First of all:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
(ok, and happy hanukkah, season's greetings, etc.)

I guess we are not little kids anymore... I woke up at 9, and am the first person awake. Unbelievable. A far cry from the days when we (my brother, sister and I) would make plans to meet in someone's room when we woke up (usually around 4) and watch the hands on the clock CRAWWWWL around until 7 (when we were allowed to get up) and then, like horses out of the gate, we would explode into our parents room and tackle them and run downstairs and begin the over-indulgent, conspicuous consumption, commercial carnage that was (is) Christmas Morning.

I must say, even though I am 29 there is still a decent pile of presents under the tree, and I will admit I'm pretty excited... Not to mention angel-food-cake-french-toast!!

But now to totally change the subject...

I got an email this morning that has me a little stunned... And it's the kind of thing that I have to tell someone, but at the same time I don't want anyone to know. And it just got me thinking about the nature of a blog. An online journal. A completely public, yet anonymous, diary. I was never very good at keeping a diary. Didn't really see the point of writing all that stuff down, that no one would ever see. But I guess that's the point. It's my private space.
Not that I am an exhibitionist, or crave attention etc, in fact I'm rather shy (but yes, I love to talk), and I guess I like to think that at least someone might read what I say. I guess for me an ideal blog would only be read by strangers. It's a place I can tell my secrets in a dear diary way, and while I doubt anyone that I really KNOW will read it, there is still always that chance, so I need to semi-censor... Who knows, mom might stumble onto this page someday... The ex that I bitch about.... My work crush(es).... Anyone from work...

But anyway, onto my email.
Some background- My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me a few months ago. In retrospect, I can see that the relationship was terrible and he didn't care about me the way a boyfriend should- i.e. he treated me pretty badly. not abusive in any way, but he just didn't respect me. But I was (am?) smitten. And, the breakup has still been awful for me. I'm all fucked in the head about it and I still miss him. And I want him as a friend, still want him in my life... so I see him once in a while, and that stirs up all sorts of things... I was mad at him, put him out my mind, didn't talk to him for two weeks, decided it was all behind me. Then he came over the other night to give me back some money, and he helped me straighten my christmas tree (though i think we actually made it worse), and we chatted and it was nice, and I got a nice hug... and now I miss him again.
Bleh. I need to move on, but it's hard. I think what I really need is to meet someone new. A new love interest to get him out of my head. I really can't do casual sex, so a rebound hookup or whatever is NOT the answer for me. And I survive just fine being single. So it's not like I NEED to be in a big serious relationship right away. But at the same time I'm kind of lonely and depressed about it these days, and would love to meet someone. But (as we all know), it's not that easy. Especially with work...

But so a few months ago some guy emailed me from friendster. His emails were very funny, and he was pretty persistent which is flattering. But I was still with the BF, and I told him that, and he sort of backed down. Then on halloween i was out at hardware, and this totally random guy came up to me [that does not happen in my world. for whatever reason, I do NOT, EVER, get approached by guys. I guess I look scary or something], and he knew me. I couldn't believe it. It was this guy. He recognized me from Friendster. (scary). We chatted a little, said nice to meet you, etc. A few weeks later he emailed again, and since I am no longer dating BF, I figured there's no harm in getting coffee or something. Now it turns out that (like half of buffalo) this kid went to nichols, and thus knows some of the people I work with (including hot work crush #2).

So this morning I had an email, from 4am, from this guy, that said "so i saw Work Crush #2 out last night, and he said that you told him we'd met [I did- i said hey this guy that knows you from high school has been calling me lately], and he said that you're cool as hell, but he also said (and you can NOT tell him i told you this) that you are "the horniest girl on earth."" (and the rest doesn't matter.)

WHAT?!!

I don't even know where to start.
How do I feel about this?
Mortified?
Outraged?
(Flattered??)

I mean...
1: First of all, he has NO WAY to know that about me. I mean yeah we kind of flirt, but much less than I've seen him with other girls. He knows nothing of my love life, at least not from me, and I don't think he knows my ex.
2: Not that it's such a bad thing, but I just don't think it's true
and
3: he is one to fucking talk, mr. "yeah i want to tap that ass."

I'm sure I'm making mountains out of molehills, but I'm really not sure what to think here.
Maybe he was trying to help me out and get me a date.
Who knows.

And maybe i'm taking it the wrong way, but somehow that statement cries out "desperation" to me, and I do not want to think that that is how I am perceived.

And finally, my work is very male-dominated and very conservative, and first i don't really want talk of my sex life floating around, but mainly I hate to think that that is my reputation... The big slut... Which is funny b/c it is SO not true!!!

Wow....

Think I need to go overindulge and forget about this for a while...

later peeps.

So as I think I've mentioned, my parents are coming to visit for christmas, since I don't get enough time off to go home. So my mom had told me that I'd "better" do a good job decorating. So it was kind of stressful getting everything done on time, and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Stayed up til 2 last night baking cookies, wrapping presents, doing dishes, putting clean sheets on the bed... Because I won't get home til 11 or so tomorrow, so when I left the house this AM I had to have it all ready for them... I had the tree up with presents under it and I left milk and cookies for santa...
Kept wondering when they would get in, since they were supposed to call to come meet me at work so I could give them a key. But they were supposed to get in at 8:30. Well finally at 9:30 I called my house- they were there. Apparently had tried to call but I get no cell reception. (don't know if it's my phone, or tmobile, but my reception has been ricockulous lately.)

But in any case, the point of this post is that my mom said it made her cry when she walked in and saw that I'd gotten everything ready for them... (I'd said I hadn't had time to get a tree). I'll try to post pix when I get chance. Does look pretty great if I say so myself.

Yay. Can't wait to get home and see them. Too bad I still have 14 hours left in this shift... god this day is dragging. (but, I'll take slow over crazy busy in the ER any day.) I do have one kid with a temp of 107 though. Yikes!
(that also means 14 hours of mom unsupervised in my house- I'm sure she's already been through the medicine cabinet and nightstand by now.)

I love my family. :) I love doing nice things for people. For those reasons, I love christmas. Gives me warm fuzzies.

dream of sugar plums, kids!

J

So I almost forgot about my other work boyfriend until I saw him this morning for the first time in a few weeks. So damn hot! But I swear it's his clothes that have me smitten. he dresses impeccably. Awesome ties (he dares to wear pink), great shoes, cool pants... I'm such a sucker for a sharp dresser. Why do so few guys have style/class/taste? It doesn't have to be expensive; just put a little thought into it... I looked around the room at the other slobs, and thought "THAT is why C is such a BIG OL' PIMP. If these other guys had half that fashion sense, they'd be fighting off the girls too." And, the fact that he flirts and gives me hugs. Unfortunately, he is a DOG. Always talking about this 19 year old he's fucking, that 21 year old that sucked him off, how he wants to tap that ass, etc etc. (he's 28 or so) The thing is, I think he's full of shit. I mean I'm sure he does these things, but having met his family and had a few "real" conversations with him, I actually believe he will be a good husband someday, when he's done 'sowing his wild oats' or however you want to describe it.

But yeah, the clothes... when I first heard the term metrosexual, I thought "a gay man that's straight? sounds like my dream come true!" lol.

so you hear that men of buffalo? the way to my heart is through your tie/shoes! ;)

Ok, work is not calling me back. I hope that means I am free...

Off to wegman's.

later peeps.

Not sure what happened today...
I had written a nice long (happy) post, and I clicked publish and it never showed up, and then I got error messages about the server being down all day. Seems my post vanished into the ether.
Anyone else having problems?

Bummer.

Oh well.

I will re-type one little tidbit though-
Since people seem to be sharing recipes lately, I have one:
Our once-a-year decadent christmas morning breakfast is french toast- made with angel food cake instead of bread.

mmm-mmm-good...

Ok first off, I promise that one of these days I will post something nice and happy, and not me whining about boys or bitching about work, or telling depressing stories.
Believe it or not, I AM a pretty happy person.

But not quite yet, I have part two of the last story.

But before I get into it- I'm totally serious when I ask if anyone can recommend a decent place for christmas eve dinner. I refuse to believe that EVERY restaurant in town is closed... And my mom is basically refusing to cook for all of us since I don't have a dishwasher, and it's not Her Kitchen. And god knows I'm not up for it- I barely have the energy to get out of bed these days. (on that note- I was at work from 7am til 11pm today. have to be back at 7 tomorrow- until noon ON WEDNESDAY. Another 7-? day thurs. and 7-noon on sat, fri. I added it up- I worked 100hr last week. Which is illegal, but whatever... At least I'm off christmas day.. Not sure when I think christmas cookies/christmas cards/laundry/wrapping presents/grocery shopping/sheet-changing/house-cleaning/tree decorating is going to happen. Not to mention studying. ack.)

But just to add insult to injury about my last horrible story...

So when I got into work this AM, I learned that a pregnant lady had come in the night before. She had found out by ultrasound a while ago that her baby has a problem- basically all its intestines are on the outside. It's not a GOOD problem to have, but it's fixable. But so this lady was in town visiting from Boston. And she went into labor, 6 weeks too early. Sucks to be having a baby with a problem, extra-sucks to be having it prematurely, and super-sucks to be having it away from home and away from your doctors. So the baby was born this morning, and everyone was there waiting to rush it to the operating room to fix the intestines. Well to make matters worse, half the intestines were dead, and had to be removed. (that is not good, and makes the problem MUCH more serious and dangerous and reduces the baby's chances of surviving)

And the punchline- why was she visiting from Boston? For the funeral of the little organ-donor girl the other night. It was her cousin.

I mean how many more things can go wrong for this poor family... I wonder when they'll be struck by lightning.

I hope they win the lottery next week.

Ok, next post will be happier i promise.
Now off to bed!

night peeps.

-J

Jesus. I want to cry...
So there was a nasty car accident a few days ago- car lost control on black ice and crossed the divider and hit an SUV head on. Mom and two daughters. Three year old girl broke her neck [the xrays are sickening]. She was declared brain dead (which means dead) a few days later. In the midst of the horrible grief (and mom reportedly being at ECMC in a coma and the sister in surgery for a broken leg) they have to ask the family about organ donation. At least some other life can come out of this horrible death, I guess. But so tonight I got the call at 1:30 am "hey want to come help out with a case?" "yeah sure, who needs sleep?" So I just spent the last 3 hours 'harvesting' [what an awful word] the organs of this tiny little girl, along with a team from Canada who was going to take the heart to Calgary. Kidneys going to NYC, and corneas and some other tissue going elsewhere. Unfortunately they couldn't use the liver or lungs or pancreas, which is a shame since you rarely see organs so young and healthy- no diabetes, no obesity, no smoking, no clogged arteries, etc.
And to make it worse the people here know her, from when her sister was sick last year- they say she was just so adorable and would come visit her big sister every single day... and the family is so nice... And the clincher- they were on their way to the mall to buy her some toys- to celebrate the fact that her adoption papers had gone through, and she was now officially a sister. And she fucking dies the same day.

(moment of silence for poor thing)

So before you all go slit your wrists, I will completely change the subject and leave you with a question:
My parents are coming to visit for christmas, and have proposed going out to dinner for Christmas Eve. Hutch's and Left Bank are closed.
Anyone have any recommendations for a nice place eat that might actually be open that night?? Thanks...

Have fun at the party everyone....
Wish I could come and meet some of alls y'alls.
(wow, the new orleansisms come out at the oddest times)

Alas, I am sitting in my little hole praying that no one crashes their car or gets stabbed or burned or is involved in any other sort of unfortunate event that will keep me up all night. :)

Would much rather be out socializing, but oh well...

So have fun, and congrats to everyone that just finished finals.

-J

I swear you would think I'm in high school if you could see the thoughts that go through my head. I'm not sure I think about much beside boys these days. It's pathetic. I think my (younger) sister getting married before me has freaked me out more than I realized. not to mention going to my ex's wedding.

But help me out here girls (and guys I guess)
This is my wish list.
Am I really asking THAT much?
(well the answer is yes. I want mr. wonderful, and I won't settle)

30ish
smart
funny
professional
attractive enough
similar values to mine
SINGLE.
As in NEVER MARRIED.
And not currently dating someone. (you'd think that's a no-brainer, but it's not).
And for god's sake, no kids.
Call me a bitch, but I do not ever want to be a stepmother or a second wife. I don't want to deal with your baggage. I will marry once, forever. Personally I think being divorced shows poor judgment on your part- you married the wrong person- should have known better. [yeah yeah flame away].
Preferably non-smoker.
Preferably non-religious.
Preferably graduate-degreed, but definitely college-degreed.
And call me shallow, but I WILL judge you by your shoes. ;)

(and I wonder why I'm single, with a laundry list like that!)

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrGGGGGGGGGGGGGhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am SO FUCKING SICK of being treated like shit and not respected/appreciated.

Are ALL boys (I refuse to call them men) assholes, or just the ones I date?
I'm really losing faith here.

Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Off to cry myself to sleep.
a-GAIN.

Testing