(sorry- this ended up much longer than I had planned...)

Well first, Happy 4th everyone! As Carey said- I hope SOMEwhere saved some fireworks for tonight! Mom has a pretty awesome feast planned, for just the three of us- I must admit I'm pretty psyched.

Feels good to be home. Get some quality time with the slobber-monster pups... God I love them. They're still always so happy to see me and eager to please. :) And this is stupid, but I still just love this house. My mom has such a good eye and nice taste... It looks like it came straight out of a magazine. I wish I could do half of what she does. Hope to get to the beach at some point, but it's foggy right now.

I don't think I've ever gone into this story, but about a year ago on a saturday night, my home phone rang around 11:30pm; which always makes me a little nervous, because no one calls that phone. Caller ID shows it's my parents... and it's my Mom. My Dad's sister Nancy had just been killed in a car accident. Some kid, NOT drunk, surprisingly enough, had been going something like 110 as she was turning left out of a housing development onto the main road in her little convertible Rabbit. From what we hear, she died more or less instantly. (although I immediately found myself in trauma-doc mode, asking about her blood pressure and her injuries etc- then realized that even though my dad is a doctor, maybe he doesn't want to talk about whether or not his big sister's aorta was ruptured, vs. her neck broken.)

So that's all very sad and tragic. And I couldn't get off work to go the funeral, which I think is kind of shitty. But the thing is, we just weren't that close to her. We never saw her, and only talked to her on holidays and stuff, when mom would have to remind dad to call all his sisters. Not that they don't get along, but they just all live far apart and have different lives.

Jenny, on the other hand, is my cousin in Chicago- Nancy's daughter. And during my year in Chicago, I got pretty close to her and her family- and I just adore them. And Jenny, obviously, was a little closer to her mother than I was. So she took on the task of managing the estate, dealing with the lawyers, insurance settlements, the trial, all that. So I'm sure it consumed her daily, but the rest of us managed to put it out of our minds and carry on our little lives.

When I saw Jenny in Chicago in May, we talked about it a little bit... it was sad, and touching, to hear her talk about her mom. And I heard a lot of the trial stuff that just astounded me. I hate our legal system sometimes... They tried to claim that he wasn't guilty. When OBVIOUSLY he was. I mean, he was driving a car, recklessly, and killed another person. (he and his passenger were fine, btw.) How can he not be guilty? Well first they tried to say she was depressed and it was suicide. When that didn't work, they said "well yes, we admit she died on the road that night... but you can't prove it was from the accident." Huh? They tried to say she had a fatal heart attack right at that second. Good one, huh?!

But so then apparently they'd had some bad luck with the legal side of things- there was a last-minute change of judge (or something like that)- and the new guy was reputed to be very lenient. The kid finally pleaded guilty. Which means no trial. Which I guess is good. So all that was left was the sentencing. And they told Jenny she didn't have to go. And she said "are you kidding me? That is the only time this kid is going to have to stand up and admit that he killed my mother. You bet your sweet ass I'm going to be there." But they were worried about the sentencing... I guess he could have gotten up to 10 or 20 years or something like that, but at the other end, the lowest possible sentence was ONE DAY in jail. And with the new judge... So Jenny and everyone was steeling for the worst. That he was going to do a day in jail, and walk. So she had decided that she needed to punish him with her words- get up in that courtroom and pull heartstrings and just make him feel like shit- something that will haunt him the rest of his life. I heard some of what she was planning to say- and it wasn't mean or nasty- just heartwrenching. "she was a good nurse and a great friend (etc etc etc) but she was my only mother, and you took that from me" etc.

Sorry, this is getting way too long...

But so the sentencing was last week, and I guess as it got closer they were more realistically thinking he'd get 6 mos in a county holding cell or whatever it's called. And dad told me last night that he got 10 years in a state pen. I guess 8 are eligible for parole, but he will serve at least two.

So... I guess that's good.

But at the same time, I have to say I feel a little bit bad for the guy. His life is never going to be the same. He didn't set out to kill anyone. He's just a stupid young white trash kid showboating around in his POS car....

Well anyway, the good news is, it's all over. I haven't talked to Jenny, but I think she's probably happy with the outcome. And now we can all just put it behind us and move on and let her rest in peace.

Now i'm going to go sit on the front deck, in my pajamas, with a cup of coffee and two dogs snoring at my feet... and get a little studying done, on the anniversary of the birth of our nation. :)

Cheers peeps!
-J

Jesus...

So I just talked to my mom...

But first you need some background. My sister, K, is married to C. C's sister, D, is married to T. T is a cop. They've been married about 14mo.

So my mom just said 'oh!! Did you hear about D and T??'

Apparently D just got a call from some girl, who claimed she'd been sleeping with T right up until that day. D confronted him- he confessed. Says he's a sex addict and apparently has been sleeping with a bunch of the hookers he busts. (he's in the prostitution division or something.)

How terrible.... I can't imagine how she feels right now. First thing she did was go to the doctor and get tested. Then to a therapist. Then to her parents'. Then to the divorce attorney.

And I've met the guy... he seemed great...

Scary. Just when you think you know someone...

(now back to my regularly scheduled daydreaming...)

Ok, I need to be nicer I've decided. I can be too quick to judge, and I bet I'm missing out on a lot of things/people because I don't give them a chance. I am so quick to find one little thing I don't like, and then just eliminate them altogether.

For example... I've known this one girl for a while. Friend of a friend, works in the hospital. She's blonde and gorgeous, so I'm sure in part I'm just being a stupid, jealous, girl... but I just sort of wrote her off as a ditz. I just figure she's the opposite of me. Why? Because she takes time to look nice? That's a stupid reason not to like someone...

Well it turns out she is maybe the nicest, sweetest person in the world. She called me yesterday and said "i know you're working, but I remember you said you haven't been outside of downtown buffalo too much, so I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner by the river tomorrow..." so she picked me up and we went to mississippi mudd's in tonowanda. So we ate and walked by the water and shot the shit... And it was really nice. Oh yeah, and she got me introduced to the hottie at cozumel a while ago (but then he went to alaska [likely story]).

I guess "they" were always right- don't judge a book by its cover. I guess I should take it to heart more often...

A-HA! Me and the Big Cheese himself (my chairman):


A re-creation of my fave pic from the same event last year:


I love those two boys. [one of them may even be a Work Crush... And the other is engaged].

More here:

I really have that "smile for the camera" face down, don't I? sheesh.

It was a pretty fun party, though my dress doesn't look as good in the pix as it did in my head. Alas... However, at least three people totally didn't recognize me. Like people I work with a lot. I walked in with a friend, and Dr. S said hello to him, and TOTALLY ignored me. Then saw me later "oh... Alex! That's you! I didn't recognize you!" Not sure if I should be offended or not. I guess it's good to get cleaned up once in a while.

-J

P.S. New song- Love will tear us apart- Jose Gonzalez

Ok, I think I am learning why we call the VA hospital the "VA Spa". Last night was my first call here... and I don't know if it's a fluke, but I haven't slept that much in a long time. Like 10-6. To the point that I was starting to have dreams about the ER, my pager going off, and making rounds. I kept waking up and being like "this can't be right... why are things so quiet..." I even paged myself to make sure my pager isn't broken. (it's not.) There's a computer in the call room (but no tv), and I even got to leave the hospital to pick up some food... I could get used to this!!

But so one of my more pleasant dreams got me thinking... I can't remember the last time I had sex. (and by sex I mean a real, mutually satisfying, fuck- mutually UNsatisfying fumbling on the couch does not count.) I THINK it might have been labor day wknd last year, but I really can't even remember. Holy shit. That's almost a year ago. No wonder I'm losing my mind... (so last sex was labor day, and we "broke up" mid-october, then finally stopped talking in jan... but the no sex from sept-oct I think says a lot. :( I even begged for 'one last time' breakup sex, but was refused. bastard.)

But, hehe- Friday night I went to graduation. I wore a strapless dess and these sexy (but killer) shoes. I also had a little scarf/shawl thing to put over my shoulders in case I felt too naked and/or cold. I also brought a pair of more comfortable backup shoes. But so after graduation we went to Mother's. I changed shoes in the car, and I left the scarf there. And after mother's, my ride still wanted to go out, but it was 2am and I had to work at 6, so I got a ride home with some other friends. Which meant I left stuff in the first car.

And yesterday I got a panicked-by-trying-to-sound-cool message from my friend that had given me a ride.... "hey... ummm.... there is all sorts of feminine apparel in my car.... and I'm assuming it's yours. Shoes, a scarf-thing... a bra... And my seat is folded back... did we....? I'm thinking maybe we fooled around in my car? But I can't remember."

hehe. I thought he seemed pretty drunk when I left him. The shoes/scarf I can account for. But the bra and the seat being folded down- not me. he has no idea who it was. That's a little scary. (and pretty funny.)

Ok, I guess I need to go see some patients so I can go home. And get my haircut! Thanks lilho!

-J

Ok, you can all stop holding your breath now...

Here is my much-touted new mix. Hope you enjoy it. *I* think it kicks ass. :)



track list:

Mushaboom/Feist
Black Cab/Jens Lekman
Lion's Teeth/The Mountain Goats
Trains to Brazil/Guillemots
That's Because You Drive Me/Acid House Kings
Love Will Tear Us Apart/Jose Gonzalez
Baby We'll Be Fine/The National
Fortress/Pinback
Snakes and Martyrs/TV on the Radio
The Skin of my Yellow Country Teeth/Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying/Belle and Sebastian
Hate/Cat Power
Your Little Hoodrat Friend/The Hold Steady
Let's Just See/Engineers
Chicago/Sufjan Stevens
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead/Stars
Chemistry/Kimya Dawson
California Soul/Marlena Shaw
Go-Go Gadget Gospel/Gnarls Barkley

Ok just to clarify on my last post (e:jenks,175) -

I certainly understand the pejorative use of 'gay'. I, unfortunately, say it all the time. "oh my god that's so gay". I generally use it regarding a place/thing/situation- but never a person I don't think. I'm not proud that I say it, but I do. I also call things "retarded" much more often that I should, which has gotten me in trouble with my friend whose sister has cerebral palsy. Sure, friends call each other 'fag' in jest, and it does not imply homosexual. Yes, I know all this. And while it is politically incorrect, and maybe it SHOULD offend me, it doesn't.

This craigslist thing seemed different though. This idiot was really calling this guy homosexual because he was disagreeing with him. That's what bugged me. Does that make sense? Let me find a quote.

ok here's part one:

Wow, who the frig wrote this? I have heard of 'out there' but this is way gone, and I'm a liberal too!

Liberals were in charge of WW2? Every president is measured against FDR? Bush's were in bed with Nazi's and are in business with Bin Laden now? Conservatives are fascists? Wow, not even gona bother with all that, LMFAO!

I think this guy is gay?

then

You're a fugin jackazz gay boy! Dems had Reps values back when FDR was Pres.
Dems in 2006 would want hugz and kisses and exchange flowers, candy and puppies with the enemy. So the fact remains Dems of Today are a bunch of wishy washy pansy ass cry babies. Go hug a fugin tree queer bait!

finally (this is a response to the quoted part below)-

The liberal is gay
Reply to: pers-170850450@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-06-12, 6:28PM EDT


I no longer think the deranged liberal is gay, I know he is gay, LMFAO! No str8 guy gets this drama queenish!

---

You think he's gay? (but you don't THINK! he's gay, you THINK?? he's gay. Not quite sure, I guess.) What the FUCK does that have to do with ANYTHING?
You're a stupid fuck. (and for the record, he's not all that "out there"; he has some void points.)

Ok, so that totally didn't deserve a post.

Ugh. So today was my last day as a PGY-3. I have spent the last several weeks not doing a hell of a lot. I usually sit around the office surfing the web "just in case" they need me, until I can't handle it anymore. Well so today I figured it's my last day, my boss isn't even in the hospital, I only have two patients (and they're only consults), there are no cases in the OR- screw it. I'm going home. I'll keep my pager on.

So the very first time I try to go home- my pager goes off for the first time all week. This guy "seems odd". So I do the right thing and go back to the hospital to check on him. He is, of course, fine.

But that's not really what pisses me off. I mean it's annoying, but it IS my job. What kills me is the fact that in the hour I was gone the UPS guy came and I missed him, and he's coming back tomorrow while I'm at work, and I prob can't get my package til next week- and I am massively impatient. grr.

But anyway re: the title...

So today I had lunch with "the boys". Or some of them. And they are pigs around me, but that's fine. I'd rather they be themselves then censor themselves or exclude me since i'm a girl. But they're talking about this hot chick at that hot chick, this one that was "ripe for the tapping", etc. And the boy that's been hitting on me left and right was rubbing my shoulders, asking if he can "touch my mammaries, even just a little" etc etc etc. Standard behavior really. I was totally blushing, which apparently is incriminating, so I think all the other guys think we're screwing now.

And one guy... i've never seen him in a group before and it totally changed my opinion. I always thought he was an ok guy. But he's no stud. he's 32, but looks more like 42. Kind of paunchy, salt and pepper, etc. going on about tapping this and knocking that. I was laughing inside. But yesterday he was badmouthing living downtown. Saying he lives in williamsville to avoid crime. So he lives all alone in his big house in his nice neighborhood with good schools. boooorrring. I said I'd rather be "where the action is". He then went on to say how living in brooklyn is NOT the same as living in manhattan. My point exactly....

but anyway, hearing these guys lusting over and objectifying these bimbo girls got me thinking. If women state what they'd like in an ideal guy (a brain, a personality, a job, maybe even some looks)- she is unrealistic and too picky and demanding etc. But who says that judging a woman only by her bra size is more admirable? Having NO standards is better how?

oh yeah and one more thing- I was reading the craiglist rants 'n raves on the buffalo page today... I don't know why I read them, they're so stupid. But anyway, currently there's a stupid left vs right/ lib vs con/ rep vs dem battle going on. Neither side is making very good points. But one guy keeps resorting to "wow.... that is so stupid... you must be gay. Only a fag would say such dumb stuff."

What?????

Stupid homophobia like that makes me so upset.

What the FUCK does someone's sexual orientation have to do with anything????? Oooh it gets me steamed. Seriously "i don't like your opinion, you must be gay"????? I have never heard anything so asinine.

but on a happier note, my mix is pretty much done, just need to figure out how to share it. :) Stay tuned.

-J

Oh and I just remembered the funny thing I saw on my way in this AM... Driving down high st towards BGH I saw this guy... first thought he must just be crazy. Then got a little closer and realized he's wearing scrubs. Then realized it's a resident, I know him. Kind of a hippie weirdo, but whatever. But he was riding a razor scooter, and had a german flag tied around his neck like a cape. On his way to work. He looked like a nut, but it made me laugh.

Stay tuned peeps. I am working on The Best Mix In The World this week, and when it is ready I will share. It might even have to be a double disc, we'll see. Maybe I can .zip it and put it on gather? or (e:twisted) , how did you do that bittorrent thing for your (e:valentine) cd? (part of my inspiration to share, i will admit.)

haven't made a mix in a long time. but i have so much new awesome music lately i can't not do it.

yay. hopefully i won't be at work all freaking night again.

(but had a yum-yum-yum dinner/martini at cecelia's last night, and met (e:cocoloco) . It was awesome. Thanks (e:mike) / (e:libertad) )

-j

So as I mentioned (e:jenks,161) I saw my ex the other night. We're friendly these days, but don't talk much, and still never see each other. Well I was having a shitty night and in a moment of weakness I texted him, and we went back and forth a bit... he asked if there was anything he could do, and invited me to come meet them. (shocking, since i rarely/never got to see his friends when we were together.) And he said he misses me. That is the kind of thing that fucks with my head big time. Because try as I might, deep down I'm not really over him. I mean I know we don't really work... but still he was like my best friend for a year. And over time I manage to forget the shitty parts, and focus on the good. So of course I miss him. So for him to say that, even though I'm sure he was just trying to be friendly, gives me all sorts of crazy false hope.

So then today I got this email:

A little note to say hello and hope you are having a good day. Don't let silly boys get you down, we are animals and don't deserve any tears.

Be well.

Oy.

But on a good note, I scheduled my exam, at home, for july 6/7. (2 eight hour days of testing, YUCK. But when it's done (assuming I pass), I will have filled the last requirement for my medical license. Then the only thing left is board certification, but that's at least 2 years away.) But so now that means I HAVE to go home. Just need to figure out the details of the work schedule so I can buy plane tickets. (which are CRAZY expensive for some reason. They're usually like 150-200, and yesterday they were 350- and today they're 450!! fuck! Work had better stop dicking around and tell me what my schedule is!)

Anyway. Hope you all enjoyed the art festival. Now i just want summer weather back. :)

-J