First of all:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
(ok, and happy hanukkah, season's greetings, etc.)

I guess we are not little kids anymore... I woke up at 9, and am the first person awake. Unbelievable. A far cry from the days when we (my brother, sister and I) would make plans to meet in someone's room when we woke up (usually around 4) and watch the hands on the clock CRAWWWWL around until 7 (when we were allowed to get up) and then, like horses out of the gate, we would explode into our parents room and tackle them and run downstairs and begin the over-indulgent, conspicuous consumption, commercial carnage that was (is) Christmas Morning.

I must say, even though I am 29 there is still a decent pile of presents under the tree, and I will admit I'm pretty excited... Not to mention angel-food-cake-french-toast!!

But now to totally change the subject...

I got an email this morning that has me a little stunned... And it's the kind of thing that I have to tell someone, but at the same time I don't want anyone to know. And it just got me thinking about the nature of a blog. An online journal. A completely public, yet anonymous, diary. I was never very good at keeping a diary. Didn't really see the point of writing all that stuff down, that no one would ever see. But I guess that's the point. It's my private space.
Not that I am an exhibitionist, or crave attention etc, in fact I'm rather shy (but yes, I love to talk), and I guess I like to think that at least someone might read what I say. I guess for me an ideal blog would only be read by strangers. It's a place I can tell my secrets in a dear diary way, and while I doubt anyone that I really KNOW will read it, there is still always that chance, so I need to semi-censor... Who knows, mom might stumble onto this page someday... The ex that I bitch about.... My work crush(es).... Anyone from work...

But anyway, onto my email.
Some background- My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me a few months ago. In retrospect, I can see that the relationship was terrible and he didn't care about me the way a boyfriend should- i.e. he treated me pretty badly. not abusive in any way, but he just didn't respect me. But I was (am?) smitten. And, the breakup has still been awful for me. I'm all fucked in the head about it and I still miss him. And I want him as a friend, still want him in my life... so I see him once in a while, and that stirs up all sorts of things... I was mad at him, put him out my mind, didn't talk to him for two weeks, decided it was all behind me. Then he came over the other night to give me back some money, and he helped me straighten my christmas tree (though i think we actually made it worse), and we chatted and it was nice, and I got a nice hug... and now I miss him again.
Bleh. I need to move on, but it's hard. I think what I really need is to meet someone new. A new love interest to get him out of my head. I really can't do casual sex, so a rebound hookup or whatever is NOT the answer for me. And I survive just fine being single. So it's not like I NEED to be in a big serious relationship right away. But at the same time I'm kind of lonely and depressed about it these days, and would love to meet someone. But (as we all know), it's not that easy. Especially with work...

But so a few months ago some guy emailed me from friendster. His emails were very funny, and he was pretty persistent which is flattering. But I was still with the BF, and I told him that, and he sort of backed down. Then on halloween i was out at hardware, and this totally random guy came up to me [that does not happen in my world. for whatever reason, I do NOT, EVER, get approached by guys. I guess I look scary or something], and he knew me. I couldn't believe it. It was this guy. He recognized me from Friendster. (scary). We chatted a little, said nice to meet you, etc. A few weeks later he emailed again, and since I am no longer dating BF, I figured there's no harm in getting coffee or something. Now it turns out that (like half of buffalo) this kid went to nichols, and thus knows some of the people I work with (including hot work crush #2).

So this morning I had an email, from 4am, from this guy, that said "so i saw Work Crush #2 out last night, and he said that you told him we'd met [I did- i said hey this guy that knows you from high school has been calling me lately], and he said that you're cool as hell, but he also said (and you can NOT tell him i told you this) that you are "the horniest girl on earth."" (and the rest doesn't matter.)

WHAT?!!

I don't even know where to start.
How do I feel about this?
Mortified?
Outraged?
(Flattered??)

I mean...
1: First of all, he has NO WAY to know that about me. I mean yeah we kind of flirt, but much less than I've seen him with other girls. He knows nothing of my love life, at least not from me, and I don't think he knows my ex.
2: Not that it's such a bad thing, but I just don't think it's true
and
3: he is one to fucking talk, mr. "yeah i want to tap that ass."

I'm sure I'm making mountains out of molehills, but I'm really not sure what to think here.
Maybe he was trying to help me out and get me a date.
Who knows.

And maybe i'm taking it the wrong way, but somehow that statement cries out "desperation" to me, and I do not want to think that that is how I am perceived.

And finally, my work is very male-dominated and very conservative, and first i don't really want talk of my sex life floating around, but mainly I hate to think that that is my reputation... The big slut... Which is funny b/c it is SO not true!!!

Wow....

Think I need to go overindulge and forget about this for a while...

later peeps.