Good to be back to work....*barf*

Plus I had to break it to the girl I hooked up with that I just can't be her man. I mean when you really think about it do you want to be with someone who you know is capable of lying to you or cheating on you? Not me. I told her I was sorry, that I could not be her man because of X, Y, and Z reasons......and it was like she never even heard me. She said "Oh we'll talk about it later"...."I'll give you until tomorrow"....so on and so forth. Guys you know the game. I'm thinking to myself, "No dammit I don't need to talk about it any more, I don't need any more time or to think about it any more." but of course couldn't bring myself to be mean to her as we both already felt crappy enough. For a few days I felt so bad about what happened and how it had all gone down. Actually part of me still feels bad. My brother assures me that I made the right decision.

One other thing that bothers me about the situation. My friends said to me "Hey man you can do a lot better than her looks wise" and other things of that nature. I've dated some very lovely girls before and you know what I got out of it? Emotionally destroyed, blood sucked out of me, left to wonder whether it was worth dating at all. Guys don't admit this crap much but it happens to all of us at some point. Of course I want someone I'm attracted to, but I'll take the 7 who gives a shit about me before the 10 who only cares about how much cash she can extract. Hot girls who know they are good looking and descend into uber-bitchdom are a dime a dozen. They are all over the place. Maybe there are things that are just as important if not more important than that, at least for me. Like being faithful. Being compassionate. Being there for your man. Stuff like that. Being hot is only one part of the equation.

Besides that, I don't know, I'm not all that excited about what's going on right now. Maybe it's Post Bills Loss Syndrome. I wish I were still on vacation. I need to be alone and to meditate or something. I don't know.

Jason

I feel so fucking low. I woke up and saw 10 empty beer bottles and an empty pack of cigs. I'll just have to explain later.

Jason

Yes I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. I'm not on the strip right now (at home visiting Gramama), but yesterday when I left it was like Mother Nature was having PMS or something. Good God. I had to take a photo of it with my sidekick and e-mail it to my friends in Florida. By the way, (e:paul) I have not posted from my sidekick yet but I did surf around the site yesterday on it. It is so amazing. I can't begin to explain how happy I am with it so far. I'll be posting pics of my beautiful mug and various other things soon enough.

Anyway I do have more to say but it is time for our family Christmas Day meal. I am going to make a trip back to Elmwood tonight briefly and if anyone wants to say hello I'll be on my sidekick on AIM (Danq750).

Jason

Like (e:anna) I am freezing. I woke up the other day thinking WTF is up with Mother Nature being on her period? Bee-hotch. So now I have to go get the plastic and try to cut it into the proper shape for the custom windows here. It's like I got the AC running up in this.

(e:soyeon) - I hope you are having fun in Korea!

Oh yeah I got my Sidekick 2 today from the mailman so I am really excited. Time to build the Elmwood hot chick photo collection! Just joking!

Damn I am on vacation yet I have shit to do. I'll write back later.

Jason

Free Express Overnight Delivery!

I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, each telling me to do very different things right now. I've already made my poor judgments and bad decisions in this situation. I let my need for sex and affection get the better of me. You see ever since mother left us when I was a baby I think I've had some kind of extra desire to be loved and cared for. I've been so fucking lonely for some time now and combined with horniness it made me do things that are really beyond what I thought I was capable of.

One thing is for certain - I feel guilty. No....I certainly AM guilty, and so are you. And so you should feel guilty as well. When you were over the other night I said I didn't feel badly at all for your boyfriend, not even a little. I meant it at the time, but when I woke up today I was overcome with sadness and self-loathing. We should have drawn a line and not crossed it. You know that I've been on the other side before. You know how much being cheated on affected me, how it hurt me, how it destroyed my self esteem. Now I'm the one who helped you cheat. Now I'm the other man. I guess if it wasn't me it would be some other fool, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

When you left the other night I saw your away message said "Watching a movie here at home" when in reality you were at my house, getting very familiar with me until 5 AM. I realized I was part of a deception. I kinow you said that he treats you like crap, and that you always argue, but that's only one side of the story! And even if all of it were true, it doesn't justify what we are doing. Nothing justifies the lying, the cheating, the deception....regardless if you pity him or feel bad because it's the holiday season....we should never have done this to the guy. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Let me ask you a question - you've been cheated on, right? So why would you be okay with inflicting that on someone? Oh, and you didn't know this, but I am very aware you have been on Match.com. Why would an attached person be looking for dates? If you really felt pity, if you really felt compassion you would just break up with the guy.

Although I've already made my mistakes and poor decisions, I can't do it any longer. I'm disgusted with myself. The devil on my shoulder says to just enjoy the sex, because I can always just dump you whenever I want. The angel on the other side says to leave you alone and let the situation work itself out between the two of you. When another person is introduced it becomes unacceptable, no matter what. I look and the mirror and want to throw up because I hate what I've been doing.I can't live my life like this. I'm not being the guy Gramma would be proud of. And anyway what would make me think that you would be any more loyal to me than you were to him? I can't be guaranteed, and I would never give my heart to someone who I don't trust with it.

So we have to stop today, take a few steps back and not see each other for a while. The circumstances aren't right. If you were just single and looking it would be different. Maybe someday in the future it can be different, maybe not. I don't know. I have to try and work through my guilt and self-loathing on my own. I'm sorry if you're disappointed. I'm disappointed too. We all want to be loved and to be happy, but this is not the way to get there. I hope you can learn to understand where I'm coming from someday.

Jason

Paul's cryptic message was simply a quotation mark. Reference Ajay's chr(34) problem in his post title from earlier.

Jason (Takes a Nerd to Know One? Heh! Sorry to spill the beans!)

Yeah, I think I may go with a Sidekick 2. I'm getting really excited about it which means that I'll get trigger happy and buy it today. Must...wait....

Damn, Paul, have you not already considered consulting a lawyer to see what legal recourse you have? Reading about your landlord situation makes ME pissed. That guy is a snake in the grass for sure. Good luck to you guys in getting that stuff settled.

Jason

Check it out!



Jason