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Category: thoughts

05/27/06 02:52 - 68ºF - ID#23864

transparency

So I don't like when people totally figure me out. I don't mean to say that I try to be all secretive and mysterious; but once in a while someone just hits the nail right on the head, and it kind of takes my breath away.

Like a few weeks ago, someone questioned whether I am "my own person", or if I just adopt all my parents' values/opinions without forming my own. And I was immediately angry/defensive, until I realized "oh shit. maybe he's got a point." [And I told my mom this, and she said "oh god. Well if you're going to be a clone of one of us, it should at least be ME, not DAD. I'm much smarter than he is." haha I love my mom.]

But then last night a drunken Work Boy asked me if I could change one thing about myself, what would it be- and I said I'd like to not be so shy. And he said 'yeah... you are too shy.' (gee thanks.) But he went on... "you worry too much about what other people think. You need to relax and live a little. You've spent your whole life being The Good Girl. You've always done everything right, and safe, and boring. You come from a great, but conservative, family, and even your "wild side", your pierced tongue for example, is 'safe'- nothing permanent like a tattoo. You're really this good, reserved, conservative girl- but you want to have this air of mystery and excitement around you..."

Fuck! Because he might be kind of right, but I don't like seeing it spelled out that way.

But, the funny thing is- he was saying all this because I wouldn't make out with him in the middle of the bar and he was trying to convince me "live a little". But as far as the threesome thing goes (which I don't know why I even told him, except that 1- I was drunk and 2- oh yeah I tell everyone everything. fortunately I didn't give any details) he was totally judgmental and "ew gross don't be a skank" and 'what would you tell your grandchildren?'

But enough of that...

So last night my plans kept getting changed around, and I ended being talked into watching the end of the game at Work Boy's house, and waiting for (e:imk2) to be free to go to Swannie House to see Jackdaw. So the boys there were all excited that another girl was coming by, first question (of course) was "is she hot?!". (To which I said "of course", naturally). But so Work Boy seemed totally intrigued by Yvonne. Very curious about how we know each other, and when I was vague about it (only b/c I'm still shy to admit to my inner nerdiness by saying 'online', and also because I don't want him (or anyone from work) reading my journal) he got it into his head that we are lesbian lovers and I just didn't want to tell him. He asked me like five times "c'mon you can tell me! I'm your friend! I won't tell! Have you made out?! I know you have!" And when Yvonne asked how I knew him, and I said work, and she said 'oh he's not from the site?' he was like "what site?!" and I wouldn't say, and he got it into his head that it's some secret society. He's always telling me that he thinks I have some secret mystery life that is very exciting and exotic (because I have friends that he doesn't know- gasp!). But then later in the night he goes on with the "good girl" speech from above...

But anyway, so we made it to swannie, and the boys, who initially were way too cool to go to south buffalo, called to ask where to meet us. haha. They were pretty drunk and alternated between drunk-funny and drunk-annoying. While I was getting the good girl lecture, I think Yvonne was getting an earful about radio waves and how we can't see them.

So all in all a good night. Nice to get out. I didn't get enough sleep, but fortunately I was not hungover, which is a beautiful thing.

And speaking of beautiful... it's time to get my ass outside!! (beautiful referring to outside, not my ass. ;) )

Ciao,
-J
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Permalink: transparency.html
Words: 733
Location: Buffalo, NY


05/25/06 06:07 - 71ºF - ID#23863

wow

Ok, so I wasn't imagining things. I got confirmation today. It was definitely an invite for a threesome.

And to be totally honest, i'm not sure what I think. My gut instinct is 'um no'. But then a tiny part of me thinks "maybe, for once, I should do something 'crazy'". But maybe not that kind of crazy. Who knows. I'm just still a little stunned over the whole thing.

I may talk a big game, but I'm actually quite shy and reserved (well, at least in person)- this is the kind of thing that I read about in Cosmo, not that actually happens to me. We'll see.

And then I got to thinking...
Am I too open? I have very few secrets. I wonder if I tell people too much too soon. A med student I only worked with for a like a week asked me "what's up?" today. A benign question that generally is just a greeting, and not a real inquiry. But I almost said 'I got propositioned for a threesome!" and then realized, maybe there are some things best kept to myself.... It's like I will tell anyone anything.

What do you think peeps, do I need to turn my internal censor up a notch?

I hope you all got your fill of Jens, b/c I'm switching it up again. Now for your listening pleasure I present Dance Music, by The Mountain Goats.

Oh yeah, and a little shoutout... my friend from high school, Curtis, just had her second book published- The Man of My Dreams. But bad friend that I am, I didn't even know it til my mom sent me a copy. Her first book, Prep, even made the NYT bestseller list, and comparisons to Salinger are being thrown around. Neat...

Later...
-J
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Permalink: wow.html
Words: 301
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: twilight zone

05/24/06 08:26 - 62ºF - ID#23860

The Surreal World

HO

LY

SHIT

!!!!!!!!!


Forgive me in advance for this overly long and self-indulgent post, but it's been a freaky day. And I have to just write it all out.

But I have to back up to last night.

So last night I went to [somewhere] to study. And oh my god there were so many cute boys there!! I was so distracted I got like NOTHING done. But so I kept looking at this one guy, and I sort of thought we were making eye contact, and then he was talking to this girl, and I never got up the nerve to say hello.

I also saw a guy I thought was my ex. There with a girl, and his back to me- I thought sort of hiding. I didn't want to go up and see if it was him, in case it wasn't, or worse in case it WAS and he was on a date. (later found out it was not.)

So when I got home, I thought "what the hell", and I got on craigslist. I used to read it religiously, but buffalo's CL is so lame and boring I gave up a few months ago. But so I got home, and I posted a "Missed Connections" message. ((e:twisted) you should be proud.) I posted (paraphrased):

[you were really cute, who are you? If you see this say hi]


Then work boy called me, and asked me to come over. at 11pm. and then fell asleep on the phone, while I was freaking out about my work meeting. Um, no.

So I went to bed.

Got all dolled up in the AM. Figured if I am going down in flames in this meeting, at least I'll look damn good. I wore a dress, and had straightened my hair (which I think may have thrown (e:mike) for a loop last night.) And I made sure to have kleenex in my pocket for the inevitable crying. I hate that about myself. So the first hurdle of the day was to survive conference without being humiliated. check! I did. But first thing work boy says is 'what happened to your hair?" What HAPPENED to it? Gee thanks fuckhead!

Then later I get a text from him "stop by clinic when you're out of the OR, I have to tell you something really important." Oh great. I'm starting to freak, because people are already starting to buzz about the fact that I've been Called In To The Office. I'm trying to keep it secret, but apparently everyone knows. Then I see Work Enemy #1 aka Big Stinky aka Shrek (see (e:jenks,136) ) and he says "how's it going... how are you.... things ok? I hear you have to repeat the year."

SAY WHAT?

Repeat the year?! this is news to me. Why the fuck would he know that before me?? So now I'm really freaking. Is that what work boy has to tell me in clinic?

so with dread in my stomach I walk to clinic. Don't want to see the boss... but first I see my chief, who says "Damn girl! You're HOT today!! Is that bad that I want you?" (he's married with 2.5 kids). Probably counts as sexual harassment, but I'll take it as a compliment. next see work boy- his big secret is that he actually DID get into plastics. Everyone is giving me weird looks, apparently they all know about The Meeting. Even the ex is emailing me to wish me luck and telling me I'll kick ass and not to worry.

So the time finally comes, and I go to The Meeting. And it's better/worse than I expected. [incriminating details/mean things about work peeps edited at the sage advice of (e:vincent) .] But so I did pretty well til the end, when for no good reason, I was crying. When I cry, I get horrible red blotch-face that lasts like an hour. And I couldn't go back into the OR looking like that, so I walked around outside for a bit. But I didn't escape unnoticed. The secretary paged me to ask if I was ok. The ex called to make sure I'm ok. Work Boy sent a message that said "btw even though you're stressed you look cute today." First NICE thing he's said to me, besides the half-joking/half-serious "wanna fuck" messages I get all the time. And then one of the chiefs calls to make sure I'm ok and tell me not to worry. It was a nice feeling to have everyone come out and support me. :)

OK, so that was fucking crazy thing number one of the day.

So now onto even crazier thing number 2...

So while waiting for The Meeting, I checked my email. Had a message that said 'this might sound crazy... but I was [there] last night..."

HOLY SHIT!

So I wrote back "well the guy I was looking at was xyz blah blah blah and was talking to this chick."

Then I got all wrapped up with The Meeting, and then my cases for the day.

So it was several hours before I checked my email again.
But I had a reply from the boy, who said, [paraphrased]:

Funny, I do remember seeing you. I felt a little bad for all the work you had in front of you. Looked like intense stuff. What are you studying?

The girl is actually a "friend" I see once in awhile. We are I guess what you call semi-attached, but are pretty open and fun if you want to hang out with us sometime, and are into things of that sort (blushing here).

TTYL



then like an hour later there was another message

So that is a no lol

I didn't mean to skeez you out or offend you. You were cute.



So I didn't have time to answer him. Not sure what to say. I'm not sure if that's an invite for a threesome or what, but it kind of sounds like it to me...

So later I'm finally trying to get ready to go home, and the ex texts, asking how the meeting went. then says

So I was bored at work today.... And we all know that leads to going through CL.... And I have a feeling I saw a message from you...



What the fuck... I haven't been on CL in ages. Hadn't talked to him in ages, until recently. So I put up a message, and he not only sees it, but KNOWS IT WAS ME?! It wasn't that weird/unique/unusual...

I was tempted to deny it, but if he's that uncanny, he'd know I was lying.

I'm still kind of weirded out.

I mean that's just TOO MUCH craziness for one day.

So now I'm going to go eat for the first time in 24 hours, and try to learn about gallstone ileus. Fun fun fun.

Phew!!
-J
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Permalink: The_Surreal_World.html
Words: 1161
Location: Buffalo, NY


05/24/06 01:00 - ID#23859 pmobl

[spam] the falls!

So i finally made it to the falls!
image
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Permalink: _spam_the_falls_.html
Words: 9
Location: Buffalo, NY


05/23/06 11:14 - 50ºF - ID#23858

more tidbits

I have a big scary meeting at work tomorrow. I think I'm in trouble. I'm dreading it. Kind of nauseated over it. blehhhhh.

So I went [somewhere] to try to study. Didn't get much done. But I saw (e:mike) , and spent a lot of time staring at the super mchottie there. Didn't get anywhere with that, surprise surprise, but ah well.

but i had lunch with (e:paul) and (e:enknot) , which was a good time. Nice break from work. :) Anytime, boys.

And check this out:
Nike is making some shoes that you put a little transmitter in... that sends signals to a little receiver you plug into your ipod nano, and it tracks your workout, plays custom workout music, etc. That's the kind of geek-tech I love... Almost enough to make me want to run. Almost. ;)

Ok, I have to go to bed so I can just be asleep and stop worrying about tomorrow. wish me luck!

g'night
-J
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Permalink: more_tidbits.html
Words: 170
Location: Buffalo, NY


05/22/06 09:44 - 47ºF - ID#23857

tidbits

Nothing really worthy of a whole post in itself, so here are some random bits...

First: Where are my manners!! I met Lee and Uncut like 2 weeks ago and forgot to mention it. It was a pleasure, kids. :)

Next: Work still sucks. Booooooo. I'm scared.

Work boy is now being weird. I told him he's not allowed to flirt with me and say he's "serious about dating", and then if I actually start to entertain the notion- totally blow me off. To which he responded with 'what did I do? You have nice mams. Wanna make out?' weirdness.

I got an email today from MINI about "The 2006 MINI TransAmerican Motortastic Road Trip to End All Road Trips Rally". I must say those guys have a good PR company. If nothing else, they planned out a good route for a cross country drive- there's info about hotels, restaurants, sites to see, etc, from coast to coast. I think I'll save it as a "things to do before I die" type of thing. Check it out. (you need to have any popup blocker stuff off for it to work.)

Looks like Barbaro survived surgery, but is not out of the woods. Who would have thought a broken ankle could be life threatening.

My frog is still very cute.

I'm sick of the cold.

I was amused to come home and find my landlord had the sprinkler on watering the garden. Hasn't it been raining for like 2 weeks?

I was about to say "yay! estrip doesn't crash safari any more!" but then it did. But, thanks to Paul's nifterooni auto-save, I didn't lose my post. :) (lucky for you! Wouldn't want to miss this awesome post!)

New user song- Black Cab by Jens Lekman

And speaking of music...
As I think I've said, my sister and her husband are much more hip than I am, and turn me on to new music months before I'd learn about it on my own (if ever). And when a self-proclaimed "music elitist" friend checked out my mp3 collection, everything he liked was stuff they sent me. Kate says "I'm not sure what he does at work. I'm pretty sure he's not paid to look up music online all day, but that's what he does." But i'm not complaining, since I benefit. And he just sent me a bunch of new stuff- I haven't even listened to it all yet. But some stuff to check out (and (e:Joshua) I may be wrong, but I think some of this stuff is right up your alley.)-
The Hold Steady- Separation Sunday (I like)
Jens Lekman (I like. hence new user sound)
The National- Alligator (very good!!)
Jose Gonzalez (an argentinian guy raised in sweden or something like that- haven't listened yet, but comes highly recommended)
Gnarls Barkley (haven't listened to that yet, but he (they?) are all over myspace lately. Chase says "some holes, but overall fun").
The Acid House Kings (who Chase calls "a more melodic belle and sebastian- admittedly not the most manly stuff, but good")
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Permalink: tidbits.html
Words: 515
Location: Buffalo, NY


05/20/06 07:47 - 56ºF - ID#23856

sports

third post in one day. oops.

but so I just watched the preakness. I really don't care about horse racing, but whatever. I totally forgot there was a hockey game, so I turned it on in time for like the last 30seconds, and then it went into the preakness. which was surprisingly exciting. Barbaro, the huge favorite, false started. Then broke his ankle and was out of the race. Kind of stole the thunder of the winner, b/c they kept breaking away from the celebration to check on him. It was sad. My mom said "oh my god I hope they don't shoot him right on the scene! or send him to the glue factory!" They even had an equine ambulance. I guess a broken ankle is at least career-ending, possibly life-threatening, for a horse. Poor guy... he's only 3.

But it made me think- what a weird sport. First of all, I don't understand odds AT ALL, apparently. I mean I understand 10-1 odds means if you bet a dollar and your horse wins, you win 10 dollars. But Barbaro was 3-5. What the fuck does that mean? you LOSE money? Can't be. At the end (right before the start) he was "even", whatever that means.

I also wonder who takes credit for winning. I mean the horse, but what does a horse do with a million dollars. The owner? Why does he deserve it? he's just some rich guy who put up some money. (the winning horse is owned by the sheikh (sp?) of dubai. wtf?) The jockey? The trainer? I guess the owner gets the money and splits it with the trainer and the jockey. They also said the trophy is the most valuable trophy in all of sports. It's huge and fancy.

I also wonder how the horses are chosen. They make it sound like the owners just decide to put them in, but I would imagine they have to win prelims and stuff.

But anyway, the funniest thing was... There's a horse named Brother Derek. (I have a friend here named Derek). They showed footage of him, with the commentary "Brother Derek getting some action". Then it got better. They showed his jockey (named Alex) waiting to get ready for the race, and they said "there's Alex... biding time before mounting Brother Derek". hehe. And even funnier- my friend Derek has a brother- named Alex. So, he is "Alex's Brother Derek".

ok, no more posts today. I promise!

-J
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Permalink: sports.html
Words: 413
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: photos

05/20/06 04:40 - 56ºF - ID#23855

huh?

Duh, how could I forget! I saw this on my way out of work this AM and had to take a pic. What the fuck is a saliva ejector? Correction, an ITALIAN saliva ejector??

image

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Permalink: huh_.html
Words: 37
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: blah

05/20/06 02:59 - 53ºF - ID#23854

insecurity.

Bleh.
I am totally full of self-doubt lately. Work is shitty, and I'm kind of scared about that. I'll save that lovely story for another time. Or never.

But my usual source of doubt is boys. Surprise surprise. I don't know what it is. On the one hand, I think I'm a catch and that any guy would be lucky to have me. But on the other hand, and this is probably based on crappy previous experiences, I usually can't get a guy's attention to save my life. It makes me feel totally invisible and unattractive (or fat). So this makes me totally insecure and I don't dare approach a guy. I just assume "he's way too cute to be interested in little old me." And that's a shitty feeling. I hate it. Or, as happened recently, I do manage to go on a date, have a great time, get the feeling he did too- and then he never calls. WTF.

But so there's a guy at work... He was just about the first person I met in Buffalo- he showed me around the hospital when I came to interview. He's always been cool to me. Sometimes sort of flirtatious, but in more of a friendly/coworker way. And, he was in a serious relationship (but not anymore). He calls me once in a while to go out, but usually I'm working or whatever. I've spent the night on his couch twice (and he spent the night in his bedroom). Then one time last summer after a particularly horrendous fight with the ex at thurs in the square, public crying, etc- he was there for me and told me I'm amazing and deserve better than [the ex], etc etc. So I think he's generally a good guy. (and my ex HATED him for that).

Then a few weeks ago he called me to go out, and amazingly enough I answered my phone and we chatted. He was going on about how badly he needs a girlfriend, blah blah. And later said "so... are we dating?" And since it was a ridiculous question I gave a ridiculous answer, and said "of course!".

ok you know what? this story is too long and stupid. sorry.

The bottom line is that he is flirting with me. He asked if I wanted him to come visit me at work one day. I said "for what?" and he said "whatever your luscious curves desire." Since people don't ever talk to me that way, my immediate response was "are you drunk?" and he said "no. you are a very sexy woman." And I just refused to believe him.

Yesterday was the Match for plastics. So thurs night he was nervous and wanted people to drink with him, so I did. And he said he was serious about dating. He was also drunk. And he somehow unhooked my bra in the middle of the bar. But he was also checking out every single girl that walked through the door. And then some little bimbo blondes he knew showed up, and all I could think was "that is the opposite of me, so if that's what you want... you don't want me." And I told him that.

But so now i'm wondering if I need to think about him in a different light. I just never thought about him in boyfriend terms at all. Didn't really cross my mind. Hmmmm. I wonder what will come of this.

But what prompted me to write is just the fact that a guy calls me "luscious" and my gut instinct is that he's drunk and/or making fun of me. And that is fucked up. And it bothers me. I wish I knew how to boost my self-confidence.

But here's one cheery thing: I got a very cute little teensy tiny dwarf frog for my fishtank. he's very cute. I just hope the other fish don't eat him.

-J

p.s. new user song. "Rhode Island is Famous for You" as done by Blossom Dearie. How could I resist?!
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Permalink: insecurity_.html
Words: 678
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: rant

05/17/06 03:59 - 60ºF - ID#23853

yup, more bitching.

So, I apologize for all the negativity lately... But with that said, I will continue. (somehow I don't get all worked up about good stuff, just stuff that pisses me off, lately.)

I wish there were more people around that liked their job and took pride in doing it well. I am sick of being around incompetent bitchy people. For example... I just went to get lunch. I stood at the register for a good minute before the cashier put down her word jumble book and, with a big sigh, dragged her ass over to the register. She rung me up, and said "2.59". I fished through my change, and said "here, I have 2.57". I got a blank stare. I said "the penny cup?". She said "I don't got no pennies." I said "well I left 4 down here this morning when I got coffee." Blank stare. So I broke a fucking $20 for 2 pennies. I hate pennies. They should be taken out of circulation.

Next, I hate Work Enemy #1. (as opposed to Work Crush(es) 1/2/3.) Also known as Shrek, or Big Stinky. This poor guy... I mean he's fucking ugly to start, but I guess that's not his fault. He also stinks. Also maybe not his fault (but he could try to do something about it). And I think he has some underlying anxiety disorder or something- he's always sweating and nervous. In any case, the guy is getting fired, and he is just losing his shit. All he does now is pace around, muttering, swearing, sweating, stinking, kicking things, chewing tobacco, and talking to himself/noone. It's gotten to the point that if we walk into a room and he's there, we just turn right around and walk out, no matter how badly we need to use the phone/computer/chair/toilet in that room. You have to, or you get trapped talking to him. I have had to just stand up and walk out on him mid-sentence lately. I cannot be a part of his meltdown. I mean I feel bad for the guy, but more than that I feel nauseated.

And finally- I am sick of crappy nurses. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate and respect nurses. At least, the good ones. I couldn't do what they do. It's the fat lazy union nurses that have been here 20 years, make 6 figures and work 3 days a week, and don't want to do any real work that bug me. One time I guess some doc wrote an order in a chart that said "please check CBC stat, and page xxxx with results. Thank you." And I saw the nurse taking the order of the chart, and she actually laughed and said "yeah right. Like i'm going to page the resident. he can check it his own damn self." One of my co-residents almost got fired last year because he got into it with a nurse. She was refusing to carry out what he ordered, and he lost his temper and said "listen! I fly the plane, you serve the drinks!!" Ooh boy he was written up so fast his head was spinning. But so what made me think of this... I was just kicked out of the cafeteria since it's Nurses' Week. The door was wide open, there was no "room reserved" sign, and only a few people around. so I sat down and was eating. People started trickling in. They set up all this soda and cookies. (and people were practically standing guard to make sure I didn't eat a cookie meant for a nurse.) Finally I was getting so many dirty looks, I left. Now, Nurses' Week is all fine and good. Nurses work hard, they deserve recognition, that's fine. But nurses' week practically shuts down the hospital. They have to do everything 3 times, so the day/evening/night shifts all get a share. And god forbid you try to get something done during an activity. "Doctors' Day" on the other hand... we got a coupon for a free slice of pizza, redeemable on one day, from 12-1, only.

Bleh. Sorry for the venting. (but I feel better now.)
Anyway... I hope I haven't offended anyone. I'm really not an anti-nursite.

Later.
-J
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Permalink: yup_more_bitching_.html
Words: 704
Location: Buffalo, NY


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paul said to ladycroft
Nice to "see" you. I let the CPR ads stay because at least it was something lol...

ladycroft said to joe
Sorry.....my finger went spastic. ...

ladycroft said to joe
Happy Birthday! I had my 30th with two of those peeps as well :) Remember the failed (but awesome)...

ladycroft said to joe
Happy Birthday! I had my 30th with two of those peeps as well :) Remember the failed (but awesome)...