Man, over the last couple of days I really have gotten spooked. Last night was especially bad. I could barely sleep. I'm worried about the future, what I'll be doing, where I'll be going. Am I going to get more of what I want out of life?

I've been pretty public about the troubles I've had. In October 2006, something happened to me, it was sort of a renewal. I snapped out of it, so to speak. To me it was miraculous. I looked back on the previous 5 years and said Oh my God, what happened to me? How am I going to make up for all this time?

One thing I realized was that my psyche was fragile and weak. I needed to learn all of those hard lessons. I had to go through that to move on. All of it was necessary. I wish the lessons weren't so tough but I don't choose that kind of thing.

So I've tried to do the right things. I've tried to improve myself. I've always had certain good qualities, always been intelligent, but inside it was 100% turbulence. Dad tells me all the time how proud he is, how much I've changed. I hope you see some change in me too, because I've tried so hard to not be a bitter, angry, petty person towards anyone. I've tried to be better in every way.

Now it is all about the next step, personally and professionally. I don't have the love of a good woman, or a house, or a fancy car. I still haven't seen nearly enough of the world. I'm facing the possibility of leaving everyone and everything I know. I feel like I don't have it all together and at 30 I should, but I do see so many others in my position who are going through the same thing, so that should be some comfort.

I'm not desperate, or in a hurry, but I don't want to go through life alone. I want someone to be there for me, and me for them. I also really want to be a father someday, to me that is so important. I want to justify the sacrifices my grandparents and my own father made. I want to make good on their investment in me. I want I want I want.

Maybe first I should just worry about quitting cigarettes.

Yeah, officially as of last night the depression came back with a fury. I thought I could handle life like a normal person would but apparently it's asking too much. Wow was it ever a struggle last night to even get to sleep. This morning wasn't much better. Not to be too emo but I'm really sad. I hope the good Lord hits me off with some comforting feelings today.

Damn it.

Now, before I go any further here, I want to say that shouting "But I don't act that way, so you can't say this is how it is," is likely not a very accurate way of looking at things. Your difference from the vast majority of the female population is duly noted, nonetheless. None of you have been a guy on V-Day before. I have. I've had lots of girlfriends. I think you could say I, and my friends, have a considerable amount of experience with V-Day, and it is almost all the same. Even with all of the nasty shit these girls did to me, the thing I'm bitter about is the money I spent on these chicks for V-Day. Frankly, none of the girls were worth it. Very few are worth it. I AM STILL PAYING THIS SHIT OFF!

My problem is my pimping game isn't quite up to scratch where I can get away with spending almost nothing on a girl. Some guys have it down right, where they can get away with it for one reason or another. After they run through the girls, they become the "I need a man that will treat me like a princess" type of money whore. I think I need to take lessons from Jerry, at least the Jerry I knew before he got all fucking soft-hearted and shit.

Now, I know this isn't making me any more popular with the ladies, but it has to be said. And for Christ's sake I know not all women are like this, so spare me for fucks sake. This is relevent for the majority, and I am speaking in general terms as such. If I'm going to be judged on how much I spend, and where I take you, and the size of the diamond I am going to buy you - then you had better NOT have even the slightest imperfection in your body. I mean I should be able to bounce a quarter off your ass and stomach. And you had best not even gain 5 pounds either, you need to make sure you are 100% in tip top shape, because God knows if I lose my job or somehow have less money I'll be out on my ass.

I think everyone can tell I'm in a bad mood. V-Day brings this out. It makes me think about all this crap. Timika was cool and dropped off some cookies and cards though!!! That was sweet and unexpected.

Oh, and I found out MySpace is the new and best way to look for porn.

I Hate Valentine's Day. God is supposed to know everything but even He doesn't know how much I despise V-Day.

I've done V-Day on many occasions, and to be honest I don't remember any of them. Nope, can't remember where we went or what we did. Now that I think about it, I only remember that I didn't get much of anything, but I spent God knows how many thousands of dollars over the years. I've done the weekend vacation at the beach, I've done the jewelry, I've mustered all the romantic in me possible - but all that I've taken away from it are memories, and we always remember the bad ones the most.

When will these chumps realize they are being taken for a ride? Instead of having nothing to show for all of my V-Days, I could have a nice big HDTV, a really nice watch, or a good down payment on another car. Instead it is all rotting away in some girl's jewelry box. How STOOOOPID. And when Steak and Blow Job day rolls around they're all like, "Damn I forgot. How about movie and cuddle day instead?"

The only consolation are the mobs of women who are just as bitter as me about V-Day and want to go out and get drunk with their girlfriends on this oh so special date. This is really what V-Day should be about - going out, getting drunk, and finding some new friends. Know what I'm sayin?

Nearly every post he makes is not actually about some kind of important topic - it is about JASON. I've given some consideration as to why he displays this obsessive behavior. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be a female he's interested in. Talk about scary. God help all of them.

1) There is some kind of deep character flaw.
2) He is actually a closet homosexual (Does SF do that to you?)
3) He hates himself and lashes out at Jason to make himself feel good.

Tell me, my devoted stalker, how do you feel about this? Remember, you have NO RIGHT to be upset! I'm just displaying my freedom of expression!