Some of you may remember how heartbroken I was that I lost my long lost sister's phone number, so I couldn't get a hold of her. I was so upset, besides myself. Well I finally found the number and gave it a ring tonight.

ERRR ERRR...the number you have dialed is not in service anymore.

So I spent some time trying to use the web as a resource to find her. I called a half dozen Diane Marsh characters tonight and none of them was her. After a while, the "Oops, I'm sorry" speech to the aggrieved became canned. Tonight I've been absolutely inconsolable, and alone, and with a phone out of battery. So I choose to go online to say how I feel. I desperately want to connect with my family.

Eventually I decided I would try my mother, the first among many women who threw me away and didn't want me. It turns out she is indeed in Jamestown, so next week I am going to show up at her door and confront her. She is the reason I have so many deeply rooted issues when it comes to women. Plus she is possibly the only way I can get a hold of Diane.

I only have one memory of my mother, in Pre-School when she came to see us, and we went to get some candy. I remember being in the candy store, and I picked something out and she was like hell no. I don't recall even recognizing her as mom, only as some lady who wanted to hang out with Josh and I. I thought she was mean.

Then one day at home when Josh and I were in our early teens, Mother called and I would not speak to her. Josh did, and he told me Mom said she thinks about us every day. Bullshit, I thought, absolute bullshit. I held a grudge....

....at least until tonight. I can't go on through life not talking to Mother. I can't imagine getting married and not having my Mother there to see it. I have a whole half of a family which is a complete mystery. Diane stuck her neck out to get a hold of us and I owe it to her to find her, no matter the cost, even if I have to face up to the things, and the people, which have hurt me the most.

At least I didn't almost piss in the garbage today.

Jason