Ok, so I have no idea where it came from, or if it will last, but all of the sudden I had this zen-like epiphany. I think I always knew it, but I just stopped fighting it.

I can't force anything to happen.
And trying to will only make it worse.
Telling him off will only make it worse.
I am never going to get the answers I want.

All I can do is offer to be his friend. And not push.
And see what happens.

And somehow, I think I am ok with this.

I dunno peeps...

I might be cured.

Bring back the smiley face!!

:)

Saturday morning I decided enough was enough. I made myself leave the house, and I went to the Farmer's Market on Bidwell.

I bought myself a nice big bunch of cheery, colorful flowers.

On the way home, I stopped and ate at the Falafel Bar.

All of the sudden I started crying over my Falafel.

This morning I just got home from work.
Walked in the door, and saw my bright, cheery flowers.

And started crying.

This has got to stop.

Ok, I'm a little torn between keeping this secret, and sharing with all you lovely peeps. And I've decided- it's way too cool to keep secret.
Check it out-

It's music... worth it... I promise... I just don't want to make it too google-able.

I am having a really hard time not swearing and making jack-off gestures in front of my Mormon intern.

Usually I don't care. I have a mouth like a sailor, and it doesn't bother me, and I just assume it doesn't bother others either. I guess I think everyone swears like I do. But maybe I'm a little on the crude side...

And I'm not really one to censor myself for others... but I'm working with this Mormon now... And he's just a nice, wholesome, mild-mannered, family man. But he's also my intern and i'm his 'boss'. Which means he is the first-line defense "against" the monkeys in the ER etc that want to reach surgery. I.e. they have to go through him first, and if he can't handle it he calls me for help/backup.

But he's only a few weeks into internship, and I remember how scary that first year is... You want to be strong and independent and not have to ask for help, but you also don't want to make a mistake... it can be a fine line. so if I'm in the same room when he gets paged, I'll eavesdrop when he answers and help out if need be.

But he is not yet the cynic that I am. He is very polite and nice to everyone- to their face, and behind their backs. I am very nice and polite to them to their face and on the phone, but as soon as they leave, I guess I have a tendency to rip into them. Only if they deserve it of course... (which they usually do. haha)

And the contrast between us is a little obvious sometimes, oops.

Like just before I could hear him on the phone "hi, this is Dr X from surgery, I was paged? yes how can I help you... yup... uh-huh... ok... oh he's got one stitch left in from a week ago and you don't know how to take it out? yeah sure... we'll check it out... no problem... thanks"

All the while I am sitting here rolling my eyes and making crude gestures at the person on the other end of the phone thinking "oh my god these jackasses... why the fuck are they bothering us with this nonsense they can't figure out how to take out a fucking stitch?..." etc.

Ok so I'm exaggerating for the sake of this post, but still... point is I guess I could be nicer. And Mormon boy made me realize maybe I should be a little more polite sometimes.

Or not. Fuck 'em. :P

-J

(but the sad face userpic still stays. That part is still a big BOO)

First- more music update. Cut Chemist (the DJ from J5)- also very cool.
And Pelican City was added to the list to check out.

But on to my point...

So I just had dinner with my ex. The ex of all the drama from my early posts... And... I think I am totally over him and OK.
Thank god!!!

We haven't really been in touch. Occasional emails here and there, and I saw him on the street one day. Always civil and pleasant, but that's it.

Well the other day he emailed me out of the blue. I just thought 'huh, that's funny' but didn't think much of it. Then talked to a friend who was like "DUH! He must be single again and is looking to start something up..." I must say, the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. But, I'll admit it was vaguely flattering.

So we had dinner tonight. And it was nice. Conversation was easy and we laughed... but sitting there looking at him, I finally realized I'm over him. And fine with it.

I can still see what I liked about him- but now I can also see the things about him that I didn't like- that I tried to brush under the rug b/c I so wanted to be with him. And now it's pretty obvious to me that he isn't (and wasn't) right for me. We can be friends, but I don't want him. Sure I don't mind thinking maybe he's interested again... but that's just my ego.

And- this is a little thing, but huge. It was the first time EVER that he let me pay for something. And not only didn't fight me when I reached for my purse, but even asked "I'll put in $20, you get the rest?"

I mean it would be inappropriate for him to pay for me at this point. But he has never let me pay a cent before. Even when we've gone out in our semi-broken-up limbo state. So I think that means something.

Yay. Despite the fact that I never got the closure from him that I so craved- I think I can finally close that chapter, without any lingering doubts/questions/issues, and put it behind me and move on and be ok with it. And that feels good.

Now I have more time to devote ALL my energies to stressing about my OTHER drama. ;)

Ok, so I decided I was due for another massive music binge. Asked chase and ryan for some recs, as usual, and checked out some stuff recommended by my last.fm page...

browsed my friend's music server... did a little search... got a bunch of stuff I keep hearing about but haven't checked out-

So now I have to listen to-
Cut Chemist
J5
The Decemberists
Frou Frou
Mogwai
Pinback
The Raconteurs
Thom Yorke
The Unicorns
Wolf Parade

and:

Danger Doom.

I keep hearing about MF Doom/Danger Doom and how he kicks ass.

Well let me just say-
I concur.

As I type I am listening to The Mouse and the Mask. And I don't know if it's a "theme" album or what- but so far every single song has Adult Swim samples in it. And one had Homestar Runner!

How freaking cool is that.

And along those lines- athf and sealab and now available on itunes. fyi.

I will report back on the rest of these as I check 'em out.

Unfortunately they're all too big to use as usersounds, but here's ATHF on Gather: 0395368001154475362

Ok, it is seriously hot out. Or at least humid. Sticky, either way. So I am writing this post, then high-tailing it out of here to some A/C place somewhere... Spot perhaps?

Anyway, just to document the continuing saga of my clusterfuck life these days...

Ok, so saturday afternoon, after I finally got my car, I went to the police station to file a report, as requested by my credit card company. Granted, it was 5pm on a sat. Not "normal business hours", but since when do police keep business hours? Anyway, so I went in... there was no one there. Just this one lady working. Who TOTALLY saw me. And ignored me. Strolled over to the water cooler... made some laps of the office... made some copies... I was very patient and didn't ring the bell or clear my throat or anything since I knew she'd seen me... finally she came by, and acted put out. I said I'd like to file a police report since my wallet had been stolen, please. She rolled her eyes. Asked when/where. I said between midnight and 3 am, and I wasn't sure where. Maybe elmwood or allen. And she said "chippewa?" I said "no, Allen". And she wrote "chippewa" on the report. WTF. So she spends about 30 sec filling out some form. Then tears the corner off a page from a yellow legal pad, and writes a number on it. Gives it to me, and says that's the report number the credit card company will want. That's it?? That's my official record of my police report? ok... Then I remembered that they'd told me to get documentation that I'd reported my license stolen in case I got pulled over without it. So i mentioned that to her- again she seemed very annoyed. Then said "so you've done this before, eh?" Like she was catching me in some lie... uh, no I haven't. So she fills out the form. Puts Jenks as my last name. Puts my last name nowhere on the form. Whatever. So i take the form and leave.

Today go to the DMV and wait in the huge line. Opt to have a new pic taken, since i'm about 20# lighter than I was in the old pic. (somehow the new pic doesn't show it. :/ ). Get to the front and am doing paperwork. Apparently if you have a police report proving a stolen license, the replacement is free.

That is, unless your bitch police officer records it as "lost" and not "stolen" - in TWO places on the form. It's like she didn't believe me. They said I could go get ANOTHER report and come back if I didn't want to pay. I decided it was not worth it.

Then remembered my inspection ran out today... So I went to the place by the DMV, who said it would be at least an hour and half til he could get to it.

Screw that, I had more errands to do.

So I went to UB North Campus to replace my stupid UB ID that I have NEVER used- for another $20. What a ripoff...

Then went by the mall. Returned some stuff, cashed in my coupon, tried (unsuccessfully) to find some other things... had a snack... killed a good hour or so. Then as I was leaving, realized there was a sears auto shop, and they could do my inspection. Wish I'd thought of it when I first got there...

So I take my car. They say it will be an hour. So I stroll around for another hour. Go back to Sears. They look at me a little sheepishly... The guy said when he saw me walk in he went to make sure the car was ready- and it turned out it hadn't even been started, and the guy had gone home. But at this point I didn't have much choice since I had to get it done today, so i waited another hour. Finally got my car back... everything (steering wheel, gearshift) feels all nasty from their grubby hands. And he did the WORST job getting the old sticker off I've ever seen. Glue everywhere.

But, at least I got all those PITA errands done, and I got some studying done at work last night. (and had a surprisingly pleasant convo with the ex...) So I feel semi-satisfied.

So now I can go relax/study at spot and decompress for a bit...

Hopefully one of these days I'll catch a break though. I've got to, right?? This nonsense can't go on forever.

-J

... that drinking my face off is NOT that fun? I get the worst hangovers EVER- yet somehow "conveniently" manage to forget that lil tidbit all the time.

It is almost 5pm. I am still not quite feeling human yet. Getting there, but not quite. Seriously. This is ridiculous.

So I thought I had a shitty night a while ago... (e:jenks,161) But this was even worse.

Since I had a shitty week, and since I didn't have to work today, I figured I'd go out and get drunk. Haven't done that in a long time. So I called a few friends, who didn't call back. Then I saw my lush friend online, and invited myself to hang out with him and his friends. But they weren't going out til late, so I figured I should start drinking a little on my own or it would be no fun to get there and be the only sober one. So I had a beer, and 2 vodka/red bulls over the course of 2 or 3 hours.

Finally go the kid's house around midnight. Immediately a bottle of wine is put in my hand and I'm told to take a swig. So I had some wine. Not a ton though...

So then we walked to cozumel, where I had "what they're having"- a sparks. Gross. And that was it for the night. Not a TON I didn't think... But, I didn't eat dinner so maybe that was it. I dunno.

But so after the one drink at cozumel we walked to frizzy's. At least I think it was frizzy's. I'd never been there before, but there was a photo booth. That's frizzy's, right? I ended up dancing with this one kid for a while (timika- "your" boy from st. pat's)... it was fun, he was spinning me all over the place. I was having a good time, and managed to get my mind off the boy for a while.

Then I went to the bathroom... and I don't know if it was just the change of pace from dancing or what- but all of the sudden I was trashed. Like retarded drunk. Had to go outside for air. I really wanted to go home, but didn't think I could stomach a cab ride at the moment, so I sat down on... I dunno what it was. some curb thing. And I just had to sit very still so things wouldn't spin. I felt disgusting. I kept thinking "i need to go home" but every time I moved my head I thought I would puke. So I figured I'd just sit there for a bit and let it pass. But it wasn't passing. I didn't think I would ever be able to get home. At one point I even contemplated finding some nice soft grass and going to sleep. WTF.

So I was just sitting there, alone, drunk, with my head on my knees, afraid to move. No idea where my "friends" were. People kept walking by and saying 'you ok sweetheart? need a cab?" and I would say no I was fine. At one point this chick came over and said "oh honey... let me put your hair up for you in case you puke..." and she put my hair in an elastic. (very strange, in retrospect, but it seemed kind at the time...)

I have no idea what time it was, but it was late. I really needed to go home. Just then a cab pulls up and the cabbie yells out the window that I should get in. So I did. And I just hoped that I wouldn't get sick the whole time, and kept my eyes closed.

So I don't really know what happened- but I guess he saw some girls run a light and run into a statue or something. B/c next thing I know these girls are getting in the cab with me... cabbie is yelling at them that they can't just flee the scene of an accident. The girl is crying and asking that he not tell... I'm just thinking "oh my god i want to be home". Finally the girls get out somewhere. Eventually we get to my house.

I go to pay my fare. And my wallet was gone. I think maybe the girl who put my hair up took it out of my purse. The cabbie is (understandably) pissed that I can't pay my fare, but what am I supposed to do? So I give him my number and he says he'll call tomorrow. Fortunately I still had my keys and my phone and everything.

Oh and the worst part of it all- i had almost $400 dollars in my wallet that I was meaning to put in the bank.

FUCK.

So I finally went to bed, I think it was 4 or 5 or so. Felt ok when I first woke up. That's the nasty thing about my hangovers. They sneak up on me. I feel ok at first, then it creeps in. I kept trying to get up and get out of bed- and within 10 min would have to climb back in bed.

Then my credit card company called to report "fraudulent activity". Apparently whoever it was tried to buy gas 3 times on my card. Then I checked online, they charged gas FIVE times on my other card. And didn't charge ANYTHING on my amex...

So, all my cards are cancelled now. And all charges are cancelled. So I'm "just" out the cash I was carrying. (what an idiot! I never carry that much money! Ugh I could shoot myself...) And now I need to work on getting a new license. what a pain in the ass. And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do for cash until my new cards come in the mail... My bank is all by mail, so I don't know if any bank here will let me cash a check...

Cabbie just came over and argued with me about taking a check, but since that was the only option, he had to. He was nice and said he'd been worried about me. But when I asked why the fare from allen st to forest was $23, he said it was $13 with a $10 fee for not paying. He said he'd rather do that than "get the police involved". That shut me up.

So I still need to go to the police to file a report since the credit card company wants it.

Which means I need to get to my car.

It's too far to walk.

I have no money for a cab.

I guess I will start calling around.

Seriously... could I have any more bullshit drama in my life?

At least, 12hr later, I am almost to the point that I can walk around the apt without feeling ill.

And all this from 4-5 drinks? I mean I know that's not NOTHING, but it's not THAT much that I should be so miserable today. I blame it on the Sparks. Yuck...

This was really not how I was hoping to spend my saturday... and I have to work tomorrow.

Blah!

-J

Ok, so I really don't believe in astrology. And I usually don't bother to look up my horoscope- one b/c I couldn't be bothered, but two b/c if it's something I WANT to hear, it gives me false hope. If it's something I DON'T want to hear- I just write it off as "astrology is stupid". But, if it's sitting there, I'll read it. And I just found this one-

"Behind the scenes of your day-to-day life, some misplaced energy has clouded your judgment. Today that energy is finally starting to come together into a more focused idea or emotion. Don't be alarmed if it pops up at an inopportune time. Just be grateful that it's popping up at all! The situation with someone else may soon solidify. It looks like you're finally getting through. All your efforts and honesty are paying off. Be confident about the future. "


Ahhh... if only it were true... A girl can hope, eh?

(e:twisted,413)

So I'm not that much of a girly-girl and I really don't like shopping very much... but the other day when I was feeling down and crappy I decided to go to the galleria to get a haircut [sorry lilho... i'll catch you next time]. And I must say... the included tea/scalp massage/ hand massage/ makeup application at aveda is awesome. And not even as expensive as you'd think. And since I can't walk by the Apple store without going in, I went in to see if they have the new wireless mighty mouse yet, which I've been waiting for forever (they don't- maybe by today). but as I walked by old navy I stopped in b/c they were having a sale, and I figured I'd see if they had a denim skirt I like... Well they didn't, but I did buy one other cute skirt on super-sale, and a pair of shoes. They're very un-me with sequins and ribbons and rope wedgie heels... but I wore them today... I think I had ten compliments by the time I'd been here two hours. Random people in the hall stopping me and telling how cute my shoes are. Slightly less random people telling me "something's different... I can't put my finger on it... but you look great! Cute shoes!" (it's the one day of the week that I'm not in scrubs, and I (gasp) have my hair down. I think the non-ponytail is what strikes them as odd)

So even though it really doesn't resolve any of my underlying issues, I must say- these cheap little old navy shoes have made my day. I might not quite be smiling yet... but maybe I'm getting there.

Oh, and I got a random (but pleasant) email from the ex today, saying "we still have to get that coffee" that we talked about months ago and not since. An unexpected, but I guess not unwelcome, surprise.

(unfortunately I'm not sure it's possible to take a flattering picture of one's own feet, not to mention the lovely floor tile at the VA, but here you go).



ok- and a totally random and unrelated P.S.
First, let me say- I am not an especially outdoorsy person. Not that I don't LIKE the outside, but "let's go for a hike!" is not usually the first thing that comes to mind when I have free time. That said, all of the sudden I really want to go camping. I want to sleep in a tent. We used to set up a tent in my backyard- but it was within a few feet of the house (and bathroom) and sometimes we would even run an extension cord from the house. I don't think that really counts. And then I remembered this old military hammock-tent we used to have... It was so cool. has a roof to keep rain out and you're zipped in mosquito netting to keep bugs out... I loved that thing. And I found them online! only $40! I want one!
or the fancy lightweight camping versions- but they're like $100-$200.

I have no idea where this camping bug came from, but all of the sudden I wanna!!