idiot. (and actually, when I took the chairman in to meet him, he (the pt) told him (the chairman) what a great job I'd done. Aw, yay!)

Ok, but my real story...

So a year or so ago, this guy emailed me on myspace. We went back and forth a little, he was a good writer and really funny, so we went on I think two dates. Great guy, but just not really any spark. So be it.

Well... a couple months later, a friend (more accurately, a friend's roommate who I don't know ALL that well) emailed me on myspace... she said that this guy had asked her out, and she saw that I was his friend, and wanted to know the scoop. I said what the hell, go for it. that was a year ago. Fast forward: they have moved in together, and she says he is perfect for her and she is "totally going to marry this boy". Awww! I love feeling even partially responsible for that.

But so here's where it gets funny.

A few days ago some other guy emails me. We're going back and forth. I start to realize we probably have some friends in common (shocking, right? heh). So I start asking around... Ask my friend (the one whose roommate is living with the guy she asked me about...), he says "oh yeah I know that guy- he's a good guy. But you should really ask my roommate- she dated him for 7 years."

Whoa! So now it's my turn to write to her and ask her if I should go on a date with this guy.

Only in Buffalo, I swear. :)

OMG OMG just got a new baby pic. WTF, she's like super playful and interactive now? last time I saw her (sunday) all she did was sleep.
Too cute! Time to get cracking on her costume! ;)