ELMWOOD AVE - A throng of war protestors, Jew haters, self-hating Jews, terrorist sympathizers, white nationalists and self-styled journalists assembled at Bidwell Park Sunday afternoon in the hope of persuading Israel to stop its massacre of Lebanon. Drivers were gifted with exquisite performance art and signage denouncing Israel's atrocious response to constant rocket attacks and suicide bombings.

Bobby McJewHater of South Buffalo, 35, described Israel as a "terrorist state and occupier of Arab lands," and offered the following remedy: "Why don't the Jews, with their hook noses, just lay down and die? It's pretty fucking obvious the world despises them, with the exception of that other terrorist state, the U.S., so they should just submit to Islamic rule or be destroyed."

Bobby's wife Jewy, 32, pondered the situation. "I'm Jewish, and I can't stand what they're doing. I mean, the rocket attacks only kill a few Jews at a time, and what are a few Jewish lives? Nothing, a drop in the bucket, only a good start. A Jewish state is far from necessary anyway. I think their response is appalling."

Bitchy O'WarProtestor agreed with Jewy's assessment. "The collective punishment of the Lebanese people is a war crime. I'm pretty sure the Bush Crime Family is involved somehow. Don't you watch CNN? They had a beautiful piece last week outlining all the great things Hezbollah does for the Lebanese. They educate, they give social services, they do everything for the Lebanese, just like Fidel in Cuba, and they are a legitimate portion of the government. Who cares if a few Jews pay the price for their arrogance? It doesn't mean they have to get their panties all in a bunch and man their tanks. Leave Hezbollah alone! They are only resisting! The world should condemn those fucking Heebs for what they're doing! Err, shit, sorry Jewy, no offense."

Adolf Neonazimann, 23, rejoiced. "I am SO happy that we finally have something we can agree upon with the left wingers. Hezbollah should stack those fuckers up like poker chips! Kill them by the fucking bushel! This is pretty much one of the best days of my life."

A passerby who would only identify himself as "Danq," when asked about his reaction to the mob next to him, lamented the short sightedness of his fellow citizens. "Where the fuck are you when Israelis get murdered on a daily basis? At the computer beating off to it? You people make me want to vomit. Maybe if hundreds of Katushyas were dropped on your fucking heads in the last few weeks you would gain a little perspective. Until then, I just called Buffalo's Bravest, who should be over here shortly to dispose of you assholes with some high powered water cannons. Piss off."

Who is damaged most by alcoholism?

I think it is the poor. They can least afford to spend their dollars on booze, because the net effect is greater - $5 on a six pack means that maybe their kids don't get food that day. The money means much, much, more than it would to middle-to-upper class people.

In the best interests of the poor, I think we should ban alcohol in the city of Buffalo. Take it out of all stores completely. Keep the bars and clubs open, but remove all the alcohol from those places as well.

It is the only compassionate thing to do, so we can protect people from themselves.

• Sits at home and waits for everyone in Buffalo to start throwing rocks and garbage*