02/26/08 11:08 - 28ºF - ID#43477

Comic Strips are Lame

Ya damn kids.

When I was a boy we had comics that were actually funny. The Far Side, Calvin and Hobbs, Opus. Those were actually the only three. Peanuts was a little too Christian for my tastes, but occasionally would capture the strange, befuddling awe of a simple man trying to understand an infinitely complex world. But really, more often than not comics just disappointed.

Case and point. Family Circus. The grandfather had a bit part until he died. Now he is in every fucking strip. Disappointment.

But really, I want to talk to you about the brilliance that is Garfield. Jim Davis is a sort of idiot savant. He comics are terrible. They have no crushing moral like Family Circus nor do they ironically poke fun at the genera like Boondocks. No. Garfield sucks. It is the purest insipid garbage.

But imagine Garfield in the hands of William Burroughs. Bill would take scissors to it, rearrange it, and turn crap into alchemic gold! Since he is gone, we now have to rely on machines to do that work for us, and to great effect.

Behold! The Garfield Comic Randomizer!

Now if only it could make Hagar entertaining.

Permalink: Comic_Strips_are_Lame.html
Words: 200
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: politics

02/25/08 01:05 - 30ºF - ID#43455

Clinton is a bitch

I have been avoiding the b-word for a while now. But now that the Clinton campaign is swirling in the bottom of the bowl and her claws are out, it seems like the only word.

Listen to this bit from the weekend.

Nice, she complains about him not paying attention to specifics (he does) and then fails to attack him on specifics but rather go into a tantrum and just call him names.

Now today we have this

Mike Drudge reports that the Clinton campaign has been circulating this photo of Obama on a diplomatic trip to Somalia in 2006. He is trying on the traditional Somali garb, something senators do on diplomatic trips.

Come on.

Permalink: Clinton_is_a_bitch.html
Words: 124
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: politics

02/24/08 12:02 - 25ºF - ID#43446

Jesus Ralph, Put a Sock In It

Guess who is running for president!

That is right! George Bush's chief enabler Ralph fucking Nader! Ralph will be irrelevant this election as an Independent. Oh the hubris! The arrogance! God damn it man, just lay off.

Permalink: Jesus_Ralph_Put_a_Sock_In_It.html
Words: 44
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: politics

02/19/08 11:12 - 21ºF - ID#43391

The Endorsment that Matters

Talk to Rush Limbaugh and he will tell you that the Clintons and Fidel Castro have been in an unholy cabal of Marxist-Leninist ideology. That was made all too apparent today when the Clinton's phoned their close friend Fidel and asked him to "drop the bomb". And drop the bomb he did.

Fidel has been waiting for the word for years. When Hillary was the inevitable candidate she had planned on visiting Cuba in her first year of the presidency and repair relations. But now that her campaign is on life support she needed to have Fidel create as big a news storm as possible. So he resigned.

But why now? Why did Hillary need Fidel to resign?

Quite simply, to obscure the most important and coveted endorsement for president of any party. The endorsement that Barack Obama got today.

note. This post is true from here on in*

I am speaking of course of the Ben and Jerry endorsement.

Yes, the ice cream purveyors have announced they will not just endorse Obama but campaign for him in their home state of Vermont. The Vermont primary is on March 4th. Ben and Jerry unleashed a fleet of "ObamaModibles" where they will spread the word to voters and give out scoops of "Cherries for Change" flavored ice cream.

Is there any question who the inevitable candidate is now?

Permalink: The_Endorsment_that_Matters.html
Words: 227
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: gym

02/17/08 06:32 - 46ºF - ID#43376

Best Workout EVAH!

Well crap,

I suppose if anyone could take mugging and turn it into a workout the Japanese could.

If they offer classes like this at Allentown Athletix I am so switching!

Permalink: Best_Workout_EVAH_.html
Words: 39
Location: Buffalo, NY

02/15/08 11:21 - 24ºF - ID#43343

Bat Pussy

This post was stolen almost entirely from Susie Bright's blog.*

I am a lucky man. Porn it is ubiquitous. Go online to look for a car loan and you end up with two buxom babes urging you to click their clits to lower your interest rate. Search for a puttanesca recipe and midget furries gang bang some guy dressed as Spock. But I should say here that quantity and ease of access do not make quality.

The golden age of porn existed in the 1970's. Pubic hair was a little wilder and un-dubbed sound was something of the future with robot maids and flying cars. But, most importantly, it was a world ripe for parody and porn was the Jonathan Swift of the age.

Are you ready for.... Bat Pussy!

Bat Pussy sits in her bat cave. When she senses trouble her labia flutter. In her ratty cape, t-shirt with bat logo, and gym shorts she jumps onto her red ball and bounces off to save the day!

watch. It is safe for work. There is no sex. Just four of the strangest minutes ever captured on film.

What we need to do now as a people is to send a strong message that this most important piece of art needs to be made available on DVD! So I am asking you to please sign this petition. Tell them
The World Needs Bat Pussy!

Permalink: Bat_Pussy.html
Words: 244
Location: Buffalo, NY

02/14/08 03:21 - 28ºF - ID#43328

Amy Winehouse on Never Mind the Buzzcock

Despite her New Jersey looks, Amy Winehouse is British and is rightfully HUGE! Before Back in Black was released in the US it was rightfully HUGE in Britain.

Haven't you ever dreamed of seeing her on a BBC comedy quiz show in which she is charmingly trashed, bombed out of her skull, and frickin' hilarious.

As a side point Simon Amstell, the host, is adorable, you just want to pinch his cheeks, tie him up, and keep him in your basement in a giant mason jar. But that might just be me.

Anyway, watch the show. You will be really glad you did.

Permalink: Amy_Winehouse_on_Never_Mind_the_Buzzcock.html
Words: 123
Location: Buffalo, NY

02/14/08 01:27 - 27ºF - ID#43327

Package-ing

My favorite fake emotion is nostalgia for a time I never lived in. The history of the early 20th century is not very uplifting stuff. Economic depression, two world wars, the resurgence of the KKK, Teddy Roosevelt not winning a third term. Sad, sad, sad times.

Thankfully though, consumerism makes the past whimsical looking! Can you guess what these items are?

Hm...

Salome should be both a clue and a cautionary tale

Oh ya, there is even one for our beloved city.

give up? Ok, this one featuring a tribble should be a dead give away

Yup, paper wrappers for condoms.

play safe kids.

Permalink: Package_ing.html
Words: 112
Location: Buffalo, NY

02/12/08 06:20 - 19ºF - ID#43303

I am old and the world is disappointing

Remember Patty Hearst?

Patty "don't move pig-dog or I will blow your fucking head off" Hearst?

Patty Symbionese Liberation Army Hearst?

The Patty Hearst who we had always hoped was still a covert revolutionary amidst fat cat capitalists to help bring the system down from within?

Guess what she is up to these days.

Congratulations on your Westminster Dog Show win.

I need a drink.

Permalink: I_am_old_and_the_world_is_disappointing.html
Words: 71
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: npr

02/12/08 01:31 - 19ºF - ID#43298

You suck WNED

I complain about NPR on here a lot. I shouldn't be so hard on it, as it does make my work day more tolerable. But WNED, you got some 'splainin' to do.

We are in the middle of a beg-a-thon. Local news-robot Sam Anson can't get through three sentences without tripping over his own tongue. So an interruption from that guy who sounds like a bad Jerry Lewis impression to cry for cash is welcome. His voice can cause miscarriages so you want to throw money his way to get him off the air. In fact, I think they only bring him out during fund raisers.

But this year, he is not on. In fact, they aren't interrupting programming at all. What they call "Pledge Free" means during normal sponsor breaks they just have a little blurb reminding you they need money but they wont annoy you during the news. The selling point: we wont harass you as much so give us money.

Now, when I get to work I listen to NPR streaming over the internet. I start the day off with Boston's WBUR for On Point with Tom Ashbrook: a man who never trips over his own tongue. They are raising cash a different way. You give us money, we will send Valentine's Day flowers to whomever you want. The selling point: tax write off and flowers.

WNED emphasizes how fucking obnoxious they are. WBUR emphasizes you having a larger tax return check and sex.

You suck Buffalo NPR.

Permalink: You_suck_WNED.html
Words: 251
Location: Buffalo, NY

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