So.... I just realized that today is my 21st straight day at work. Make that 22nd, since it is now after midnight. And I have 5 more days until I finally get a day off.
No wonder I'm losing my mind....

And I took care of a 6yr old kid tonight in a bad car accident, and he had this HUGE cut on his head, down to bone, through his eyebrow. And I got to play plastic surgeon- looked pretty fanfuckingtastic when I was done, if I say so myself. But I could not only see the skull, but the BREAK in the skull at the bottom of the cut. At least I couldn't see brain. Mom was holding up amazingly well- I don't think I could see that and keep my shit together. I hope he does well... We have to let the meds wear off and see how he wakes up. It's sad.

And (e:imk2) asked why women are such catty bitches... (short answer: i have no clue, but sadly it's true). I ask- why are we blubbering idiots around boys? There's a guy at work I've mentioned before... one of my many work crushes... who has started flirting with me lately. At least, I think he's flirting with me. But I just simply do not trust my intuition anymore- I'm not sure I'm not imagining the whole thing. (but I don't think it's normal to work nipples, g-spot, and 'the last time i got laid' into a co-worker conversation, is it?) But I find myself thinking "wait a minute... a real live guy, that I have no connection with online, who has caught my eye in the past, is now flirting with me?!" That so does not happen in my world! And I have turned into a total idiot. I find myself lingering in places where I might run into him FAR longer than necessary... When I do see him I can barely talk, and I turn 8000 shades of red. I mean what is it? I am an (arguably) intelligent, mature woman. And I am reduced to a 12 year old child...
And for what? For all I know it's all in my head. And it's not just him... Just about any guy that talks to me or pays attention to me, turns me to mush. Ok, not any guy. But any guy that I could possibly be attracted to, that talks to me.

Ahh... I guess that's what crushes are. Totally irrational... But it's a fun little diversion at least. If I have to spend a month straight in the hospital, it's nice to have a friendly face to bump into in the stairwell once in a while....

Ok peeps. I hope you are having more fun on this saturday night than I am... And I hope to get to see you all again one of these weeks...

Don't let the bedbugs bite,

-J

UPDATE- Car accident boy is doing really well this morning. Still needs his skull fixed, but he woke up and acted normal. Yay. :)

Ok, so I moved to Buffalo knowing NO ONE. Like not one single person. Well aside from the few people from work I met for an hour when I interviewed. So one day when I first got here, I did a little friendster search, and found a guy from my school... Sent him a message 'hey what brings you to buffalo etc', and he said 'well actually i'm in a band' [Jackdaw] and i said i'd never heard of them, and he (very modestly) said 'well we've been 'best band' by artvoice for the last three years...' But anyway he invited me out to meet him and his friends that same night... So I did. And he's been one of my good friends here ever since. I love this boy. Aside from being (as ladycroft put it) super mchottie, he's also just a cool guy (and he always gives me hugs). I mean really... a tall hot smart sarcastic artist rockstar- what more could a girl want? ;) And he gives me shoutouts at their shows, which I love, because all the girls that are in love with him get jealous and give me dirty looks. hehe.

But anway, so I just found this in the artvoice online-



Go David!

And in honor, I have changed my user sound (again). It's Blacks and Tans. Not my fave jackdaw song, but the only one I have in mp3 format. I know Irish rock isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I'd say they're worth checking out anyway- the shows are a lot of fun.

So many things are bouncing around my head... May be a little discombobulated if I try to include it all (but since when has that stopped me, right?) ;)

Reading (e:twisted)'s post... makes me jealous. I haven't been to a show in so long... And I love music... I may not always get to stay as current as I'd like, but so much music is so significant to me... Can pull up profound emotions/sensations/memories... Or just makes me shake my ass. I love that. Both versions.
I have been listening to Cake lately. I love Cake. But hadn't listened to them in ages. That is one of the perils of the ipod... I have ripped in all my CDs, plus all the stuff i've bought/downloaded over the last couple years, and now it's almost like I have too much music. I'll want to listen to something, and I get overwhelmed scrolling through, and end up listening to the same '4 star' playlist over and over. Of course, I have only assigned stars to a few hundred songs, so I'm missing out on so much. Like Cake. It was chosen for me the other day. (specifically, the song "love you madly". Hmm.)

So... I think some of my drama may be resolving. Which makes me feel better. Somewhat. Still not great. I have tried to be true to myself, and have TRIED to hurt as few people as possible, as little as possible. And I have at least tried to be honest with everyone involved, as hard as that can be. Blah... Like I said, not thrilled with things, but at least I don't feel like i have an ulcer anymore, so that's good. It's all such new territory to me....

And that got me thinking again about the nature of a blog/journal. On the one hand it's a great place to put your thoughts out there, but on the other hand, as these people go from being just peeps online, to actual friends, it becomes a little harder to post your deep dark secrets etc. But, I decided that I think that the benefits of the 'community' here far outweigh the sacrifices.

I never would have thought of myself a the type to have a journal/blog. I tried to keep a paper journal for a while in college.... but it ended up just being a stupid list of who i had a crush on at the moment. (hmm, come to think of it, I guess not much has changed.) But I don't really fancy myself much of a writer.

But I have a friend from high school, one of the few people from my class that I keep in touch with, and she is a great writer. And she kept a blog for a while. And that was the first one I ever read... So I was thinking that I probably owe this whole journal to her... Well, among other things...

So, this is a little shoutout to my friend E. You're the best. :)

Though if she'll ever see this remains to be seen. Not sure I'm ready to invite the outside world into "my" estrip...

Ok, I'm suddenly deliriously tired, so I'm off to bed...

night peeps!

-J

update- seems i was wrong about being wrong about the beer tasting. maybe it WAS tonight after all. I will get to the bottom of this. But bottom line- sounds like fun, and if it is indeed a monthly thing, we should go next time.

Oops, so I'm retarded.

There is no beer tasting at Shango tonight.
Upon second look, the article that said "beer tasting tomorrow"- was posted on JAN 24th.

It's the last wed of every month.

So maybe we can try again NEXT wednesday.

Bummer. I was looking forward to it....

(new song: one million miles, by J Ralph)

Ok, this is a superquick illegal post from work so I will get to the point.

Just saw in the artvoice that there is beer tasting at Shango tomorrow (wed 3/22). (Shango is "new orleans bistro and wine bar" on main, near UB south campus.)

7-9pm.
10 beers for $10.

Reservations recommended for dinner before or after, but not necessary for just the tasting.
Sounds fun to me...
Any takers?

I'd be down for a meal too- only eaten there once, but it was good. (and it's fun to get all n'awlins nostalgic once in a while.)

Lemme know!

ok peeps i'm out. Maybe i'll come lurk later.

First, Happy Birthday Matthew!!

Next: so not only am I missing tonight's festivities, but I also can't go to this:

"Fine wine, intelligent discussion, shredded Cuban roast over couscous, homemade hummus, haydari [not sure what that one is], grilled eggplant puree, feta & melon, thai cucumbers, berry salad, and a roaring fire. All for just two hours of your time."

Damn work!

Have fun tonight peeps.
Take lots of pictures for me.

-J

Ok, so I like the Faint, but the opening of that song was a little too grating.
So now you get a totally random little ditty about hotdogs.... (The Detroit Cobras, in case anyone is interested).

So I'm wondering if I shouldn't take a little tip from (e:Joshua) and hibernate for a while... at least emotionally... I've been on too much of a rollercoaster lately... pulled in too many directions... work... friends... boys... some good, some very good, some shitty... And I don't do well with uncertainties. Not sure where my priorities do/should lie. Who to put first, when to put myself first, when to say screw it all and just stick my head in the sand. Unfortunately, I can't have my cake and eat it too- I fear there is no easy way out of my mess. Someone will be hurt/alienated, and it may be up to me to decide who. Or, to suck it up- and have it be myself. I repeat- too much drama for this mama. Which is crazy, b/c I HATE drama, and always try to keep things simple. But they never are. I guess that's what being a grownup is all about. I'm not sure I like it... I think I need a week or so at some sort of zen spa. ;)

I am also super-pissed at my work. I want a day off to go to my dad's 60th birthday party in the Outer Banks. Never been there, and it will be a bit of a family reunion. I need ONE measly day off- I want to leave fri and come back sunday, instead of leave sat and come back sunday. So, since I am asking for SO MUCH, I am at everyone's mercy, and have to pick up all the shit. Which means 3 saturdays in a row. That means NO DAYS OFF FOR 4 WEEKS. Not to mention missing Matt's bday. So not fair, but there's nothing I can do about it I don't think. But I was looking forward to the party.

Fuck.

And now all my plans for tonight just fell through.
Goddammit.
That's it, I'm going to bed.
No green beer for me.
No corned beef.
No jackdaw show.
No seeing-my-friend-before-she-goes-to-china-tomorrow.
No Spot.

Hmm, well this post is shot to shit... I had some funny (well at least I thought it was funny) stuff to say, but now I've forgotten it all and am just cranky...

Blah!!

Happy St. Pat's everyone.
And Happy St. Matty's Day, too.

Drink some green beer for me...

-Cranky Kong

So I wanted to post something because I'm sick of seeing the lone star every time I log in.

But, I'm too tired to form complete sentences and coherent thoughts.

So I just leave you with a new user sound.

"Worked up (so sexual)" by the Faint.
(how can you not love a song about strippers?)
Check it out.

Naptime...

P.s. so mad I can't make it to st. matty's day!

Ok, so i've been lamenting the fact that Boy I Like, Boy Who Likes Me, and Boy Who Is Not Off-Limits cannot all be same person. And it's totally bumming me out. Everything is always way too complicated...
But then at work today things were put into perspective a little...

Kids, be glad you do not have Hirschsprung's Disease. It is a disease where you colon doesn't have enough nerve cells, so basically you can't shit, and it all just builds up forever. To the point that you have to have your colon removed. (usually as a baby.)

Now, after you take out someone's colon, the shit has to go somewhere, right? Well there are pretty much two options. 1: an ostomy. But shitting in a bag isn't always so socially acceptable. Especially as a kid/teenager. 2: sewing the small intestine to the anus.

We just did the latter on a baby. Well she had an ostomy for a year, and today we took the ostomy down and did the "pull-through".

But to get to the point of this story... as you can imagine, it is kind of hard to sew something to a puckered up little asshole. So some sadistic fuck invented a retractor called the Lone Star. (sick pun, no?) Basically it's like an 8" ring with notches around the edges. And then there are the other parts. Basically SHARP little hooks attached to rubber bands. And you put the SHARP HOOKS in the asshole, and then hook the rubber bands into the notches, in 8 different spots around in a circle, effectively stretched this poor little baby's asshole to about 1.5" wide.

But i must say, it worked brilliantly, and the operation went without a hitch, and now she won't have to shit in a bag anymore. And if we're lucky, she'll even have control of her sphincter tone and won't just shit herself all the time.

Isn't my job great.... ;)

Ok, time for green curry, wine, tv, and some soul-searching... Hopefully not too much crying...

-J

But before I go (since I'm sure you were all holding your breath)- my cupid results.

not sure if i like this, but sadly it's probably fairly accurate-
(but nonetheless I think I will go change my answers to get something I like more.) (but (e:Twisted), at least I'm in good company. You're the closest to me I've seen...)

The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Your exact opposite:
Genghis Khunt

Random Brutal Sex Master
Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.


ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Loverboy

So I don't know what's with me these days...
I just can't seem to get my mind around anything. Can't focus, can't concentrate, don't want to DO anything that I should do...
All I want to do is sleep and lounge around...
And it's not that i'm depressed, I don't think... I'm just... scatterbrained.
My thoughts are all over. Not sure what's right or wrong, what I can or can't do...
I feel like my mind is racing all over, but not really going anywhere...
People are in and out of my life, and I'm not sure if I'm happy about that... In fact I'm pretty sure I'm NOT happy about it.

I have so many good things going on right now, but there's still so much more that I want... And I don't even know if it's reasonable of me... I'm distracted all the time...
I don't know how to act... what to think... if I should talk or not talk.... act or not act... make a move or not... I wish people would just answer my questions and help me out... don't play games, my ass.

I hate feeling all jumbled up like this. Throw me a bone people, please... just a little guidance through this minefield... I feel like everything I do is stepping on SOMEone's toes, or else if I worry about everyone else, i'm not true to myself and MY desires/needs...

And, I'm eating too much and getting fat, and I just found out I have a cavity! I almost cried!! Well not quite, but I am quite dismayed!

nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i guess i'll go eat worms...
[that's a children's song before anyone gets too worried.]

Blah...

Distractedly,
-Eeyore