• even if you don't read the whole post, please skip to the bottom for a PSA**

Well, I guess I haven't posted any of my typical overly-revealing overly-long rambling posts in a while, so I'm sure you're all dying for an update on my exciting life.

Unfortunately, my life is like 90% work and 10% "me time"- but my priorities are the exact opposite, which is probably not good. [yes, I'm exaggerating, no need to get scared for my patients.] I love what I do... but I am just sick of the miserable hours. And sometimes I would rather go home after a 12 hour day, than stay an EXTRA six hours for some disaster case. Does that make me a bad person?

But so on Tues I went to The Tralf to see The National- my favorite band du jour. I seriously love them. [Their newest album, Boxer, is fantastic. But I don't have mp3s of it small enough to use as a user sound. So I am back to my old standby, "baby we'll be fine", from the album Alligator. Check it out.]

It was the first "real" show I've been to... god, I dunno, maybe since I lived in New Orleans?? i.e., in years. It was great. They were fantastic, it was fun to see them, nice to get out, etc etc.

But I was there looking around at all the cute hipster indie kids... and suddenly thinking "I wish I knew more people that like the music I do." But a lot of what I like is obscure indie stuff, and the only reason I even know about it is b/c my bro-in-law hooks me up.

So, when I got home, I turned to trusty craigslist. Emboldened by anonymity, I decided to post a "missed connections" message. Really just for the hell of it. I think I am (unfortunately) still an emotional disaster over the last guy, and am probably not in any position to be a good 'girlfriend' to anyone. Which sucks, b/c there are some good guys out there. [though I did hear rumors (through the grapevine, of course, since he still refuses to acknowledge my existence) that it sounds like he is losing it. Acting weird and unreliable... I don't know if it makes me happy or sad to hear that.] I've never been so head over heels over anyone like I was/am over him- and I've never been hurt as badly. Ok, but I digress...

My point is that I put up this ad really just for the hell of it- not b/c I'm really actively trying to find someone. I doubt I'd write back to anyone, but I was curious to see what other National fans there may be in the area. So I wrote:

If that title means anything to you- please write to me!!

MC to all the cute hipsters at the Tralf tonight... and there were plenty of you...

You made me realize that maybe I've been going about things all wrong. Maybe all I need is a guy who likes the music I like. Someone who won't say "oh really? you're going to a concert tonight? The National? That's nice. Are they a rock and roll band?"

So if you were there tonight, so was I. You may not have seen me. And I may not have seen you. But chances are- I dig you.

(but just to be a little more specific- ideally you are >27, gainfully employed, have some sort of degree, not living in Mom's basement, and for the love of God, do not have a full beard.)

Drop me a line... what's to lose??

[a wee bit about me- not to brag, but I'd make your mother proud. I'm a cute fun chick, with her head on her shoulders. I am quite well-educated, and have a good job. Not into drama or games or designer labels. Am into good times, laughing, with good people.]

For the title, I used a lyric from one of my favorite songs of theirs. (Baby we'll be fine; my user song) And it's one of their 'bigger' songs- one that people who know the band would probably know.

Well, I'm an idiot, and didn't think about the line OUT of the context of the song, and what 'if that title means anything to you, write me' means.

the line I used as a title is:
"Baby come over, I need entertaining. I've had a stilted, pretending day."

DUH.

So I have been inundated with messages like 'oh yeah! Baby I'LL come over!' etc.

Oops.

Only one person has known what I was actually getting at.

But the worst of all-
I got a message from an anonymous gmail address that just said "Oh, Alex dear... :)"

WTF!!!!!
Am I that recognizable???? Which suddenly makes me quite embarrassed, b/c I guess the message is a little braggadocious/obnoxious.
I don't know who it was... I'm guessing my ex-ex. Crazy.

Ok... guess that's enough for now. I miss you peeps. What's new with you??

-J

• PSA**

My friend's adorable little nephew Dominic has Hypertrophic Cardiac Myopathy. He's only about 1, and he needs a heart transplant. :( There is a benefit for him next saturday. I'm trying to help spread the word. Tickets are $25. Here's the website:



(yeah, that's a baby with a playoff beard.)

I think I was just dumped via text message.

I think that's kind of low.

Maybe it was overdue... maybe it's for the best... maybe I'll see that someday.

But for now I'm pretty sad, and just keep hoping I can 'work things out'. Why I want a guy who doesn't want me is beyond me, but I am beyond rational thought when it comes to this guy.

He has this thing where he doesn't like to go out on weeknights (unless it's me going to his house) since it's "too far" [it's a 24 minute drive]. I think that's stupid, but since I want to see him, I usually make the drive. he has not made the drive downtown ONCE in the 2 1/2 months we've been 'seeing each other', if I can call it that. But at the same time, he's taken me to his parents' several times. It's mixed messages if you ask me. he says one thing, then acts another way, and I just don't know where I stand.

But last night I was going to meet some friends out for a drink. So I sent him a text. I said something like "i know it's a weeknight, but i'm meeting people out and we'd love to have you if you're interested." he said 'awww, thanks'. Eventually I said 'ok, i'm leaving now. Talk to you soon. have a good night. And we'll be at cozumel if you change your mind.'
His reply 'thank god! no more texting!'
I said "that was mean"
and hour later got "haha - lighten up"

sent him a message later, something someone said... he replied "pls don't blow up my cell"
I said fuck you. but then we joked and went back and forth for a bit.

I spent some time with my friends, and it was nice. Both of them had their boyfriends stop by at one point. And it just made me think "THAT is how it's supposed to be." It reminded me what it's like when the guy actually LIKES the girl, and acts interested.

So when I got home I went to turn off the lights and saw that he was on IM.
Sent him a message saying goodnight. And I said 'i'm going to bed a little drunk, and jealous of my friends that have guys that are excited about them."

Maybe that was bitchy, maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I don't think it's unreasonable. he didn't reply.

So then this morning I got this:

"I got some overall fucked-up IMs from you last night and I think it's better we keep things at a friends angle for now - that is just too much."

And I think that's it.

I replied, but he hasn't said a word since.

I'm kind of heartbroken.

Buffalo was among the three WORST cities to meet men, according to this article from MSNBC.



It may not be the most scientifically valid research, I know... but still interesting.

So as I mentioned (e:jenks,161) I saw my ex the other night. We're friendly these days, but don't talk much, and still never see each other. Well I was having a shitty night and in a moment of weakness I texted him, and we went back and forth a bit... he asked if there was anything he could do, and invited me to come meet them. (shocking, since i rarely/never got to see his friends when we were together.) And he said he misses me. That is the kind of thing that fucks with my head big time. Because try as I might, deep down I'm not really over him. I mean I know we don't really work... but still he was like my best friend for a year. And over time I manage to forget the shitty parts, and focus on the good. So of course I miss him. So for him to say that, even though I'm sure he was just trying to be friendly, gives me all sorts of crazy false hope.

So then today I got this email:

A little note to say hello and hope you are having a good day. Don't let silly boys get you down, we are animals and don't deserve any tears.

Be well.

Oy.

But on a good note, I scheduled my exam, at home, for july 6/7. (2 eight hour days of testing, YUCK. But when it's done (assuming I pass), I will have filled the last requirement for my medical license. Then the only thing left is board certification, but that's at least 2 years away.) But so now that means I HAVE to go home. Just need to figure out the details of the work schedule so I can buy plane tickets. (which are CRAZY expensive for some reason. They're usually like 150-200, and yesterday they were 350- and today they're 450!! fuck! Work had better stop dicking around and tell me what my schedule is!)

Anyway. Hope you all enjoyed the art festival. Now i just want summer weather back. :)

-J

(to continue the thread of journals that makes me appear completely shallow and boy-crazy, I add:)

Dude!!!! Why am I SO incapable of closing the deal????? SO FRUSTRATING!
So, despite how I may make it seem, I am totally NOT about one night stands, random sex, etc. Sure, it's been a while, and I'd love nothing more than a good fuck, but the circumstances have to be right. And my standards are ridiculously (unrealistically) high.

But so I'm in Chicago. Trying to get in touch with my friend Sarah (from Buffalo). Finally we make plans to go tonight. And I get a text from her that says "my uber-hot friend charles may join us. he likes brunettes." And I reply "well he may be in luck, since I like uber-hot friend charles's."

So I meet her, we wait for charles. I see the blackberry email she sent him that called me "Dr. Surgeon McPretty". And I see his reply that says "can't wait". So he shows up- definitely cute. We all hang out. We go to another place. Drinks are abundant. there is small talk and chat. Including talk about how guys like what they can't have- i.e. as soon as you call (thereby expressing interest) they are not interested. Or the converse- we always like what we can't have. Like my date the other day. I wasn't even convinced I like him. But suddenly him not calling me makes me like "WHOA! Dude! I am so out of your league! And YOU are blowing ME off????? SO not how it was supposed to go."

But anyway, so we're all chatting. Sarah senses her moment and makes herself scarce. There is some definite bumping and grinding going on. I'm thinking "I so don't do this, but he's cute and I'm sick of striking out." so I'm kind of encouraged. Then I remember his words, and I pull away on the dancefloor (don't want to be all over him) to see if he responds- and he did. I pulled back, and he came after me. Still dancing close, etc.

So the song ends, I go to the bathroom. I come out, and sarah is back. He says "well, I have to go. Big meeting in the AM."

FUCK!!!!!!

But, in his defense, it WAS 3am, and he WAS in town just for 36hr to give this talk in the AM. So I can cut him some slack....

BUT, he was hot, he was flirting with me... I was (i thought) flirting with him in my little wimpy way, then he fucking gets up and leaves!!!!

Not that I would have known what to do with myself had it gone any other way, but still.....

Oy, drunk, time for bed..........

not to be a 'bitter-single-on-v-day-girl', but...

I thought I was over him...
Then saw him in the "who's checked me out" section on Friendster, and it made my heart skip a beat.
Damn you ex boyfriend!
I worked hard to get you out of my head, now stay out!

Bleh...

At least I have cupcakes. :)

I love when boys are adorable...
One of my friends at work is getting ready to propose to his GF. he's so cute, she's so cute... he's so nervous and in love. And I feel so lucky to be part of the secret plan (i have to provide some cover and some transportation.) Aww...
And my med student is so cute too. Well one of them- the other one makes me nuts. But stud #1 is first of all married. and devoted and talks about his wife all the time. but beyond that is just nice and funny and eager... always offering to help, "what can i do how can i help", but not in a kiss-ass way. So sincere... and just a nice guy. the other day held a door for me, and did that 'put his hand gently behind me/on my back to 'guide' me through the door' thing (hard to explain but I hope you know what i mean)- i dunno, just seemed sweet. and I'm not especially attracted to him, but i did feel a little zing with even that little touch. But anyway so tonight we were running around like crazy and he offered to be in charge of ordering dinner. (god I ate so much tzatziki! yum.) But so he picked it up and took it upstairs and paged me to say it was ready. i had to finish a few things, and when I got there he'd set up a little place with paper towels from the bathroom as a napkin, and a little mini soda from the patient kitchen. the only cups they had are like 2 oz- they're ridiculous little shotglass paper cups. so i went in and he had my food laid out with my 'napkins' and the soda poured into four little mini-cups with ice. i dunno... it was just so kind. and nice to be reminded that there are still some nice guys out there (even if they're married).
A+ for stud #1!! hah.

I think (e:Jason) may be onto something with his V:Day idea. maybe a party is called for. but not a stupid 'we hate vday and are bitter' party- just a plain old party. but let the girls get all dolled up... that would be fun. i'm not really a girly-girl, which makes it all the more fun to wear a great dress and get all made up once in a while, maybe even dig out the hair dryer...

totally random, but a bit for any other tv geeks out there- just got this link from my dad; must say i'm pretty psyched.

i feel like i had more to say, but my mind is in an annoying caffeine-racing state.
And as my mom always said 'if you can't remember it, it was either a lie or not important.' (or maybe just boring.)

So I think I will adjourn.

Baci e Abbracci,
Alessia

Sigh...

Saw my work crush again today.
So cute..
So nice..
So smart..
So funny..
So flirty..

So married..

Dammit!