Ugh.
I wish I could NOT be such a pushover sometimes...

I am on call this weekend. That means friday, saturday, and sunday. 24hr/day. Which screws me over a little to start, but it's luck of the draw and it was my 'turn' and so I'll just suck it up and deal.

Then I start at a new hospital monday.

I called them two weeks ago and asked "can I please NOT be on call monday 9/4. 1- because I'd like a day to get settled in the new hospital, and 2- because i'm already on call fri/sat/sun."

So the schedule came out- I am on call tues.
Perfect. Still have to work monday, but not overnight.
So I made plans based on this schedule.

In order for me to not work mon, they switched me with someone, who is my sernior.

Well he called me yesterday... "hey... just saw the schedule... they didn't ask me about it when they made it, and so I didn't know I was on monday, and I made plans, so I can't do it, so you have to."

And I said "well i'm already working fri/sat/sun" and he said "well you'll have to get someone to trade with you."

I asked today.

No one will trade. Why would they? It's a long holiday weekend... they made plans too.

So now I feel like I'm stuck.

I mean it's just one more call... not the end of the world... but still- why should I just have to be the one to be screwed?

Esp b/c they guy doing the screwing is apparently known for always screwing everyone.

I should just say "i'm sorry, but that's the schedule that's been submitted. I'm sorry you didn't check it before making your plans. But I have plans too. Sorry I can't help you." and make him change his plans. Unfortunately, I don't think I could ever say that. Instead I say "ok... well... i'll see what i can do... if i have to do it, i have to do it..." Is that "team player", or is that "doormat"?

the thing is, he is my senior. I don't want to piss him off on day one and have him make the next six weeks miserable for me. Also his plans (which include plane tickets) are maybe more important than mine (doctor's appt.)

But on the other hand... I shouldn't just let people walk all over me. My time is just as impt as his- I am the one that's playing by the rules- I checked the schedule before setting things up.

I guess the bottom line is that I can never say no to anyone. I'm afraid of upsetting them, so I always take all this shit on myself.
And that sucks. And I need to stand up for myself once in a while.

-J

Ok, so, um-
WHERE THE FUCK DID THE SUMMER GO?
it's almost labor day weekend!
Last time I checked it was June.
I have done NOTHING summery.
Have barely been outside. Have not been to the beach, or on the water. Have not done anything cool and warm and fun.
LAME!
Not that I haven't had some fun nights, but my god, where did the time go.
This chill in the air is making me sad.
I like fall, but I'm just not QUITE ready for it.

Next thought- I'm hoping you guys can help me restore my faith in men...
so today this guy at work was talking about this girl that he just went on vacation with... apparently they used to date seriously but now he's here and it's long distance... but he was talking about how great she is. How he thinks she's beautiful, they're attracted to each other, he loves spending time with her, she's funny and smart, he respects her, etc. He said she has "serious marriage potential". Sounds great, right? I asked what the problem is... he said aside from distance, it's that "it could get serious". I asked why that was bad, and he said he didn't want to hurt her. I said "huh?" and he said "well... I'm torn between really caring for her- and wanting to womanize and sleep with as many women as possible."

HUH???

I almost couldn't believe he was willing to tell me this. (though he did ask me the other day for my advice on how to pick up a toll collector.)

But he went on... he said that he used to attract hot girls, when he was young and thin. Now he's a little paunchier, greyer, etc. But he said he's found that now that he's a doc, he's getting cute girls again... and he said with every year he advances in his career, the girls get hotter and hotter... so he's seriously not sure if he should EVER get married, b/c in a few years he thinks he'll be bagging supermodels.

I asked "well doesn't all that great stuff about this girl count for something? Wouldn't you rather have SOME connection than just "a lot of hot ass?"

And he had to think for a sec, and said "i don't think so."

WTF!

Please tell me guys... is this how all guys think???

And my last tidbit-
I find this a little bit amusing... maybe b/c it hits close to home...
though I must say it's a weird advertising campaign- I'm not sure what demographic they're trying to appeal to...
But it's smirnoff's new "prepsta" (prep+gangsta) campaign for "Raw Tea".
Check out the video- And the "playa handbook" includes such gems as "your money's so new it's got ben franklin's baby picture on it!" Ooh, SNAP!

Ok, I think that's about it for now...
Time for some food, since I finally went grocery shopping for the first time in months. :)

-J

Sorry I missed the party.
Especially seeing that I could have met (e:southernyankee) , (e:flacidness) , (e:kookcity2000) , (e:carolinian) ... And it sounds like a bunch of others too.

But it's my own damn fault. I was feeling antisocial and unloved and spent the night on my couch feeling sorry for myself, eating thai takeout so hot it made my nose run.

Somehow that doesn't make anything better.

I had the whole weekend off- might be the last time that happens for, oh, the whole year. :(
I went out friday night... was attended to by a boy... which felt nice... and we danced all over the place which was a blast... but all night all I kept thinking was "he's not the one I want." :(
I hate this feeling. I wish it would stop hurting.

Today checked out the art fest... seemed a lot like allentown. Didn't buy anything...

And my favorite (only) jeans got a big hole in them... Means I have to go to the mall. I don't really like going to the mall, and I ESPECIALLY hate jeans shopping. But since pretty soon it will no longer be skirt weather, I guess I have to do it...

Oh, and I finished my application, and turned it in friday. (along with a $1200 application fee. Man, that check was hard to write...) Hopefully things will work out. And thanks (but no thanks!) for the essay suggestions. I felt like the questions were biased- i.e. if you didn't say you wanted to go into academics and contribute a lot via research, you were at a disadvantage. But I did say that my dad got me interested in plastics (and why), that I want to go into private practice, but still work with resident/students sometimes, that I want to contribute by teaching the next generation of residents NOT to be assholes, and that I admire my chairman b/c he's not an asshole.

and since I've been neglecting estrip for a few days, here's a random comment roundup-

(e:imk2) CONGRATS on the job!! When I am back at BGH/Roswell this year (actually I'm back at BGH starting 9/4) we'll all have to have lunch!

(e:theecarey) congrats on finishing all your work, and the new job!

(e:mike) and (e:terry) Happy Birthday!!

(e:PMT) congrats again on the house... I'll come see it next time I promise!

(e:ladycroft) did you go to J5?? How was it?

umm I think that's it.

Oh, well here's one last thing.
This article pisses me off. Not especially well written, but annoying nonetheless, especially since it made national "news"-

(for those who don't want to click the link- it's an opinion piece from Forbes, in which some guy advises men NOT to marry women with careers.)
Great... just what I needed... I already have enough trouble being called nurse... now I'm unmarriageable? I guess I'm supposed to be barefoot in the kitchen...

oh and more random news- pluto is no longer a planet! It is now a dwarf planet. Someone said it will cost $23 million to rewrite the textbooks.
actually that reminds me- Paul what happened to the news feeds?

ok... off to eat leftovers.

-J

Ok, since I promised a happier post (and since I'm procrastinating, and just saw Terry's new user sound (which I love))-

I will just say-

Ratatat rocks.
My user sound is Wildcat.
I love the roaring sounds in it.

And from Gather, here is "promiscuous wildcat" - the song above, mixed with nelly furtado/timbaland- 0142677001156385500

I'm also feeling mildly cool tonight-
A while ago Chase, my brother in law, sent me a cd by a band called TV on the Radio.
They're pretty cool.
But my self-proclaimed music snob friend here dismisses them saying he's never heard of them... so they're no one...

Like i care what he thinks, but nonetheless-

I was watching tivo'd Entourage tonight, and who was on it? That's right buddy! TV on the Radio.

Oh.
my.
god.

Ok, so I know I've been writing about dogs all the time lately and maybe you're sick of hearing it and are thinking I'm the crazy dog-lady... I've always said I'm a "dog person" etc, but I haven't volunteered at shelters, etc. Had never REALLY thought about the plight of abandoned animals...

And then I started learning about it...

Now, it is pretty hard to make me feel sick- especially just with pictures.
But this has done it.

Be warned that these are horribly graphic and gross. Dogs shot, stabbed, starved, frozen, infested with bugs, dissected...
It's maybe the most horrible thing I've ever seen.

in case you didn't think NJ was a shithole- here's "the mean streets of camden". Don't say I didn't warn you. :(



(Ok, I promise I'll post something nice one of these days...)

This is the bane of my existence right now:

1. What caused you to become interested in plastic surgery?



2. What are your career plans and goals?



3. What do you hope to contribute to the field of plastic surgery during your career?



4. Think about a teacher or colleague who you admire a great deal. What about you is most like this person? Least like this person?

All 4 have to fit on one page. This is not a massive paper. I need to just sit down and do it.
I have been sitting on this for WEEKS.
It's terrible.
And it's important. I don't know why I can't make myself do it.

I wonder what would happen if I turned in:

1: my dad
2: not sure yet
3: i have no delusions of contributing much- i just want to be a community plastic surgeon, maybe work with my dad... not invent the next face transplant. Work is a means to an end... not an end in itself.
4:uggggghhhhhhh

All I've gotten down is one little paragraph for 1. Again it's a badly worded question. I'm sure what they want to know is "why do you want to be a plastic surgeon". But that's not what they asked.

instead... i check my email. listen to music. check estrip. read some message boards. work on my tan. do laundry. clean my bathtub (!!).

I don't have anything to write about anymore.
My only topic is off-limits.
I miss it/him.
I want my journal back.

Boo!

At least my internet is fixed. For now. Again.

Aww shucks...
Thanks for all the support guys.
Maybe you really *do* like reading about my soap opera.
Who'd've thunk it.

Just to clarify-
The assholes I am chastising are not from estrip (as far as I know!!).
And I am not going anywhere.
I am just not going to write about a certain crush anymore, since apparently some of the info is being used against him.
Why/how/by whom I have no idea...

And maybe one of these days if I have some time I can edit the posts I had to take down, and at least put the party pix etc back up...

Must say... this whole thing is infuriating... and a little scary...
I don't really like that I have to feel censored and have to watch my back b/c there are some psychos out there... I mean who could care less about my silly little gossip rag...
But apparently someone did.

Sigh...
I prefer my naive little corner of the world where jerks don't smear each other...

Ok, back to work!

-J

Why do you have to go and take a wonderful resource like the internet and use it to hurt people? And animals?

Anyone who would use my silly little journal as fodder to smear someone's name is truly petty. All I have to say is Fuck You.

-J

Sorry peeps. As much as I'm sure you all love hearing about my soap opera, I've taken it all down. You'll just have to ask me in private if you need a drama fix.

People can be awful.

:(

And time warner can bite me. My internet keeps dying on me. A guy came out yesterday and replaced my modem. And it's dead again today.

Ok, so I've been thinking a little, and wonder what you peeps think of this.

All my life I have been a "nice" person. But how nice is too nice?
What's the difference between "sweetheart" and "pushover?" Are they just two sides of the same thing?

I'll always remember one day in college.... I was friends with this group of mostly guys... And some of them were (are) selfish asses. But we were still all friends. That's just sort of how they were, and I just accepted it. They weren't always super-considerate of everyone- but sadly most people aren't. They would tell dirty jokes in front of me. Sometimes the jokes would be at my expense. I didn't care... I laughed right along. They did it to everyone. I think that's what friends do... I know they care about me... I know they meant no real harm... just good-natured ribbing... Then one day a (girl) friend of mine witnessed some of this... and she was so mad at me. Gave me this big lecture about standing up for myself and not letting them treat me like that... And for a while I felt bad. I thought maybe she was right... maybe I'm some big spineless wuss. But then I thought more about it... I thought I was "rolling with the punches", "being one of the guys", etc. She thought I was being a doormat and letting them walk all over me. I dunno... I'm not sure that laughing off a sexist joke rather than going all feminazi on my friends makes me a doormat... What do you think?

And I was thinking about this some more today. I will pretty much do anything for the people I care about. Even sometimes at my own expense. But I sort of think that's what friends are for.

But where do you draw the line?
I decided today that making other people happy really IS what makes me happy. To the point that sometimes them being happy means more to me than getting what I want. Is that wrong? Is it pathological? Or, if it does make me happy to see them happy, is it just fine?

For me- who I am with is usually more important to me than what I am doing. So when asked "what do you want to do?" I probably usually answer with "I don't care, what do you want to do?" Because I usually DON'T care. Spending time with other people and seeing them happy really DOES make me happy. Am I really being taken advantage of, if the act makes me happy?

I mean it's one thing if I force myself to do things I hate b/c I am afraid to say no... That isn't good. And if it's something I feel really strongly about- I'll speak up. But little stuff, like what movie to see, where to go for dinner... It doesn't really matter to me.

So I wonder... does that make me easygoing and happy-go-lucky? Or does it make me a passive unassertive masochistic doormat? Or does it depend on the circumstances... or is it in the eye of the beholder...

Hmmm

penny for your thoughts...

-J