Bleh.
I am totally full of self-doubt lately. Work is shitty, and I'm kind of scared about that. I'll save that lovely story for another time. Or never.

But my usual source of doubt is boys. Surprise surprise. I don't know what it is. On the one hand, I think I'm a catch and that any guy would be lucky to have me. But on the other hand, and this is probably based on crappy previous experiences, I usually can't get a guy's attention to save my life. It makes me feel totally invisible and unattractive (or fat). So this makes me totally insecure and I don't dare approach a guy. I just assume "he's way too cute to be interested in little old me." And that's a shitty feeling. I hate it. Or, as happened recently, I do manage to go on a date, have a great time, get the feeling he did too- and then he never calls. WTF.

But so there's a guy at work... He was just about the first person I met in Buffalo- he showed me around the hospital when I came to interview. He's always been cool to me. Sometimes sort of flirtatious, but in more of a friendly/coworker way. And, he was in a serious relationship (but not anymore). He calls me once in a while to go out, but usually I'm working or whatever. I've spent the night on his couch twice (and he spent the night in his bedroom). Then one time last summer after a particularly horrendous fight with the ex at thurs in the square, public crying, etc- he was there for me and told me I'm amazing and deserve better than [the ex], etc etc. So I think he's generally a good guy. (and my ex HATED him for that).

Then a few weeks ago he called me to go out, and amazingly enough I answered my phone and we chatted. He was going on about how badly he needs a girlfriend, blah blah. And later said "so... are we dating?" And since it was a ridiculous question I gave a ridiculous answer, and said "of course!".

ok you know what? this story is too long and stupid. sorry.

The bottom line is that he is flirting with me. He asked if I wanted him to come visit me at work one day. I said "for what?" and he said "whatever your luscious curves desire." Since people don't ever talk to me that way, my immediate response was "are you drunk?" and he said "no. you are a very sexy woman." And I just refused to believe him.

Yesterday was the Match for plastics. So thurs night he was nervous and wanted people to drink with him, so I did. And he said he was serious about dating. He was also drunk. And he somehow unhooked my bra in the middle of the bar. But he was also checking out every single girl that walked through the door. And then some little bimbo blondes he knew showed up, and all I could think was "that is the opposite of me, so if that's what you want... you don't want me." And I told him that.

But so now i'm wondering if I need to think about him in a different light. I just never thought about him in boyfriend terms at all. Didn't really cross my mind. Hmmmm. I wonder what will come of this.

But what prompted me to write is just the fact that a guy calls me "luscious" and my gut instinct is that he's drunk and/or making fun of me. And that is fucked up. And it bothers me. I wish I knew how to boost my self-confidence.

But here's one cheery thing: I got a very cute little teensy tiny dwarf frog for my fishtank. he's very cute. I just hope the other fish don't eat him.

-J

p.s. new user song. "Rhode Island is Famous for You" as done by Blossom Dearie. How could I resist?!