...and a little depressed, and a little hopeless. Why is it that a boss feels like it is well within his rights to belittle you and your efforts? He doesn't know your job or how to do it, yet he feels entitled to judge! Just once I would like to hear, "Hey Jay, this is really neat, nice job", but no, instead you hear about the 2 things that aren't quite right yet and they are made out to be disasters of biblical proportions, and you never hear one single word of encouragement. How nice.

Jason

Bullshit outside of work, bullshit at work. I'm knee deep in bullshit. Everything I do is wrong, I can do no right. I'm beginning to wonder if they are right about me.

Jason

Today I tried my damnedest to open up my medicine bottle but I couldn't. It hurt so bad to wrap my hands around the bottle and try to twist off the top. Eventually I had to just bear the pain and twist until the freakin thing opened. I'm gonna call Gramma today and tell her I understand her life a little better now.

Jason

T.I. - ASAP
Paul Wall - Sittin Sideways
T.I. - Motivation
The Neptunes/Snoop Dogg - It Blows My Mind
Jay-Z - Where I'm From
Trillville - Some Cut
Lil Jon and Lil Scrappy - What You Gon Do
Lil Boosie & Webbie - Give Me That
Tupac - Hail Mary
Jay-Z - In My Lifetime (Remix)
Mike Jones - Back Then

Let's see how the hood reacts!!!!!

Jason

I am totally non-functional right now. I've been sleeping all day. I called my only connect to see if I could pick up and as usual he didn't answer, and most likely as usual he won't even bother to acknowledge my phone call by hitting me back. God I hate that. Oh well, one less person in my phone book.

I'm really hungry too. Maybe I'll go get some BK.

Jason

Ouch, I just looked at my arm and this is what it looks like:



I wish I had a more detailed web cam. Or a digi cam. My arm looks so horrible. The wounds are very purplish. My right thumb and the knuckle on my middle finger are both really sore, although I can type without any pain. My left wrist is really in a lot of pain too, I played 12 holes of golf today on it and it was really painful.

(e:Paul) showed me the google search thing - hell if it brings more traffic to the site then fine. Kinda surprising though that I would be number one on the search.

Jason

For the first time since seventh grade I was forced to fight. (e:Paul) and (e:Lilho) met the guy. Now, before I start in on this story let me say that I abhor violence. I'm not a violent guy, never have been. I've never been the type to start a physical altercation with someone. I'm not a tough guy, just a normal dude. I wish this never happened.

Tonight I went to Merlin's to see my co-worker's band play. I had a really good time. My ex-buddy and I decided to go get some buddha. So on the way his car dies, leaving me stranded in Cheektovegas with no buddha and no way to get home. I start complaining, we get out of the car and he starts pushing me. He has always thought, Jason's a bitch, he won't fight back, he's a pussy. I let him push me around, thinking he'll stop and we'll be on our way to his apartment. No, he keeps on pushing me and talking shit to me. Finally my anger was kindled and I decided I would defend myself.

I turned on him and wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing him to the ground. I said are you going to stop? Are you going to fucking chill out and stop acting like an idiot? I let him up. No, he decided he was going to fight. Bad move on his part, because I caught him dead on his forehead with a right hand, stunning him and pushing him back. I knew I had him so I hit him as hard as I could on the temple with my left. I dragged him to the ground and gave him a few more bumps for good measure. I decided it was stupid and I was done with it and I just wanted to be home and in bed, so I got up and walked away.

I tried talking reason to him. I tried explaining to him that you can't just act and say and do whatever the fuck you feel all the time, because there are going to be consequences. He's 21, barely knowing what to do with his dick and without any kind of sense of accountability to anyone, nor does he have a grasp on any kind of logic. He just feels like he should be able to push me around without anything happening. I'm fucking sick of that. I'm sick of being disrespected and treated like a chump. I don't know what the hell that kid was thinking. I never should have associated with a young kid like that. Of course after he got two huge lumps and a lot of blood on his face he kept on talking shit, just like a fucking bitch ass white suburbanite kid would do. I'm done with him, fuck him, this isn't the first time this has happened to him either. He already has people stealing his mail and on more than one occasion he has come to work with black eyes. I don't want that stress in my life, I don't want to associate with assholes who feel like they should make me feel threatened.

So I walked to Amherst and finally got a ride home. I have his blood on my hands still and my hands are hurting really bad. I never want this to happen to me again. I'm ashamed. I don't know how I was supposed to react. I felt in danger so I protected myself and then some. I prayed for forgiveness. Now I am going to clean up and go to bed. I'm sure he'll act like a punk and try to mess up my car or something. I'll have a hard time restraining myself.

I really need a hug. A big hug.

Jason

Last night I was surprised to hear my neighbor Chris say that a guy named Paul was at the door looking for me. (e:Paul) and (e:Lilho) were at the door so I invited them up to the porch to chill for a while and survey the area where the banner will hang. The challenge is to find a good way to attach the banner to the house in some way. I think I will try getting some kite string and wrapping the banner around the front of the porch. We'll see how it turns out!

(e:Lilho) is a very impressive young woman. (e:Hodown) you should be proud of her. She definitely has me pegged, I didn't want to admit it to her at the time but yes I think having a girlfriend might be nice. She said that I'm more agreeable in real life than my journal would let on, and that my pictures don't look like me. I hope I'm better looking in real life than my pictures, I hate having my picture taken.

(e:Paul) is an interesting fellow. He is always smiling and offering jokes. His journal really doesn't reflect that too well. He mentioned adding a comment area to our journals, and that he has gotten opposing opinions in terms of having people be able to comment on what we write. I told him I thought it was a good idea because I don't know how many times I've wanted to be able to post my reactions without having to create an entirely new journal entry, only with the purpose of answering someone. I think it in some way improves our interactions and makes them more complete. I really don't care if someone flames me, hell I'm sure it's bound to happen. We talked about programming, music, relationships and a variety of other topics. I revealed to him my secret crush!

I was overjoyed to meet them both. One of the goals I had in joining this site was to hopefully meet other people in the neighborhood. I think in general I got a favorable reaction. See, I've been trying to say it, I'm not a bad dude! I can't wait to go to (e:Ajay)'s get together and meet more (e:peeps). My brother can't come because he will be in Los Angeles, so I'll have to represent 750 on my own. And (e:Paul), forget what my buddy said, the watermelon colors are cool!

Jason

(e:Hodown) - Are you okay? You didn't mention what happened.

Being rejected and not wanted by women is just something guys have to deal with. It's part of being a guy - having every little aspect of you scrutinized and judged harshly. If, and mean IF you are lucky enough she'll grace you with her presence. You would think the word "mercy" isn't in the female vocab! Never though have I said that I would swear off women.

I've always wondered about dating in NYC. Most likely I would never survive because the materialism and shallowness are probably much more intense than here in Buffalo. I really don't envy you in that sense - I'm sure there are lots of available singles but the attitude is different. When something is tough, or something isn't going your way why give up on it? Get pissed off, get motivated. Maybe this means we need further explanation.

Jason

I decided yesterday to drink. Man I feel drained.

I went with my best friend to Colter Bay. We got a pint of Guinness. Then we got the Group Therapy (Pitcher of Stella Artois + 5 shots of Crown Royal). Two people are a group, right? Then I said "You know what buddy? I want a martini." So we went to Cecelia's. I really like Cecelia's, plus it is within only a few steps of my apartment. They switched up the martini menu on me so my favorite drink is GONE. That sucks but they have another one now (Orange Sunrise) that is pretty good.

It was pretty empty there but there were four very good looking ladies sitting at the bar. Of course at this point Jerry and I were both WAY in the tank. I sit at his right side and try to be the voice of reason. I know that when he drinks and opens his mouth sometimes the stupidest shit comes out. Then again, he gets way more girls than I do. At any rate, Jerry went to the bathroom, came back and made a line for the two girls closest to us. At that point my mind ceased to function.

Why is it that I wrongly make assumptions about martini girls? I see otherwise normal chicks, cute and dressed up, drinking martinis and my heart goes cold. I then make my assumptions, that they wouldn't want to talk to me, that they are gold diggers, that they have their head up their ass, Jerry is better looking than me so they both will want him....a whole array of things zip in and out of my head. Then I become altogether disinterested in the situation and remove myself from it. I grabbed Jerry's phone, then ran outside to smoke a cig and make a call.

When I got back inside Jerry and the girls were laughing so I engaged in the conversation (though I wouldn't introduce myself). The girls were tipsy and having a good time. They didn't have any boyfriends, or at least that's what they said. It turns out they know and like the guys from Anal Pudding, which let me know they must be cool and down to earth and not easily offended. My heart grew warmer and I felt better about being with them. Instead of observing and looking bored I got comfortable and hung out for a while. I looked the blonde up and down and thought "Wow, this is exactly the type of chick I like. I am messing up so badly! Why haven't I been talking to her the whole time?" I'm not sure how or when our conversation ended but they left, without us. That's when I realized I blew a genuine opportunity. They were both lovely and intelligent.

After we said goodbye, we saw the other two girls again outside and so Jerry again made a line for them. Again my heart went cold and I became severely disinterested. Again I made the same assumptions. These two were knockouts! I thought, "Why would they want to talk to me? They'll just act like I'm beneath them. They will ignore me." I saw a dog walking alone and I went to play with it, deciding that it was better to spend time with him. I talked the dog's owner for a while (he owns the flower shop by Cecelia's, nice guy) and then went back to Cecelia's. Jerry was still there talking to the girls so I walked up and introduced myself. Jerry said "We were just talking about how women only like jerks." I replied "Why would you guys talk about this?" Jerry always brings this up, and to me it's just like saying "I'm bitter and you aren't going to like me." If you're actually trying to get a girl to like you why talk like this? After a while the girls left, again without us.

I did everything wrong last night. Jerry at least believed in himself, and at least he went after something he wanted. I disappeared, I left him alone, I let him down. I couldn't stop kicking my own ass for just a second to think hell yes I deserve to hang out with a cool, intelligent, beautiful chick and hell yes I'm more than good enough for them. I'm good looking, have a decent job, educated, have diverse interests, like to have fun and good conversation, and am undeniably sweet. I have a lot of good in me and even if the girls had their head up their ass it would still remain so. I should never have doubted myself. I should never have let my own insecurity trip myself up that way. I'm so upset at myself. I actually was very interested in that blonde. Maybe I'll see her again someday.

Jason