I am a fuck up. A loser. A nobody.

I am fucking up so bad. I'm on the verge of getting canned. I can't bother myself to do simple things around the house. I can't take care of myself. I can't manage to pay bills even though I have the money. I can't manage to take my meds regularly. I can't manage to do anything but sleep lately. I don't get excited about anything. Going to sleep is the only thing I look forward to.

Everything that has to do with this is my fault. I did this all to myself. Joshy says my depression doesn't have much to do with it. Dad calls me asking me if I'm okay and I don't want to worry him so I always say "Yeah Dad, I'm fine, everything is fine." The truth is that no, I'm not okay, not by a long shot. I don't know what my problem is. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've written about this a number of times but I'm not improving.

I feel like something has to change, or else I will end up a street bum or, God forbid, in a ditch. I know this shit is too sad and too difficult to read so I don't blame you. I want to be happy, I want to be a success. I want to pull out of this mess and laugh about it. I just don't think I have the will. Everyone who talks to me worries more about how this shit affects them. Joshy says I am self centered and spend too much time thinking about myself. Yes, maybe if I worry about everyone else my problems will go away. I worried about everyone else for a long time and it got me used, leeched off of, thrown away, and so forth. As long as I keep at work and pull in those paychecks everyone will be satisfied with me. Nobody asks or cares or wonders about my state of mind until something drastic happens. The most important thing, the thing that's emphasized the most, isn't that I become a happy or that I learn to cope with my problems - it is that I go to work and pull in paychecks. As long as that happens it is A-OK that I'm a miserable unhappy fuck! It is easier for some people to shit out a solid gold turd than to offer me caring or encouraging words. I am done talking to my family about this shit. Never again!

So I promise I won't rant about this shit ever again. I'm done talking about it. Please hold me to it. You all have your own issues ot deal with. You don't want to read this crap. Sometimes I think if I don't get it out my head will burst open. I don't know how to fix this stuff and don't know if I'll be able to. In the coming months all will be revealed. I'm going to get some Sparks and cry myself to sleep.

Peace Out!

So (e:Alison), (e:Ladycroft) and I had a brief discussion about how women want to get laid as much as men do, and that we men shouldn't think that it's so hard to get sex. Whaaat?!? Tell that to every guy I know. Well first of all I usually carry myself like a scrub so it's no surprise that I don't have chicks wanting to get all up inside my jeans. But even so if we want sex we have to jump through hoops and play games and spend all kinds of money, plus pretend that we're not the hornballs that we really are.

So there are many people here who would love to have sexual relations, each of us with different moral lines drawn. What do YOU do when you're horny and don't have a penis/vagina to satisfy yourself with? Do you pull a Jason and scan your hard drive for your best high-quality porn vids? Do you self-serve to release the tension?

Some people say "I won't have sex with just anyone", and that depletes your boneable pool significantly. I see girls every day that I want to have sex with. They are so beautiful. Maybe that's just a male/female difference. If you want to have sex and don't have a reliable source I have some suggestions.

A) Find a "Go-To" sex partner who you really aren't interested in romantically, and who isn't interested in you romantically. You can be friends and whatnot, you can care about each other, but no romance. Just a little "Hey how ya been" every now and then.

B) Continue to be sexless, and do whatever it is you feel you have to do to feel better about yourself.

C) Sex-a-Thon 2005!!!

Now I know some of you are thinking "What is Sex-a-Thon 2005, and how can I participate?" Sex-a-Thon is an event made up by myself, (e:Jason), created with the purpose of satisfying everyones needs (well, almost everyone). Why should ready and willing (albeit, a little shy) people not have what they deserve? Why should people have to go sexless? Here are the rules:

A) All Sex-a-Thon events are to happen at one venue: 750
B) Sex-a-Thon will happen when (e:Joshua) is away
C) Only women are invited to participate (sorry boys!)
D) (e:Jason) will oversee each event and participate as well
E) There will be two divisions: one on one, and two on one
F) (e:Jason)'s word is law at 750. If he says face down ass up, he means it!

There you go. Happy fornicating!
Jason

Once again I had a messed up dream. Rhonda (some of you may remember her as the ex-friend I told to piss off) was trapped in a dangerous complex, and it was up to me to save her and get her out. It was different though, because whenever I saved her she was in another predicament, or she would run away. Eventually I got tired of running/flying after her and said "Why are you doing this?" So we got into an argument about how she doesn't want to be with me, and oh yeah she cheated when we were together. She used to always be proud of the fact that she never cheated on me. She used to always reinforce that. So in the dream I was like WTF? In the dream I wanted to be with her really bad. That does not reflect how I feel normally. I determined that wouldn't work out long ago. Shit, she couldn't even bother to give me the time of day when we were friends. That's why I told her to buzz off in the first place. Weird...

I've also been falling into a rut again - I really don't care about much. This includes many facets of my life including work, food, and health. I keep on forgetting stuff and messing up. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. I just don't care what happens to me. I do not worry. Nothing excites me. Maybe I just need to get laid. Maybe I need to be doing something that excites me. Maybe I need love in my life. I don't know. All of this shit seems out of my reach. One thing that gives me joy is to bring other people up, compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. I've enjoyed that lately. Imagine that, someone who feels so down but gets off on seeing others happier. I'll have to keep on doing that...

One thing I'm doing is trying new things. Today I am going to Shakespeare in the Park with the inimitable (e:Ladycroft). Remind me to get in a better mood over the next few hours. I've never checked it out so I'm intrigued to see what it's all about. Plus my neighbor is playing the part of Hamlet. I think it should be pretty cool!

Jason

I am in a Fantasy Football League via Yahoo with some friends of mine. We have some spots left, so if anyone is interested in playing FREE Fantasy Football and has a yahoo account send me an e-mail or a sticky.

Jason

PS - We are prone to talk junk to each other and use lots of foul language. If you are offended by that sort of thing then keep that in mind.

I had a great time at my friend's wedding this past weekend. I'll detail that in a moment but (e:Maureen) wrote some things that hit home and I want to talk about that stuff first.

I know so many women who say that their man has to be x, y, and z - and no less or else they are off the radar completely. It's astonishing to hear them read off their long list of requirements, especially the superficial things that automatically rule a guy out. I've heard some crazy stuff, like he can't have a computer in his bedroom or his nose has to have a certain shape. They look for the "A" candidate, the ones who have it all, who compose about 5% of the male population. When they don't find the ultimate man they sit at the coffee shop with their friends and ask "Where are all the good guys?" They don't even as much as recognize the existence of the "lesser" men and go through life being single and miserable about it. Some women prefer to live single and without a man, and I respect that. The ones who I've been describing are hard to listen to because they are so strict about what makes a man acceptable to them. Of course you can't say "lower your standards" to them because it will result in a major shitstorm - trust me on that one, ahem. Nobody deserves to be miserable but some people have to recognize that it is largely an effect of their own stubborn nature.

Anyhow (e:Maureen) based on reading your journal you seem to be a mature, loyal, calm, thoughtful young woman. You are driven and a hard worker. Oh, yes, you are also quite lovely. You have to recognize the good traits you have and know how important they are to the good men out there, the ones you really want. I'm not saying you have to lower your standards, but instead I want to emphasize that as long as you are reasonable and forgiving you will not be alone, I guarantee it. You have nothing to worry about, and actually I kind of laugh at how silly it is for you to worry about it. Out of my league for sure. You seem to be an A+ young lady, and I see an ivy league educated, handsome, great man in your future. Don't worry, and keep the focus on your school!

Along the same vein (relationships) I went to a wedding this weekend. It was probably the last one I'll have to attend for a while, and I'm really happy about that. Jerry, Josh and I are the only single ones left. Jerry is quite the ladies man so I'm sure he'll be next. Don't expect me to be married anytime soon - I don't think I'm meant to be in a relationship. I'm comfortable this way. Anyhow the wedding was really fun. We had a great time and got to catch up with some old friends from Jamestown.

Josh and I were about half way to Jamestown when I realized I had forgotten my dress shoes. Oh no! I was positive that Gramma had thrown away all of Grampa's old stuff, and I knew we would have ZERO time to go to a store and get some cheap replacements. I decided not to worry about it anymore until we got to Jamestown. When we got there, I had concocted a story about how I tripped and fell, dropping a glass, with my momentum bringing my foot on top of the glass and shattering it, cutting up my foot. Sneakers were just more comfy than dress shoes! This way I could not feel so responsible for looking dorky, with a nice pinstripe suit and Nike shoes. I also walked around the entire time with a fake limp, so everyone would "understand" my dilemma. Haha. I'm such a jerk.

Jason

"I think deep down the boys really do want the nice girls, but they convince themselves that they want a viper. When will they ever learn? Don't let it eat you up inside."

Good guys really do want good girls. The major problem is that real good girls are hard to find, and the good guys are often fooled by the fronters and fakers. Another problem is that the good girls sometimes also are horrible at letting the guys know they are up for some conversation and such. I'll bless (e:strip) with some knowledge about different types of nice girls and how they are perceived:

1) "Reformed" Nice Girl - This type is the 30 to 50 donger who is "sick of the bar scene" and the brutal (although hot) men she has had in her life. She wants to finally settle down and find a dude to be with, someone reliable and good, who isn't bothered by her dong count. For her being a good girl is a phase of time rather than a state of being. Good guys can be fooled easily by this type, but usually a little conversation outs them. I guess being reformed is better than not being a nice girl at all.

2) Shy Girl - She seems a little uncomfortable in her own skin, and rarely (if ever) gives guys buying signs to let them know she is interested. She gets very frustrated by all of the slutty women out there getting all of the attention. Even if she was interested in a guy, the guy would never know about it because she wouldn't give him the time of day. Guys miss these ones because the shy girl either seems unapproachable, bitchy, or not interested in meeting someone. One thing the "vipers" have over the shy ones is that the vipers always give the guy some kind of affection or attention, a touch or a flirtly look or something like that. If the shy girl could do this she would have many options to choose from in terms of men she wants to date.

3) The Prude - She completely refuses to acknowledge her sexuality. Good guys don't want a 50 donger but they don't want an asexual woman either. A guy usually has to spend lots of time and mucho bankola on her before he can even scam a kiss, let alone feel all up on her booty or grind his bone on her. Guys like good girls who can hold conversation and who will treat them well, but guys also like sexual activity. The prude is wise in carefully choosing who gets their hands in the cookie jar, but almost hurts herself in the process by making her guy think she's not sexually attracted to him. The prude is a good girl but needs to be a little more flirty and sexual to rope in the guys worth keeping.

I hope my short, yet insightful post brings much joy and satisfaction to your hearts!

Jason

I'm losing at life. I'll be back to talk about more important subjects later.

Jason

Now I can get my porn on! My god my neighbor downstairs brought home this bombshell of a chick. That's what happens when you are the boss I guess!

Jason

PS - More on Nukes upcoming....I need to handle mah bidness first.

I agree completely, the atomic bomb is a blight on the human race. I also think that building new types of atom bombs is a mistake. To me killing is killing, regardless of the method. What is preferable, dropping a nuke or using infantry to cut, shoot, and maim? Again I have to say that nobody is justifying nuclear war - that is not the argument anybody is trying to make. You see, yet you do not perceive. It is a mistake to take our own filters and apply them to what someone else writes without trying to process exactly what it is that is being said. Furthermore it stifles honest debate on the subject because it becomes a knee-jerk, reactionary, insult-garbled tit-for-tat. Talking about what happened when and after the bombs were dropped, as well as discussing what may have happened had they not been dropped, are things that don't deserve the kind of venom-spitting that has gone on. None of it is equal to justifying a nuclear holocaust, yet that is the treatment it is getting, and people are getting their panties all up in a bunch and assuming a whole lot of things about people. This is the last time I'll say it - Nobody here thinks Nukes are good! Now are we capable of having a mature discussion about this, the good, the bad, and the ugly? If not, I'll be happy to move on to other topics that interest me.

However we may feel about it, there are nations (as well as groups of individuals who are not under a flag) who would be happy to see multiple nukes dropped on our cities, rendering irrelevant our own feelings on the subject. They have the will to pull the trigger, while we do not. It should be the effort of the entire world to eradicate nuclear weapons from our planet, lest we see London or Berlin or Rome or New York or L.A. become uninhabitable wastelands. You don't do it by offering money and oil, and you do not let rogue nations shake down the free world. It has to be a united front against nuclear weapons, and it has to have teeth. I would sleep better at night knowing that no place on the earth has to worry about it happening to them.

Jason

Cute bartenders make me go and order drinks, so at the very least I can talk to them. I feel so fucking sick. I can hear Rhonda's voice echoing in my head...."That's right Jay! Feel that shit! You deserve it for drinking!" Oy vey..good thing I don't talk to her anymore. I just drank up all of my brother's soda and immediately puked it up! Haha!

(e:Paul) I think you went over the top and read things into Josh's posts that simply weren't there - i.e. making excuses for the mass killing of civilians. I don't think anyone believes that killing civilians is O.K. - what Josh said though is technically correct. The bombs ended the war. Japan had 5,000 planes and 3,000,000 soldiers who would rather have died "honorably" than accept defeat. It would have been a knock down, drag out fight with many more casualties. That is not equal to saying that using nukes is A-Okay - clearly in hindsight we all know that using nukes is awful - but rather it is a line of reasoning that says if those nukes had not been dropped we would have seen many more deaths. We very well may have killed multiples of that number, and they may likely have done the same. There is a distinction (very hard to articulate, and very hard to understand) between excusing the use of nukes and offering a plausible alternative account of history. I really feel like you went too far in attacking Josh without trying to figure out the point he was trying to make - and I blame Josh for using language that is basically a written invitation for that kind of reaction (I was always better at articulating this shit).

There was one word in your post that stood out for me though, and I want to elaborate on it a bit. Some people don't have the stomach to embrace what I'm about to say, because it sounds preachy and perhaps too philosophical, but I believe so firmly that it is relevant to this and countless other topics. Compassion is a word that is often spoken, but rarely practiced or exercised in reality. It is so difficult for us as humans to be truly compassionate because it requires us to remove every barrier between ourselves and others which are literally pounded into our brains since birth. Instead we practice what I call "conditional compassion" - people believe in being compassionate sometimes, and not compassionate other times - with the barriers being race, gender, religion, sexuality, political affiation, you fill in the blank. I know many people who feel compassion for gays, but yet feel no compassion for the unborn, or for muslims, or for christians or jews, so on and so forth. It's not necessary to go through all the permutations, you get the idea. It is a lack of compassion that enables war, poverty, and oppression. It is a lack of compassion that allows people to disrespect the homeless, or to treat them like they are less than human. As much as I lament the lack of compassion I believe whole heartedly that we are capable of complete and true compassion - the kind that will get us over the hump and allow us to eradicate the war, the poverty, the oppression, and other such things. I can't emphasize it enough - we are capable of being 100% compassionate, but it will take some work on everyone's part! I have come to the conclusion that more than anything else I want to strive throughout my lifetime to become a completely compassionate person. My soul won't rest without that happening. Compassion, love, and belief in the unity of the human race will save us and usher in a new age of peace and prosperity.

Jason