After yesterday's rant, I've decided it's time to elaborate a bit more on why certain things upset me so.

I try my best not to be a jealous person, and I'm about 95% of the way there. I've not been a jealous person in my relationships, or my personal dealings, but there are certain situations that really bring it out of me - one of them being Jerry's magnetic attraction to the ladies.

I absolutely cannot stand it when someone has so many opportunities, and then bitches about not having what they think they deserve. You see this all the time from lovely women who complain about dozens of guys approaching her, but never the right ones! I can't even tell you how bad my language gets when I hear stuff like that.

I wish I could have even half of the opportunities Jerry gets. I think he takes it for granted, and that really rubs me the wrong way because in the end it becomes an entitlement. If I had around five or so girls vying for my attention I probably would have chosen one. And yeah, part of it involves sex with hot girls but moreso it is about having someone look at you in a way that lets you know how much they want you, how they enjoy being with you. That's what really bothers me, that I don't have THAT in my life. Part of me craves attention, admiration, love and acceptance - instead of constantly having your balls broken.

I'm not nearly as good looking as Jerry, although if I must say so I think I'm a relatively good looking guy. I don't have the whole dark feature thing and that opens many doors. But really what I'm missing is the will to just go for it. There is only a small percentage of girls who I'm willing to make that kind of effort to attract, and it has less to do with looks than her outlook towards life. There are a lot of beautiful girls but only a select few are grounded enough and "human" enough for me to make the effort.

One of them wrote to Jerry recently asking if he's hiding from her. Now, I don't know this chick very well, but my impression is highly favorable. She is definitely not the kind of girl that Jerry normally hangs out with. She seems like an absolute doll. She almost has a negative attitude towards herself, and I can't explain how much I just want to laugh and explain to her how unique she is. I would kill (not really) to have an opportunity to have a girl like that in my life. Of course sappy doesn't sell so I would have to translate that into something better. Anyway I'm jealous as all hell that he has this kind of attention from the girls and I don't. I feel like I would be able to take an opportunity and run with it. I'm not perfect by any means but I could enhance someone's life in some ways.

I'm trying so hard to not be jealous, and to think of the great things I have to offer that other people don't. I know that I'm unique too. It's just so difficult sometimes to get over this stuff and to move on and get what you want.

In staying with tradition, I have to once again rant about some things that will appall you and make you respect me less.

(e:Ladycroft)'s motto is "Say what you mean, and mean what you say" and I thought about that for hours last night. Okay, Jerry is hooking up with his intern, a freshly minted 21 year old, and he wanted me to go with him to this girl's apartment party last night. I thought, "Oh, shit,hell naw bro" until he introduced the tease: There would be plenty of hot chicks there who are going to WANT you, Jason! Well holy hell who could say no to that? And then over the course of the week he sent me links to pics of the girls who were interested. Needless to say I was absolutely excited about the prospect.

Despite not feeling my best for a few days I went with him, really only because he promised me hot ass, otherwise I would have stayed home. I cleaned up, shaved, got all nice smelling and whatnot, put on my costume (Monk re-hash) and got in the car. When we got there I met the girl Jerry's hooking up with, and she was actually a decent enough chick, but where the fuck were the girls Jerry told me about? Some fat bitch asked me where my little boy was ("I'm a MONK, not a priest, you retard!") but the girls Jerry told me about were nowhere to be found. Ummm, what the fuck?!?! It was at this moment when I realized I had been utterly BAMBOOZLED and tricked into accompanying Jerry to this travesty so that he wouldn't feel weird. How could he do this to me?!?!?

But oh, does it ever get worse - I was relegated to third wheel status as we jetted around town, my bitterness and discontentment reaching critical levels with every bar visit. Some chick grabbed my ass at Gordon's, which I guess is better than nothing. Faherty's was alright, but said bartender who hooked me up with a nice shot of Jameson's earlier in the week was having absolutely none of it from me. Too bad because I would have totally respected her and treated her the way a woman deserves to be treated, such and such and so forth. Hell no, I would have drilled her like a Texas Oil man. The closest prospect was a friend of a friend, a known Swinger but that fell through at the last moment as her brother pulled her out of the joint. Fat Bob's was okay, but really at this point I was about 6-8 drinks in the bag and in a terrible mood. When you were tricked into being a mobile support group and third wheel you tend to just want to throw caution to the wind and pickle yourself.

I began to think about how Jerry basically hoards the girls, putting many on the back burner while one gets his attention, all the while making vague suggestions about maybe pushing one of them off to me. Never happens. I also thought about the ridiculous comments he made about Walt "dominating" when he came here. It's times like this when you just have to admit to yourself that you have a hot friend, and you're the equivalent of the ugly chick who tags along in the hopes of getting some runoff. Jason, you're never going to get what you want so just fucking move on and live with it!

If he would have just been straight up with me to begin with I might not have gone, or I might have just because he's my best buddy, but the worst thing to do is tease me with hot ass, promise me a fun, nasty, sex filled night and then end up being a total liar. I am fucking PISSED. I wish I would have just stayed home, unshowered and stoned and perfectly happy. At least I only paid for one drink.

So, Jerry and I were at Faherty's last night watching the Sabres game (one of the bartenders used to tend during our dart nights) and a chick bartender (not the one we know) noticed my Bass Ale wasn't downed. She looked at me, handed me a napkin and said "You might need this to wipe your pussy."

Of course, I'm famous for not taking that kind of thing so when she walked by again I gave her the napkin back and told her that she'd better worry about her own pussy. SHOCKING.

And what happened? She plopped down a shot glass and poured me a Jameson's. Cool deal!

It pays to be a jerk! To be honest I thought about stepping it up a notch and offering her a hand (hehe) but that might have been going overboard.

Jerry's still laughing about the whole deal, so at least we had fun.

As estrip's budding Tony Robbins I feel I have to leave an inspiring message for everyone today, including myself.

Work hard. It's far less agonizing than watching the clock tick.

We all have tough times. Getting through them is good for the soul.

Home is impenetrable to the drama and bullshit of work/school. Keep it that way.

When was the last time you did something helpful for your fellow man?

Which means, of course, that we had friends visiting from NYC. Oh, I love those guys, the most fun and obscene people I know. They are married, so I can't publicly document everything, but I will say a good time was had by all.

The night kicked off at Pearl Street, where we drank some of their beer and watched the Sabres embarrass the Rangers. James is every bit the partisan Rangers fan, so it was fun needling him. Walt once again declared impartiality, which is fucking shameful. Some chick in there had the dirtiest mouth I've heard on a female, calling Jagr a "fucking pussy." That was the clean part. I laughed very, very hard.

After the game we went to Mother's because Jerry needed to wish a happy birthday to his coworker E-Max. She was having dinner with her visibly annoyed boyfriend. Mother's ain't the best place for a quiet dinner, not to mention it is the favored watering hole for prospective trophy wives and social climbers (see (e:Jenks) post about Ryan Miller and Andrew Peters - it is well known that Sabres visit the place, which explains the overwhelming stench of MHBs). I wouldn't say I hate the place, but it isn't my favorite by a long shot. Whenever I go there I feel a strong impulse to get the hell out of dodge and ritually scrub myself with lava rocks.

As an aside, I laughed until it hurt when I read (e:Jenks) post concerning her coworker who was dating Nick Carter, and had him stolen from her by Paris Hilton. I have to ask, was that a joke? Was she being serious? Because some celebrity threw her a bone (literally and figuratively) she's going to go through life thinking that's basically what she deserves, and nothing less. Truly hilarious. The evil motherfucker in me thoroughly enjoyed reading the post.

Anyhow, we finally, thank God, left Mother's and headed towards Chippewa. I have been trying my ass off to get rid of the flawed notion that the overwhelming majority of women are out for the dollas, and Chippewa is the very best place to test yourself when you have this mindset because you are literally surrounded by it at all times. Well, I don't think the notion is TOTALLY flawed, there is some truth to it, but I tend to overexaggerate it greatly.

Of course I assumed an alias ("Jake McDermott") and went to 67 West with my buddies for some more alcohol and debauchery. Josh "forgot" his ID so he went home. I chatted up many a chick with my married friends. These two cute chicks were there with their mothers, at least I think it was their mothers, either that or some really fuckin weathered 30-somethings. They tried to scam drinks from us, and I laughed out loud in their faces. How about a blow job honey? Walt was his usual charming self - the ladies love him, what can I say? I've always appreciated the runoff however. Jerry not so much so, he has to be the #1 dog at all times. This from a guy who fucks more girls in the span of a couple months than I have in my life. Whatever. We smoked some cigars, laughed it off and headed over to SoHo. You guys know how much I love SoHo.

There was a $3 cover, which is completely inexplicable considering there is never any live entertainment, unless you count everyone inside who is trying way too hard to make an impression. Had a Heineken, met an old friend who I hadn't seen in many a moon, and somehow lost my friends along the way. The place was absolutely crawling with hot ass. My libido is returning with a fury, which is yet another sign that I am coming out of it. Saw a tall, leggy blonde, an amazon woman, who was absolutely amazing. I've always wanted to know what I could get away with armed with nothing but $5 and my wits.

Eventually I found my buddies and we went back to 67, God knows why. Did some cherry bombs, chatted up a few more people, and the NYC guys got us a cab in less than 5 seconds. The cabbie was a cool ass dude. He let us smoke the remainder of our cigars, and he bumped some hip hop for us, loud as all hell. Elmwood looks very odd with no lights. Thankfully I've never been out of power. The guys wanted to partake in an unnamed activity which was met by my swift veto (if I won't do it, you know it's gotta be bad).

I love those guys. I wish I could hang with them more. I had an awesome night! How about you guys?

-Jake McDermott

$11.3M award for "defamatory" internet posts.



There are way too many lawyers in the world. They are fucking sharks. Predators. Law firms are some of the very few businesses in Buffalo that can afford billboard and TV advertising (the other businesses being car dealerships).

Broke a nail? I'm sure someone out there would be willing to try and get you a heavy reward. What nonsense.

The fact that people can even do something like this sets a dangerous precedent. What, if someone gets offended are you going to sue them? I guess so.

What are we becoming?

Just a few quick things:

1) The job is going fine. So far I like it. It is by far the most professional and organized company I've worked for up to this date.

2) I'm still constantly thinking about how people become happy. I've learned cash has nothing to do with it. Now, don't get me wrong, cash can and will do many things for you. It will get you nice things, and a gorgeous girlfriend. It will not however make me or anyone else happy. People are always looking for something, and are always replacing real happiness with the transitory kind that comes from getting a new gadget or fucking some random chick. I'm still searching but I'm on my way.

3) I have to now shave and shower and dress nicely every day for my job, and I do believe it has a positive effect on how I carry myself, and how I feel about myself.

4) Finally there is a new upstairs neighbor. I met her yesterday. I think she'll fit in well at the house. Oh yeah, it also helps that she is extremely easy on the eyes, and has friends, blonde friends (now don't you brunettes start whining to me - I'm swedish). The evil son of a bitch that I am suppressing wants to prowl but it's probably not the wisest choice at this time.

And, no, I'm not talking about the very awesome Chicago song.

In case anyone wondered, I got the job in Grand Island. It sounds like a challenging and interesting job. I'm going to get a lot of experience in Visual Basic. Finally I will have benefits again, and I am making the same amount of money as I did before, which is great. I don't start until October 2nd, so I still have to bridge the gap in terms of finances, but at least I know I'm not going to be poor forever.

It's been a rough year, but I always felt that as long as I stayed positive and did my due diligence that things would be fine. It is very difficult to stay positive sometimes, especially for me, but the proof was in the end result.

I want to thank Lee and Timika for being in my corner - have no doubt that I drew strength from you, and it is much appreciated. I'm not out of the woods yet - I still have to find out how much I've improved since I went in and out of therapy. There are still things about me that I know have to change if I'm going to continue on this run. I got a call from my Uncle telling me how my family is proud of what I've done since January. I don't tear up a lot but I really had to fend it off during that phone call.

This is just one part of my improvement. It's an important part, no doubt, but I still have to become more of a reliable person overall. I still have to be better. I freely admit there are some ugly things about Jason, but at least I know about them and want to change.

I'm looking forward to PMT's housewarming party. I can't believe it's been almost a year since the Halloween party. Meeting Twisted is going to be cool. Partying with you all is going to be a lot of fun. It is a very humbling and gratifying experience to have people who don't know you so well, but still feel comfortable enough to talk about their lives and experiences freely. It feels great. It lets me know that I'm developing into a better person, instead of remaining the evil son a bitch that I've been on occasion.

I found a really cool piece of software that facilitates the creation of a podcast, and the coolest part is that it's free. It also has a lot of features. I think I'm going to be able to create some interesting things with Josh's help. Larson vs. Larson isn't all that far off.

PEACE.

Roughly translated from what my Uncle told me.

When you walked outside today, did you step on an ant?

You don't know?

If you did, can you say that the ant was a bad ant and deserved it?

You don't know?

If you did, it was an accident, and you can mourn for the ant but you can't say anything so bad about yourself because you honestly didn't know.

Sometimes, people (or other beings) are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And something was different. I wish I could put my finger on it.

But all I can tell you is that when I woke up I felt like a different person. It was very powerful, almost as if my personal storm clouds parted, at least for now. I'm very thankful, even if it is only for a day.