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I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, each telling me to do very different things right now. I've already made my poor judgments and bad decisions in this situation. I let my need for sex and affection get the better of me. You see ever since mother left us when I was a baby I think I've had some kind of extra desire to be loved and cared for. I've been so fucking lonely for some time now and combined with horniness it made me do things that are really beyond what I thought I was capable of.

One thing is for certain - I feel guilty. No....I certainly AM guilty, and so are you. And so you should feel guilty as well. When you were over the other night I said I didn't feel badly at all for your boyfriend, not even a little. I meant it at the time, but when I woke up today I was overcome with sadness and self-loathing. We should have drawn a line and not crossed it. You know that I've been on the other side before. You know how much being cheated on affected me, how it hurt me, how it destroyed my self esteem. Now I'm the one who helped you cheat. Now I'm the other man. I guess if it wasn't me it would be some other fool, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

When you left the other night I saw your away message said "Watching a movie here at home" when in reality you were at my house, getting very familiar with me until 5 AM. I realized I was part of a deception. I kinow you said that he treats you like crap, and that you always argue, but that's only one side of the story! And even if all of it were true, it doesn't justify what we are doing. Nothing justifies the lying, the cheating, the deception....regardless if you pity him or feel bad because it's the holiday season....we should never have done this to the guy. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Let me ask you a question - you've been cheated on, right? So why would you be okay with inflicting that on someone? Oh, and you didn't know this, but I am very aware you have been on Match.com. Why would an attached person be looking for dates? If you really felt pity, if you really felt compassion you would just break up with the guy.

Although I've already made my mistakes and poor decisions, I can't do it any longer. I'm disgusted with myself. The devil on my shoulder says to just enjoy the sex, because I can always just dump you whenever I want. The angel on the other side says to leave you alone and let the situation work itself out between the two of you. When another person is introduced it becomes unacceptable, no matter what. I look and the mirror and want to throw up because I hate what I've been doing.I can't live my life like this. I'm not being the guy Gramma would be proud of. And anyway what would make me think that you would be any more loyal to me than you were to him? I can't be guaranteed, and I would never give my heart to someone who I don't trust with it.

So we have to stop today, take a few steps back and not see each other for a while. The circumstances aren't right. If you were just single and looking it would be different. Maybe someday in the future it can be different, maybe not. I don't know. I have to try and work through my guilt and self-loathing on my own. I'm sorry if you're disappointed. I'm disappointed too. We all want to be loved and to be happy, but this is not the way to get there. I hope you can learn to understand where I'm coming from someday.

Jason

Paul's cryptic message was simply a quotation mark. Reference Ajay's chr(34) problem in his post title from earlier.

Jason (Takes a Nerd to Know One? Heh! Sorry to spill the beans!)

Yeah, I think I may go with a Sidekick 2. I'm getting really excited about it which means that I'll get trigger happy and buy it today. Must...wait....

Damn, Paul, have you not already considered consulting a lawyer to see what legal recourse you have? Reading about your landlord situation makes ME pissed. That guy is a snake in the grass for sure. Good luck to you guys in getting that stuff settled.

Jason

Check it out!



Jason

I decided that I would finally stop BSing and get a better mobile phone when I get my Christmas bonus. I'm not really up on the newest cell technology, nor what the best plans are. My phone is very basic. I think I want to get a Sidekick or a Sidekick 2 based on what everyone is saying about them. But I do have some questions:

1) Is the Sidekick 2 that much better than the Sidekick that it justifies extra money?
2) How much do you guys pay for the plan and to have all the goodies?
3) Do they come with some kind of USB/Firewire module to transfer pix to the PC?
4) Does it do SMS Text Messaging?

Better yet if there is a better site where I can find this information I would really like to know. Thanks for any help.

Also I got my new Logitech Z680 speaker set for my computer! I now have 5.1 surround sound on my computer and I am thrilled. I watched Star Wars Episode 1 last night and the sound is incredible. I never thought computer speakers would sound that good. Logitech came out with their newest speaker set so the Z680's are now relatively cheap ($200 on Amazon). Good stuff! I'm going to have to test it out with music and games this weekend.

Jason

Thanks for those links, Ajay. I was unaware of EA's practices in that regard. I'm sure glad I bought the ESPN football game instead! Of course it was also half the price of EA's game. My friend no longer works at EA in Orlando. I'm sure he's fine though. AIP produces a lot of really good people and he is no exception.

I happen to also be a white collar worker, so I know the woes of no overtime. There are times when you work longer hours. The prevailing attitude is that when you are salaried, 40 hours is considered to be the minimum. If you have a release upcoming, you put in whatever hours you have to in order to complete the job. I'm not surprised that they had to endure that. I'm not saying it's good, just that I'm not surprised. Many fund managers and other financial people also work hours like that on a regular basis. I'm not for taking away overtime from people who already earn it. Would I like overtime? Yes! That is if my small company (or others like it) could still afford to operate. If not, then I could always just either take a moderately sized pay cut or milk the system as much as possible. About your dissertation - all I have to say is DAMN! You earned the hell out of that sheepskin. No wonder I haven't seen my upstairs neighbor in months - he's in the English Department at UB.

I'm not elite! I have no more or less power/influence than any of you! We are in a liberal bastion! Not all R's are old fat white men smoking cigars and running over babies with their SUV's, just like not all D's are non-showering, dreadlock wearing, birkenstock wearing, cocaine snorting, christian harrassing, tofutti eating hippies. Besides, "elite" can be construed many different ways, most of them having nothing to do with having a D or an R next to your name, but simply having power, money, or influence. College professors are "elite" - just look at the crackpot writing the weekly article in Artvoice. The Clintons are elite. The Bush family is elite. The Kennedy family is elite. Tony Masiello is elite. George Soros is elite. Giambra is elite. Business leaders are elite. The leaders of NOW are elite. I can go on forever - but the point is that wanting more for yourself and your pals has little to do with your political philosophy. Is having power and influence concentrated in THREE connected people in Albany good for the average citizenry any more than letting a company in NYC harrass us to pay our tax bills? I say not really. The people should have the power and influence over them, not the other way around. Cleaning up the Republican party only solves one small fraction of the issue. I would rather clean up everything. Maybe that's possible...who knows.

Jason

(e:scud) - I have a childhood friend who graduated from AIP. He went on to work for Electronic Arts modelling stadiums and helmets for Madden 2002 and such. Anyway I can tell you that he loved it there. I was able to see a lot of work that the students do there, and I was nothing short of amazed. You should have a really good experience there from what I've heard and seen.

Okay, I know that we're all happy that we can go to the library still, and we can still check out the BPO (at least those of us who give a shit about classical music, which based by my count last time I attended was about 30). That's great. I can only assume then that you all are happy (minus ajay I guess) that middle income families who are already choked to death by taxes now find their lives even more expensive. I suppose we could have an e-strip get together to celebrate the death of Buffalo's private sector and inability to attract jobs or keep people. And, oh yeah, you guys know that public money is going into bringing BassPro here, right? Yippee! BassPro! That's exactly what Buffalo needs is a place to buy our huntin' and fishin' supplies! I'm gonna get a shotgun to protect myself from rabid liberals! Thanks Giambra! The so-called Republicans straight up caved in, agreeing to yet another stupid tax hike that further harms everyone. We were fed this red/green budget bullshit, as if there were only two choices to be made - raise taxes or shut down government. How simple minded. Gah I'm so freaking disappointed right now. Maybe I'll just quit my job and start milking the system.

Jason

(e:terry) - Nice skillz! Matthew's hat looks sweet. My hands shake a little so I can't really do that kind of thing very well. Therefore I stick to the Bledsoe cap. As long as he plays well I don't have to be embarrassed to wear it.

Jason