I should write a book about the boy drama. It involves internet espionage, name-calling, vicious emails, the silent game, and mystery guests. It might be a best-seller.

Unfortunately that drama continues b/c I am an idiot and just cannot move on. I thought I was getting better, but as I proved to myself (and poor imk) last night- it is still ALL I can talk about. And as anyone who knows me knows- I can talk.

But we were also talking- where have all the peeps gone?? There are like 20 people that post regularly. I swear there used to be more. Hmmmmm.

So not all that many people post, but SOMEONE sure is reading... I have been naive enough until now to think that no one outside of this site reads my journal. I mean, why would they? And how/why would they even find it? But (e:matthew) told me once that one of his kid's mom likes my journal... And then my mystery guest found me... And then as yvonne pointed out- right now I have 224 journals. And 36,000+ views. Someone besides the 20-or-so active estrippers are reading. Hmmm...

I think I have to go to the mall. I don't want to, but my favorite (and only) jeans have a big hole in them. But, maybe I can peek at the new ipods. I am still trying to resist the call of that ridiculously overpriced new tivo box. I really think my ridiculously overpriced tv NEEDS it though....

Duh... I just had to come back to edit this, b/c I forgot the whole reason I wanted to post-

It has gotten to the point that I simply tune out all political talk. I just can't deal with it. And I'm not so into the Bush-bashing- but this video is kind of interesting. I'm not so sure there's pathology there besides getting older and being busy/distracted- but there is a big difference.
Bush: 10 yrs ago vs now:

god dammit.

So I'm already in a pissy mood. And then my post got erased and there's no restore button. I fucking hate microsoft.

Work kicks my ass today. I have not eaten breakfast, lunch, or dinner, or peed. The cafeteria is now closed, and I have no small bills for the vending machines. Guess I will eat saltines and diet ginger ale for dinner. (not a bad diet, though- I have lost a few pounds already. :| )

Not to mention the fucking disaster drama in my personal life, that is making me lose sleep and have nightmares and feel sick to my stomach. I hate drama, but I seem to be a drama magnet.

I don't know what to do about it. Put up a fight? Roll over and play dead? Do what a normal person would do, say fuck it, cut my losses, and move on? It's eating me up.

And then some bitch in the ER just paged me and gave me attitude b/c she has some million year old guy that has been waiting there for 9 hours. I said "ok we'll see him as soon as we can, but we are SWAMPED." And she got pissy and said 'he's been here 9 hours." yeah that sucks, but I only heard about him 30 seconds ago. Give me a minute...

Sorry. I'm cranky.

But on a good note- I got flirted-with in the OR, I might get to be social this weekend, and the coffee machine at work is working again!

Ok, can't blow off the ER anymore...

later peeps.

-J

Just got a cryptic postit from 'guest'... about Mobius??

Anyone?

I have no clue.

Ok, so I just spent FAR to long working on this... Now to see if it will post.

And can I just say- Photoshop is NOT an intuitive program? All this crap with layers... I couldn't figure out how to do the simplest thing- put a little border/frame around it.

Oh well.

Enjoy... (and give it a second... it should change)

Oh, myspace....

Ok, why can't I get messages like this*:

HELLO GORGIOUS IM FEELING YOU PICS YOU HAVE A NATURAL BEAUTY THAT IS STUNNING YOU SEEM LIKE A SENSUAL,CARING,INTELLEGENT,VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I LOVE MATURE WOMEN THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT HOPEFULLY ILL BE THE ONE WHO GIVE IT TO YOU YOU IS SO IRRESISTABLE I WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU SO WRITE ME BACK SEXY

From guys who 1- can spell, 2- don't go by 'SHADE Shadow Walka' and 3- don't describe themselves with:

"I'm all about dat street music,Dat real talk. I do it wit da hood,I do it 4 da hood.I do it 4 my baby boy,my family. My lil' brother(R.I.P. Jarell Muhammad) "I'll see U when I get there nigga,until then........." My team is hungrier than a group of nymphomaniac's at a sausage party, LET'S GET IT!"

And while on the subject, I wish "CHRIS RIGGS FOR PRESIDENT AT NEUE HOUSE" would stop trying to 'add' me. Have denied him twice today already.

• except- doesn't "mature" really mean "old"?

I hope, someday, the day will come that I can hear this without breaking into tears.

I once knew a girl in the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer: all beauty and truth
But in the morning I fled, left a note and it read:
Someday you will be loved

And I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
'Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
Just as the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs: like I never occurred
And someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
And someday you will be loved

(

---

"Someday you will be loved", Death Cab for Cutie)

PS- How could I forget?!
There's another new mix available for your downloading pleasure... here: or the "my mixes" link over there

---

>

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Ok, so I am working today, and I am working all night, and I think I've said that a thousand times already, but I am not happy about it. Particularly since I had to work fri/sat/sun day AND night.
And the icing in the cake- they just told me I have to give an hour long powerpoint presentation on wed. Majorly high-stakes, high-stress stuff.

So, not much new in my life these days. Starting back at BGH today, which I feel will be a rude awakening after spending the whole summer at the VA-spa. BUT- it means I can have lunch with peeps sometimes! Other than that, I'm still in a bit of a sad limbo funk, and this weather is not helping.

But the reason I'm posting-
(stop here if you have a weak stomach...)

So I was just called down to the ER to see a lady with a "leg problem". So I go down there.... she's the sweetest little 82 year old lady... maybe a little bit "pleasantly demented", but with the cutest little... Jamaican? accent. She had one leg amputated last year, and then for the last two weeks her other leg was bothering her... finally her daughter was worried and brought her in for us to see... So I was talking to her, trying to take her history, and this big pesky fly kept buzzing around my head. So many bugs lately! Saw a roach at the VA, and a bee on the third floor here. Gross. So I talk to her, then I listen to her heart and lungs, examine her belly, blah blah. Then get down to her leg, which she has wrapped in a blanket.

It was gross.

Red and swollen and infected with weeping ulcers all over, and it smelled horrible...

and, upon closer examination-

(you guessed it)

MAGGOTS!!

I guess that explains the fly...

Poor little thing... she's most likely going to lose that leg too. I feel badly for her. I don't think she has any clue how bad it is. :(

Ok, back to work...

Happy Birthday Jen and Timika.

-J

Ugh.
I wish I could NOT be such a pushover sometimes...

I am on call this weekend. That means friday, saturday, and sunday. 24hr/day. Which screws me over a little to start, but it's luck of the draw and it was my 'turn' and so I'll just suck it up and deal.

Then I start at a new hospital monday.

I called them two weeks ago and asked "can I please NOT be on call monday 9/4. 1- because I'd like a day to get settled in the new hospital, and 2- because i'm already on call fri/sat/sun."

So the schedule came out- I am on call tues.
Perfect. Still have to work monday, but not overnight.
So I made plans based on this schedule.

In order for me to not work mon, they switched me with someone, who is my sernior.

Well he called me yesterday... "hey... just saw the schedule... they didn't ask me about it when they made it, and so I didn't know I was on monday, and I made plans, so I can't do it, so you have to."

And I said "well i'm already working fri/sat/sun" and he said "well you'll have to get someone to trade with you."

I asked today.

No one will trade. Why would they? It's a long holiday weekend... they made plans too.

So now I feel like I'm stuck.

I mean it's just one more call... not the end of the world... but still- why should I just have to be the one to be screwed?

Esp b/c they guy doing the screwing is apparently known for always screwing everyone.

I should just say "i'm sorry, but that's the schedule that's been submitted. I'm sorry you didn't check it before making your plans. But I have plans too. Sorry I can't help you." and make him change his plans. Unfortunately, I don't think I could ever say that. Instead I say "ok... well... i'll see what i can do... if i have to do it, i have to do it..." Is that "team player", or is that "doormat"?

the thing is, he is my senior. I don't want to piss him off on day one and have him make the next six weeks miserable for me. Also his plans (which include plane tickets) are maybe more important than mine (doctor's appt.)

But on the other hand... I shouldn't just let people walk all over me. My time is just as impt as his- I am the one that's playing by the rules- I checked the schedule before setting things up.

I guess the bottom line is that I can never say no to anyone. I'm afraid of upsetting them, so I always take all this shit on myself.
And that sucks. And I need to stand up for myself once in a while.

-J

Ok, so, um-
WHERE THE FUCK DID THE SUMMER GO?
it's almost labor day weekend!
Last time I checked it was June.
I have done NOTHING summery.
Have barely been outside. Have not been to the beach, or on the water. Have not done anything cool and warm and fun.
LAME!
Not that I haven't had some fun nights, but my god, where did the time go.
This chill in the air is making me sad.
I like fall, but I'm just not QUITE ready for it.

Next thought- I'm hoping you guys can help me restore my faith in men...
so today this guy at work was talking about this girl that he just went on vacation with... apparently they used to date seriously but now he's here and it's long distance... but he was talking about how great she is. How he thinks she's beautiful, they're attracted to each other, he loves spending time with her, she's funny and smart, he respects her, etc. He said she has "serious marriage potential". Sounds great, right? I asked what the problem is... he said aside from distance, it's that "it could get serious". I asked why that was bad, and he said he didn't want to hurt her. I said "huh?" and he said "well... I'm torn between really caring for her- and wanting to womanize and sleep with as many women as possible."

HUH???

I almost couldn't believe he was willing to tell me this. (though he did ask me the other day for my advice on how to pick up a toll collector.)

But he went on... he said that he used to attract hot girls, when he was young and thin. Now he's a little paunchier, greyer, etc. But he said he's found that now that he's a doc, he's getting cute girls again... and he said with every year he advances in his career, the girls get hotter and hotter... so he's seriously not sure if he should EVER get married, b/c in a few years he thinks he'll be bagging supermodels.

I asked "well doesn't all that great stuff about this girl count for something? Wouldn't you rather have SOME connection than just "a lot of hot ass?"

And he had to think for a sec, and said "i don't think so."

WTF!

Please tell me guys... is this how all guys think???

And my last tidbit-
I find this a little bit amusing... maybe b/c it hits close to home...
though I must say it's a weird advertising campaign- I'm not sure what demographic they're trying to appeal to...
But it's smirnoff's new "prepsta" (prep+gangsta) campaign for "Raw Tea".
Check out the video- And the "playa handbook" includes such gems as "your money's so new it's got ben franklin's baby picture on it!" Ooh, SNAP!

Ok, I think that's about it for now...
Time for some food, since I finally went grocery shopping for the first time in months. :)

-J