So a few things...

First of all- (e:libertad)- I think the ENVUS hummer definitely lives around the corner from me on Forest. It's parked there ALLL the time. So right or wrong, I kind of hate those people for driving a hummer. But as I was walking home tonight I noticed that they keep their dog CHAINED up in the front yard. Now I hate them even more. :(

Next- I am so juvenile.... This song came on my ipod in the car today... It's very bow-chikka-bowt-bowt porn-ish. My friends in college would play the boogie nights soundtrack, and these girls would always come complaining about this song. That it offended them. They would whine until Scott would go "oh ok fine!" and walk over to the stereo- and hit rewind, and just play it on repeat.
man we were funny. ;) Anyway, so for your listening pleasure I present a college flashback... Jungle Fever, by the Chakachas- from the Boogie Nights soundtrack.

and the best for last...
Just had a lovely dinner with Buffalo's newest additions- chico/chica! They're lovely. I approve. ;) I just hope their ears don't hurt from listening to me blab all night! :D

Bedtime, I think...

-J

But first, a good thing.
Maybe this "be friends" and "don't throw myself at him" is a good move... We're talking again... had a lovely weekend... I'm still getting kind of mixed messages, but I'm trying not to obsess... And then this morning he asked me out for dinner. But I have plans, so I said no. But it made me happy nonetheless.

And a question for you peeps... Another guy asked me out for dinner... I wouldn't mind going, he seems like an ok guy, but considering the mess my head/heart have been lately, I think it would be leading him on to accept a date. I know some people can date lots of people at once, but I just can't. And I would feel guilty if I were just using him for dinner, if I knew that I didn't want it to go anywhere. So I told him that. I said that I don't like to lead people on or hurt people's feelings and that I just wanted to come right out and say that I'm not sure how "emotionally available" I am right now- but if he's ok with that and still wants dinner, I'd be happy to. And he responded by saying "no offense, but I thought it might be nice to just get to know each other before I get too concerend about how 'emotionally available' you are or aren't." Touche...
So what do you guys think? Was it too presumptuous of me to bother saying anything to him? I was just trying to be honest, which is all I ever hope people will do for me...

Ok, but now to bitching...

So as you may or may not know, I am in the 4th year (of 5) of my general surgery residency. I am applying for a Plastic Surgery fellowship to follow this, which is another 2-3 years. Plastics has gotten super-competitive, and I'm not sure I have a chance in hell. (which probably means I should stop procrastinating on my personal statement, eh? God I hate those things...)

But this application process, aside from being difficult and stressful, is so damn expensive!!! I just took the third and final part of the medical licensing exam (and passed- THANK GOD)- That was $650 for the test, plus a plane ticket. When I apply for the actual license, depending on the state that will be $200-700 more- per year. A DEA number costs hundreds... The application- $50 to "register" for the Match. $160 to have the American Board of Plastic Surgery "evaluate" my education/training to date and make sure it's adequate. Then the application itself- I fill it out and send it to a central office, who then photocopies it and mails it to the programs I choose. There are 65 programs. It's $25/program- as long as i get it in by 9/1. Plastics is so competitive that in order to give myself the best chances, I should just apply to all of them. That's $1625. Then, assuming I get any interviews, I need a suit or two, and plane tickets/hotels for all of them.

And my favorite- the FCVS (federal credentials verification service) is an office that keeps official copies of my transcripts, test scores, etc for when I apply for a license. The FCVS is a part of the FSMB (federation of state medical boards.) The FSMB is who you call for official copies of exam scores. The FCVS shares a building with the FSMB. But they still require you to pay a $50 fee to have the FSMB send them your test scores. I'm sure they have an intern walk down the hall and put it in a box. Woohoo! not only that- but I am paying $50 right now to send my scores out for my application. That $50 buys me two copies. I called FCVS to say "listen i'm sending my scores out anyway... can I just send you a copy?" They said no. They need to request it themselves. For another $50.

I know it's just money, but still..... This process is going to cost me THOUSANDS of dollars- and I'm not at all sure I'll even succeed! I make ok money, and I'm grateful for that... but I work my ass off, and I have almost $200K in loans to pay off. And I just saw a posting for a "medical supply technician"- that pays more than I make.

Sorry. I'm not really this materialistic. Like I said it's just money and I know I'm fortunate to be where I am... I'm just not looking forward to racking up $5K in credit card bills this year. :(

Ok, enough ranting....

I just got stung by a bee in my backyard! Little fucker!

Damn nature.

(and, I should have some puppy pix for you one of these days.)

Ok, so I have no idea where it came from, or if it will last, but all of the sudden I had this zen-like epiphany. I think I always knew it, but I just stopped fighting it.

I can't force anything to happen.
And trying to will only make it worse.
Telling him off will only make it worse.
I am never going to get the answers I want.

All I can do is offer to be his friend. And not push.
And see what happens.

And somehow, I think I am ok with this.

I dunno peeps...

I might be cured.

Bring back the smiley face!!

:)

Saturday morning I decided enough was enough. I made myself leave the house, and I went to the Farmer's Market on Bidwell.

I bought myself a nice big bunch of cheery, colorful flowers.

On the way home, I stopped and ate at the Falafel Bar.

All of the sudden I started crying over my Falafel.

This morning I just got home from work.
Walked in the door, and saw my bright, cheery flowers.

And started crying.

This has got to stop.

Ok, I'm a little torn between keeping this secret, and sharing with all you lovely peeps. And I've decided- it's way too cool to keep secret.
Check it out-

It's music... worth it... I promise... I just don't want to make it too google-able.

I am having a really hard time not swearing and making jack-off gestures in front of my Mormon intern.

Usually I don't care. I have a mouth like a sailor, and it doesn't bother me, and I just assume it doesn't bother others either. I guess I think everyone swears like I do. But maybe I'm a little on the crude side...

And I'm not really one to censor myself for others... but I'm working with this Mormon now... And he's just a nice, wholesome, mild-mannered, family man. But he's also my intern and i'm his 'boss'. Which means he is the first-line defense "against" the monkeys in the ER etc that want to reach surgery. I.e. they have to go through him first, and if he can't handle it he calls me for help/backup.

But he's only a few weeks into internship, and I remember how scary that first year is... You want to be strong and independent and not have to ask for help, but you also don't want to make a mistake... it can be a fine line. so if I'm in the same room when he gets paged, I'll eavesdrop when he answers and help out if need be.

But he is not yet the cynic that I am. He is very polite and nice to everyone- to their face, and behind their backs. I am very nice and polite to them to their face and on the phone, but as soon as they leave, I guess I have a tendency to rip into them. Only if they deserve it of course... (which they usually do. haha)

And the contrast between us is a little obvious sometimes, oops.

Like just before I could hear him on the phone "hi, this is Dr X from surgery, I was paged? yes how can I help you... yup... uh-huh... ok... oh he's got one stitch left in from a week ago and you don't know how to take it out? yeah sure... we'll check it out... no problem... thanks"

All the while I am sitting here rolling my eyes and making crude gestures at the person on the other end of the phone thinking "oh my god these jackasses... why the fuck are they bothering us with this nonsense they can't figure out how to take out a fucking stitch?..." etc.

Ok so I'm exaggerating for the sake of this post, but still... point is I guess I could be nicer. And Mormon boy made me realize maybe I should be a little more polite sometimes.

Or not. Fuck 'em. :P

-J

(but the sad face userpic still stays. That part is still a big BOO)

First- more music update. Cut Chemist (the DJ from J5)- also very cool.
And Pelican City was added to the list to check out.

But on to my point...

So I just had dinner with my ex. The ex of all the drama from my early posts... And... I think I am totally over him and OK.
Thank god!!!

We haven't really been in touch. Occasional emails here and there, and I saw him on the street one day. Always civil and pleasant, but that's it.

Well the other day he emailed me out of the blue. I just thought 'huh, that's funny' but didn't think much of it. Then talked to a friend who was like "DUH! He must be single again and is looking to start something up..." I must say, the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. But, I'll admit it was vaguely flattering.

So we had dinner tonight. And it was nice. Conversation was easy and we laughed... but sitting there looking at him, I finally realized I'm over him. And fine with it.

I can still see what I liked about him- but now I can also see the things about him that I didn't like- that I tried to brush under the rug b/c I so wanted to be with him. And now it's pretty obvious to me that he isn't (and wasn't) right for me. We can be friends, but I don't want him. Sure I don't mind thinking maybe he's interested again... but that's just my ego.

And- this is a little thing, but huge. It was the first time EVER that he let me pay for something. And not only didn't fight me when I reached for my purse, but even asked "I'll put in $20, you get the rest?"

I mean it would be inappropriate for him to pay for me at this point. But he has never let me pay a cent before. Even when we've gone out in our semi-broken-up limbo state. So I think that means something.

Yay. Despite the fact that I never got the closure from him that I so craved- I think I can finally close that chapter, without any lingering doubts/questions/issues, and put it behind me and move on and be ok with it. And that feels good.

Now I have more time to devote ALL my energies to stressing about my OTHER drama. ;)

Ok, so I decided I was due for another massive music binge. Asked chase and ryan for some recs, as usual, and checked out some stuff recommended by my last.fm page...

browsed my friend's music server... did a little search... got a bunch of stuff I keep hearing about but haven't checked out-

So now I have to listen to-
Cut Chemist
J5
The Decemberists
Frou Frou
Mogwai
Pinback
The Raconteurs
Thom Yorke
The Unicorns
Wolf Parade

and:

Danger Doom.

I keep hearing about MF Doom/Danger Doom and how he kicks ass.

Well let me just say-
I concur.

As I type I am listening to The Mouse and the Mask. And I don't know if it's a "theme" album or what- but so far every single song has Adult Swim samples in it. And one had Homestar Runner!

How freaking cool is that.

And along those lines- athf and sealab and now available on itunes. fyi.

I will report back on the rest of these as I check 'em out.

Unfortunately they're all too big to use as usersounds, but here's ATHF on Gather: 0395368001154475362

Ok, it is seriously hot out. Or at least humid. Sticky, either way. So I am writing this post, then high-tailing it out of here to some A/C place somewhere... Spot perhaps?

Anyway, just to document the continuing saga of my clusterfuck life these days...

Ok, so saturday afternoon, after I finally got my car, I went to the police station to file a report, as requested by my credit card company. Granted, it was 5pm on a sat. Not "normal business hours", but since when do police keep business hours? Anyway, so I went in... there was no one there. Just this one lady working. Who TOTALLY saw me. And ignored me. Strolled over to the water cooler... made some laps of the office... made some copies... I was very patient and didn't ring the bell or clear my throat or anything since I knew she'd seen me... finally she came by, and acted put out. I said I'd like to file a police report since my wallet had been stolen, please. She rolled her eyes. Asked when/where. I said between midnight and 3 am, and I wasn't sure where. Maybe elmwood or allen. And she said "chippewa?" I said "no, Allen". And she wrote "chippewa" on the report. WTF. So she spends about 30 sec filling out some form. Then tears the corner off a page from a yellow legal pad, and writes a number on it. Gives it to me, and says that's the report number the credit card company will want. That's it?? That's my official record of my police report? ok... Then I remembered that they'd told me to get documentation that I'd reported my license stolen in case I got pulled over without it. So i mentioned that to her- again she seemed very annoyed. Then said "so you've done this before, eh?" Like she was catching me in some lie... uh, no I haven't. So she fills out the form. Puts Jenks as my last name. Puts my last name nowhere on the form. Whatever. So i take the form and leave.

Today go to the DMV and wait in the huge line. Opt to have a new pic taken, since i'm about 20# lighter than I was in the old pic. (somehow the new pic doesn't show it. :/ ). Get to the front and am doing paperwork. Apparently if you have a police report proving a stolen license, the replacement is free.

That is, unless your bitch police officer records it as "lost" and not "stolen" - in TWO places on the form. It's like she didn't believe me. They said I could go get ANOTHER report and come back if I didn't want to pay. I decided it was not worth it.

Then remembered my inspection ran out today... So I went to the place by the DMV, who said it would be at least an hour and half til he could get to it.

Screw that, I had more errands to do.

So I went to UB North Campus to replace my stupid UB ID that I have NEVER used- for another $20. What a ripoff...

Then went by the mall. Returned some stuff, cashed in my coupon, tried (unsuccessfully) to find some other things... had a snack... killed a good hour or so. Then as I was leaving, realized there was a sears auto shop, and they could do my inspection. Wish I'd thought of it when I first got there...

So I take my car. They say it will be an hour. So I stroll around for another hour. Go back to Sears. They look at me a little sheepishly... The guy said when he saw me walk in he went to make sure the car was ready- and it turned out it hadn't even been started, and the guy had gone home. But at this point I didn't have much choice since I had to get it done today, so i waited another hour. Finally got my car back... everything (steering wheel, gearshift) feels all nasty from their grubby hands. And he did the WORST job getting the old sticker off I've ever seen. Glue everywhere.

But, at least I got all those PITA errands done, and I got some studying done at work last night. (and had a surprisingly pleasant convo with the ex...) So I feel semi-satisfied.

So now I can go relax/study at spot and decompress for a bit...

Hopefully one of these days I'll catch a break though. I've got to, right?? This nonsense can't go on forever.

-J