Why do you have to go and take a wonderful resource like the internet and use it to hurt people? And animals?

Anyone who would use my silly little journal as fodder to smear someone's name is truly petty. All I have to say is Fuck You.

-J

Sorry peeps. As much as I'm sure you all love hearing about my soap opera, I've taken it all down. You'll just have to ask me in private if you need a drama fix.

People can be awful.

:(

And time warner can bite me. My internet keeps dying on me. A guy came out yesterday and replaced my modem. And it's dead again today.

Ok, so I've been thinking a little, and wonder what you peeps think of this.

All my life I have been a "nice" person. But how nice is too nice?
What's the difference between "sweetheart" and "pushover?" Are they just two sides of the same thing?

I'll always remember one day in college.... I was friends with this group of mostly guys... And some of them were (are) selfish asses. But we were still all friends. That's just sort of how they were, and I just accepted it. They weren't always super-considerate of everyone- but sadly most people aren't. They would tell dirty jokes in front of me. Sometimes the jokes would be at my expense. I didn't care... I laughed right along. They did it to everyone. I think that's what friends do... I know they care about me... I know they meant no real harm... just good-natured ribbing... Then one day a (girl) friend of mine witnessed some of this... and she was so mad at me. Gave me this big lecture about standing up for myself and not letting them treat me like that... And for a while I felt bad. I thought maybe she was right... maybe I'm some big spineless wuss. But then I thought more about it... I thought I was "rolling with the punches", "being one of the guys", etc. She thought I was being a doormat and letting them walk all over me. I dunno... I'm not sure that laughing off a sexist joke rather than going all feminazi on my friends makes me a doormat... What do you think?

And I was thinking about this some more today. I will pretty much do anything for the people I care about. Even sometimes at my own expense. But I sort of think that's what friends are for.

But where do you draw the line?
I decided today that making other people happy really IS what makes me happy. To the point that sometimes them being happy means more to me than getting what I want. Is that wrong? Is it pathological? Or, if it does make me happy to see them happy, is it just fine?

For me- who I am with is usually more important to me than what I am doing. So when asked "what do you want to do?" I probably usually answer with "I don't care, what do you want to do?" Because I usually DON'T care. Spending time with other people and seeing them happy really DOES make me happy. Am I really being taken advantage of, if the act makes me happy?

I mean it's one thing if I force myself to do things I hate b/c I am afraid to say no... That isn't good. And if it's something I feel really strongly about- I'll speak up. But little stuff, like what movie to see, where to go for dinner... It doesn't really matter to me.

So I wonder... does that make me easygoing and happy-go-lucky? Or does it make me a passive unassertive masochistic doormat? Or does it depend on the circumstances... or is it in the eye of the beholder...

Hmmm

penny for your thoughts...

-J

So a few things...

First of all- (e:libertad)- I think the ENVUS hummer definitely lives around the corner from me on Forest. It's parked there ALLL the time. So right or wrong, I kind of hate those people for driving a hummer. But as I was walking home tonight I noticed that they keep their dog CHAINED up in the front yard. Now I hate them even more. :(

Next- I am so juvenile.... This song came on my ipod in the car today... It's very bow-chikka-bowt-bowt porn-ish. My friends in college would play the boogie nights soundtrack, and these girls would always come complaining about this song. That it offended them. They would whine until Scott would go "oh ok fine!" and walk over to the stereo- and hit rewind, and just play it on repeat.
man we were funny. ;) Anyway, so for your listening pleasure I present a college flashback... Jungle Fever, by the Chakachas- from the Boogie Nights soundtrack.

and the best for last...
Just had a lovely dinner with Buffalo's newest additions- chico/chica! They're lovely. I approve. ;) I just hope their ears don't hurt from listening to me blab all night! :D

Bedtime, I think...

-J

But first, a good thing.
Maybe this "be friends" and "don't throw myself at him" is a good move... We're talking again... had a lovely weekend... I'm still getting kind of mixed messages, but I'm trying not to obsess... And then this morning he asked me out for dinner. But I have plans, so I said no. But it made me happy nonetheless.

And a question for you peeps... Another guy asked me out for dinner... I wouldn't mind going, he seems like an ok guy, but considering the mess my head/heart have been lately, I think it would be leading him on to accept a date. I know some people can date lots of people at once, but I just can't. And I would feel guilty if I were just using him for dinner, if I knew that I didn't want it to go anywhere. So I told him that. I said that I don't like to lead people on or hurt people's feelings and that I just wanted to come right out and say that I'm not sure how "emotionally available" I am right now- but if he's ok with that and still wants dinner, I'd be happy to. And he responded by saying "no offense, but I thought it might be nice to just get to know each other before I get too concerend about how 'emotionally available' you are or aren't." Touche...
So what do you guys think? Was it too presumptuous of me to bother saying anything to him? I was just trying to be honest, which is all I ever hope people will do for me...

Ok, but now to bitching...

So as you may or may not know, I am in the 4th year (of 5) of my general surgery residency. I am applying for a Plastic Surgery fellowship to follow this, which is another 2-3 years. Plastics has gotten super-competitive, and I'm not sure I have a chance in hell. (which probably means I should stop procrastinating on my personal statement, eh? God I hate those things...)

But this application process, aside from being difficult and stressful, is so damn expensive!!! I just took the third and final part of the medical licensing exam (and passed- THANK GOD)- That was $650 for the test, plus a plane ticket. When I apply for the actual license, depending on the state that will be $200-700 more- per year. A DEA number costs hundreds... The application- $50 to "register" for the Match. $160 to have the American Board of Plastic Surgery "evaluate" my education/training to date and make sure it's adequate. Then the application itself- I fill it out and send it to a central office, who then photocopies it and mails it to the programs I choose. There are 65 programs. It's $25/program- as long as i get it in by 9/1. Plastics is so competitive that in order to give myself the best chances, I should just apply to all of them. That's $1625. Then, assuming I get any interviews, I need a suit or two, and plane tickets/hotels for all of them.

And my favorite- the FCVS (federal credentials verification service) is an office that keeps official copies of my transcripts, test scores, etc for when I apply for a license. The FCVS is a part of the FSMB (federation of state medical boards.) The FSMB is who you call for official copies of exam scores. The FCVS shares a building with the FSMB. But they still require you to pay a $50 fee to have the FSMB send them your test scores. I'm sure they have an intern walk down the hall and put it in a box. Woohoo! not only that- but I am paying $50 right now to send my scores out for my application. That $50 buys me two copies. I called FCVS to say "listen i'm sending my scores out anyway... can I just send you a copy?" They said no. They need to request it themselves. For another $50.

I know it's just money, but still..... This process is going to cost me THOUSANDS of dollars- and I'm not at all sure I'll even succeed! I make ok money, and I'm grateful for that... but I work my ass off, and I have almost $200K in loans to pay off. And I just saw a posting for a "medical supply technician"- that pays more than I make.

Sorry. I'm not really this materialistic. Like I said it's just money and I know I'm fortunate to be where I am... I'm just not looking forward to racking up $5K in credit card bills this year. :(

Ok, enough ranting....

I just got stung by a bee in my backyard! Little fucker!

Damn nature.

(and, I should have some puppy pix for you one of these days.)

Ok, so I have no idea where it came from, or if it will last, but all of the sudden I had this zen-like epiphany. I think I always knew it, but I just stopped fighting it.

I can't force anything to happen.
And trying to will only make it worse.
Telling him off will only make it worse.
I am never going to get the answers I want.

All I can do is offer to be his friend. And not push.
And see what happens.

And somehow, I think I am ok with this.

I dunno peeps...

I might be cured.

Bring back the smiley face!!

:)

Saturday morning I decided enough was enough. I made myself leave the house, and I went to the Farmer's Market on Bidwell.

I bought myself a nice big bunch of cheery, colorful flowers.

On the way home, I stopped and ate at the Falafel Bar.

All of the sudden I started crying over my Falafel.

This morning I just got home from work.
Walked in the door, and saw my bright, cheery flowers.

And started crying.

This has got to stop.

Ok, I'm a little torn between keeping this secret, and sharing with all you lovely peeps. And I've decided- it's way too cool to keep secret.
Check it out-

It's music... worth it... I promise... I just don't want to make it too google-able.

I am having a really hard time not swearing and making jack-off gestures in front of my Mormon intern.

Usually I don't care. I have a mouth like a sailor, and it doesn't bother me, and I just assume it doesn't bother others either. I guess I think everyone swears like I do. But maybe I'm a little on the crude side...

And I'm not really one to censor myself for others... but I'm working with this Mormon now... And he's just a nice, wholesome, mild-mannered, family man. But he's also my intern and i'm his 'boss'. Which means he is the first-line defense "against" the monkeys in the ER etc that want to reach surgery. I.e. they have to go through him first, and if he can't handle it he calls me for help/backup.

But he's only a few weeks into internship, and I remember how scary that first year is... You want to be strong and independent and not have to ask for help, but you also don't want to make a mistake... it can be a fine line. so if I'm in the same room when he gets paged, I'll eavesdrop when he answers and help out if need be.

But he is not yet the cynic that I am. He is very polite and nice to everyone- to their face, and behind their backs. I am very nice and polite to them to their face and on the phone, but as soon as they leave, I guess I have a tendency to rip into them. Only if they deserve it of course... (which they usually do. haha)

And the contrast between us is a little obvious sometimes, oops.

Like just before I could hear him on the phone "hi, this is Dr X from surgery, I was paged? yes how can I help you... yup... uh-huh... ok... oh he's got one stitch left in from a week ago and you don't know how to take it out? yeah sure... we'll check it out... no problem... thanks"

All the while I am sitting here rolling my eyes and making crude gestures at the person on the other end of the phone thinking "oh my god these jackasses... why the fuck are they bothering us with this nonsense they can't figure out how to take out a fucking stitch?..." etc.

Ok so I'm exaggerating for the sake of this post, but still... point is I guess I could be nicer. And Mormon boy made me realize maybe I should be a little more polite sometimes.

Or not. Fuck 'em. :P

-J

(but the sad face userpic still stays. That part is still a big BOO)

First- more music update. Cut Chemist (the DJ from J5)- also very cool.
And Pelican City was added to the list to check out.

But on to my point...

So I just had dinner with my ex. The ex of all the drama from my early posts... And... I think I am totally over him and OK.
Thank god!!!

We haven't really been in touch. Occasional emails here and there, and I saw him on the street one day. Always civil and pleasant, but that's it.

Well the other day he emailed me out of the blue. I just thought 'huh, that's funny' but didn't think much of it. Then talked to a friend who was like "DUH! He must be single again and is looking to start something up..." I must say, the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. But, I'll admit it was vaguely flattering.

So we had dinner tonight. And it was nice. Conversation was easy and we laughed... but sitting there looking at him, I finally realized I'm over him. And fine with it.

I can still see what I liked about him- but now I can also see the things about him that I didn't like- that I tried to brush under the rug b/c I so wanted to be with him. And now it's pretty obvious to me that he isn't (and wasn't) right for me. We can be friends, but I don't want him. Sure I don't mind thinking maybe he's interested again... but that's just my ego.

And- this is a little thing, but huge. It was the first time EVER that he let me pay for something. And not only didn't fight me when I reached for my purse, but even asked "I'll put in $20, you get the rest?"

I mean it would be inappropriate for him to pay for me at this point. But he has never let me pay a cent before. Even when we've gone out in our semi-broken-up limbo state. So I think that means something.

Yay. Despite the fact that I never got the closure from him that I so craved- I think I can finally close that chapter, without any lingering doubts/questions/issues, and put it behind me and move on and be ok with it. And that feels good.

Now I have more time to devote ALL my energies to stressing about my OTHER drama. ;)