Such opposing emotions in a breakup.

I love him,
but I hate him.

I want him to be happy,
but I want him to hurt the way I do.

I want him here every second,
and I never want to see him again.

I'm crushed,
but relieved that I don't have wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.

He's all I can think about,
but I want him erased from my mind.

He's cute and funny and caring and sweet...
and probably can't ever be trusted again.

I'm everything he wants,
but I'm not enough.

I feel angry and betrayed,
but I miss him.

I don't want to trap him,
but I want to convince him to stay.

I want to go back in time...
And I want to fast forward through the hurt.

I'm numb,
but everything hurts.

I'm sorry,
and I'm not sorry at all.

My mind is racing,
but my thinking is foggy and slow.

But mostly...

I'm just sad. :(

So I just went to check my credit card bill online- and they've "upgraded" their website. It says "sorry, your browser [Safari 3] did not pass the security check" and goes on about how they use the highest possibly security etc.
So you must use one of the approved browsers:

IE 4 (yes, four)
Netscape 4
AOL 5

I didn't even knew people still used netscape OR AOL.

Somehow I don't think IE 4 has 'stronger' security than Safari.

But maybe I'm totally wrong.

quick random FYI post since people were talking about it a while ago-

I mailed in my passport renewal app on 6/13. Not expedited or anything, just regular.
Got my new passport in the mail 6/21.

seems like they're moving fast these days.
i ordered a passport card too while I was at it- that hasn't come yet, they're saying July maybe.

Well, it looks like it's official...





And my first case in official chief capacity last night- a guy that slit his own throat, and cut about 90% of the way THROUGH his trachea. like just a little sliver holding it together in the back. Twice. His roommate just found him, totally alert and awake, bleeding in the shower. (at the psych center, not surprisingly.)

shite!

He's ok though. But it's too early to know if he fucked up his vocal cords or anything.

Happy birthday, (e:twins)!

Hope it's a good one. :)

So, I generally use Mobil for gas. For two main reasons- there's a mobil station like a block from my house, and b/c I like the little speedpass thing. If other gas stations used speedpass, I would totally go there.

Also, I was just "reminded" that I should only put premium (91 or 93) in my car. And NOT to use 'off-brand' gas. Stick with major names. Most places have 93, but sunoco has 91. But it's only like 2 cents cheaper, so it only saves me like 25cents/tank to get 91, and I have to drive all over to find a sunoco station.

But then Dan was like "dude, why do you use mobil? it's always more expensive than everywhere else." I didn't believe it. Well, I guess he was right...

I went to Ambrosia for breakfast this morning.
On the way, passed two gas stations, a mobil and a sunoco, within THREE BLOCKS of each other. I can't believe how different the prices are!!




and this is the Mobil by my house- so I guess it's not just that one particular location-


and then when I got home, saw that the rosebushes are blooming. They smell AMAZING.




i'm sorry I missed the party last night... I had a graduation party for work to go to. :(

But tonight I'm going to TO to see The National/Modest Mouse/REM- woohooooo!
Not looking forward to getting home at 2 or 3am though and having to work (a 27 hour day) at 6a. :(

Ok, this is too long for a comment, but paul's anti-smoking post brought it to mind. Saw this on a blog the other day- thought it was a decent rant.

How do you feel about a friend who has to go everywhere with you? Not only does he tag along all the time, but since he is so offensive and vulgar, you become unwelcome when with him. He has a peculiar odor that sticks to you wherever you go. Others think both of you stink.

He controls you totally. When he says jump, you jump. Sometimes in the middle of a blizzard or storm, he wants you to come to the store and pick him up. You would give your spouse hell if he or she did that to you all the time, but you can't argue with your friend. Sometimes, when you are out at a movie or play he says he wants you to go stand in the lobby with him and miss important scenes. Since he calls all the shots in your life, you go. Your friend doesn't like your choice of clothing either. Instead of politely telling you that you have lousy taste, he burns little holes in these items so you will want to throw them out. Sometimes, he tires of the furniture and gets rid of it too. Occasionally, he gets really nasty and decides the whole house must go.

He gets pretty expensive to support. Not only is his knack of property destruction costly, but you must pay to keep him with you. In fact, he will cost you thousands of dollars over your lifetime. And you can count on one thing, he will never pay you a penny in return.

Often at picnics you watch others playing vigorous activities and having lots of fun doing them. But your friend won't let you. He doesn't believe in physical activity. In his opinion, you are too old to have that kind of fun. So he kind of sits on your chest and makes it difficult for you to breathe. Now you don't want to go off and play with other people when you can't breathe, do you?

Your friend does not believe in being healthy. He is really repulsed by the thought of you living a long and productive life. So every chance he gets he makes you sick. He helps you catch colds and flu. Not just by running out in the middle of the lousy weather to pick him up at the store. He is more creative than that. He carries thousands of poisons with him which he constantly blows in your face. When you inhale some of them, they wipe out cilia in your lungs which would have helped you prevent these diseases.

But colds and flu are just his form of child's play. He especially likes diseases that slowly cripple you-like emphysema. He considers this disease great. Once he gets you to have this, you will give up all your other friends, family, career goals, activities-everything. You will just sit home and caress him, telling him what a great friend he is while you desperately gasp for air.

But eventually your friend tires of you. He decides he no longer wishes to have your company. Instead of letting you go your separate ways, he decides to kill you. He has a wonderful arsenal of weapons behind him. In fact, he has been plotting your death since the day you met him. He picked all the top killers in society and did everything in his power to ensure you would get one of them. He overworked your heart and lungs. He clogged up the arteries to your heart, brain, and every other part of your body. In case you were too strong to succumb to this, he constantly exposed you to cancer causing agents. He knew he would get you sooner or later.

Well, this is the story of your "friend," your cigarette. No real friend would do all this to you. Cigarettes are the worst possible enemies you ever had. They are expensive, addictive, socially unacceptable, and deadly. Consider all this and NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!

whyquit.com/whyquit/joelcigfriend.html

So... I got the yearly letter from Sallie Mae...

But before I get to the point of it, I have to bitch for a second.

They email you these password-encrypted PDF files. You used to have to enter your SSN to view them. But I guess b/c people are scared of identity theft etc they have moved away from that. So now you have to enter some ridiculous code- it's like your 10 digit account number plus your birthday plus the date of your loans. 2 of 3 of which I don't know, and never will. So, the other option is to log in to the website and view it there.

So I go there, and enter my user ID, and try my standard password. It's wrong. Try my other standard password. Still wrong. Take a stab at a third. Also wrong. So then I'm logged out. So I go to the "forgot password" page. correctly answer all 3 security questions. Does it tell me my password? NO. It makes me change it. So I enter in desired password. No good- cannot be the same as any of the last 5 passwords.

Which means I enter something random that I will never remember. so next time this happens, I will not know the password and will have to change it all over again. What a retarded system.

[yes I understand I could just write the password down somewhere, but that is not a good solution.]

But now on to the good part.

So I finally get the letter open. It tells my that my deferment is up 7/14, and my loans will go back into repayment status then. All $182,495.10 of them. At the tune of $700 monthly payments until the year 2038. I can NOT afford that.

So, I go to the deferment page, like I have for the last five years. Click on the "economic hardship" deferment- which requires me to send them a pay stub, showing that my loan payments are more than XX% of my income (I think the requirement is 20%?), and thus not do-able at this time.

And when I click on it, what comes up?
"you are not eligible for this deferment". Why not?
"time limit has been reached".

I guess I'm only allowed to defer for 5 years for economic hardship.

WTF! I still have two years of training left! None of the other deferment options seem to apply, either.

I absolutely CANNOT afford to start paying $700/mo next month.

Shite.

I have to figure this out.

at least my interest rate is still locked in at 2.875.

So, for the first time in quite a while, I had a weekend off and actually took advantage of it!
Friday night went to Dan's mom's place on chautauqua lake. Put his boat on the water the next day. it was cold and really windy, so he didn't catch anything, and I didn't even try. But somehow managed to get totally sunburned nonetheless. Then that night some people from work came over for burgers on the grill, which was totally fun, too.
Then yesterday he put the boat back in the water on the river and we went to strawberry island, where I picked up a fishing pole for the first time in my life- and caught FOUR fish! I totally couldn't believe it. there were a bunch of other boats out there, too, and they were getting pissed at us b/c they weren't catching anything. I don't know what they were doing wrong, b/c I certainly didn't know what I was doing. Beginner's luck, maybe. We were out for about 3 hours, and dan caught 13, compared to my 4. But, I caught the first fish, AND the biggest fish. Woohoo!
Check me out! (and ignore the fact that I look like I need chin liposuction. ew.)


Then last night went to a dinner party in rochester, which was great. awesome food, and amazing wine. It was at a couple's house who both work for wine importers/distributers and have this amazing wine cellar.
We were supposed to come back last night, but were too drunk to drive, so we crashed there, and then met up with some other friends for breakfast this AM, and headed back.

Now I'm back. All in all a great weekend- except that I'm exhausted now.

Welcome summer!!!!

If any of you are like I am (I'm looking at you here Paul) and have a cell phone/ipod graveyard... this site might be good.

They buy your old phones/mp3 players.
They don't give you a ton of money, but then again, it's better than the zero I get paid for having them collect dust in my closet since i can't bring myself to throw out a first generation ipod that cost like $500 new and now is worth about $0.50.

If I turn in four ipods and 3 phones, they'll pay me about $150.

worth checking out...