I do.
I miss him.

It's been over a week since we had any contact. I've deleted him from my phone etc etc etc.... but I have to say, deep down I sort of thought I'd get a drunk dial or something. But no. It made me feel better to think that this is just as hard for him as it is for me, and that he misses me too... but... maybe I'm totally wrong.

I know he didn't always treat me right, and I deserve someone who does, blah blah blah...
But...
That doesn't make it any less sad.
And it's not like he's the only one that made any mistakes- I had my share.

Because at times it sucked, sure.
But it was also the happiest I've ever been.

And I'm really trying to 'be good', b/c during our last conversation, he warned me that it's up to me and 'how I handle this' to determine whether I go down as "great girl, sorry it didn't work out" vs "psycho ex, good riddance."

Blah.
I was going to write a whole big thing about match.com.... but now I don't feel like it.

I don't know why I'm randomly awake at 430. When I *need* to get up at 430 (i.e. almost every day) I can't, and now I'm up for no reason? Guess I'll try to go back to sleep.

:(

I hate that my journal is so boring lately.

I hate that I am censored and not allowed to talk about certain people/things.

Because really, that's all I want to talk about.

omg, it's 3am. Why am I awake?!
I fell asleep on my couch watching tv, since my friend stood me up.

I ate popcorn for dinner, and fell asleep on the couch, but am such an addict that I had to check my computer on my way from my couch to my bed. I don't like going to bed <2h before my alarm is going to go off.

My life is so awesome.

Boo.

But in the spirit of halloween, here's the pic I wanted to post the other day but I couldn't get it to work.

I love photo booth.

Be afraid, be very afraid...

And I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt- I certainly never meant to.

Sigh...
I'm in yet another of those horrible "woe is me nobody loves me" moods and I hate it.

But I've also been told that it's "very unattractive" to whine about it...

So I'll spare you the details-

I'll just say that I jumped through many hoops, turned down invitations, and pissed off friends and family to get this weekend off to help my 'friend' with his charity event out of town. Not to mention it was his birthday and I was hoping to spend it with him.

And then he left without me, and wouldn't answer his phone for the rest of the day.

So I had this long-anticipated entire weekend off...

alone...

in Buffalo...

The glorious grand finale was when my friends had to escort me out of mother's at 1am in a full-blown crying jag. Blotch-faced, snot-nosed, blubbering tears. In the middle of Mother's.

LOVELY.

And the thing is, i'm not even sure what triggered it. Well I have a clue.

I fucking hate boys.
But I love them.
Or at least one of them.
And he couldn't care less.
And it hurts.
:(

Fuck.

I am sick of people disappointing me.

I put in all this effort... only to find out that they're just laughing at me.

I feel like I'm in fucking high school again.

I fucking hate it.

fair weather friends, I guess.

Fuck 'em.

Better off without.

:(

To call this all a tragedy is obviously an understatement. Looks like the kid was a senior, a Korean national, who had been treated for depression in the past. Seems like he left a note railing against "deceitful charlatans" and "rich kids".

But this coverage is what brought tears to my eyes- a professor, a holocaust survivor no less, used his body to block the door in an attempt to save his students. He was, of course, killed, but I guess did manage to save some people.

At least there are still SOME truly selfless people in the world...

Among the dead was a professor, Liviu Librescu. Students who were in Librescu's engineering class at Norris Hall told the Tribune late Monday that the professor tried to protect the students in his class when they realized a gunmen was loose in the building.

Alec Calhoun was in Librescu's solid mechanics engineering class when gunfire erupted in the room next door. He said Librescu, went to the door and pushed himself against it in case the shooter tried to come in.

Librescu, an Israeli, was born in Romania and was known internationally for his research in aeronautical engineering.

Heartbreaking. :(

I'm too tired to get into it, but- how many times do I have to apologize?! I AM SORRY! ok? :'(

So I went to Dr. S's wake this weekend, and then the funeral today.
I know it's supposed to be a celebration of life and all, and people told really nice, funny stories- but it's still just so sad. And I am SUCH a crybaby. The second the organ started and they started wheeling* the coffin down the aisle I was weeping. And I barely even KNEW the guy. Then amazing grace got me choked up. Then I was ok for a while, til the family gave eulogies... And I figured I'd be ok as long as no one speaking started crying. Fortunately his wife/kids didn't talk. It made me think that there is NO WAY I will be able to speak at either of my parents' funerals. In fact if I could have my way I wouldn't even go. I am not going to deal well with my dad dying.

• aren't you supposed to carry the coffin?

But anyway, so I was pretty good (relatively speaking), only cried a little, and was pretty much dried up til the end. Until the brought the casket back out, now covered with a flag, and the pall bearers were crying, and I saw his widow, with her sons holding her hands and supporting her... then I was crying all over again. Fortunately another girl from work was sitting behind me and crying too, so I wasn't the only big baby there.

Man I hate funerals.

But I must say, and I mean no disrespect, but- it was the most rockin' funeral I've ever been to. I kept expecting a gospel chorus to pop out out of the wings. It was crazy! I'm not very good at church, and I'm not catholic. So all the kneeling and crossing yourself is foreign to me. But I'm used to services with a big organ, and that's the only instrument. Well I think this church maybe didn't have an organ (or something) b/c it seemed like there were piping in synthesizer music. Seriously. Like when getting ready for a hymn, all of the sudden a BEAT came blasting through... I finally asked "I know I'm not catholic, but is this typical?" And I was assured it wasn't. Don't get me wrong, it was still nice and touching and sad... but at times I almost found myself laughing b/c I felt like I was in a broadway musical. A little surreal.

Then afterwards M wanted to make it an "Irish Funeral" (even though we were all on call) so we went to her apt and she cooked us French toast, which was delish.

Now I'm home, and a little spent, and I think I could use a drink.

-J

P.s. Happy almost mardi gras peeps!

So my team decided to go out to lunch, when I was the only one busy. ugh. So then they decided to get Salsarita's takeout instead. I was hoping I'd get a bite or two before my case started. But, no. They didn't get back in time. So I went into the OR, and then half an hour or so later my phone buzzed at me. I assumed it was them saying lunch was (finally) there. So a few hours go by, and the case is done, so I get to check my phone- well I was quite wrong. No message about lunch. Just one that said simply 'S died.'

Dr. S was the Chief of Trauma/Surgery. Definitely an old school, no-nonsense, gruff kind of guy. And though I was scared to death of him at times, there was also something about him that was super-cool.

This is the one year of residency that I don't go to his hospital, so I haven't been there in a while. I knew he was getting old, and didn't have the greatest heart. I'd heard rumors that he's retiring this year. Then recently I heard he was sick and in the ICU, but I just assumed he'd get better.

I guess not. :(

And I can't help but think how weird it must be to be on the other side of things- at 'your' hospital, no less. And not just being a patient. But being a dying patient, when all the doctors surrounding you know and love you and are just watching as every last-ditch effort they make- fails.

Poor Dr. S.
We'll miss you.