"Fan mail" written by Jenks on estrip.org

09/17/06 11:44 - 67ºF - ID#23950

Fan mail

Since I got this anonymously, this is the only way I can respond:

"I really dislike you. You are annoying, self absorbed, and downright annoying. You aren't very pretty. You are chubby. You say "boy" far to often for a woman your age. You pretend that you are far to good for most people when really you just aren't. Good luck with all that."

I am sorry to hear you really dislike me. Can't win 'em all, right? Since I don't know who you are, I don't know if I have met you, and I can't say if I like you or not. However if you are who I think you are, and/or you think anonymous insults are an acceptable form of communication- I lean towards not liking you either. But who knows... I try to give people the benefit of the doubt; at least until I've met them and can form an opinion.

I am annoying, and downright annoying. Not sure what to say to that. I'm sorry you feel that way.

As far as being self-absorbed- please remember this is my journal. It's mine, so it's about me, and it's a journal, so it's where I bitch and say whatever I want. I actually care very much about other people- too much at times, as a matter of fact.

I'm not very pretty... well thanks. Not much I can do about that one... I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.

I'm chubby. Yes, I am. And I'm working on it. But thanks for pointing out what is probably my biggest insecurity.

I say boy too much... Gee, what a crime. If you would prefer I use his real name rather than "the boy", I'd be happy to, but I thought I'd try to keep names out of it.

And I think I'm too good for everyone... well that's simply not true. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and I do hope to eventually be with someone that I respect- But i certainly don't think I'm "too good" for everyone.

Since I'm not sure you're who I think you are, I will refrain from passing judgment publicly. I will just say 'good luck with all that' to you too.

If you would like to discuss this further, please leave a way for me to contact you, and I'll gladly do so and we can take this discussion out of the public eye.

jenks writes at 05:24:23 09/18/06 - Comment #11543: Oh yeah, and he would sooner die than write "to often" "to good" and "arent"- which is part of what I liked so much in him. haha.

jenks writes at 05:22:22 09/18/06 - Comment #11542: I doubt it's him. He couldn't be bothered even acknowledging me these days. And, it's not his writing style. I assume it's a girl b/c what guy says 'chubby'- and what guy calls a chick out for not being pretty enough and using the word 'boy' too much? I totally think it's a girl. Who or why, I don't know. I had a hunch, but I think I'm wrong. I'm sure I'll never know. And you all are right- I shouldn't have even dignified it with a response, but I am somehow incapable of letting a phone call/email/text message/IM etc go without a response. (the bad thing is I expect the same from others.)

But I didn't expect all this response, peeps! Thanks!

ajay writes at 05:07:48 09/18/06 - Comment #11540: I think (e:ladycroft) is on to something.

My money's on The Boy as the author of the note; failing that, The Boy's wife/girlfriend.

ladycroft writes at 04:50:02 09/18/06 - Comment #11538: interesting, imk2 and joshua both insinuate it is a female that wrote the post-it. is it easier to assume that kind of talk from a jealous girl rather than some asshole of a guy? just a random thought.

pyrcedgrrl writes at 10:55:25 09/17/06 - Comment #11515: I don't understand the point in posting this/responding to some moron who sends around anonymous messages. Why give them the satisfaction? They seriously don't deserve the time and effort it took you to write this.

jason writes at 05:32:28 09/17/06 - Comment #11493: Whatever, whoever wrote that to you is obviously a giant toolbox with an axe to grind. They doubtlessly have their own flaws they need to worry about instead of griefing you.

twisted writes at 02:10:45 09/17/06 - Comment #11485: Wow. That is the email of a seriously disturbed person. Or someone who is very threatened by you. You handled it better than I could have, and I consider myself pretty diplomatic.

You might consider changing your preferences to not accept anonymous messages until this thing blows over. You wouldn't be censoring yourself - just denying the anonymous a voice through your journal.

mrmike writes at 01:53:40 09/17/06 - Comment #11484: There is nothing I can say that Imk didn't say better already other than "here, Here." Good for you for taking the high road. You're a class act. There, unfortunately, are assholes everywhere. Do n't let them get to you. You're a beautiful intelligent woman who doesn't have to act above nonsense like the "guest," because you are above the guest. If he/shit/it had any integrity, they would reveal themselves to you instead of cowardly hiding behind such anonymous immaturity.
Delete em, move on

imk2 writes at 12:46:08 09/17/06 - Comment #11483: you know what jenks, i like your response. i probably would have been much nastier and harsher but one cant really do that when you dont know who it is that's insulting you. i guess the thing to realize is that anyone (you, me, bill clinton) who puts personal beliefs, opinions, views and/or talents in public view will always have those that dislike/disagree with what you do or say. this is just like our amazing video and the person who told us to jump of a bridge and join weight watchers. But the thing is, someone will always dislike you even when you dont have a public journal or when youâ€™re not in the public light. it just cant be avoided. the only difference here is that they can share their feelings toward you without revealing their identity. if you didnt have a public journal, those that did not like you would have no way of telling you that they dont like you without revealing who they are, so instead, people just talk behind your back.

this happens everyday to everyone, all the time, in one way or another. remember, we were talking about this the other day. you never know what people think about because people will usually never tell you for fear of a confrontation. thatâ€™s why the electronic world has given people who normally would hang their head low and keep their mouth shut an enormous set of balls. they finally feel like they can stand up to people or bully people or insult them without getting their ass pounded in.

so dont worry a tiny bit about this idiot. and to them yes, you may be annoying. but who cares! there are a lot of people who find you very entertaining and funny and interesting. you may be chubby, but you get to eat yummy tasty food and get to enjoy things that skinny bitches cant. i stay chubby because i am too lazy to exercise and because i would rather spend my time in other ways. those are my priorities. i'll be fat but i'll be happier this way than if i had to count calories and sweat my ass of everyday.

so my point was....eh...i dont even know what it was but you get my drift. yes there are people that dont like you. we all have to live and deal with that. you can please everyone and you cant kiss everyoneâ€™s ass. be nice to the people that are important to you, make sure they like you and stay liking you and you'll be set for life.

tell that bitch that if youre feeling generous one day, you'll be happy to cut away her roast beef when it begins to hang down to her knees and saw it back onto her mouth, so that she can see what a big, nasty, pussy she really is.

Permalink: Fan_mail.html
Words: 406
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: boring

09/16/06 12:56 - 67ºF - ID#23949

random stuff

I should write a book about the boy drama. It involves internet espionage, name-calling, vicious emails, the silent game, and mystery guests. It might be a best-seller.

Unfortunately that drama continues b/c I am an idiot and just cannot move on. I thought I was getting better, but as I proved to myself (and poor imk) last night- it is still ALL I can talk about. And as anyone who knows me knows- I can talk.

But we were also talking- where have all the peeps gone?? There are like 20 people that post regularly. I swear there used to be more. Hmmmmm.

So not all that many people post, but SOMEONE sure is reading... I have been naive enough until now to think that no one outside of this site reads my journal. I mean, why would they? And how/why would they even find it? But (e:matthew) told me once that one of his kid's mom likes my journal... And then my mystery guest found me... And then as yvonne pointed out- right now I have 224 journals. And 36,000+ views. Someone besides the 20-or-so active estrippers are reading. Hmmm...

I think I have to go to the mall. I don't want to, but my favorite (and only) jeans have a big hole in them. But, maybe I can peek at the new ipods. I am still trying to resist the call of that ridiculously overpriced new tivo box. I really think my ridiculously overpriced tv NEEDS it though....

Duh... I just had to come back to edit this, b/c I forgot the whole reason I wanted to post-

It has gotten to the point that I simply tune out all political talk. I just can't deal with it. And I'm not so into the Bush-bashing- but this video is kind of interesting. I'm not so sure there's pathology there besides getting older and being busy/distracted- but there is a big difference.
Bush: 10 yrs ago vs now:

pyrcedgrrl writes at 03:01:18 09/17/06 - Comment #11475: Remember that if you have posted any pictures they are searchable through Google photos. If one of your pictures happens to come up for a search and that person happens to click on it it may be registering as a view. I doubt anyone is interested enough in ANYONE'S journal to merit 36,000 views.

paul writes at 10:52:12 09/16/06 - Comment #11467: There are a lot of reasons. The foremost being that I never promote the site anymore now that I am so busy with other things. Anyone who gets here nowadays is purely through fate. It really needs a whole advertsing campaign and I used to do that kind of stuff a lot. Also many of the people I knew through school and we all graduated. What I really wanted was an articel somewhere about the site, the problem being also that I don't necessarily want to attract the myspace crowd, call me blogscentric.

I also think as the site became more public it scared away a lot of people who used to talk about stuff they felt open about only within this closed environment. I know I changed the way I post sometimes. Okay well not very much, but for other people it affected there writing a lot. Look at what happend with you and the dog boy. I am sure stuff like happens to lots of people and then they question they idea of maintaining the public persona or just quitting.

Still even more people don't have their own computers or steady internet connections. I can;t imagine what their lives are like.

And even more so I think it has to do with a lot of weird interpersonal things that most people don't realize. I think there is a lot of behind the scenes drama that goes on and affects people.

kookcity2000 writes at 10:05:54 09/16/06 - Comment #11465: how do you tell how many views you have?

metalpeter writes at 02:43:05 09/16/06 - Comment #11455: you have wrtiing 238 posts based on your post # or 225 actual journals that are up so when I did the math based on the 238 you had about 151 looks per journal. If you look at your own journal when not logged in you get counted, not sure how the rest of the counting really works, I'm sure (e:Paul) could explain it in great detail for yeah. What you say is correct about there being a lot of people who don't post verry often. I'm not sure why that is. I know some people don't have the time to post. I won't say the persons name but there is someones whos posts I allways read but she dosn't really post anymore. I know there are a few self professed Serial Readers who Just read the journals. I wonder if there is this outside in side circle thing going on. It almost seems like there are these small groups of people who know each other and that if not in that group it makes it hard to post. If no one knew me why would they care what I had to say about my day. Things other then my day like politics or sex might grab there interest. That might be one reason a lot of people don't post. Maybe there where people who got lost over that terms of service thing way back. Not sure just kinda guessing. I can remember when I would post and I was never close to the top 10. Now It seems I'm always in the list of the top 15. Hopefully some of the new people will continue to post. In terms of who is reading Journals I'm sure it is people other then members of the site. Who they are I have no idea, I'm guessing a good portion of them find the site searching the net for stuff.

That gives me an idea if (e:theecarey) or (e:Paul) is reading it. Maybe on the front page of the site have a survey box for how someone found the site. Those surveys could change over time.

Permalink: random_stuff.html
Words: 337
Location: Buffalo, NY

09/13/06 09:23 - 66ºF - ID#23948

day from hell

god dammit.

So I'm already in a pissy mood. And then my post got erased and there's no restore button. I fucking hate microsoft.

Work kicks my ass today. I have not eaten breakfast, lunch, or dinner, or peed. The cafeteria is now closed, and I have no small bills for the vending machines. Guess I will eat saltines and diet ginger ale for dinner. (not a bad diet, though- I have lost a few pounds already. :| )

Not to mention the fucking disaster drama in my personal life, that is making me lose sleep and have nightmares and feel sick to my stomach. I hate drama, but I seem to be a drama magnet.

I don't know what to do about it. Put up a fight? Roll over and play dead? Do what a normal person would do, say fuck it, cut my losses, and move on? It's eating me up.

And then some bitch in the ER just paged me and gave me attitude b/c she has some million year old guy that has been waiting there for 9 hours. I said "ok we'll see him as soon as we can, but we are SWAMPED." And she got pissy and said 'he's been here 9 hours." yeah that sucks, but I only heard about him 30 seconds ago. Give me a minute...

Sorry. I'm cranky.

But on a good note- I got flirted-with in the OR, I might get to be social this weekend, and the coffee machine at work is working again!

Ok, can't blow off the ER anymore...

later peeps.

-J

Permalink: day_from_hell.html
Words: 262
Location: Buffalo, NY

09/11/06 04:08 - 68ºF - ID#23946

guest comment

Just got a cryptic postit from 'guest'... about Mobius??

Anyone?

I have no clue.

Permalink: guest_comment.html
Words: 14
Location: Buffalo, NY

09/08/06 05:29 - 75ºF - ID#23944

testing, testing

Ok, so I just spent FAR to long working on this... Now to see if it will post.

And can I just say- Photoshop is NOT an intuitive program? All this crap with layers... I couldn't figure out how to do the simplest thing- put a little border/frame around it.

Oh well.

Enjoy... (and give it a second... it should change)

Permalink: testing_testing.html
Words: 64
Location: Buffalo, NY

09/08/06 10:50 - 66ºF - ID#23943

Second of the day

Oh, myspace....

Ok, why can't I get messages like this*:

HELLO GORGIOUS IM FEELING YOU PICS YOU HAVE A NATURAL BEAUTY THAT IS STUNNING YOU SEEM LIKE A SENSUAL,CARING,INTELLEGENT,VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I LOVE MATURE WOMEN THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT HOPEFULLY ILL BE THE ONE WHO GIVE IT TO YOU YOU IS SO IRRESISTABLE I WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU SO WRITE ME BACK SEXY

From guys who 1- can spell, 2- don't go by 'SHADE Shadow Walka' and 3- don't describe themselves with:

"I'm all about dat street music,Dat real talk. I do it wit da hood,I do it 4 da hood.I do it 4 my baby boy,my family. My lil' brother(R.I.P. Jarell Muhammad) "I'll see U when I get there nigga,until then........." My team is hungrier than a group of nymphomaniac's at a sausage party, LET'S GET IT!"

And while on the subject, I wish "CHRIS RIGGS FOR PRESIDENT AT NEUE HOUSE" would stop trying to 'add' me. Have denied him twice today already.

except- doesn't "mature" really mean "old"?

Permalink: Second_of_the_day.html
Words: 183
Location: Buffalo, NY

09/08/06 09:42 - 66ºF - ID#23942

sigh...

I hope, someday, the day will come that I can hear this without breaking into tears.

I once knew a girl in the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer: all beauty and truth
But in the morning I fled, left a note and it read:
Someday you will be loved

And I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
'Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
Just as the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs: like I never occurred
And someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
And someday you will be loved

(

"Someday you will be loved", Death Cab for Cutie)

PS- How could I forget?!
There's another new mix available for your downloading pleasure... here:

or the "my mixes" link over there

>

Permalink: sigh_.html
Words: 203
Location: Buffalo, NY

09/06/06 05:49 - 69ºF - ID#23941

Timika-

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Permalink: Timika_.html
Words: 2
Location: Buffalo, NY

09/04/06 05:40 - 67ºF - ID#23940

ew, ew, ewewewewew, ewwwww

Ok, so I am working today, and I am working all night, and I think I've said that a thousand times already, but I am not happy about it. Particularly since I had to work fri/sat/sun day AND night.
And the icing in the cake- they just told me I have to give an hour long powerpoint presentation on wed. Majorly high-stakes, high-stress stuff.

So, not much new in my life these days. Starting back at BGH today, which I feel will be a rude awakening after spending the whole summer at the VA-spa. BUT- it means I can have lunch with peeps sometimes! Other than that, I'm still in a bit of a sad limbo funk, and this weather is not helping.

But the reason I'm posting-
(stop here if you have a weak stomach...)

So I was just called down to the ER to see a lady with a "leg problem". So I go down there.... she's the sweetest little 82 year old lady... maybe a little bit "pleasantly demented", but with the cutest little... Jamaican? accent. She had one leg amputated last year, and then for the last two weeks her other leg was bothering her... finally her daughter was worried and brought her in for us to see... So I was talking to her, trying to take her history, and this big pesky fly kept buzzing around my head. So many bugs lately! Saw a roach at the VA, and a bee on the third floor here. Gross. So I talk to her, then I listen to her heart and lungs, examine her belly, blah blah. Then get down to her leg, which she has wrapped in a blanket.

It was gross.

Red and swollen and infected with weeping ulcers all over, and it smelled horrible...

and, upon closer examination-

(you guessed it)

MAGGOTS!!

I guess that explains the fly...

Poor little thing... she's most likely going to lose that leg too. I feel badly for her. I don't think she has any clue how bad it is. :(

Ok, back to work...

Happy Birthday Jen and Timika.

-J

Permalink: ew_ew_ewewewewew_ewwwww.html
Words: 353
Location: Buffalo, NY

08/31/06 03:10 - 70ºF - ID#23939

I need help being tough

Ugh.
I wish I could NOT be such a pushover sometimes...

I am on call this weekend. That means friday, saturday, and sunday. 24hr/day. Which screws me over a little to start, but it's luck of the draw and it was my 'turn' and so I'll just suck it up and deal.

Then I start at a new hospital monday.

I called them two weeks ago and asked "can I please NOT be on call monday 9/4. 1- because I'd like a day to get settled in the new hospital, and 2- because i'm already on call fri/sat/sun."

So the schedule came out- I am on call tues.
Perfect. Still have to work monday, but not overnight.
So I made plans based on this schedule.

In order for me to not work mon, they switched me with someone, who is my sernior.

Well he called me yesterday... "hey... just saw the schedule... they didn't ask me about it when they made it, and so I didn't know I was on monday, and I made plans, so I can't do it, so you have to."

And I said "well i'm already working fri/sat/sun" and he said "well you'll have to get someone to trade with you."

I asked today.

No one will trade. Why would they? It's a long holiday weekend... they made plans too.

So now I feel like I'm stuck.

I mean it's just one more call... not the end of the world... but still- why should I just have to be the one to be screwed?

Esp b/c they guy doing the screwing is apparently known for always screwing everyone.

I should just say "i'm sorry, but that's the schedule that's been submitted. I'm sorry you didn't check it before making your plans. But I have plans too. Sorry I can't help you." and make him change his plans. Unfortunately, I don't think I could ever say that. Instead I say "ok... well... i'll see what i can do... if i have to do it, i have to do it..." Is that "team player", or is that "doormat"?

the thing is, he is my senior. I don't want to piss him off on day one and have him make the next six weeks miserable for me. Also his plans (which include plane tickets) are maybe more important than mine (doctor's appt.)

But on the other hand... I shouldn't just let people walk all over me. My time is just as impt as his- I am the one that's playing by the rules- I checked the schedule before setting things up.

I guess the bottom line is that I can never say no to anyone. I'm afraid of upsetting them, so I always take all this shit on myself.
And that sucks. And I need to stand up for myself once in a while.

-J