Your story about your "Queer Theory" professor hasn't gone unnoticed.

Left wing bias is already bad enough, but what really gets me mad is the suppresion of discussion that goes on, as well as examples like yours where someone is verbally attacked for no good reason. I was shocked when I read it. Let's put it this way - you handled it much better than I would have. I would have had a very hard time suppressing my anger. That professor would have paid a cost for saying something like that to me. I think you reacted so well, so kudos to you. I give you a virtual pat in the back.

I'm sure you and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. I don't see eye to eye with almost everyone here on certain subjects. I doubt you had any kind of bad intentions when deciding to take the class. People sign up for classes because they are interested in learning about the subject matter. I think you never deserved to be treated like you were. Don't let some moron professor make you have second thoughts about your talent and intelligence. Don't let one person's hatred and intolerance influence you that way. I hope you take this as a lesson in how to deal with people like that (left wing, right wing, whatever), and move on. You were admitted to graduate school because you are qualified to handle it! You know this! Forget about that fool and keep on working hard toward your goals. You have to believe in yourself, or else nobody will.

Jason

After (e:southernyankee) asking, and after (e:soyeon) asking, and after reading my own personal poem, I decided to try and see if I could post. With this new account I can, so I will. This new account works great so far. Paul, feel free to delete my other attempts to sign up, (e:BoredRepub) and (e:NeoconFury)

I see that the hate has simmered down a little, and I'm glad. Unless you are a Niman disciple and believe the sky is falling. I bet (e:ajay) misses having a right-leaning person to needle. I miss this site. It is such a good thing. I like reading about what you all have to say. I am truly interested.

I met yet another e-strip person recently. I met the lovely and intelligent (e:soyeon) for coffee. She used her feminine powers to get out of a parking ticket ("PLEASE! PLEASE!"), as I watched in stunned silence. It was so nice to meet another person from the site. She has been giving me very good advice in the last couple of weeks.

I'll give you all an update - I "broke up" with the girl I was seeing. I should have done this a long time ago, but I hesitated to do so because I knew she would be crushed. This was a mistake. She was crushed anyway. I do feel really bad, and I don't have anything "bad" to say about her, but I wasn't feeling it that way. I couldn't trust her. How can you be with someone you don't trust? It just doesn't work out. So now I'm having dreams about another girl - someone I don't recognize, other than her vague resemblance to Carin. I love Carin unconditionally. I don't know if I'll ever get a shot. She is so positive and so happy all the time, no matter what the situation is. I am just me, and she has a million guys waiting in line. I have to win the mega millions or do something else to differentiate myself from the riff raff. Enough of this mushy garbage. It's not manly of me to talk like this. And we already know that thinking like this inevitably results in FAILURE. I don't like to fail.

I overheard someone at Spot today talk about how sweet William S. Burroughs' Naked Lunch was. I have a copy of that book. Apparently this person never knew the guy was hopped up on drugs while writing it, and never remembered writing most of it. I'll be up front and say I'm not a big fan of fiction books. I don't have the patience to wait for the story to develop. I like non-fiction and poetry. That being said - I'll be blunt and say that I think Naked Lunch is a heaping pile of crap. If there are people who think that someone can go through a Trainspotting-esque binge and come up with something remotely close to "genius", I would like to invite them over to watch me smoke a bowl and come up with my haiku and political cartoons. Of course I believe there is room for all opinions, so I accept their notion as it is, but I have to vehemently disagree.

Hmm. I guess that's all for now. Dad's coming up here in an hour and I get to hit some golf balls with him. Everyone should have something they can do to relax and recharge. Golf is my thing.

Jason

I am writing this on your journal to show you it works here. I have no idea what is wrong. My suggestions are delete your cookies and cache. If that doesn't work not send me an email with the system you are using, browser info, etc. But I am having no problem logging in as you here.

--Paul

They don't like me. A guy with an extensive criminal record is preferable to a Republican around these parts. I see that scenario played out all the damn time. You see a Liberal friend of mine told me one day that if I want Liberal girls, I gotta have some drugs. He said "If you buy the plant they will come" but I still don't see Liberal girls in my apartment! Maybe I can be an obnoxious, self righteous asshole to the police and get my ass beat. Perhaps that will provoke them to hit me off with some sympathy nookie. I don't know. If you guys have any further pointers I would really love it because finding a nice conservative girl in this hood is like finding soap on a hippie.

Jason

Good to be back to work....*barf*

Plus I had to break it to the girl I hooked up with that I just can't be her man. I mean when you really think about it do you want to be with someone who you know is capable of lying to you or cheating on you? Not me. I told her I was sorry, that I could not be her man because of X, Y, and Z reasons......and it was like she never even heard me. She said "Oh we'll talk about it later"...."I'll give you until tomorrow"....so on and so forth. Guys you know the game. I'm thinking to myself, "No dammit I don't need to talk about it any more, I don't need any more time or to think about it any more." but of course couldn't bring myself to be mean to her as we both already felt crappy enough. For a few days I felt so bad about what happened and how it had all gone down. Actually part of me still feels bad. My brother assures me that I made the right decision.

One other thing that bothers me about the situation. My friends said to me "Hey man you can do a lot better than her looks wise" and other things of that nature. I've dated some very lovely girls before and you know what I got out of it? Emotionally destroyed, blood sucked out of me, left to wonder whether it was worth dating at all. Guys don't admit this crap much but it happens to all of us at some point. Of course I want someone I'm attracted to, but I'll take the 7 who gives a shit about me before the 10 who only cares about how much cash she can extract. Hot girls who know they are good looking and descend into uber-bitchdom are a dime a dozen. They are all over the place. Maybe there are things that are just as important if not more important than that, at least for me. Like being faithful. Being compassionate. Being there for your man. Stuff like that. Being hot is only one part of the equation.

Besides that, I don't know, I'm not all that excited about what's going on right now. Maybe it's Post Bills Loss Syndrome. I wish I were still on vacation. I need to be alone and to meditate or something. I don't know.

Jason

I feel so fucking low. I woke up and saw 10 empty beer bottles and an empty pack of cigs. I'll just have to explain later.

Jason

Yes I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. I'm not on the strip right now (at home visiting Gramama), but yesterday when I left it was like Mother Nature was having PMS or something. Good God. I had to take a photo of it with my sidekick and e-mail it to my friends in Florida. By the way, (e:paul) I have not posted from my sidekick yet but I did surf around the site yesterday on it. It is so amazing. I can't begin to explain how happy I am with it so far. I'll be posting pics of my beautiful mug and various other things soon enough.

Anyway I do have more to say but it is time for our family Christmas Day meal. I am going to make a trip back to Elmwood tonight briefly and if anyone wants to say hello I'll be on my sidekick on AIM (Danq750).

Jason

Like (e:anna) I am freezing. I woke up the other day thinking WTF is up with Mother Nature being on her period? Bee-hotch. So now I have to go get the plastic and try to cut it into the proper shape for the custom windows here. It's like I got the AC running up in this.

(e:soyeon) - I hope you are having fun in Korea!

Oh yeah I got my Sidekick 2 today from the mailman so I am really excited. Time to build the Elmwood hot chick photo collection! Just joking!

Damn I am on vacation yet I have shit to do. I'll write back later.

Jason

Free Express Overnight Delivery!

I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, each telling me to do very different things right now. I've already made my poor judgments and bad decisions in this situation. I let my need for sex and affection get the better of me. You see ever since mother left us when I was a baby I think I've had some kind of extra desire to be loved and cared for. I've been so fucking lonely for some time now and combined with horniness it made me do things that are really beyond what I thought I was capable of.

One thing is for certain - I feel guilty. No....I certainly AM guilty, and so are you. And so you should feel guilty as well. When you were over the other night I said I didn't feel badly at all for your boyfriend, not even a little. I meant it at the time, but when I woke up today I was overcome with sadness and self-loathing. We should have drawn a line and not crossed it. You know that I've been on the other side before. You know how much being cheated on affected me, how it hurt me, how it destroyed my self esteem. Now I'm the one who helped you cheat. Now I'm the other man. I guess if it wasn't me it would be some other fool, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

When you left the other night I saw your away message said "Watching a movie here at home" when in reality you were at my house, getting very familiar with me until 5 AM. I realized I was part of a deception. I kinow you said that he treats you like crap, and that you always argue, but that's only one side of the story! And even if all of it were true, it doesn't justify what we are doing. Nothing justifies the lying, the cheating, the deception....regardless if you pity him or feel bad because it's the holiday season....we should never have done this to the guy. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Let me ask you a question - you've been cheated on, right? So why would you be okay with inflicting that on someone? Oh, and you didn't know this, but I am very aware you have been on Match.com. Why would an attached person be looking for dates? If you really felt pity, if you really felt compassion you would just break up with the guy.

Although I've already made my mistakes and poor decisions, I can't do it any longer. I'm disgusted with myself. The devil on my shoulder says to just enjoy the sex, because I can always just dump you whenever I want. The angel on the other side says to leave you alone and let the situation work itself out between the two of you. When another person is introduced it becomes unacceptable, no matter what. I look and the mirror and want to throw up because I hate what I've been doing.I can't live my life like this. I'm not being the guy Gramma would be proud of. And anyway what would make me think that you would be any more loyal to me than you were to him? I can't be guaranteed, and I would never give my heart to someone who I don't trust with it.

So we have to stop today, take a few steps back and not see each other for a while. The circumstances aren't right. If you were just single and looking it would be different. Maybe someday in the future it can be different, maybe not. I don't know. I have to try and work through my guilt and self-loathing on my own. I'm sorry if you're disappointed. I'm disappointed too. We all want to be loved and to be happy, but this is not the way to get there. I hope you can learn to understand where I'm coming from someday.

Jason