I am a fuck up. A loser. A nobody.

I am fucking up so bad. I'm on the verge of getting canned. I can't bother myself to do simple things around the house. I can't take care of myself. I can't manage to pay bills even though I have the money. I can't manage to take my meds regularly. I can't manage to do anything but sleep lately. I don't get excited about anything. Going to sleep is the only thing I look forward to.

Everything that has to do with this is my fault. I did this all to myself. Joshy says my depression doesn't have much to do with it. Dad calls me asking me if I'm okay and I don't want to worry him so I always say "Yeah Dad, I'm fine, everything is fine." The truth is that no, I'm not okay, not by a long shot. I don't know what my problem is. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've written about this a number of times but I'm not improving.

I feel like something has to change, or else I will end up a street bum or, God forbid, in a ditch. I know this shit is too sad and too difficult to read so I don't blame you. I want to be happy, I want to be a success. I want to pull out of this mess and laugh about it. I just don't think I have the will. Everyone who talks to me worries more about how this shit affects them. Joshy says I am self centered and spend too much time thinking about myself. Yes, maybe if I worry about everyone else my problems will go away. I worried about everyone else for a long time and it got me used, leeched off of, thrown away, and so forth. As long as I keep at work and pull in those paychecks everyone will be satisfied with me. Nobody asks or cares or wonders about my state of mind until something drastic happens. The most important thing, the thing that's emphasized the most, isn't that I become a happy or that I learn to cope with my problems - it is that I go to work and pull in paychecks. As long as that happens it is A-OK that I'm a miserable unhappy fuck! It is easier for some people to shit out a solid gold turd than to offer me caring or encouraging words. I am done talking to my family about this shit. Never again!

So I promise I won't rant about this shit ever again. I'm done talking about it. Please hold me to it. You all have your own issues ot deal with. You don't want to read this crap. Sometimes I think if I don't get it out my head will burst open. I don't know how to fix this stuff and don't know if I'll be able to. In the coming months all will be revealed. I'm going to get some Sparks and cry myself to sleep.

Peace Out!