I found out last night one of my friends, Kim, died yesterday. I don't know all of the details yet but from what I know, she wasn't happy, things happened, and she was rushed to a hospital in Rochester for a Liver transplant. She never made it alive to the hospital. I know my friend Janine is going to tell me later that she did it to herself and I just don't want to hear the words come out of her mouth. She was Janine's best friend. I've got this song playing in my head over and over....

Doves - Caught by the River

Son
What have you done?
You're caught by the river
You're coming undone

Life
You know it can't be so easy
But you can't just leave it
Cause you're not in control no more

And you give it all away
Would you give it all away now?
Don't let it come apart
Don't want to see you come apart

Son
What are you doing?
You learned a hard lesson
When you stood by the water

You and I
Were so full of love and hope
Would you give it all up now?
Would you give in just to spite them all?

Cause you give it all away
And you give it all away now
Don't let it come apart
Don't want to see you come apart

Cause you give it all away
And you give it all away now
Don't let it come apart
Don't want to see you come apart

Lay
I lay in the long grass
So many people
So many people pass

Stay
Stay here and lie on back
Get down in the cornfields
Stay till we're caught at last

Give it all away
Give it all away now
Don't let it come apart
Don't want to see you come apart

And you give it all away
Would you give it all away now?
Don't let it come apart
Don't want to see you come apart

Would you give it all away?
Would you give it all away?
Would you give it all away?
Give it all away
Give it all away
Give it all away
Give it all away

I am a man with numerous issues. I wake up every morning thinking, "Jesus Fucking Christ, I can't believe I have to go through this shit again." Although the doctors tell me it is a detriment to my health and mental well being, I drink and do drugs on a regular basis because life is so excruciatingly boring, ugly, pointless and nonsensical. There are so many things that make me want to give the world a middle finger and check out of this mess.

I hate the fact that someone who is higher up than you on the corporate food chain feels like it is his God-given right to belittle you and tell you how idiotic and appalling you are. They talk at you like you are a lesser human being. They hold their position of power and your own job over your head as if to say "yeah I'm fisting you in the ass, you'll take it and you'll beg for more." This makes me want to go on a Buckhead-esque killing spree to rid the world of these assholes. Nobody would miss them anyway but their gold-digging ass trophy wives, and even they would only miss the lifestyle.

I am sick and god damn tired of people thinking that an act of kindness on their part deserves reciprocation. Not once in my life have I ever done something for someone thinking, "man, I wonder what I can get out of this one!" If you do something nice expecting that they should reciprocate, you are a disingenuous asshole. Just don't bother. I'm at the point where I don't want anyone doing anything for me because I'm afraid they have alterior motives, or they will get pissy with me if I don't give them anything more than a thank you. I hate being this cynical.

Ladies, I love you and I hate you at the same time. You have no idea how intensely I can love. I would jump into the middle of a fight and take knives and bullets to defend your honor. I would bleed every drop out of my body before I would allow you to be hurt. Yet I am looked at with contempt and made to feel I am not worthy or good enough to even share a conversation. You go for the most superficial, thuggish, despicable behavior possible and I am always caught off guard. It always surprises me and it always hurts. Worse yet, I can be as selfless as possible and it will still always be about you and what you want. What men want and need just isn't important to you. I've allowed you to turn me into a self-absorbed, cynical, angry human being. That's my fault but FUCK YOU for thinking that humility, grace and mercy are nothing more than words. At this point I just want me to be happy, not you. For once I deserve to be happy god damn it. No, I am not going to bend over backwards trying to cater to you. If you dig me it does not mean that I have to dig you, and don't make me feel uncomfortable about it because I will become furious at your uncaring attitude towards me. Sometimes it just doesn't work out but I will always be respectful and I will never put you down or think that I am somehow better than you. All I want from you is unconditional love and understanding but my god it's like I'm asking you to change the way our planet spins on its axis. I am so frustrated that I'm giving up on the idea of having a family someday.

About the war on terror - everyone goes way out of their way to tell us how evil Christians are, yet they routinely ignore the islamo-fascists out there who are killing indiscriminately all over the world to intimidate people, to force them to see the world their way. You don't check out the BBC and hear these people, in their own words, say how they want to raise the flag of fundamentalist Islam over every nation, but I do. They hate Western Civilization and see it as immoral. They have a bloodlust for killing unbelievers and we're sitting over here sipping lattes and waxing philosophical about how bad we are. I wonder what level of violence it will take for us to wake the fuck up. Terrorism SHOULD be fought, not just by the US Military, but by the entire globe. It's actually a very simple situation - Islamo-fascists want to kill you or convert you, regardless of your status as a flaming liberal, for no other reason than their disapproval of Western civilization. They kill their own brother muslims all the fucking time for not being muslim enough. The evidence is right in front of your face every day but you refuse to see it. The world needs to take action. For me it's not a matter of "is it winnable", it's "terrorism MUST lose." If you want to give up, if you want to NOT fight the war on terror, then you must like the idea of a world dominated politically by the Islamo-fascists and their bombs. Better them than the Christians, eh?

To me the world is so fucked up and backwards that it is unbearable. I don't know why I care so much. I should just not give a shit and do like Nero, happily playing my lyre while watching the world burn. I don't think it's fixable - the human race is spiraling down the fucking toilet and who gives a shit as long as we get our free social benefits and are allowed to go on living our uncaring, misanthropic lifestyle! Fuck it, I am locking myself in my apartment for a while and I'm not coming out unless it's to get food or other essentials. Fuck everyone, fuck me fuck you fuck the planet. We deserve to perish.

Jason

My good friend (and former roommate) Walt came from Florida to hang out with us and engage in some debauchery. I can't show you the bad stuff but here are some pics of the guys before we went out.

(e:Jason) and Walt:


(e:Joshua) and Walt:


(e:Jason) and Jerry (OMG Jason lost a finger!):


Walt, (e:Joshua) and Jerry

In a stunning act of Congressional common sense, the House passed the "Personal Responsibility in Food Consumption Act" by a vote of 307-119.


Essentially what the House is saying is - "If you stuff your face with whoppers and bacon and fries it's your own damn fault if you blimp up!" You have to be pretty much brain dead to not know that fast food is unhealthy. If this isn't a case of common sense, I don't think there is one. And if your kids become fat because you feed them a diet of fries and burgers, you are not doing right by them in the least, and it is YOUR fault. I've grown to believe that the US is quickly becoming a place where personal responsibility doesn't matter (hey it's anyone's fault but mine!), but this development is encouraging.

In an equally stunning act of ignorance, burgeoning dictator and hero to kook liberals the world over Hugo Chavez claims the US is planning to invade Venezuela!


Of course Chavez is blowing smoke, but the liberal media grabs hold to anything that is remotely anti-US or anti-Bush and runs with it whether it is fact or fiction. He gives us the eternally flawed reasoning that we want Venezuela's oil just like we went to Iraq to get their oil. Yeah buddy, sure. I'm beyond tired of explaining to you all why this argument betrays logic, reality and common sense. I'm not sure what's funnier, that or Chavez's claim that we would pay for "100 centuries" and drown in our own blood if we indeed launched his fantasy invasion. Rather than doing the correct thing (passing this stuff off as crazed nonsense), the media instead rolls with it, believing Chavez and his looney talk. How amusing.

Jason

From LiveScience:

"About 4 percent of men may unknowingly be raising a child that really belongs to the mailman or some other guy, researchers speculate in a new study."

How fascinating. Look around you and see that approximately 1 in every 25 fathers aren't raising their child. Of course nobody cares about the plight of men in this situation, especially the feminized quasi-men out there who constantly and happily write biased law and willingly accept that other men get the shaft in court and in life. This is especially true in California where it doesn't matter if you're the dad or not - you're paying buddy! Watch the feminist lobby try to work AGAINST technological advances which can make parental identification easy.

What happens if you're a guy and have been DUPED and LIED TO by your wife concerning their adultery and the identity of the child's father? You're pressured by women's groups and the already mentioned pseudo-men to be a "real man" and "do what's best for the child." If you don't pay up what happens? You GO TO JAIL. I challenge ANY OF YOU to come up with a vaild reason that explains why we allow this to happen. Where's the fairness and equity in the law? How many of you guys out there know that in NYS if you get engaged and give her an engagement ring, she can just say "eh I don't like him" and call off the wedding, but legally she is ENTITLED to the ring that you probably spent thousands of dollars on? FUCK THAT!

I'm sure some of you are wondering what I would do if I found out the kid I've loved and raised was fathered by some other guy. What would YOU do, Jason? I would walk the fuck out, that's what I would do. And I wouldn't pay one single damn penny towards the child's upbringing. If I had to go to jail, then fine I would be sitting in a jail cell because I didn't pay up for a kid that wasn't mine. I would rather do that than feel the shame, humiliation and helplessness of being the guy who got fucked over in life by some cheating ass wife. Not your kid? You should be FREE from any obligation regarding the child. It's not your problem anymore, it's between the REAL father and the REAL mother. Anything else is biased, anti-male bullshit that needs to be eradicated.

Jason

I'll be there for the (e:lilho) and (e:tina) Birthday Bash! Hide the ladies and the buddha!

Jason

I hopped on the scale at my friend's house and this is what it read:

190.4

This marks the first time ever that I have weighed 190 or more. Then again, my diet consists of alcohol, fast food and cigarettes so I'm not really surprised. It's not that I'm a fattie, you've seen my photos - I carry my weight well as a tall guy, but I just like to weigh somewhere around 175. I seem to feel the best weighing around that range.

So what's the plan? Cut out the junk food and the booze, and play racquetball with Jerry two times a week. I should be able to do it, but I'm too lazy to cook. Ask Josh he can testify.

Jason

Yeah, like that's any surprise. I read the families are worried about Latsis' "lack of a job" and Hilton's "busy social life" - HELLO they are both ridiculously wealthy! If I had billions to fall back on I would be at the beach too.

Paris Hilton is basically one of the most fuckable women on the planet. And that's about all you could say about her. She's not American royalty, my goodness she is anything but regal. She's a bar slut with a pedigree. She's white trash. I bet Latsis' dad was like, "Uhhh wtf mate don't embarrass us like this!"

Of course none of this will delay my plans to impregnate a Bush twin!

Jason

So this guy goes to the Doctor because he thinks he might be gay.

The Doctor says, "What makes you think you're gay? Are you having feelings?"

The Guy says, "No, no I don't have any feelings. But my Grampa was gay."

The Doctor says, "So? That doesn't mean that you'll be gay too."

The Guy says, "Well my Dad was also gay."

The Doctor says, "Again, that doesn't mean that you'll be gay too."

The Guy says, "Yeah well listen to this - all 5 of my brothers are also gay!"

The Doctor yells, "God damn! Doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?!?!"

The Guy says, "Yeah - my sister!"

I cry on the inside when I am hurting. I'm hurting a lot today.