When I don't take my medicine, the dreams I have are amazing. I've become very adept at being more of an active participant in my dreams, rather than staying a helpless spectator. The themes are always the same. I'll share with you:

A) I am in high school, behind on credits, and sweating about it. Sometimes it's college as well, but I am always behind and trying to catch up.

B) My ex girlfriend comes back to torment me in many ways, leaving me depressed, angry, and feeling helpless. I wake up sweating like a whore in church, inconsolable, wanting desperately to feel nothing, or at least neutral. This is when I am a danger to myself.

C) I am in the military, very elite, and hunting the bad guys down. I have popped many a cap in my dreams, but never in real life. The people always deserved it, but I always was left feeling filthy.

D) Flying. Or, more accurately, floating. Not flying in the Superman sense, zipping around the globe, it seems much slower. It is the most amazing sensation, but it always leaves me drained and tired. I can't keep it up for too long before having to rest.

E) I am a performer of some sorts, entertaining people through musical theater. In my dreams, my singing is angelic.

I will share two of my dreams with you.

In one, I was more or less a character involved in a movie musical - think of something Disney-like. A very noble kingdom, with many good people, is falling to some kind of evil. I look above, and it is not a sky, more a sheet of ice, and it is crumbling on top of everyone and everything below it. I tried so hard to save as many people as I could, but I couldn't help everyone, leaving me feeling like I could never do enough.

Then, out of the blue, in the middle of this mystical musical dream, my deceased Grandfather pops into view. He didn't look old, more like in his mid 40's. He was wearing a plaid shirt. He looked good and healthy, bringing a smile to my face. I realized I was dreaming, and cried out to Grampa "Jack, what in the world are you doing here?" He was expressionless. He would say nothing to me, only bothering to stare blankly back at me. I desperately wanted him to talk to me, to say something, to let me know he was doing okay. I got nothing of the sort. I was freaked out. Say something, Jack, PLEASE! Nothing like this had ever happened in a dream of mine. Eventually he left, and I woke up.

The second dream is one of the most pleasant experiences I've ever had, dreaming or not dreaming. I was at my Grandparents' house in Jamestown, out in the lawn, hanging out with three little kids who were starved for attention and entertainment. One of the kids begged, "Show us a trick, Jason! PLEEEEEEZE!" How could you say no? I leapt in the air and started doing the backstroke through the air, floating along backwards, yelling BACKSTROKE! The kids started giggling their little heads off, and I couldn't help but feel pleased and happy. It was sunny, a beautiful day, utter paradise. I felt a lot of satisfaction bringing joy to these little kids. They begged me to teach them how to do the backstroke through the air, but I told them they had to wait until they were older, and that it took a lot of practice. "Okay Jason, we'll do our best!" I woke up, it was a beautiful day, and for once I was happy.

Have a happy holiday e-peeps!

Thanks to everyone for writing. I'm now happily enjoying ALL of my media in Linux! Everything is working beautifully. I also got a cool app for the iPod, like iTunes without podcasts. Anyone know of any software for downloading podcasts?

Thanks again
Jason

I finally found a distro that actually will recognize all of my components. Yay!

Now, how do I play MP3 files or my DivX videos? I have way too much of it to convert to something else. If I'm going to use Linux, I need to be able to use my media otherwise it is POINTLESS!

Can anyone offer tips?

So I go to the place today to engage in therapy to help my depression. I get there about 10 minutes late today. Who knows why. I had to take a shit. Anyway I get there and the guy tells me, "You know Jason you should really try to be on time - I'm supposed to just boot you from the program if you're late."

WHAT MOTHERFUCKER?!?!? WHAT?!?!

How about every damn time I go there, and have to wait, and wait, and wait, and pick up the Newsweek, and wait some more. If I judged them the same way they judged me, I would have booted their ass on DAY MOTHERFUCKING ONE. This is my first ever time being late, so why the fucking harsh treatment?

So tomorrow I make up my appointment at 10:30.

In continuing with the discussion prompted by (e:Joshua) -

I've looked at the SF Gate article, and it is incredibly illuminating. Sometimes I really do wonder what is in the water on the left coast. The first thing I will say is something everyone should be able to agree on - First Amendment rights are not limited only to what we personally agree with. Time and again we see people representing all political affiliations who forget this fundamental American truth. Liberals fight tooth and nail to defend Ward Churchill's crazy speech, and the next minute work just as hard to silence equally nutty fundamentalists. Fundamentalists think it's okay to call homosexuality a sign of the end times, and yet protest over themes in our popular culture. Where is the consistency? Where is the respect for the First Amendement, and fundamental rights that we all share? With that in mind, I won't call either group "mine" as I can't respect either one.

Here are some interesting tidbits I took from the article:

1) The SF board of directors, in denouncing the Christian protestors, called the protest an event to "negatively influence the politics of America's most tolerant and progressive city." The irony cuts like a hot knife through butter!

2) Assemblyman Mark Leno (D), in true tolerant San Francisco fashion, says of the Christians "they're loud, they're obnoxious, they're disgusting, and they should get out of San Francisco." Read the article to find more nuggets of tolerance from San Francisco residents.

3) The word "fascist," which (e:Uncutsaniflush) correctly indentifies as a horribly diluted, school yard taunt, almost as bad as the word "Orwellian," is again brought out by the left to describe something they can't understand or relate to. What about the "eco-fascists" who blow up SUVs, home developments, and support taxing gasoline even more, to force Americans to live according to their vision? I'm sure we'll see an official statement from Mr. Leno any day now.

4) The Christian fundies use the word "war" a hell of a lot in describing the conflict they have with America's popular culture. Remember, these ARE fringe fundies, and I'm not being flippant. I'm beginning to wonder when Christian fundies will adopt a similar action plan to the Islamic fundies world wide. I wonder if SF will go down in a blaze of "holy justice."

5) Hypocrisy is something that lives on, and resolutely stays in every human heart and mind. It doesn't matter what stripes you bear, you are a fucking hypocrite.

Jason

Our cousin Rusty passed the other day. He was 47. He was a good man and a good father, and hilariously funny (much like myself). Like Billy Joel said, Only the Good Die Young!

Some of you may remember how heartbroken I was that I lost my long lost sister's phone number, so I couldn't get a hold of her. I was so upset, besides myself. Well I finally found the number and gave it a ring tonight.

ERRR ERRR...the number you have dialed is not in service anymore.

So I spent some time trying to use the web as a resource to find her. I called a half dozen Diane Marsh characters tonight and none of them was her. After a while, the "Oops, I'm sorry" speech to the aggrieved became canned. Tonight I've been absolutely inconsolable, and alone, and with a phone out of battery. So I choose to go online to say how I feel. I desperately want to connect with my family.

Eventually I decided I would try my mother, the first among many women who threw me away and didn't want me. It turns out she is indeed in Jamestown, so next week I am going to show up at her door and confront her. She is the reason I have so many deeply rooted issues when it comes to women. Plus she is possibly the only way I can get a hold of Diane.

I only have one memory of my mother, in Pre-School when she came to see us, and we went to get some candy. I remember being in the candy store, and I picked something out and she was like hell no. I don't recall even recognizing her as mom, only as some lady who wanted to hang out with Josh and I. I thought she was mean.

Then one day at home when Josh and I were in our early teens, Mother called and I would not speak to her. Josh did, and he told me Mom said she thinks about us every day. Bullshit, I thought, absolute bullshit. I held a grudge....

....at least until tonight. I can't go on through life not talking to Mother. I can't imagine getting married and not having my Mother there to see it. I have a whole half of a family which is a complete mystery. Diane stuck her neck out to get a hold of us and I owe it to her to find her, no matter the cost, even if I have to face up to the things, and the people, which have hurt me the most.

At least I didn't almost piss in the garbage today.

Jason

I've written about this story before. I have another semi-rant to spew about it:



Things like this really make me wish I was born a female. Again I'll say it, whoever told you it's a man's world is truly an idiot.

Who are the most vulnerable people in our society? Enron investors? The working poor? No, the answer to the question is: Children.

I've known for a long time that there is no such thing as equal justice in this country. Rich people get away with murder (literally), The famous can do basically whatever they want, white people get away with shit that black people could never get away with. Now we know that if you are a female you can get away with rape. Just tell them you are too pretty to go to jail, and that you are in therapy. Because that argument always works when a man has the spotlight on him. This country is filled to the brim with legal double standards.

Is this the kind of place you want to live? What if it was YOUR kid that got raped? When will Americans forget about their own piece of the pie in this matter and become unified against our inequal system of justice?

At first I was going to talk about dating bloopers, after reminiscing over some very funny (and stupid) things I've done in my time. Then something occured to me, a comment (e:Ajay) wrote on my MySpace profile - something denouncing my self-proclaimed flirting glory. It occured to me, and you don't hear me say this often, (e:Ajay), so enjoy it - you are absolutely correct! So I want to encourage everyone to share their stories.

Before I start, if anyone is interested, yes Jerry and I are absolutely rampant in Dart League, after our 0-2 start. We are in top form right now.

The first thing I said to my last girlfriend - "You don't like your nose, do you?"

What I said to a girl last Tuesday, after she told me she didn't talk to me the previous week because she was seeing off a good friend - "Oh, I just thought you were being bitchy."

What I said to 2 girls in Florida who bummed cigs from me, and then asked me what else I was up to that night - "You have your cigs, now leave me alone!"

What I said to a girl who blew me off one night, and on the phone said "We'll go out tomorrow! I want to see you!" - "Screw you, you blew me off, I was embarrassed. Only call if you're actually going to follow through." (Friends of mine will find this highly ironic)

Then there was the time in college I was in my girlfriend's bed, and ripped out a GIANT fart while asleep, as well as a few aftershocks. It woke me up from a stone cold sleep, and I thought "Damn if she can live through that she's a keeper."

Jason