Ok, I've joked before about being a drama magnet- but this is getting out of control.

I talk to my family all-the-time. But generally I call them. And I never use my home phone. So when my home phone rings, it's usually not good news. Usually a telemarketer. But when my home phone rings and it's my family- I always get a lump in my throat and my heart speeds up and I fear the worst. My latest fear is that one of the dogs has died. Of course, usually there's no bad news. Usually mom saw something funny on tv, or heard a good joke or something. But last summer when mom called it was because my aunt had just been killed in a car accident.

And today, my dad and brother are at motorcycle racing school.

So when the phone rang, and I saw Mom on caller ID, I thought "oh crap". Then I thought "settle down... see what she has to say..." And she starts out "al?" and I can already tell her voice is wobbly, and panic rises again... She's slow spitting it out, and all I'm thinking is "dad and wood are dead... dad and wood are dead..." and I'm hoping "well maybe just injured. Please just be injured. Anything but dead."

Well, after all that build-up - the good news is, no one is dead. Or even (physically) injured.

And the truth is probably too private to post.

All I can say is... my sister fucked up. Big time. And I just hope she can fix it.

I called her when I got off the phone, but she's crying so hard she can't form words. Will try again later.

I'm not a praying person, but this deserves a prayer. :(

God help you sis.
But I love you anyway.

[and to my unwelcome guest- maybe you don't care about this 'fat fuck', but I think some of my friends do. Either man up and talk to my face (and sign your name), or don't talk at all, you little chicken shit. And know this is the last response you will get from me.]

first- can I just say how awesome Lost is?
I just watched last night's premiere, and I am so pissed that i have to wait a whole week for it to be on again.

And secondly- random question for you guys:
Have you ever heard of deodorant BLEACHING clothes?? I mean, I've heard of the pits of white shirts getting yellowed out over time... but today I'm wearing this cute blue tshirt that I just got... it was fine when I put it on... and i just noticed the mirror- the armpits are WHITE. Like bleach stains.
WTF! All I can think of is deodorant... but it's never happened before. But I think my shirt is ruined. I'm so mad!

But first I want to say- thanks everyone, for the moral support. But please know, I didn't write that post in the hopes that everyone would come tell me that I'm not fat. Because I am a little fat. And I don't love it, but I'm ok with it, and I'm working on it. My point was just that if the worst someone can come up with is that I'm fat and say "boy" too much- then I think I'm doing ok.

Ok, but to the point of my post.

Have you ever had those dreams where you find a secret place? I love those dreams. Like I find a secret door in the back of my closet that leads to like another whole house that no one knows about... Or a secret attic... Stuff like that.

Well I kind of feel like that happened to me yesterday- AT WORK.

The OR and our little office is on the third floor. The door to the parking lot, the cafeteria, and medical records is on the first floor. I have very little reason to ever go on 2. I wanted to go from 3 to 1, so I started down the stairs. Then absentmindedly stopped on two. I was halfway down the hall when I realized I was on the wrong floor. But then all of the sudden I came across this door (apologies for camera-phone pix):


A little sign said "solarium". So I tried it... and it was unlocked! And it led to this room:






It's a neat room. I think it's built off an old exterior wall- because one wall is brick, with obviously filled-in windows.

And It had neat old furniture in it, including this desk/secretary.


Now I have always loved old desks with all their secret compartments... So I tried this one- it opened. And was full of old records.


And instructions.


Please tell me I am not alone in thinking this was an awesome discovery. I immediately went and got my books, then turned on the lights, kicked off my shoes, and curled on one of the couches to study. I *may* have even rocked out to my ipod for a little while. And talked on the phone. I am TOTALLY making that place my new secret headquarters. Assuming it's still there when I go back. ;) And the door is still unlocked.

Maybe I *am* Callie from Grey's- the 'fat' chick dancing around (though I was in more than underwear) in my secret room in the hospital. :)

Hope you all had a Happy Monday. I finally cooked for the first time in about a month, and got lots of little crap done around the house. Finally decided it's not longer A/C season. :(

Ok, back to work.

-J

P.s. to my new reader- welcome, and thanks for stopping by. :)

So... I just came back from a lovely evening at 24 Linwood... Sorry I had to leave early, but I have to work in the AM. The house is gorgeous guys- nice job. :) And I met a bunch of new peeps- (e:twisted) , (e:kookcity2000) , (e:hodown) , (e:carolinian) ... and saw lots of other people I hadn't seen in a while. Good people, good drinks, good food, lovely setting- thanks everyone.

So then as I gathered up my stuff to leave, my phone beeped at me. A message. I had yet another anonymous post-it.

This one says:

@ 09/30/06 22:36 Guest wrote:

is there a fat chick on that show, because if there was it would be you..i don't know because i don't watch it...

What a lovely way to end the evening!

I don't even know what to say.

Fat, huh?

Is that the best you can do? Pick on my physical characteristics?
Wow, I'm so hurt.

Either I am engendering a lot of ill will throughout buffalo and this is someone new, or, more likely, my previous 'hater' is back.

By resorting to petty, anonymous, name- calling you show yourself for who you are- a judgmental, cowardly, bitch.

I feel no need to defend myself to you.

Next time you feel the need to insult me, why don't you be an adult and sign your name.

-J

p.s. Where were the (e:larsons)?

And p.p.s. To answer the question- yes there is a "fat chick" on the show- and for the record, she's the hot/sexy one.

Ok, since everyone likes to ask if my life is like Grey's Anatomy-
The answer is yes and no.
"No" to the parts about- sleeping with attendings/patients. Sex in storerooms (I WISH!). Underwear on the bulletin board.
"yes" to dealing with egos, crazy patients/co-workers, drama, and shitty hours.

But the best part ever was when they were talking about izzie being all fucked up and lying on the floor in her dress, and they tried to explain that after being in school for so long and never really getting to have a life- it's like she's still (socially) 17.

So fucking true.

And that is my excuse from now on.

I'm still 17.

---

The funny thing is- the character on the show that is the closest to my actual job is Bailey.

Which just cracks me up.

That is who I am supposed to be.

The mean bitchy "nazi" chief, barking orders and yelling at people.

I should take lessons from her.

Instead I am meek and mild and let my interns walk all over me.

For example- last night I was on call. My intern was this girl... I think she's older than me. She's going into anesthesia, and doesn't really care about surgery. But there are two patients on my team having surgery today. So yesterday I asked her to make sure that they are ready.
That involves:
nothing to eat after midnight
IV fluids after midnight
Make sure the consent is signed
make sure the pre-op labs are normal
check a chest xray
check the ekg
Then write a note in the chart summarizing all of the above.

This is standard intern fare. Saying "make sure those patients are pre-opped" should be adequate.

But she... how do I put this... isn't always the most reliable. So I paged her to make sure everything was under control. At like 5pm. She said "yup, it's all set. Just waiting on the chest xrays and ekgs, and I'll check labs in the morning."

Umm, ok, not sure what's actually done then.

I said "let's check the labs tonight, in case anything is abnormal and we need to work on it."
"ohhh. ok."

But it was early, she had plenty of time.

The rest of the night was pretty quiet.

I checked the labs myself.

This morning on rounds checked the charts.
No comments about the chest xrays.
So I asked her-
"how were those chest xrays?"
And she said 'oh... I didn't get a chance to look at them."

Didn't get a chance?
what the fuck were you doing all night?

• I* was busy in the ER seeing patients, but I just took care of that myself and with the junior resident, didn't bother her- figured we could handle it ourselves and she probably had enough work of her own to do. (for the record, that was nice of me. I could have just said "I don't CARE if you're busy. I am the chief. Go see these patients in the ER, write them up, come up with a plan, and then call me." But no. I tried to be nice.

So when she told me that she "didn't have a chance" to see the xrays, after I specifically shielded her from the ER all night, I could/should have said "why not? that's unacceptable. When I ask you to do these things, I need to know they'll get done. I have to be able to depend on you."

(a chief told me that and made my cry my first month of internship after a patient forget to take his meds and it was somehow my fault because I didn't call him at home the night before surgery to remind him (a grown man) to take the medication like we'd talked about in clinic, and written down on paper)

Instead I just said "oh... ok...." and walked away, fuming.

WTF.

Because the thing is- it's ultimately MY responsibility, and MY ass on the line if these things don't get done.

I think I will have a new motto:
WWBD.
What would bailey do?

I need to start cracking the whip!!

oops.
sorry for the rant.
again.

time for a nap so I am nice and un-cranky for y'all tomorrow!

Ok, I tend to avoid discussing politics, but I just saw this next to the elevator. I have no idea who wrote it or who posted it, (though the usual flyers are ads for "save little johnny" fundraisers/chinese auctions (I still don't know what a chinese auction is), overnight shopping trips to NYC, and gospel/urban community events (for lack of a better term)) but it pissed me off and I took it down.

This one says:

MEDICAID CUTS ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!

John Faso and Tom Suozzi are running for Governor of New York State and they both say Medicaid is an expensive program that NY can not afford. They feel we need "health care savings accounts". Health care savings accounts are money we are supposed to save out of our money. Are these two idiots? Most of us can not afford the co pays for our prescriptions. Most of us are scrimping by and they want us to get blood out of a rock. health care is a necessity not a luxury. After all politicians have the best healthcare and we pay for it. We must be heard, Medicaid should be preserved not cut. Thel imits should be raised so more people can qualify. We should have universal healthcare. Every man, women [sic] and child would have health insurance coverage. Make sure you are registered to vote. Write letters to the Buffalo News and politicians. Let them know no more cuts. Tell them Medicaid preservation must be at the top of their list.
Call: [list of reps]
Tell them no cuts to Medicaid. Once MEDCAID [sic] is gone it will be gone. Can you afford to pay for your own healthcare? Most of us can not. Please make the calls and write the letters and vote.

The election is right around the corner and they want your vote. They work for us and they need to start acting like it. Let them know we count. Also remember to let them know we can not afford so called health care savings accounts. MEDICAID MATTERS. We matter and we need to stay healthy!

I don't even know where to start. First of all, I applaud whoever wrote this for being an involved citizen and taking action. It's better than being apathetic (like I am). So that's good.
But... I just hate the fact that no one seems to want to take responsibility for anything.
Yes, health care is expensive. It's a crisis in this country. I understand it's hard to pay for meds. And medicaid IS an expensive program. But there's also something called personal responsibility and accountability. No such thing as a free lunch. Work for what you want. etc etc etc. I just don't get this attitude- "what?! PAY (part of) the cost of my meds?! Outrageous! how dare anyone suggest that!" I disagree that "health care is a right not a luxury". Don't get me wrong- I don't think you should be turned away from the ER b/c of insurance/money/lack thereof. BUT I also don't think it's unreasonable to be asked to pay a little something. Especially when it's a totally frivolous ER visit, as many of them are. Like calling the ambulance because you're drunk and hungry, then saying 'um... my leg hurts I think it's broken' (so the docs are obligated to check you out and get xrays) 'ok can I have a sandwich now?' (No, I am not exaggerating). Racking up a $1000 (at least, probably 10,000) ER bill, in order to get a "free" sandwich. Yeah, that's an efficient use of health care dollars.
People act like medical bills are just garbage and they can ignore them. Why is that?? You get yourself shot and are in the ICU for 2 months and have a 2 million dollar bill... obviously you can't pay it, I understand that, but who is supposed to? I just wish people would make a good faith effort. "Ok, I obviously can't afford 2 million, but here's the $10 I can afford."
I just don't understand why everyone thinks all their meds/surgery/etc should be free. Who do they think SHOULD pay for all this?

sorry for ranting, but this has always pissed me off.

In med school I spent some time working at Charity Hospital in New Orleans (RIP!). It was, as you might guess, a county hospital that served mostly the indigent population. Yet they still had a plastic surgery clinic. I never understood that. So we'd see all these people... and one of the most requested procedures was breast reduction. Now, breast reduction is considered a cosmetic procedure, and this is NOT covered by insurance, most of the time. BUT, if you meet certain weight/height/breast size criteria, sometimes it is considered "medically necessary". So when these giant obese women came in asking for their free breast reduction, the first thing we would do is check their height/weight on a chart and see if they qualify. So one day I had to tell this woman that she had to lose 50lb to qualify. (and these are NOT very strict weight guidlines- you do not have to be a stick. But 5'1 300lb doesn't cut it.) So she got ALL pissed. And yelled at me "so what are you saying? there's no way i can have this surgery?" And I said "well, like I said if you lose some weight we'll re-evaluate you. or of course if you are willing to pay for it." My god I thought she was going to slap me. How DARE I suggest that my tax dollars not pay for her cosmetic surgery.

Or a few months ago I was looking at the OR schedule at ECMC... and I saw I was assigned to a little case in the procedure room. "excision of skin lesion". That often means skin cancers. So I go to meet the patient... he's a prisoner. Ok, fine, ECMC is where the prisoners go. So I go to check out his 'lesion'- it's a very NON-suspicious looking mole on his nose. NOT worrisome for cancer. But on his face. And he didn't like the way it looked. so we removed it.

EXCUSE ME? Now prisoners get free cosmetic surgery?

My other favorite is when you see a patient in follow up and ask them if they took the medication you prescribed... say, an antibiotic to try to keep their infected toe (due to diabetes/obesity/smoking) from falling off- and they say no, they didn't, because they couldn't afford it. Yet somehow they could afford 2 6-packs a week and 2 packs a day. oh, and could we give them some "free samples" of that, what's it called, lortab? Because they're "allergic" to tylenol and ibuprofen.

Ok, and while I'm ranting...

I saw something on CNN tonight- Bush has proposed a "north american union"- combining the US/Canada/Mexico??? Huh???

And then this one- the ACLU is asking Rhode Island to just "not enforce" immigration laws. Saying it's not fair to send illegal immigrants home. Umm, aren't they called ILLEGAL immigrants for a reason?

haha, see, that is why I don't talk politics much. my views are often too far to the right and I get labelled a rich bitch who doesn't care about the poor.

Which is not true.

But I just hate when people think they are entitled to everything.

So go ahead... flame away...

-J

So I still have the much-too-expensive new tivo box on the brain.
And I found out that if I WERE to get it, I'd be able to get rid of two cable boxes, in exchange for 2 tiny little cablecards. Which would actually DROP my cable bill by $20/mo. But I would lose on-demand stuff. But it would help reduce the embarrassingly over-large pile of A/V components I have by the tv. I could also probably pack up my VCR that I haven't used in 5yr.

My brain is trying to tell me that that justifies this purchase.

Why am I such a whore for cool gadgets, or as I call them, toys?

Ugh.

I think I need a no computer (or at least no internet) time-out. For like two weeks. Imagine all the stuff I could get done that I never "have time" to get around to.

What a terrible thought. I would go insane.

I am at work and bored and tired.

But that is better than at work and swamped.

13hr down, 14 to go. (ugh).

A nurse just came over and gave me a mini kit-kat. Said I looked like I needed some sugar. She must have seen me drooling on the chart I was "reading". Ok not quite, but my eyes were heavy.

PMT what do you need/want for your house? Are you kitchen-y/cook-y guys? crap.

hey i haven't changed my user song in forever. I don't even know what it is right now. maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

Ok, back to work before I bore you all to death. See you sat!

My dad just sent me this pic. The black things are actually just the shadows.

Ok, this is probably exactly the kind of thing I do NOT want circulating the internet- but somehow I can't not post it.

This is a picture of a picture that has been on a refrigerator magnet at my parents' house for probably 10 years.

Have a good laugh. :)

(the new userpic is from the fridge, too. That's at the beach, about age 4).

-J

Since I got this anonymously, this is the only way I can respond:

"I really dislike you. You are annoying, self absorbed, and downright annoying. You aren't very pretty. You are chubby. You say "boy" far to often for a woman your age. You pretend that you are far to good for most people when really you just aren't. Good luck with all that."

I am sorry to hear you really dislike me. Can't win 'em all, right? Since I don't know who you are, I don't know if I have met you, and I can't say if I like you or not. However if you are who I think you are, and/or you think anonymous insults are an acceptable form of communication- I lean towards not liking you either. But who knows... I try to give people the benefit of the doubt; at least until I've met them and can form an opinion.

I am annoying, and downright annoying. Not sure what to say to that. I'm sorry you feel that way.

As far as being self-absorbed- please remember this is my journal. It's mine, so it's about me, and it's a journal, so it's where I bitch and say whatever I want. I actually care very much about other people- too much at times, as a matter of fact.

I'm not very pretty... well thanks. Not much I can do about that one... I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.

I'm chubby. Yes, I am. And I'm working on it. But thanks for pointing out what is probably my biggest insecurity.

I say boy too much... Gee, what a crime. If you would prefer I use his real name rather than "the boy", I'd be happy to, but I thought I'd try to keep names out of it.

And I think I'm too good for everyone... well that's simply not true. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and I do hope to eventually be with someone that I respect- But i certainly don't think I'm "too good" for everyone.

Since I'm not sure you're who I think you are, I will refrain from passing judgment publicly. I will just say 'good luck with all that' to you too.

If you would like to discuss this further, please leave a way for me to contact you, and I'll gladly do so and we can take this discussion out of the public eye.