Hey there pal - I've been there before. I'm sure all of us have at least one time in our lives. I know what you're going through, and I'll offer my latest experience with it. You say you have nobody and that nobody cares. That's not true, I care. I'll do my best to articulate it, and I hope you will be able to take something from it. I don't know your situation, hell they may not even be close but the pain you feel is the constant. I want to help you. I'll give you the cliffs notes version.

In 2002 I thought I had the perfect girlfriend. I had never cared for someone so much outside of my family, or loved someone as dearly. I would have gladly and eagerly given my life for her if the situation ever came up. It was a long distance deal, her in Philly and me here in Buffalo. In 2002 I lost my job and my grandfather. It was a hard time, but she was there for me. Over time as I struggled to find another programming job she grew more and more distant. Not only that but she began to say some of the meanest shit I ever heard out of anyone's mouth. She apologized to me time and again, and things seemed to get better. This was cyclical. I remained patient with her and thought that as soon as I found another job things would work out.

So one week I visited her, and she said that she wanted to be married to me, and that she wanted to have my children. Heavy stuff, but I was really excited about it because I felt the same way. She was here to come with me to a wedding, and it was an awesome weekend. I thought for sure that things were going to be just fine. The next weekend I was to fly out to Philly to attend one of her friends' weddings. The wedding was great, the couple looked as happy and thrilled as I've ever seen anyone look. Not only that but my girlfriend looked absolutely striking. I remember her looking so damn beautiful. I was not her only admirer.

At the reception some guy noticed her running out of the hall with the guy she walked the aisle with. He was like, hey Jason there is something that's just not right about that. So we ran outside, and as I walked down the street with him I noticed this guy and my girlfriend around the corner, him with his tongue down her throat and hand up her dress. The guy with me said, Jason you don't want to go to jail. I was enraged enough to cripple both of them for life. I thought my life was destroyed, and everything I had worked for and cared about was gone. I decided to leave and told her to save her breath - I was going home. I called her father, who came to get me, I explained the entire thing to him. He said he didn't raise her like that, and that I would have been a good son. He brought me to the airport, I got on a jet and spent every dollar left on liquor. I arrived in Buffalo a drunken, broken man. I didn't cry that much even when my grandfather passed away. It turns out this was a pattern, and that she had been screwing around on me for months. At the beach, in Europe, you name it she had cheated on me there. Hehe. I was oblivious to all of it.

So you want to know how to get over the pain? You want to be able to get over it and move on with your life as quickly as possible? Here is the advice I can offer up:

1) Forgive her for anything wrong she's done to you. She's human, and will never be perfect. The sooner you can let go the things she's done wrong to you, the sooner you will be able to be happy and move on.

2) You yourself are also not perfect. I can think of many things I did to piss off my ex. I was not perfect - maybe didn't deserve what I got but I knew that I could honestly claim there were things I did wrong to contribute to the downfall of the relationship. If you can find it within yourself to admit this, I really believe you will be able to find peace faster. That's the way it worked with me.

3) What gives you joy? What do you love doing
? Do those things as much as you can, and surround yourself with the people who care
ab
out you. Don't be alone at home in misery. Go out there and do something that will take your mind off of it for a while. Go have fun.

4) I bet you can think of many instances where she did something magnificent for you. My ex came to Jamestown to go to my grandfather's funeral. It wasn't my choice, she said I didn't have a choice, she was coming. At the funeral when I finally lost it she RAN from the back of the crowd to the front to sit with me and console me. I could never forget that, nor how much I appreciated it (and still appreciate it). Think about the good times instead of the bad and you will understand she isn't 100% an awful person or someone who is only out to hurt you.

5) If your morals normally wouldn't allow for this - don't be stupid and go fuck everything in sight. It won't make you feel better about yourself or your situation. Don't use your experience as a way to hurt or mislead other people. Don't make someone else pay for the hurt someone else brought to you. Use it as a learning tool so you can be a wiser man and a better boyfriend to someone else in the future. You can turn a bad into a good by using it to become a better human being.

I really hope you can get something out of it, and that some of it will help you to recover as soon as possible. I know how alone and hurt you feel, and if you need to vent I am here. Just e-mail and I will do whatever I can, anytime, any place. Good luck to you buddy and I wish you only the best.

Jason

Well it looks like some of you people had a fun weekend. By the way those photos are great - the bride looks so lovely, and you guys manage to look very sharp dressed up. Looks like you all had a very nice time, and also a nice time afterwards according to (e:terry) :) Umm I have a very dumb question to ask but what kind of camera phone are you guys using? Do all of you use the same one? Does it come with some kind of USB adapter or something to transfer over the photos? The resolution on the photos look a lot better than the phone my friend has. If it's not too expensive I would consider getting something like that.

Well this weekend I patiently waited for e-peeps to come over, but nobody visited me. I am very sick right now, and it's getting worse. You're probably better off for it. Actually unless I was hallucinating or tired or whatever I might have heard someone last night yelling my name, or "fuck you", or something like that early/late in the night. Or maybe it was one of the roughly half a dozen really REALLY weird dreams I had. More on those another time - I have a very active imagination.

So anyway I watched lots of football this weekend. The Bills are breaking my heart week after week. Buffalo is a pretty fat city, right? We have a lot of big folks, right? You would think we could gather up 5 of our fattest people to play offensive line for us. We can't do much worse than what we're working with already. What a shame.

Jason

How very curious Paul. A republican filter. That's very funny, but what makes it even more funny is the way it symbolizes the attitudes you have toward people of a different mindset. Instead of being open minded, you want to sit at your computer, get pastier and pastier, and line up a bunch of very stupid questions for me to answer. Yes, you're right, that was a mistake.

Now I have gone way out of my way to be courteous. As it stands I still am the ONLY PERSON to have been subject to any kind of ill will. I promise you this - there will be a time when both you and your, um, rugged friend (e:matthew) will not have any choice when it comes to meeting me. I look forward very much to that. I am not running away from this site because a couple of folks are frothing-at-the-mouth fanatics. That's not an insult, that's a statement of fact. Trust me, hypothetically speaking if you really believe that all conservatives are evil homophobe racist hatemongers that need to be destroyed - you are being duped and you have been subject to the very same kind of brainwashing and sheepdom that is so popularly associated to conservatives, and you are not nearly as "independent" (which only means farther to the left than the mainstream), smart, or free thinking as you say you are. That's another statement of fact - objectivity and truth.

Now, speaking of the way you framed a possible meeting between me and (e:matthew) - I was here at 750 all damn night last night - waiting for someone to come over. Nobody did. Paul I have to believe that you are not programming shit on Friday night (although I've been there), and there is absolutely no reason why you should think there is no value in meeting me. You are not that misanthropic, and I have to believe that you are not so miserable. I'm not political all the time - only some of the time like everyone else. I'm waiting here right now. I seriously want to pick (e:matthew) 's brain. If he and his 130-pound-soaking-wet self actually took a swing at me...kind of silly to talk about, but that would be a grave mistake. If I were even slightly, microscopically, remotely concerned about him or anyone else here successfully attacking me that way I would not have put my face, my name, and my address on this site. I don't believe he has the balls to use the language he used before anyway, regardless of what you think, and anyway I think if I actually were able to talk to him I think it would be a very pleasant conversation as long as it didn't cross certain lines. That's up to him, and up to you if you're up to it someday Paul (although as I said I'm going nowhere and could show up at an e-peep event any time - you may not have a choice someday). My door is always open at 750.

Jason

.....sigh....again let me tell you guys that this is NOT a political discussion! I am NOT telling you that what they say is necessarily wrong or right. I am NOT telling you that any one particular viewpoint they have on any particular social or fiscal issue lead me to my conclusion. I don't know how I can possibly make it any clearer, and I'm sick of repeating myself. I'm not interested in debating political issues with you on this site. In person, over coffee or while listening to some good music, why not as long as you give me a chance. I have been thinking more lately about the media (ALL media) have failed us, and specifically I have found the alternatives to be some of the worst failures. That's what I wanted to talk about.

I also NEVER NOT ONE TIME incinuated that the fact they are progressive papers is the problem. You would not even let me completely finish Part 2 before coming to incorrect conclusions and assumptions. In fact, most of you are not even willing to hear me out. I have been nothing but respectful to everyone here. All I can ask is that I receive the same treatment. I am not being closed minded. I have said time and again that I am open to new ideas. I am one of the few people left (apparently) who believes that learning and progress do not stop at some finite point. All I wanted to do is begiin to explain why I think the alternatives are not to be taken seriously - and you all jumped on me like rabid wolves. If the discussion is to stop, and if it offends you all so much then I will happily leave you to your undisturbed, unquestioned view on the alternatives. Fine. But I will humor (e:ajay) and (e:matthew) with some responses:

(e:matthew) - Wow. Such hatred. For the record, regardless of what you think or what you've said I still see no reason to dislike you. I will answer the question you posed - What does "Republican" mean? I will give you a very honest and simple answer: It is the political party I am registered with. Nothing less, nothing more, and by the way I disagree that it is any different than saying "left" or "right" - I consider them to mean very much the same thing. Tomato, tomahto. Potato, potahto. I will say that I think that "left" and "right" could encompass a broader variety of viewpoints, but it was a grievous waste of your time and mine to discuss how they are different. If I say I am a registered Republican or a Democrat, you should automatically figure out how that translates.

There are some things, however that I will not let go. Take your ball and go home if you want to. Lob bombs, and then run away and hide. Very good. You would make the writers in the alternatives very proud. I find myself laughing right now because you say that you don't "really" know what I think, yet you find it well within your rights to sling a list of insults at me and claim that my ideas are unimportant and unbiased, and that I can keep my "poison" to myself. You sound like a very confused young man.

Furthermore, it takes a special kind of cowardice to do what you did in disrespecting me that way. I bet....no...I know for a fact that you would never have the balls to address me that way in person. It is very reminiscent of the idiots in high school who would call you names as they drove by you in their car. I mean...seriously Matthew....I do not dislike you, have no reason to, so on and so forth, but that was rather silly of you. I believe you have it in you to do a lot better than that. I think everyone does. If you don't want to talk to me then fine, but I have done nothing to you to earn that kind of disrespect. Keep that in mind.

(e:ajay) - Thank you for offering to lend me your ear. I think there is a bunch I can learn from you also, not just politically speaking. I feel the same way about SQB. I get the impression you two have a lot of very smart things to say. Unfortunately some fo
lks here have proven me right....
.w
ithout me even having to actually say a political word. I do not see a point in maintaining a blog, or to share my ideas and experiences with everyone on this site if I am going to only be met with hatred, hostility and rushed conclusions. That's not what I came here for. My AIM and e-mail is available here, and it would be nice to talk sometime. All I ever wanted to do was to hopefully make some new friends in the neighborhood, and also perhaps lend whatever help I can with my programming expertise in the event it was needed. I wanted to contribute. I wanted to be introduced to some new experiences through you guys (like the environmental cleanup ideas, never occured to me and I thought perhaps it was my moral obligation to try it). One post critical of the alternatives and people literally shit a solid brick. Also (e:paul) - my invitation still stands. I have a lot to talk to you about if you'll let me.

Signing Off-
Jason (artist formerly known as (e:jason))

Thanks for writing. I will answer your questions, although I am scratching my head when it comes to the tone. I promise to respect your point of view and your take on any subject we discuss on this site, even if the subject is Jason.

1. Essentially what I am getting out of this is, "If you don't like it, leave." How very cruel. I will help you to understand. I don't want to leave. I like it here. With the exception of frothing at the mouth fanaticism, I find Elmwood to be the best place to live in WNY by far. The best food, the best cultural activities, the parks, the beauty of the neighborhood - I could go on and on about how great it is. I tell ALL of my friends (at least those who reside in Buffalo) they should live here. Believe me, if I felt compelled to leave I would have already been gone. I've lived on Elmwood for 4 years now.

You state the obvious when you say that I will never change the political slant of the neighborhood. It was not necessary for you to tell me that. It is not my intention to change the political slant of the neighborhood, nor have I ever said a single syllable to that point. You've misunderstood my message entirely. When I first came here I said it was the HOSTILITY which was objectionable, plain and simple, not the Liberalism itself. Luckily there are a few of you who can tolerate Republicans on Elmwood, otherwise I would feel unwelcome enough to move away.

2. Look, Paul, I've gone out of my way to say multiple times now that it i's not the Liberal slant that I dislike about the alternatives. I can't make it any more clear than I already have. I said that they are not to be taken seriously. In fact, I haven't even had the chance to line up point-by-point my argument. That would be in Part 2 of my Alternative Shitrag series which remains unwritten.

It is also more than a little presumptuous to think that I want to only hear the conservative agenda. Notice how some of the lefties on this site line up some of the farthest of the far left media sources in the book under their links section (this is not a criticism so please don't take it as such). Susceptibility to brainwashing and myopia cannot be claimed as only conservative traits. I have no such list in my links section. You can come over to 750 any time you like (seriously) and I will show you what is in my book case. We can have a beer and talk about what media sources I check out regularly. You might be surprised by what I have to say, and by the questions I might ask you.

3. You know what...I have a lot more faith in our species than that. I am going to have to disagree with you on this point. I believe that the far right does not have all the answers. I believe that the far left does not have all the answers. Anyway more emphasis is placed on who is right and wrong, and who wants to keep/acquire power, than actually coming up with solutions we all have faith in. We have wasted an inexcusable amount of time. Decade after decade we have seen arrogance, greed and hunger for power stop us from becoming a more civil, educated, medically and technologically advanced society. You say it can't be done, but I believe (or at least hope) that one day it all can be done with the right focus, and with a properly framed dialogue.

4. You say this is your most important point. Unfortunately you've mistaken a blog discussing why I think the alternative rags should'nt be taken seriously with a political discussion. Sadly I didn't even get to finish it before A) the topic was changed into a media bias discussion (not a political discussion, again), and B) You impatiently decided that you've had enough of me. I said this before, and I will repeat it - I am not here to discuss political issues. I already know how I will be treated, on here and in the street if I voice my opinion on political issues. I already know that most people around here don't know the
first fucking thing about your average Republican, which is why
I
have heard "You're too cool to be Republican" from people who have given me a chance. I only wanted to voice my opinion on how I think the alternative rags are failing you. I will save that opinion as well.

Jason

(e:matthew) - I sense a bit of a condescending dismissal on your part in regard to the problems I have with some of our local bird cage liners. I promise you this - I'm no idiot, despite what 99% of the people in our friendly neighborhood might say about people with different philosophical viewpoints. If you wish to discuss the general media bias question I am more than happy to participate - even when I know that there are dozens of people here waiting to nickel-and-dime me, cherry pick things and get away from the real discussion. I didn't get to finish my post (I was in a rush so I decided to split it into parts), so I can understand that the lack of completion meant that the main thrust of it wouldn't be effectively communicated.

Let me then be VERY clear - I never incinuated that these messages shouldn't be out there for people to absorb. Although I disagree with the, um, "authors" (most of the time anyway) I agree with (e:rachel) that it would be beneficial to everyone if all viewpoints were more readily available. I would also like for the "media watch" people to be far less transparently disingenuous in their work. Of course this is asking too much, so I can only hope for us to be able to take baby steps.

Anyway - I have a LOT of stuff to do at work lately, which is why Part 2 hasn't been posted yet. I am not finished expressing my gripe with the local alternatives, and I would like to finish that before we decide to divert the discussion in any other direction. I guess it will have to wait until this weekend sometime because I have already wasted too much time here wriiting this interlude. I didn't want you guys to think I was ignoring you. :)

The local alternative shitrags are becoming more similar and more difficult to take seriously. To be honest, I wish they would focus more on the subjects in which they have any kind of competency - like (gasp!) art, music, theatre, food, local happenings and the like. I am not someone whose mind is closed to new ideas. I think we need a lot of fresh ideas and fresh blood in American politics. Watching this presidential campaign has been revolting. However, people who so consistently weave their flimsy emotional bias into their writing cannot expect the fair minded among us to receive their message. What is their responsibility? Is it to dutifully echo the extremist liberal agenda to the believers, cleverly labeled as "truth" while at the same time crucifying anyone who doesn't share 100% of their glassy-eyed view of the world? Is it to try and convert the unbelievers? Is it to justify their own jobs? It is a shame that otherwise decent publications I used to enjoy reading have become nothing more than "journalistic" bullhorns for the radical liberal cause. They have every right to say what they say, of course I know that. But in using such language, they choose to alienate and condemn anyone who doesn't subscribe to such a fringe political ideology. But of course they are wildly popular because everyone in our neighborhood with the exception of me, my brother, Jessbob and one of the guys from Lazlo Hollyfeld is a lib. Perhaps they see no value in honest political discourse, or in working together to find real solutions to our problems. Perhaps they wish to infiltrate our minds and make us conform into one collective consciousness a la the Borg. I for one don't care for it. Put some logical, coherent, sane thought into it and I'm willing to give it a chance. My ears are open.

More thoughts on this later - work is over and I'm gonna puff a doob before the Bela Fleck show. Look for the guy that vaguely resembles the photo if you are going.

Jason

Well I just found out my best friend's girlfriend dumped him out of the blue. That guy is beside himself with grief right now. He actually really liked her and was happy being with her. I actually feel sick about it....poor bastard. This also means that she probably won't be trying to hook me up with her sister any more. I guess I don't care about that anyway.

You know what makes me even more sick to my stomach? I have been too busy/tired/selfish to pick up the phone the last few days. He needed someone to talk to - he needed help - he needed me to talk him up. Of course if I had seen this situation coming I wouldn't have left the phone alone. Bottom line, I failed him, I flat out failed him. This is not like me, and not like the guy I want to become. This burns me. I am seeing red right now. I wasn't there for my best friend when he needed me the most. What a horrible piece of shit friend I have been to him this week.

My man, if you can read this - I am truly sorry. This is not how a friend treats a friend. I try very hard to be the best guy I can be, but I fell very short this time. I am imperfect. I will put my face on the net and say it where dozens and dozens of people can read it - I have been a Grade A fuckup. I will do whatever I have to do, sacrifice whatever I have to in order to make this right. Hopefully you can forgive me - I know I would be super fucking pissed right now if I were you. You will be cool - girls come and go, and you have had some great ones. I would give years off of my life to be able to have some of the experiences you've had. I envy you. I can't say that some chick won't do the same thing someday, but I can say this - I won't fail you again.

(e:lisa) - I didn't know you wrote about my situation. I would have responded if I had read your entry. It's not like I'm dirt ass poor or anything, I am a college grad and hold down a decent job. It's just that I don't have enough. Hell, I can exit my apartment, walk by Kuni's or Brodo and see dozens of similar chicks every day of the week. She is not the bitchy type though - very pleasant to be around like I said before. You know what, you're right, if I can't afford her then I don't want her. Maybe I should find out for sure. I've gotta call her sometime anyway. I'm overthinking it probably, stupid brain.

By the way, I would give an honest take on your hair color but you've got a skully on. Also how did gumby get stuck in your nose? Do you teach young kids? Hehe

(e:sqb) and (e:hodown) - there is a problem in the situation. I found out she has a man already. Anyway maybe it's just stupid to think that anything would happen. She has em lined up already. The thing is that I do feel bad that I haven't called - I don't want her to think I'm an asshole but at the same time I know I can't be her friend because I dig her - last year I learned a lesson when someone asked me why I was so distant from them - I confessed to her that I couldn't be friends with someone that I wanted to be with so badly. So I lost a friend - don't want that to happen again either. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this crap. I'm a guy. Maybe my horniness is clouding my thinking. I'll probably call the girl anyway and hope she doesn't answer, so that way I'm not an asshole and at the same time I don't have to actually follow through with hanging out with her. I hope that doesn't sound bad but it's the truth.